an attempt at rhyming poetry - something new for me - looking for critiques please

[Mind-Melt]

untitled

from the top of the day
until i sleep
the difference between
a coward and me
is nothing more
than a pledge to the meek
that eagerly gives my
strength to the weak

when nothing more
remains to see
except statues and portraits
damned to be "free"
like the bird in a cage
and those left to bleed
in the eyes of the fallen
who're damned by their greed.

the words of the wrathful
won't reach the deaf's ears
but the eyes of the blind
can always shed tears
so i'll suffer today
knowing victory awaits
when i muster the will
to pass through rusted gates

that border their graves
and impound their souls
to free those who're trapped -
to fill barren holes
of the void that they feel
when nothing seems real:
just memories of the past
smiling faces conceal

or the masks we all wear
to hide the souls we must bear
til the oncoming storm
bleeds with solemn despair
like the laments of the widows
and the eulogies for saints,
like the scholar's last thesis
and the artist's red paint.

 

[Raz]

That is a pretty awesome effort! I have tried rhyming a few times but I am never really happy with how it turns out, I think you've done a much better job than anything I've ever tried :D

The last two verses I think are the weakest....the first three while flowing on from one another are all also fairly self-contained whereas I think the last two rely more on being a continuation of what's come before, it kind of feels like you've broken them up to keep the same formatting but they don't necessarily actually stand on their own. I really like some of the phrasing you've used throughout the whole piece though!

 

[Mind-Melt]

Thank you for the kind words, Raz. It's interesting how you think the last 2 stanzas are the weakest, because they are some of my favorites in the piece! Haha, very interesting and I take your suggestions very seriously. I especially like how you've analyzed the piece both as individual stanzas as well as how the stanzas work with another and with the piece as a whole. Very cool. Thanks a bunch man.

Also, bumping for more critiques, please. Thanks in advance!