I didn't know what prefix to use here so I went w/ optimism and choose recovery journal cause that's what I'm striving for. Currently on an H taper (have gone from 2 buns/day to 6 bags/day over past 2 weeks) from which I plan to get down to tiny- like 1/2 bag shots twice a day- doses and jump from there. Doable? I sure hope so. Have to have crazy self control, not something typical of drug addicts, but I'm not the typical drug addict or I would've never survived the past 40 something years of shooting dope and still have a wonderful job and other than BF no one knows of my double life, not even family.
So why quit? Cause BF cannot function like I do and hasn't left bed in 3 years and we are backed into serious financial hole. My job, as much as I love it, just doesn't make enough to support two major habits and a house and bills, etc. His does, but he won't go to work unless clean (owns own co. so doesn't have to go, things running on autopilot but starting to fall apart big time). Plus he is miserable. Me, I could go on forever, but even w/ brand new needle every time it is getting harder and harder to find a usable vein anywhere on body. Plus I would like to spend a cent on something other than dope some day. And I did have 8 yrs clean once back in the 1990's and it didn't suck. But basically doing this cause I have to money wise or going to be sitting in a dark cold house waiting for bank to kick us out. Motivation enough? Yeah.
I have gabapentin, phenobarbital (accidentally ran into free bottle of 100 1/2g tabs- not something I would usually take but anything that can help the hell of w/d), dextomethorphan, loperamide, Motrin, Aleve, vit B comp, calcium/magnesium, and 2 measly kpins...sure wish I had more of those for detox time...will keep trying to get more since imho they help the most before the jump off but it's not looking hopeful. And somewhere hidden in house is one subtex- where I have no clue. Guess I could spend my day off here cleaning this shithole and try to find.
Ugh already feeling squirrelly and sweating a bit and I have 4 more hours before I can have a little old one bag shot. Typing this out helps tho, it's so easy to live in denial that everything is oh just ducky instead of really sucky.
Must stay strong. Am not allowed to do more than 5 bags today -2 done at 6am, 1 to be done at 3pm, then 2 right before bed at like 10-11pm. Tomorrow the same. Next day it will be down to 4 bags, and day after that. Then down to 3 bags for 2 days. And so on.
Anyone ever heard of anyone doing a successful H taper? While working too, ugh. No cant get off work, only good thing is that we work long shifts so 4 day work week, but don't have my 3 days off in a row, only 2 of them. Think there's a point where tapering further won't help and I'm just torturing myself? Think I better take some gabapentin right now to stop the sweats. Any input, suggestions, thoughts, whatever, very welcome. This is not going to be a picinic in the park at my age and history. Oh and I also have chronic pain issues (had it beautiful there for a while on pain clinic but got kicked out for dirty u/a), but I can deal w/ pain...any kind of pain but w/d pain- that's the worst pain in world.
Be lying if I said I wasn't scared of next few weeks/months of life.
So why quit? Cause BF cannot function like I do and hasn't left bed in 3 years and we are backed into serious financial hole. My job, as much as I love it, just doesn't make enough to support two major habits and a house and bills, etc. His does, but he won't go to work unless clean (owns own co. so doesn't have to go, things running on autopilot but starting to fall apart big time). Plus he is miserable. Me, I could go on forever, but even w/ brand new needle every time it is getting harder and harder to find a usable vein anywhere on body. Plus I would like to spend a cent on something other than dope some day. And I did have 8 yrs clean once back in the 1990's and it didn't suck. But basically doing this cause I have to money wise or going to be sitting in a dark cold house waiting for bank to kick us out. Motivation enough? Yeah.
I have gabapentin, phenobarbital (accidentally ran into free bottle of 100 1/2g tabs- not something I would usually take but anything that can help the hell of w/d), dextomethorphan, loperamide, Motrin, Aleve, vit B comp, calcium/magnesium, and 2 measly kpins...sure wish I had more of those for detox time...will keep trying to get more since imho they help the most before the jump off but it's not looking hopeful. And somewhere hidden in house is one subtex- where I have no clue. Guess I could spend my day off here cleaning this shithole and try to find.
Ugh already feeling squirrelly and sweating a bit and I have 4 more hours before I can have a little old one bag shot. Typing this out helps tho, it's so easy to live in denial that everything is oh just ducky instead of really sucky.
Must stay strong. Am not allowed to do more than 5 bags today -2 done at 6am, 1 to be done at 3pm, then 2 right before bed at like 10-11pm. Tomorrow the same. Next day it will be down to 4 bags, and day after that. Then down to 3 bags for 2 days. And so on.
Anyone ever heard of anyone doing a successful H taper? While working too, ugh. No cant get off work, only good thing is that we work long shifts so 4 day work week, but don't have my 3 days off in a row, only 2 of them. Think there's a point where tapering further won't help and I'm just torturing myself? Think I better take some gabapentin right now to stop the sweats. Any input, suggestions, thoughts, whatever, very welcome. This is not going to be a picinic in the park at my age and history. Oh and I also have chronic pain issues (had it beautiful there for a while on pain clinic but got kicked out for dirty u/a), but I can deal w/ pain...any kind of pain but w/d pain- that's the worst pain in world.
Be lying if I said I wasn't scared of next few weeks/months of life.
).
