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Angers; Struggle; The Calm; Conclusion

S

sunEdltye

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 25, 2000
Messages
2,666
Location
Orange County, California
(this is probably going to be a long one)
I hated you dad,
You shoved me aside.
I cant help that I wasnt perfect,
I cant hide.
The feelings of dread,
The moments of being scared.
Trying to take me away,
Trying to be free from your oppression.
My mother is gold,
A statue of iron.
Stood by me for life,
Never abandomed my side.
I cry if I talk about her,
I'm crying right now.
But those tears of blank,
Deserve a lake of wealth.
My life has been rocky,
Therapy for 10 years.
Depression drugs empty,
Illegal drugs full.
Dated to young,
I was torn by thy capilets.
My heart was so broken,
It took over 2 years to heal.
I swelled into depression,
A bottomless pit of dispair and anguish.
Forever I stayed down there,
But that wasnt enough,
Toss me a rope, For I'm tired of being down.
Musical genius, Idiot savant,
Avante garde life style,
Shunner to religion.
Man of few dreams,
Insecurity stabbed me in thy back,
Until a star crossed lover came to bring me back.
It happenned so oddly,
Nothing like in the movies.
She shined like a star,
But my clouds covered her up.
I blaimed my life on her,
I yelled like my dad.
I cowarded like my dad,
And I lied like my dad.
Insane state of mind,
I wanted to punch the wall,
I wanted to die.
I dropped to my knees and begged god for mercy,
I cried til I drowned,
I fell down again.
My emotions were rampant,
I couldnt let go,
I believe I was right,
But i never was right.
Rite of passage,
Into more years.
Unfinished chapter,
Weeping again.
I sent away my lover,
She was the best thing to happen,
I needed to be myself,
I needed to find why I need to apologize.
Serenity of the gardens,
Encompased as a fortune of colors.
Silence and being alone,
My drug of choice.
I had to stop to think,
I had to stop to breath.
I had to learn how to walk again,
I had to learn who I am.
Floating aside a solo whale,
He told me the secrets of being myself.
I asked him for guidence but he didnt agree,
He said self worth was more than a degree.
Finally it hit me on a warm sunny day,
I had to stop for a second to let the air breath.
I made a lot of mistakes in my day,
I never thought I was wrong,
But today was the day,
I knew I had been wrong.
Talking to my star crossed lover,
I knew I would never get another chance.
I will always love her though,
More than just a friend.
I will always love her voice,
More than I love my own.
We are friends now,
My peace has been made.
I have so much to look for,
And so much still to learn.
I conclude this poem,
With a quote from my friend.
-sleep dear evan with no regards to demons who can not hurt you anymore.
sleep dear evan and dream of people and hope and better places
sleep dear evan and feel strength once again
Arise dear evan and reclaim everything youve lost for in you lay the keys to happyness
**This poem is dedicated to everyone I ever met in my life, but most importantly liquidphil1. He is a genius beyond words and forever a teacher of souls. Without his friendship, I'd still be hate.
Evan
 
Floating aside a solo whale,
He told me the secrets of being myself.
I asked him for guidence but he didnt agree,
He said self worth was more than a degree.
Click to expand...
this is a great look inside yourself evan. im proud that so many things are going well for you now. heres to the happiness that everyone is always tryign to find.
-phil-
and as i told you earlier:
yeah its a great thing to open yourself up and say. "hey whats in there" and to have your voice answer you back for once not someone else. not a fasade"
 
Evan, that was a beautiful story of life. I can only hope you add to this as time goes on... I wouldn't mind reading it again in a couple of years.
 
wow...
i always liked reading your posts and poems but this one put me in awe...there was so much in it in such little words but it all went together, i am truly impressed with this one and after reading replies im proud to know your name
{{{Evan}}}
 
biggrin.gif

(((evan)))
(((phil)))
 
I needed to be myself,
Click to expand...
sometimes, you meet a really awesome person. you take everything wonderful about them and you wrap yourself in it, like a safety blanket. you take everything good that they make you feel, and you hold to it for dear life. you blanket yourself with their soul, their eyes, their touch, fill yourself up with their words. you lose yourself in them. and that's how a person easily forgets the great person that he himself is.
i haven't had the pleasure of ever looking into your eyes and telling you how wonderful i think you are from the few conversations that we've had. that's the beauty of this forum, Words; it reminds us that a person is not just made up of beauty and physique, but the words they say make them up so much more.
evan there's nothing i can tell you about yourself that you dont already know. you dont have the blanket anymore, and its just you again, and i think you've found that person. this great guy who is surreally genuine and good of heart... who continues to touch people with his unique personality and sweetness and mystery. every time i talk to you, i am reminded of all the awesome people i've met through BL, and each day every one of them gives me a new reason to become a stronger person.
i've been under that blanket sweetie, and damn, i know it's cold without it... but finding your inner strength, recognizing and regaining your own beauty, being able to look YOURSELF in the eye and be proud of who you see, that is something precious. i'm proud of you. and i'm so grateful that you wrote this.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
Find one person you can count on forever, one person you can love forever, and one person you can be with forever... and if you're lucky, it will all be the same person.
"Live for the memories."
 
^
^
^
has a way with words doesnt she
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all I wanted to say and more...
------------------
"if there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through
this tedious path Ive chosen here
I certainly would have walked away by now.
And I still may."-MJK TOOL
 
Silence and being alone,
My drug of choice.
Click to expand...
Seems like this is the one companion that I've relied on too much at times also.
Evan, since the first time we spoke because of this board until today, you have grown in more ways than most people grow in a lifetime. You inspire me over and over again because just when I become stagnant in my awareness of the world, you remind me in one way or another that there is always more to learn, more to know, more parts of life to love. Thank you for this, I just remembered lessons that I had learned and forgotten. And one of them is that you are one of the most amazing people I have ever had the honor of knowing. Your growth brings me such a happiness, and I'm so glad when it brings you joy as well.
smile.gif

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The space between the tears we cry, is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.
 
thanks for posting this i really liked it
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You gotta be a bad girl in this world to be heard--DJ Rap
"A man can tell a thousand lies, i've learned my lesson well"
"I'm not here to be served, but to serve"
 
evan i dont tell you enough but im proud of your writting your progress. keep on keepin because your poetry means more to others thn you can imaginw.
-phil-
a proud friend.
 
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