I have this as an open letter to you, in the just in case scenerio. I have to wait 3 months for my MRI lovely huh? While some forign shitstain can be eating away at my brain. Meh that's Ontario Healthcare for you. Hey, do you want me totally out of your life? I dunno anymore, much of anything.
I fucked up, I AM fucked up. We both have our issues. can we grow up and realize we are both adults here and get over the stupidity that wasn't completely MY fault, it takes 2 to tango babe, and it didn't help that I was on behaviour altering medications that YOU KNEW would fuck me up for a good few weeks, I even TOLD you they would. Yet you say you want to continue what we have but yet as soon as some girl you used to date comes into town i become old news.
I am not sour, just confused, I actually believed you when you said you loved me. I guess your joke fell short on me, cause I don't understand. Now I can't even talk to you, I've been asked to leave you alone and wait for you to contact me. You know what though sweetheart, maybe when asking that of someone.....make sure they might not be on a life altering time limit....as in you know..... possibly DYING! Im sorry if I seem sour here, cause I am not, I am just confused. Can we just cut out the bullshit and tell the truth, you know Im not a fragile pettle sweetheart, I can take rejection when I know you mean it. Then again I just risked a save-able relationship, children, and sanity to be with you. Yet you seem to act like you were the risk taker in it all. I guess I talked to much about me and didn;t listen enough to YOU. I've always been there for you, when we were on better terms, I was always fucking there.....good or bad. Cause that's how friends roll. Im not angry, please don't think that. Im far from angry at you. Never have been angry. Just confused. Ok I was a little angry at first and said some horrid things to you that I never meant. You helped me realize that I need to better myself to be the better me, the saner me, and because of you I am on my way to being healthy in mind but this old body might give out sooner than hoped. You always said you would die young, but it seems that I might beat you to the punch.....who knows. I hope fucking not, that would fucking suck.
Dude, I fucking miss you. Its been a hell of a bore without you around and in my life. I miss the cuddles and falling asleep together, watching movies, and munching on junk food and walking and talking for hours on end. I miss everything though you could never understand why I ever stayed around. It was you, you were beyond what you thought about yourself, a sweet man with a good soul and handsome/sexy didn't help any matters.....that and both of our perverted minds and flirtations. Mutual morbid humor perhaps? LOL
I wish you would just MSN me, I miss you tons my friend, and hope that this "friend" who is relaying messages is right and you will contact me someday, and hopefully its not some day too late.
If nothing else besides friendship, all I wish is forgiveness for my psycho act. I miss your face, your eyes, your sly quirky shy smile. I used to love to cuddle and touch your face, your hands, your body.
At a time I need a REAL friend the most, and no one is here..... I feel so alone.
You used to come in here, I don't know anything anymore, I wish I did still know what to expect from you but after that sly drop out from left feild, I don't think I really ever knew you at all, besides what you told me about yourself.
I really don't know anything anymore...... I don;t even know why I am writing this.....
Are you still online? I dunno.... I just felt like writing to you, after all I am the psycho one jah?
I guess I just needed to talk. Maybe. maybe I just needed to say for the millionth time that I miss you. I can wait as long as you need but I dunno how long my body can function until that time arises, so i will just say I can wait..... but spare me the ever more hurt, if you dont ever want to see me again, just say so, ok?
I miss you, and that flea infested cat and I cannot lie, why should i lie when I have nothing left to lose really, I already look stupid here and you already called me psycho. I can;t help but to still love you. I thought you did too, at least that's what you said but then in front of the whole world practically you called me a psycho fall fling. Yes, that stung quite a bit. More so when just days before you were proclaiming love and "getting closer".
What the fuck do I know about men though huh? 2 failed engagements with men who were just the opposite of what you are.
I dunno what to think anymore.......
.......Tell me what to think huh bru.
Not that I expect a reply from you......ever.
I guess I am just hopeful, call me a fool I guess, I am hopeful things can be worked out.
*shrugs*
I know Im sorry might not be enough but fack I dunno what to say, or do, or think or want or fuck.....not a hellva anything.
P.S. I Heart You
Now I better get my ass to bed or I'll be a raging cunt in the morning and a pounding migrane da boot.
I hope you are safe and warm and happy and doing well.
FACK i better go before I start tearing up over..... i dunno.....
*sigh*
I fucked up, I AM fucked up. We both have our issues. can we grow up and realize we are both adults here and get over the stupidity that wasn't completely MY fault, it takes 2 to tango babe, and it didn't help that I was on behaviour altering medications that YOU KNEW would fuck me up for a good few weeks, I even TOLD you they would. Yet you say you want to continue what we have but yet as soon as some girl you used to date comes into town i become old news.
I am not sour, just confused, I actually believed you when you said you loved me. I guess your joke fell short on me, cause I don't understand. Now I can't even talk to you, I've been asked to leave you alone and wait for you to contact me. You know what though sweetheart, maybe when asking that of someone.....make sure they might not be on a life altering time limit....as in you know..... possibly DYING! Im sorry if I seem sour here, cause I am not, I am just confused. Can we just cut out the bullshit and tell the truth, you know Im not a fragile pettle sweetheart, I can take rejection when I know you mean it. Then again I just risked a save-able relationship, children, and sanity to be with you. Yet you seem to act like you were the risk taker in it all. I guess I talked to much about me and didn;t listen enough to YOU. I've always been there for you, when we were on better terms, I was always fucking there.....good or bad. Cause that's how friends roll. Im not angry, please don't think that. Im far from angry at you. Never have been angry. Just confused. Ok I was a little angry at first and said some horrid things to you that I never meant. You helped me realize that I need to better myself to be the better me, the saner me, and because of you I am on my way to being healthy in mind but this old body might give out sooner than hoped. You always said you would die young, but it seems that I might beat you to the punch.....who knows. I hope fucking not, that would fucking suck.
Dude, I fucking miss you. Its been a hell of a bore without you around and in my life. I miss the cuddles and falling asleep together, watching movies, and munching on junk food and walking and talking for hours on end. I miss everything though you could never understand why I ever stayed around. It was you, you were beyond what you thought about yourself, a sweet man with a good soul and handsome/sexy didn't help any matters.....that and both of our perverted minds and flirtations. Mutual morbid humor perhaps? LOL
I wish you would just MSN me, I miss you tons my friend, and hope that this "friend" who is relaying messages is right and you will contact me someday, and hopefully its not some day too late.
If nothing else besides friendship, all I wish is forgiveness for my psycho act. I miss your face, your eyes, your sly quirky shy smile. I used to love to cuddle and touch your face, your hands, your body.
At a time I need a REAL friend the most, and no one is here..... I feel so alone.
You used to come in here, I don't know anything anymore, I wish I did still know what to expect from you but after that sly drop out from left feild, I don't think I really ever knew you at all, besides what you told me about yourself.
I really don't know anything anymore...... I don;t even know why I am writing this.....
Are you still online? I dunno.... I just felt like writing to you, after all I am the psycho one jah?
I guess I just needed to talk. Maybe. maybe I just needed to say for the millionth time that I miss you. I can wait as long as you need but I dunno how long my body can function until that time arises, so i will just say I can wait..... but spare me the ever more hurt, if you dont ever want to see me again, just say so, ok?
I miss you, and that flea infested cat and I cannot lie, why should i lie when I have nothing left to lose really, I already look stupid here and you already called me psycho. I can;t help but to still love you. I thought you did too, at least that's what you said but then in front of the whole world practically you called me a psycho fall fling. Yes, that stung quite a bit. More so when just days before you were proclaiming love and "getting closer".
What the fuck do I know about men though huh? 2 failed engagements with men who were just the opposite of what you are.
I dunno what to think anymore.......
.......Tell me what to think huh bru.
Not that I expect a reply from you......ever.
I guess I am just hopeful, call me a fool I guess, I am hopeful things can be worked out.
*shrugs*
I know Im sorry might not be enough but fack I dunno what to say, or do, or think or want or fuck.....not a hellva anything.
P.S. I Heart You
Now I better get my ass to bed or I'll be a raging cunt in the morning and a pounding migrane da boot.
I hope you are safe and warm and happy and doing well.
FACK i better go before I start tearing up over..... i dunno.....
*sigh*