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An unsustainable life...

P

PerpetualAnhedonic

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2017
Messages
302
So.....here goes....well umm...I guess I have been a poly-substance user and abuser for most of my life.....certainly all of my adult (and teen) life.....and most definitely with strong preferences over the many years....

Well, at this point, even though I am actually managing my life again (for the most part), and being a responsible, productive, hardworking citizen and member of society, AND EVEN A (role) MODEL EMPLOYEE AT WORK (one which everyone points to to show others how it's done- and is consistently moving up and being considered for higher ranking positions)....but I am secretly an addict- to which I can now admit.

Well, very very recently, I may have happened to come across some fire LSD- something of which I have not used at all in nearly a decade.... Under its influence, I came to the realization that my life- the way I am living it, and being an addict, working hard and dependably like I am and continuing achieving such outstanding success.....that it is all far too likely, unsustainable- that in one way or another, I will suffer incredible hardships in relation.....and this is of great concern to me.

I have been doing incredible and I absolutely cannot crash and burn yet again as I have so many times before....I cannot have this all be for nothing. I cannot fail. I cannot fall. I cannot falter. I honestly don't know that I could live past such an event. Because this was my last chance at life. I was dead and gone. This scares me. But I do not want to quit. Especially considering so much of my success is largely tied to my use. So it's even almost as if I CAN'T.

I honestly don't know exactly why I'm posting this...or what my question(s) is/are....I don't know what to do.

-PA
 
Just because an idea came to you on LSD doesn't mean it is going to come true. You can still keep doing your best to maintain whatever it is you have achieved. I suppose there is always some sort of risk whenever we put our efforts into something because we might not be satisfied with our limitations but it is good to have something worth striving for (I think so at least).
 
Have you ever read the book “Mans Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl? It is a true story and I think from your post you will be turned on. ~XO
 
^ Great book, great perspective.

OP, I think perhaps you are seeing things in too black and white a manner and that bringing in a little gray could open up other possibilities. (For instance, are you sure you cannot falter? Are you sure being less than stellar on the job would compromise your prospects?) I do think you are correct that your addiction is not sustainable--because it really never is for someone that wants to live a full and healthy emotional life.

Does your DOC offer increased productivity (is it some kind of speed?) or help with social anxiety (benzos?). It would be good for the ongoing conversation to know what it is that you perceive is helpful or even "tied to" your career success. Because I guarantee there are other options.
 
^^I must agree. Without going into specifics, how negatively would the cessation of your DOC impact your job?
 
I have since reconsidered due to some certain circumstances and realized I was very misguided when I posted this thread. The way I've been going about my use was, has been, and pretty much undoubtedly will always be perfectly sustainable as long as HR guidelines are held close.

It's all about harm reduction, moderation and responsible use. I feel this stronger than ever now and won't allow dishonesty, bullshit, lies or false information and the snakes pushing it twist my mind again.

We can all do this people, with some willpower and strong minds. Use wisely, don't let anyone or anything drag you down.

-PA
 
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