...yet I continue to do so.
I just got back from driving the girl I've been seeing home. We met in rehab which was her first experience with getting clean. It isn't my first time in a facility and I've had significant time/experience with Narcotics Anonymous so you will see why I am well aware of my role in her current despair and HOMELESSNESS.
We were instantly attracted to each other at rehab and I was conflicted about doing or saying anything about my desire to get to know her on a deeper level. Yes, I am talking about a sexual knowledge but it was much more than that.
I knew that emotions would return once the drugs left our systems. I knew that our sex drives would return as well. I knew that addicts like us cling to others as the confusion of being clean starts to occur. I knew that I would be interfering with her recovery if we 'hooked up'. I knew that the excitement of flirtation, jealousy of others and 'wrongness' of our affair was an escape similar to the drugs. I knew ALL of these things but still pursued. This is the beginning of the harm I've caused.
She left rehab Against Medical Advice (AMA) so she could see/be with me. When a person goes AMA they lose any benefits, such as placement into a halfway house, provided by the state/county/facility.
She stayed with me at my apartment for maybe a week and then we picked up her 4 year old son from her ex-boyfriend. Her ex was/is DEEP into his addiction and could very well be one of those who is 'constitutionally incapable of being honest' with himself that the 12 Step programs speak of.
She and her son stayed with me and my dog for another week and it was nice. We went to meetings every day (only missing 2). It was nice and I benefited from their company by learning a lot from the experience of being responsible and being a positive influence in that little guy's life for the brief time I was in it.
They couldn't stay with me for reasons I don't wish to share.
She was told before going to rehab that she could stay with her brother and his wife when she got out. They retracted that offer the day before she was to come home.
Her parent's didn't offer her a place in their home either.
Her other ex, the father of two of her children, said she could stay at his place at the last minute. We suspected he had ulterior motives since he has been trying to get her in bed again ever since they broke up years ago.
We drove to his house and he helped us unload her stuff. He had been drinking and had that look and attitude us guys get when we think we are getting laid.
She and I then went to grab a bite to eat. Shortly afterward she calls him and he is screaming at her that she is a pig, that she'll never change and that she hasn't been in town three hours and she was back to her 'old games'. He also said she wasn't welcome to stay there.
We drove back to his house and the guy was trashed and screaming how he shot $27,000 dollars worth of shit years ago and that anyone who can't stop on their own is a pussy. He put his hands on my shoulders in a forceful manner and yelled some other words about 'pussies' and stormed out down the street still yelling about people being pussies.
We packed her things back in my car and drove off in confusion.
I can only theorize that his offer to have her stay there was in expectation of them getting back together or simply for him to have a conditional piece of ass OR that he didn't know that her 4 year old was coming with her OR his original offer was made in haste and he was regretting it.
I think my presence affected him. He thought she wasn't seeing anyone perhaps?
We dropped her things off at her parents and drove into the mountains to talk and attempt to piece things together.
She had taken a valium or xanax earlier which her hairdresser gave her and she told me how she really wanted to drink to get fucked up.
Her daughter called her and she said that she could stay the night with her at a friend's house. My girl asked if they had any beer there. Apparently there wasn't because she told me she wanted to stop off to buy some on the way over. She only had $4 and I tried to give her a twenty so that she would have something in her pocket.
I drove to a bar upon her request and bought her a six pack. I was tired of dicking around with it, I suppose. I knew she was going to drink but needed to actually see it to make it real for me. At least I think thats why I did it.
I drove her to the house and told her I wasn't coming in.
It was a sad moment. I'm afraid that this GOOD person is going to fall into a darker place than the one she was trying to pull herself out of and I have contributed greatly to her descent.
If I could go back in time I would have convinced her to stay in rehab until her approved discharge date.
I have interfered with her recovery by distracting her from her needs provided by the facility.
I have interfered by thinking I could 'save her'.
The painful part is that my interference has not only affected her, but that little boy that has so much potential.
She is in a horrible place right now, surrounded by selfish, hurtful people that want to suck others into the same misery that they are in and I drove away to the comfort of my dog and apartment.
I am trying to justify that it was a matter of self-preservation for me but I believe I could have tried harder, thought of SOME SORT OF SOLUTION.
I never wanted to hurt anyone or be a party to someone falling into their active addiction.
I still remember the pain, loneliness and confusion of my drug infested life and yet I threw someone back into theirs. Worse than what they experienced before.
If I was only stronger, if I worked harder, if I tried harder. I can think of MANY 'ifs'. None of them are acceptable but the reality of my role in her current pain
I just got back from driving the girl I've been seeing home. We met in rehab which was her first experience with getting clean. It isn't my first time in a facility and I've had significant time/experience with Narcotics Anonymous so you will see why I am well aware of my role in her current despair and HOMELESSNESS.
We were instantly attracted to each other at rehab and I was conflicted about doing or saying anything about my desire to get to know her on a deeper level. Yes, I am talking about a sexual knowledge but it was much more than that.
I knew that emotions would return once the drugs left our systems. I knew that our sex drives would return as well. I knew that addicts like us cling to others as the confusion of being clean starts to occur. I knew that I would be interfering with her recovery if we 'hooked up'. I knew that the excitement of flirtation, jealousy of others and 'wrongness' of our affair was an escape similar to the drugs. I knew ALL of these things but still pursued. This is the beginning of the harm I've caused.
She left rehab Against Medical Advice (AMA) so she could see/be with me. When a person goes AMA they lose any benefits, such as placement into a halfway house, provided by the state/county/facility.
She stayed with me at my apartment for maybe a week and then we picked up her 4 year old son from her ex-boyfriend. Her ex was/is DEEP into his addiction and could very well be one of those who is 'constitutionally incapable of being honest' with himself that the 12 Step programs speak of.
She and her son stayed with me and my dog for another week and it was nice. We went to meetings every day (only missing 2). It was nice and I benefited from their company by learning a lot from the experience of being responsible and being a positive influence in that little guy's life for the brief time I was in it.
They couldn't stay with me for reasons I don't wish to share.
She was told before going to rehab that she could stay with her brother and his wife when she got out. They retracted that offer the day before she was to come home.
Her parent's didn't offer her a place in their home either.
Her other ex, the father of two of her children, said she could stay at his place at the last minute. We suspected he had ulterior motives since he has been trying to get her in bed again ever since they broke up years ago.
We drove to his house and he helped us unload her stuff. He had been drinking and had that look and attitude us guys get when we think we are getting laid.
She and I then went to grab a bite to eat. Shortly afterward she calls him and he is screaming at her that she is a pig, that she'll never change and that she hasn't been in town three hours and she was back to her 'old games'. He also said she wasn't welcome to stay there.
We drove back to his house and the guy was trashed and screaming how he shot $27,000 dollars worth of shit years ago and that anyone who can't stop on their own is a pussy. He put his hands on my shoulders in a forceful manner and yelled some other words about 'pussies' and stormed out down the street still yelling about people being pussies.
We packed her things back in my car and drove off in confusion.
I can only theorize that his offer to have her stay there was in expectation of them getting back together or simply for him to have a conditional piece of ass OR that he didn't know that her 4 year old was coming with her OR his original offer was made in haste and he was regretting it.
I think my presence affected him. He thought she wasn't seeing anyone perhaps?
We dropped her things off at her parents and drove into the mountains to talk and attempt to piece things together.
She had taken a valium or xanax earlier which her hairdresser gave her and she told me how she really wanted to drink to get fucked up.
Her daughter called her and she said that she could stay the night with her at a friend's house. My girl asked if they had any beer there. Apparently there wasn't because she told me she wanted to stop off to buy some on the way over. She only had $4 and I tried to give her a twenty so that she would have something in her pocket.
I drove to a bar upon her request and bought her a six pack. I was tired of dicking around with it, I suppose. I knew she was going to drink but needed to actually see it to make it real for me. At least I think thats why I did it.
I drove her to the house and told her I wasn't coming in.
It was a sad moment. I'm afraid that this GOOD person is going to fall into a darker place than the one she was trying to pull herself out of and I have contributed greatly to her descent.
If I could go back in time I would have convinced her to stay in rehab until her approved discharge date.
I have interfered with her recovery by distracting her from her needs provided by the facility.
I have interfered by thinking I could 'save her'.
The painful part is that my interference has not only affected her, but that little boy that has so much potential.
She is in a horrible place right now, surrounded by selfish, hurtful people that want to suck others into the same misery that they are in and I drove away to the comfort of my dog and apartment.
I am trying to justify that it was a matter of self-preservation for me but I believe I could have tried harder, thought of SOME SORT OF SOLUTION.
I never wanted to hurt anyone or be a party to someone falling into their active addiction.
I still remember the pain, loneliness and confusion of my drug infested life and yet I threw someone back into theirs. Worse than what they experienced before.
If I was only stronger, if I worked harder, if I tried harder. I can think of MANY 'ifs'. None of them are acceptable but the reality of my role in her current pain
