Babygirl25
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 2, 2025
- Messages
- 17
Well, what a week? One I thought couldn't possibly get any worse suddenly did. Always the way isn't it? Seriously it's been a week I'd like to forget forever for the trauma fear, anxiety and vulnerability I've felt, more than I can remember for a very very long time. At one point I really wasn't sure, from one minute to the next, that I was going to get through it, that I even wanted to get through it. But then as awful as I felt the people who I've spoken to, even Tony the gas engineer that was here today ( he calls once a year to do a gas check or when there's an emergency) and I've known him very well for perhaps 25+ years. He asked me what was wrong and I told him what had happened. The first thing he did was offer to lend me money. "How much do you need, 20-40 pounds?" I said thank you but I can manage. But I would appreciate a roll up cig. He rolled me a cigarette and got on with the gas check. When he finished I thought it was strange that he didn't say goodbye. 10 minutes later he walked into my sitting room with 2 pots of cigarettes, the brand I smoke. The fact that he'd remembered the brand was as touching as him buying the cigarettes in the first place. Sometimes if I've run out I've given him the money and he's gone to the shop for me. I told him if he could pop round when he had some free time on Tuesday when I next get paid he said "yeah, don't worry about Tuesday you can give it back to me whenever." I was really stunned, completely. I just never expected that to happen.
One of the carers that call on me that I've got close to, you know when you connect with someone in a special, doesn't have to be mentioned as you both know you feel it, and she asked when my jungle that I laughingly call a garden, was getting done. I told her it was being postponed for a week or two as I needed to sort out a few things before getting the garden done. I told her that the work that needed doing could wait. She contacted me today to tell me that she was coming round tomorrow morning by 8.00 am with her son and she was going to cut the grass, cut the roses right down, cut the blackberry bushes back( and treat the roots with weedkiller) weed the borders and as she went along burn everything in the burn barrel. I tried to say thanks, but no thanks, using all the excuses I normally use when I don't want something done "for" me. Genuinely I do try to do as much as I can, as the more I let others do the more I feel the little bit of independence I still have, gradually slipping away. And some people think that being forceful and insistent is actually helping me as they think it's pride that prevents me from accepting their help. Don't get me wrong, however they broach the subject of offering support and help I'm so very grateful, but I have to be able to choose myself, not getting railroaded or so worn down by their demands to help me.
But This particular carer( I'll call her Jo) knows that I can't do any more in the garden than sit on my bottom on a comfortable cushion and weed the borders. So after saying that I knew it was one of her days off and I knew she had her own stuff to do I agreed to her coming round to do it. She gave me all of the reasons I couldn't do it, all of the justifications why she should do it, but also said she understood my reluctance and that she'd feel exactly the same as I did. I told her that I get my disability benefit to pay others for the things that need to be done that I can't do myself, and that I'd agree only if she allowed me to pay her. So she agreed that if I bought her a really pretty, summery little t-shirt kind of top, and bought a takeaway for both of us at dinner time. There's a Chinese takeaway that does 4 dishes for a set price, so that's what we've done a couple of times in the past if she's popped round. The only condition being, and she already knows this, 1 of the 4 dishes would have to be a portion of dry spare ribs. Plain no sauce spare ribs. Those would be for Babygirl and Babygirl only. We decided that if we wanted another dish we'd get the "special" for the set price, order whatever extra dish we wanted but asked for the prawn fried rice as the extra dish., leaving the more expensive dishes as part of the special offer.
May I just say at this point that I apologise for the detail I'm going into as I know some people might find it quite boring. But in all honesty I very rarely see anyone for sometimes weeks as Jo and one other carer are the only people who I let in my house. Even the drivers who deliver my meds twice a week, who I know by their first name, always pass the time of day and are lovely caring men, but that's it. So when I do get the chance to converse, and to me a message or text is conversing, I either want to make sure I'm as completely understood as possible or just enjoy talking/texting with them. I don't like phone calls so much as that's too much like someone being there in real life, if that makes sense? So I'm sorry, firstly for digressing but mostly for having to, and for explaining why I can write about something that would take anyone else, perhaps if they really stretch it out, a short paragraph, and make it into a novel. Look I can feel people there, and I don't feel so alone with whatever I'm talking about.
That reminds me, saying I can feel people there, do you know that from, approx, the 5th of December I can smell Christmas. No, not the smell of minced pies Xmas dinners that restaurants put on in December. Not even the coldness or the smell in the air when it snows. It's a specific smell that I just can't describe. It has a smell all of its own. And it gradually begins to slowly dissipate from the 27th of December. The smoking gradually diminishes until the New Year then it's almost gone. On New Year's day I have to really breath in heavily to get a tiny smell in my nose. But by January 2nd, it's gone. There's no other time of year, specifically, apart from November 6th when it's always misty to almost foggy in the early morning and the air has a smell of burning wood and what I can only imagine is the smell of gunpowder, or whatever I assume is gunpowder to make the fireworks ignite the way they do. And everyone can smell that smell, it's unavoidable. You almost expect it. The only thing comparable to what I'm attempting to explain (I agree, not very well) about being able to smell Christmas, is when it's going to snow. You can sometimes get a particular smell/sensation in your nose and you can almost taste it when you breathe in. And it has nothing to do with hearing Christmas carols, Christmas films or the vibe that seems to be associated with Christmas. Do you know up until last year, and up until last year I didn't get a single Christmas card since my mum died, not a birthday card, and my birthday being on 27th December without any acknowledgement from any one really hurt me. But last year when I did receive a card, from our local Labour Party, ok, ok, at least it was a card. I realised it didn't matter and I didn't care. So there's nothing either obvious or symbolic about Christmas to cause this strange aroma. And I was able to detect this long before my mum died, I became disabled, ho is rebound and a miserable old ratbag. Anyway I was just reminded of it when I wrote about being able to feel people on this site reading various posts, not necessarily mine, but reading
The original point I wanted tmake is if this week hadn't been "the week from hel" as it seemed to be none of the things that have happened since that very bad day, I would never have joined this site. Then I would have had nowhere and no one to share that day and the worse day that came afterwards with such caring, compassionate and understanding people, people I've never met. Wouldn't have felt that I mattered and that I did, after all, fit in somewhere. This site, or rather the people who belong to this site wouldn't have confirmed my almost non existent belief that there are still some really well meaning and authentically kind people left in the world. This site began my restoration of my faith in human nature, and with the people who have genuinely offered me their care and support asking for nothing in return has blown me away.
What I'm trying to say is that if it hadn't been what I thought was the worst day of my life was crucial to my belief in the goodness that is still there in some people. It took the worst thing for me to bring out the best in others. But then I've always believed that if every single second of my life, good and bad, hadn't happened exactly as they did, exactly when they did, with the people involved in my life at that time, I might not have joined this site when I did, might have done everything , or just one thing differently than I actually did do, and because I did everything I have done in my life I doubt very much that I'd be here now, this second. Just one small change 40 years ago could have taken me in a completely different direction. But now, this minute I'm blissfully happy that I'm here as it's just where I want and need to be. The thought that changing a single minute in my past could have changed now is thought provoking. I'm so very glad that I had that bad day as it's not just about wanting or needing to be here, it's more about being somewhere I don't just feel but know I can come and be me, I belong. Thank you for sticking with this extremely long post. If ever you have trouble sleeping here's your solution. Re read this post and I'm almost certain that before you get a quarter of the way through it you'll either begin to feel sleep or think "fuck this, there have got to be easier ways to get to sleep than read this, maybe counting sheep, hell counting anything, is a better option than reading this. Plus the fact I'm not that desperate to sleep " I love you all. Babygirl. X
One of the carers that call on me that I've got close to, you know when you connect with someone in a special, doesn't have to be mentioned as you both know you feel it, and she asked when my jungle that I laughingly call a garden, was getting done. I told her it was being postponed for a week or two as I needed to sort out a few things before getting the garden done. I told her that the work that needed doing could wait. She contacted me today to tell me that she was coming round tomorrow morning by 8.00 am with her son and she was going to cut the grass, cut the roses right down, cut the blackberry bushes back( and treat the roots with weedkiller) weed the borders and as she went along burn everything in the burn barrel. I tried to say thanks, but no thanks, using all the excuses I normally use when I don't want something done "for" me. Genuinely I do try to do as much as I can, as the more I let others do the more I feel the little bit of independence I still have, gradually slipping away. And some people think that being forceful and insistent is actually helping me as they think it's pride that prevents me from accepting their help. Don't get me wrong, however they broach the subject of offering support and help I'm so very grateful, but I have to be able to choose myself, not getting railroaded or so worn down by their demands to help me.
But This particular carer( I'll call her Jo) knows that I can't do any more in the garden than sit on my bottom on a comfortable cushion and weed the borders. So after saying that I knew it was one of her days off and I knew she had her own stuff to do I agreed to her coming round to do it. She gave me all of the reasons I couldn't do it, all of the justifications why she should do it, but also said she understood my reluctance and that she'd feel exactly the same as I did. I told her that I get my disability benefit to pay others for the things that need to be done that I can't do myself, and that I'd agree only if she allowed me to pay her. So she agreed that if I bought her a really pretty, summery little t-shirt kind of top, and bought a takeaway for both of us at dinner time. There's a Chinese takeaway that does 4 dishes for a set price, so that's what we've done a couple of times in the past if she's popped round. The only condition being, and she already knows this, 1 of the 4 dishes would have to be a portion of dry spare ribs. Plain no sauce spare ribs. Those would be for Babygirl and Babygirl only. We decided that if we wanted another dish we'd get the "special" for the set price, order whatever extra dish we wanted but asked for the prawn fried rice as the extra dish., leaving the more expensive dishes as part of the special offer.
May I just say at this point that I apologise for the detail I'm going into as I know some people might find it quite boring. But in all honesty I very rarely see anyone for sometimes weeks as Jo and one other carer are the only people who I let in my house. Even the drivers who deliver my meds twice a week, who I know by their first name, always pass the time of day and are lovely caring men, but that's it. So when I do get the chance to converse, and to me a message or text is conversing, I either want to make sure I'm as completely understood as possible or just enjoy talking/texting with them. I don't like phone calls so much as that's too much like someone being there in real life, if that makes sense? So I'm sorry, firstly for digressing but mostly for having to, and for explaining why I can write about something that would take anyone else, perhaps if they really stretch it out, a short paragraph, and make it into a novel. Look I can feel people there, and I don't feel so alone with whatever I'm talking about.
That reminds me, saying I can feel people there, do you know that from, approx, the 5th of December I can smell Christmas. No, not the smell of minced pies Xmas dinners that restaurants put on in December. Not even the coldness or the smell in the air when it snows. It's a specific smell that I just can't describe. It has a smell all of its own. And it gradually begins to slowly dissipate from the 27th of December. The smoking gradually diminishes until the New Year then it's almost gone. On New Year's day I have to really breath in heavily to get a tiny smell in my nose. But by January 2nd, it's gone. There's no other time of year, specifically, apart from November 6th when it's always misty to almost foggy in the early morning and the air has a smell of burning wood and what I can only imagine is the smell of gunpowder, or whatever I assume is gunpowder to make the fireworks ignite the way they do. And everyone can smell that smell, it's unavoidable. You almost expect it. The only thing comparable to what I'm attempting to explain (I agree, not very well) about being able to smell Christmas, is when it's going to snow. You can sometimes get a particular smell/sensation in your nose and you can almost taste it when you breathe in. And it has nothing to do with hearing Christmas carols, Christmas films or the vibe that seems to be associated with Christmas. Do you know up until last year, and up until last year I didn't get a single Christmas card since my mum died, not a birthday card, and my birthday being on 27th December without any acknowledgement from any one really hurt me. But last year when I did receive a card, from our local Labour Party, ok, ok, at least it was a card. I realised it didn't matter and I didn't care. So there's nothing either obvious or symbolic about Christmas to cause this strange aroma. And I was able to detect this long before my mum died, I became disabled, ho is rebound and a miserable old ratbag. Anyway I was just reminded of it when I wrote about being able to feel people on this site reading various posts, not necessarily mine, but reading
The original point I wanted tmake is if this week hadn't been "the week from hel" as it seemed to be none of the things that have happened since that very bad day, I would never have joined this site. Then I would have had nowhere and no one to share that day and the worse day that came afterwards with such caring, compassionate and understanding people, people I've never met. Wouldn't have felt that I mattered and that I did, after all, fit in somewhere. This site, or rather the people who belong to this site wouldn't have confirmed my almost non existent belief that there are still some really well meaning and authentically kind people left in the world. This site began my restoration of my faith in human nature, and with the people who have genuinely offered me their care and support asking for nothing in return has blown me away.
What I'm trying to say is that if it hadn't been what I thought was the worst day of my life was crucial to my belief in the goodness that is still there in some people. It took the worst thing for me to bring out the best in others. But then I've always believed that if every single second of my life, good and bad, hadn't happened exactly as they did, exactly when they did, with the people involved in my life at that time, I might not have joined this site when I did, might have done everything , or just one thing differently than I actually did do, and because I did everything I have done in my life I doubt very much that I'd be here now, this second. Just one small change 40 years ago could have taken me in a completely different direction. But now, this minute I'm blissfully happy that I'm here as it's just where I want and need to be. The thought that changing a single minute in my past could have changed now is thought provoking. I'm so very glad that I had that bad day as it's not just about wanting or needing to be here, it's more about being somewhere I don't just feel but know I can come and be me, I belong. Thank you for sticking with this extremely long post. If ever you have trouble sleeping here's your solution. Re read this post and I'm almost certain that before you get a quarter of the way through it you'll either begin to feel sleep or think "fuck this, there have got to be easier ways to get to sleep than read this, maybe counting sheep, hell counting anything, is a better option than reading this. Plus the fact I'm not that desperate to sleep " I love you all. Babygirl. X
