Sorry to have taken so long to respond, as I know various ideas and questions have been poised. I've kind of given up on this drug abstience program. It's complete bullshit. I went into rehab with an open mind, trying to learn anything I could and CONVINCED how fucked up smoking weed and doing MDA was, and all I heard from the "therapists" if you will was "Your life was horrible, all your friends hated you, and you were tearing your family apart." After getting out of rehab, I have to laugh at this. What the fuck was I thinking letting them tell me what was happening? And how much worse is it seeing other kids in that class be told how bad their lives were when they'd done less than me? Come-fucking-on.
Aside from being caught by my parents, our relationship was pretty solid - not perfect by any means, but relative to many of my friends, pretty solid - my friends, while all being using friends, were real people, true people, the only people I had to rely on, other than myself. I know that for fact; a week after my parents withdrew me from rehab saying they "thought it was bullshit," I was trying to call someone not related to drugs, as for a while I really had a desire to stay clean. I couldn't do it, and I just broke and shattered...I sat in my car for well over an hour just completely demoralized and crying. I'd realized that I'd become alone and I had absolutely no one. That feeling, ugh that feeling...I can't even begin to describe the feeling of despair and hopelessness that creates. I think for those few hours, I was not only dead, but burning in what is commonly known as hell.
Well, anyway, I called up one of my friends that I hadn't seen in probably 6 months as he'd turned to "harder drugs," and he and I went and smoked a few bowls. (might I add - don't smoke for over two months and smoke some bomb ass bud - %) ) It wasn't so much the bud (the bud did play part) as it was being with my old friend that made all my worries go away. That was the thing about my friends - while we were high, (we weren't exactly any more intelligent, but more willing and eager to listen and help) we'd be our own "help group." I had that taken away from me, and I had tried to get it back through this rehab group, but it wasn't there. I spilled all of my guts in there, and it did nothing. But within 10 minutes of being around my friends, wether I was sober or not, my problems would be solved...not swept under the rug, completely gone. And on top of all of that, I've came across many a new friend from this rehab. A lot of kids at school heard about this story, and incidentally have came to "smoke me out in celebration" of being out of rehab. Mostly the females, too, so I'm not complaning.
I've subsequently gone from there to return to the couple grams a weekend, and I pass the "random" drug screens my parents give me (which A. aren't really random and B. those stupid home tests that any fucktuft could pass) and became more curious and been trying to explore more dissociative and "mind-expanding" drugs like shrooms and LSD. Weed, MDA, and Ambien would have had no impact on this...ever since I heard about the 60's and "magic mushrooms" and LSD flashbacks in grade school, psychedelics have been the most fascinating thing to me. Period.
The one thing I did take away from rehab, and something I am very grateful for, is the sense of responsibility I've taken away from it. That being said though, there were some kids in there that really did need help; for sake of being respectful and in line with the law, I'm not gonna go into their stories. But damn, I feel kinda bad for wasting the time of the people in rehab and wasting my parents money.
Some view it as weak? Sure. Some view me as an idiot for using drugs? Sure, but who are they? Nobody to me. Not only do they not know what I've been through (no excuse for my using), but they don't understand how brilliant and beautiful drugs can be. Nor do they realize how drugs, even something as simple as weed, can bring people together. I have 10 people I know from smoking weed that I can consider siblings, and people who I would put my balls out there for.
In response to the parents wanting me to be in rehab - it wasn't my parents, rather, it was the social worker at the hospital who had known me for all of two hours (both of which I was incredibly fucked up off the Ambien). This bitch said to my parents that "he NEEDS inpatient, or else he's gonna end up really hurting himself!" Stupid bitch not only knew everything about me after talking to me for 2 hours, but knew this from 2 hours when I was babbling like a baby about the keg that was crawling through the air ducts. I made the analogy in rehab class to "analyzing an entire book, from one page, when it's written in a forigen language," and my therapist told me the social worker had to interview me because I was there. Yeah, like I couldn't have stayed overnight or came back the next day. 8) 8)
My parents managed to get her to reduce it to outpatient only. Insurance wouldn't have paid those hospital bills if I had been removed from the hospital against a doctor's orders.
I found out that both of my parents were pretty big drug-users throughout college. Both smoked boatloads of weed, did LSD, dabbled in coke, smoked cigarettes, and drank socially. They had an excuse though, it was the "hippie era, and no one knew how bad drugs were" 8( 8( 8( 8( 8(
edit - and the fifth most viewed thread in trip reports. Damn. :D
Good luck with the trust thing.
Hang in there!
