Although I just sent you a private message, I feel the need to respond here as well. I have been through your hell and I know the terror. I made a lot of mistakes--they were all human, all from a place of mother-love but they were mistakes because they did more to add to the chaos than to tame it.
The first mistake I made was to lose all boundaries with my son. It was as if I could not think or experience anything outside of the terror I felt for him and for his life. I lost my own life altogether which was neither healthy for me nor helpful for him. I got various kinds of counseling for that eventually and it diffused the "He wants to do drugs/ I want him off of drugs" paradigm we were locked into and made more space for common ground. No matter how many times someone says you can't live your kid's life for him/her, when it comes to something life threatening your instinct is to try. It was actually a near fatal overdose that finally hit me on the head like a hammer and I realized that I did not have the power to save my son's life. When I stopped focusing on that, stopped trying to smooth every single solitary possible hardship from his path in order to save his life (in my mind), I was able to simply support him. I was able to express my love, my anger, my terror, my frustration, and he was able to express his. The main thing is that we were able to come together and establish some guidelines for communication.
I don't know from your post where your daughter is in all this. Is she afraid and asking for help? Is she denying anything is even a problem?
The bottom line is that
even for your child you cannot control this. You can express your fear to her but try to avoid anything that can even remotely be construed as blame. Most people use drugs for very rational reasons. Boredom, a need for adventure, a need for solace, a need for acceptance, a way to combat loneliness, self-loathing, depression and anxiety, even a search for meaning. Try to start a conversation with her about her life first.
Get support for yourself (your husband should too). This could mean a therapist or it could mean time with trusted friends--whatever you can count on to help you through this. People believe in magical cures that do not even really exist. Yes, rehab may be a necessary step (if your daughter wants it) but it is not a silver bullet. There is work to be done that only she can do and there is no one way to do it.
From one broken heart to another, from one mother to another, I wish you and your daughter the best.
