TDS An honest description of PTSD: Daily torture.

Oxymuncher

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 9, 2018
Messages
59
Location
Brentwood Essex
Hello, dark side,

I say that lightheartedly, as I do with everything in my life from my flashbacks to getting clean from IV heroin. I realise I've been living in the dark side for about 7 years now. When I was 16 I was abused by a teacher at my school which was complicated by Physical assault by other students. I (in my own idiocy) tried to find a way to "fix" myself and tried psilocybin, even as I type this my heart rate has gone up to 125 and I am sweating. The combination of trauma experienced, combined with the trip caused an extremely intense experience during which I completely disassociated from my own body. The entire experience was terrifying, but I could not have predicted that nearly a decade later I would have been experiencing flashbacks of all 3 events every day.

On the outside things look good, I do interesting work and I portray a confident attitude. But it may sound insane but my triggers for the PTSD are now everywhere. From railway stations to schools too long corridors. On Christmas day this year I had a particularly bad flashback and to snap myself out of it I smashed a glass into a wall (with my hand) requiring about 10 stitches. I can't see a way out, I am on diazepam which is the only thing that has ever made a dent in this but sadly my GP is desperately trying to pull me off it. I don't really know how to describe the flashbacks but it is complete disassociation and I am no longer in control I just need to make it stop. For anyone relatively medical my BP was 203/111 and HR 192 during one when I was in Majors for an unrelated issue. If this happens on a train platform, near a road? I don't know what will happen.

Thus far medical help has failed to do much, only benzodiazepines treat the flashbacks when taken regularly. But I don't see myself putting up with this way of life especially with the pressure I am getting to stop them as they are addictive (I've already been prescribed them for 4 years mate. I think we're past that haha). I don't follow their thought process?

To be very blunt: I don't want to die, but I don't want to live and I'm too scared to kill myself. I'd use morphine injections to do it, clearly, I have been thinking of this for a long time.

I hope someone can relate,
Please understand what chemicals can do when not respected
Don't be as naive as I was.
 
So what meds/drugs are you currently taking, and how much of each drug are you regularly taking?

In my experience, benzos work amazingly at first, but once you start building tolerance/physical dependence they really lose their effectiveness and it's a generally a downhill slope from there. Increasing dosages increases the side effects and decreases your naturally ability to cope and manage stress, including things like ptsd. Essentially your body starts to rely completely on benzos in order to regulate itself. GABA(the neurotransmitter/receptors that benzos act on) works in conjunction with glutamate(excitatory neurotransmitters). GAbA causes relaxation, glutamate causes excitation. Taking benzos will lower your natural GABA to put it simply.

It sounds to me like a lot of what you are experiencing is being amplified by the fact your body is dependent upon benzos. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I also found benzos to be a sort of miracle drug- at least initially. Once tolerance and physical dependence occurs though, the opposite becomes true. They lose their effectiveness, and then they just make you feel somewhat 'normal" when on them, and when off them you'll feel completely unstable. Things like rebound anxiety and elevated stress response are very common side effects of benzos. Most medical professionals who are aware of this would agree that for these reasons they are not suitable for long term chronic use.

Have you ever spoken to a counselor or therapist that is skilled in working with people with PTSD? At this point, you'll probably need to see a substance use disorder counselor in conjunction with a PTSD/trauma specialist. If not, do you have anyone else at all that you are able to talk about these things with? There are also support groups. I'm not a huge fan of 12 step groups but I have met a lot of people who can relate at NA meetings. It's not a bad place to meet others who can understand and won't judge even if you don't agree with their philosophy.
 
I have the same crappy condition. I might have to be on medication for the rest of my life. Its a possibility ill need the antidepressants and benzos for the next few decades. Smoke more weed i guess, thats what my doctors and therapists tell me.
 
I am seeing a PTSD/ADHD specialist and I too prefer the scientific side of recovery (I studied Neuropsychopharmacology/pharmacodynamics at university for self-interest) ADHD medication is eliminating opioid cravings and I use the meetings for the support; for which I am eternally grateful. I am pursuing EMDR and possibly TMS, since my post I've tried to ONLY take diazepam at night and use propranolol to prevent a "flashback" event. I have only been on a dose above 8mg for 1 year, so this is the best time to come off. If I wait I am aware that it will only get worse. I row, I play the guitar, run, cycle and do pretty much everything healthy I can to manage stress, but PTSD symptoms come on so damn suddenly that it's caused me to do some very terrifying things in those blackouts.

But yes, I am feeling better in general. In terms of targetted therapy, I'm going to stay away from substance councillors and try and focus on the reasons why I used chemicals in the first place (impulsivity was a very large part).

Thanks for your help :)
 
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