Oxymuncher
Bluelighter
Hello, dark side,
I say that lightheartedly, as I do with everything in my life from my flashbacks to getting clean from IV heroin. I realise I've been living in the dark side for about 7 years now. When I was 16 I was abused by a teacher at my school which was complicated by Physical assault by other students. I (in my own idiocy) tried to find a way to "fix" myself and tried psilocybin, even as I type this my heart rate has gone up to 125 and I am sweating. The combination of trauma experienced, combined with the trip caused an extremely intense experience during which I completely disassociated from my own body. The entire experience was terrifying, but I could not have predicted that nearly a decade later I would have been experiencing flashbacks of all 3 events every day.
On the outside things look good, I do interesting work and I portray a confident attitude. But it may sound insane but my triggers for the PTSD are now everywhere. From railway stations to schools too long corridors. On Christmas day this year I had a particularly bad flashback and to snap myself out of it I smashed a glass into a wall (with my hand) requiring about 10 stitches. I can't see a way out, I am on diazepam which is the only thing that has ever made a dent in this but sadly my GP is desperately trying to pull me off it. I don't really know how to describe the flashbacks but it is complete disassociation and I am no longer in control I just need to make it stop. For anyone relatively medical my BP was 203/111 and HR 192 during one when I was in Majors for an unrelated issue. If this happens on a train platform, near a road? I don't know what will happen.
Thus far medical help has failed to do much, only benzodiazepines treat the flashbacks when taken regularly. But I don't see myself putting up with this way of life especially with the pressure I am getting to stop them as they are addictive (I've already been prescribed them for 4 years mate. I think we're past that haha). I don't follow their thought process?
To be very blunt: I don't want to die, but I don't want to live and I'm too scared to kill myself. I'd use morphine injections to do it, clearly, I have been thinking of this for a long time.
I hope someone can relate,
Please understand what chemicals can do when not respected
Don't be as naive as I was.
I say that lightheartedly, as I do with everything in my life from my flashbacks to getting clean from IV heroin. I realise I've been living in the dark side for about 7 years now. When I was 16 I was abused by a teacher at my school which was complicated by Physical assault by other students. I (in my own idiocy) tried to find a way to "fix" myself and tried psilocybin, even as I type this my heart rate has gone up to 125 and I am sweating. The combination of trauma experienced, combined with the trip caused an extremely intense experience during which I completely disassociated from my own body. The entire experience was terrifying, but I could not have predicted that nearly a decade later I would have been experiencing flashbacks of all 3 events every day.
On the outside things look good, I do interesting work and I portray a confident attitude. But it may sound insane but my triggers for the PTSD are now everywhere. From railway stations to schools too long corridors. On Christmas day this year I had a particularly bad flashback and to snap myself out of it I smashed a glass into a wall (with my hand) requiring about 10 stitches. I can't see a way out, I am on diazepam which is the only thing that has ever made a dent in this but sadly my GP is desperately trying to pull me off it. I don't really know how to describe the flashbacks but it is complete disassociation and I am no longer in control I just need to make it stop. For anyone relatively medical my BP was 203/111 and HR 192 during one when I was in Majors for an unrelated issue. If this happens on a train platform, near a road? I don't know what will happen.
Thus far medical help has failed to do much, only benzodiazepines treat the flashbacks when taken regularly. But I don't see myself putting up with this way of life especially with the pressure I am getting to stop them as they are addictive (I've already been prescribed them for 4 years mate. I think we're past that haha). I don't follow their thought process?
To be very blunt: I don't want to die, but I don't want to live and I'm too scared to kill myself. I'd use morphine injections to do it, clearly, I have been thinking of this for a long time.
I hope someone can relate,
Please understand what chemicals can do when not respected
Don't be as naive as I was.