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Am I in denial of being bisexual? Does my wife fully understand/know?

who said anything about doing that? i agree with you, but you've gone off on a tangent. he's got an insecurity, and he wants to be secure, or at least feel that way. it doesn't sound like his marriage is giving him what he needs in the way of sex. ask your wife to dominate you- role reversal.
i understand full well that asking your wife if you can sleep with someone else is a bit funny, and a bit dramatic, but he's being a drama queen about the whole thing, so it's fitting.
ok here are your various options- take my original advice, or work out whether you have unresolved daddy issues, or if you have a oral fixation, if you admire him and have an oral fixation too. Or if you are happily married, simply accept you are bi-no two ways about it, and get over your crush, until you work out a way to convince your wife into having a 3way. tell her you are bi, and you've just never known because of society's need for seeing everything in black and white-i'm sure she won't be surprised!
like i said, your compassionate wife who obviously loves you has given you plenty of chances to stop being a castrato and come out with your true feelings, and share your emotional burden. she knows. so do you. it's just a hard one to accept for a little while, trust me i know.
 
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the way i look at it is i have seen in my mums siblings four sucessful marriages that have lasted over roughly 20 years some maybe 30. the truth is that if they started talking about fancying other people (even though i'm sure they have as human beings) then it would have put the marriage in jeopardy.

when you marry someone you make a lifetime commitment. i know thats not fashionable nowadays but if i was with someone for life and had a huge emotional investment in them i would be pissed off if they told me they had a strong attraction to a specific person. sometimes in life you cant have your cake and eat it, you have to compromise.

maybe you think that everyone is as jealousy free and open minded as you are but i dont think that holds true across the board. she has accepted his sexual preference surely thats good enough for now.

i agree that women have intuitions about things but i also think that if he wants to stay with her and keep this marriage going ,as he is bisexual as opposed to gay in a sham marriage, he needs to keep her sweet.
 
I also want to re-emphasize that I seriously don't think your sexual orientation defines you. It's a minuscule part of us that's way overblown in our society imo and if you're happy with your wife I don't think it should matter that much. Obviously this is just my opinion but I just think it should be considered that maybe people shouldn't be defined in terms of who they're attracted to.
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In terms of how someone is perceived by others or wider society, no, of course. Demanding everyone fits neatly into one of a very limited number of little boxes just so they can be conveniently categorised is bullshit, you're right. I don't think that's what we're talking about here. Self-identification as straight, bi, gay, whatever as sexual identity is key to how we ourselves view ourselves. Acceptance of that self-identification is what many so often struggle with, going instead into deny and repress mode. That's psychologically and emotionally damaging to the individual. Once you've accepted where you are enough to self-identify with even one of these narrow categories the next step has to be eliciting that acceptance from others that matter to you also. And if you all matter to eachother, why should anyone care?

B1tO'RoughJack, I think your reading of the situation and general advice, while colourful is pretty spot on fella. He knows, she knows, they're talking about it while doing everything in their power to not talk about it. Utterly futile.
 
^I think I was misunderstood. My point was merely that if he doesn't actually intend on really *doing* anything about the fact that he's bisexual, ie. if he's limiting it only to fantasy and doesn't plan on acting on it or asking his wife if he can act on it or whatever, I think he should reconsider whether or not he actually needs to tell her - and I was justifying that by explaining my views on how I think our sexual identities should be looked at much less. Obviously I get lots of people could disagree with that but just my opinion. If it's only a matter of letting his wife know he's fantasized about men I'm not sure it's really necessary...I mean, if I had a boyfriend and were fantasizing about other guys but not planning on acting on anything I wouldn't tell him and I'm pretty sure that's true in most relationships. I don't think it makes a difference the gender you're interested in.
 
^ you were not misunderstood! YOU misunderstood me - talk about taking the Michael!

I also don't think you can speak for "most peoples relationships".

pofacedhoe said:
the way i look at it is i have seen in my mums siblings four sucessful marriages that have lasted over roughly 20 years some maybe 30. the truth is that if they started talking about fancying other people (even though i'm sure they have as human beings) then it would have put the marriage in jeopardy.
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when you marry someone you make a lifetime commitment. i know thats not fashionable nowadays but if i was with someone for life and had a huge emotional investment in them i would be pissed off if they told me they had a strong attraction to a specific person. sometimes in life you cant have your cake and eat it, you have to compromise.

maybe you think that everyone is as jealousy free and open minded as you are but i dont think that holds true across the board. she has accepted his sexual preference surely thats good enough for now.

i agree that women have intuitions about things but i also think that if he wants to stay with her and keep this marriage going ,as he is bisexual as opposed to gay in a sham marriage, he needs to keep her sweet.[/
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I'll come back to this this afternoon.

Sepher said:
In terms of how someone is perceived by others or wider society, no, of course. Demanding everyone fits neatly into one of a very limited number of little boxes just so they can be conveniently categorised is bullshit, you're right. I don't think that's what we're talking about here. Self-identification as straight, bi, gay, whatever as sexual identity is key to how we ourselves view ourselves. Acceptance of that self-identification is what many so often struggle with, going instead into deny and repress mode. That's psychologically and emotionally damaging to the individual. Once you've accepted where you are enough to self-identify with even one of these narrow categories the next step has to be eliciting that acceptance from others that matter to you also. And if you all matter to eachother, why should anyone care?

B1tO'RoughJack, I think your reading of the situation and general advice, while colourful is pretty spot on fella. He knows, she knows, they're talking about it while doing everything in their power to not talk about it. Utterly futile.
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THANK YOU brother!
 
okay so if he says "i fancy some other dude that we are close friends with and will bump into socially on a regular basis" where does his marriage go from there?

if the OP had said initially "I'm gay and i fancy another man should i tell my wife?" my response would be different.

honestly is a great policy but you have to think about were you are going to go from it. i'm not advocating loveless marriages but if you want to keep your marriage going then sometimes you have to compromise and think about how the other person would feel if you were in their shoes.

i'm not a dishonest person but i certainly never advocate playing all your cards at once. it depends on what the OP wants to achieve from the situation.

by all means OP tell her if you feel the need to
 
B1tO'RoughJack said:
^ you were not misunderstood! YOU misunderstood me - talk about taking the Michael!

I also don't think you can speak for "most peoples relationships".

I'll come back to this this afternoon.



THANK YOU brother!
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I wasn't talking to you. I already told you if you have a problem with me bring it to the senior staff rather than attacking me on the forums.
 
honestly is a great policy but you have to think about were you are going to go from it. i'm not advocating loveless marriages but if you want to keep your marriage going then sometimes you have to compromise and think about how the other person would feel if you were in their shoes.

i'm not a dishonest person but i certainly never advocate playing all your cards at once. it depends on what the OP wants to achieve from the situation.
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Not sure I agree at all with this. Openness, honesty, trust and acceptance are key requirements in a relationship. You seem to be advocating a lie by omission. That big unspoken lie of the OP hiding away something that fundamental to his sexual identity would be a cancer at the heart of the relationship. Destructive. Dishonesty in a relationship can be fatal to it.

Things would be unlikely to improve keeping it in denial, it could even make things worse as the inability to express it becomes more and more frustrating and consuming as might well happen. That could be every bit as damaging to the relationship as telling her. It's a difficult line, there are risks whichever way you jump of this being terminal to the relationship. That being the case I'd suggest telling her is less risky than not telling her, Least it gives her a chance of acceptance and a way forward for the OP. Both of them are denied that not telling her.
 
Sepher said:
Not sure I agree at all with this. Openness, honesty, trust and acceptance are key requirements in a relationship. You seem to be advocating a lie by omission. That big unspoken lie of the OP hiding away something that fundamental to his sexual identity would be a cancer at the heart of the relationship. Destructive. Dishonesty in a relationship can be fatal to it.

Things would be unlikely to improve keeping it in denial, it could even make things worse as the inability to express it becomes more and more frustrating and consuming as might well happen. That could be every bit as damaging to the relationship as telling her. It's a difficult line, there are risks whichever way you jump of this being terminal to the relationship. That being the case I'd suggest telling her is less risky than not telling her, Least it gives her a chance of acceptance and a way forward for the OP. Both of them are denied that not telling her.
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she has already said she is okay with him being bisexual. thats out in the open.

the issue now is whether to tell his wife he has a crush on her best friends husband. if you can explain to me how that is going to improve their relationship i would like to hear it. the reason being that if you remove sexuality from the equation is just like telling your wife you really fancy her female friend. a wise move? ur no because even if you manage to convince her that nothing is going to happen its going to create paranoia, jealousy and feelings of insecurity.

my thinking is that if you are in a short term relationship yeah go ahead and spill the beans whenever you want to because you can always find another relationship. if however you are married for a very long time and you want to keep that going there is more riding on it. releasing your own burden of guilt can simply be a way to put the emotional issue onto the other person.

e.g. my husband says he fancies someone else. whats wrong with me?

within a marriage people probably over the years come across loads of other people outside their marriage that they are attracted to. if every time this occurred you told your spouse then its damaging to relationship as its not something a wife wants to hear twice a year everytime her husband gets a sexy new co-worker.

i personally think the truth is something to be used with restraint. dont tell people things they dont need to know about.

if you want to get onto the subject of lying people lie constantly about a wide variety of things all day everyday
 
Fair enough, I probably read you all wrong. Agree and already said not to make this into something about a particular guy. Yeah, that would be threatening. At this stage stick with the vague 'I think I might be bi, I think I'd like to experience M on M to see if I really am.' Baby step it, give her time to adjust, see what develops. She might never get to the point where she's ok with him testing the waters, will have to cross that bridge when he comes to it.

Sorry if I came across as being disparaging of your opinion in some way. Absolutely not my intention, at all.
 
^ I would like to know too, after all this discourse.
Sepher said:
Not sure I agree at all with this. Openness, honesty, trust and acceptance are key requirements in a relationship. You seem to be advocating a lie by omission. That big unspoken lie of the OP hiding away something that fundamental to his sexual identity would be a cancer at the heart of the relationship. Destructive. Dishonesty in a relationship can be fatal to it.

Things would be unlikely to improve keeping it in denial, it could even make things worse as the inability to express it becomes more and more frustrating and consuming as might well happen. That could be every bit as damaging to the relationship as telling her. It's a difficult line, there are risks whichever way you jump of this being terminal to the relationship. That being the case I'd suggest telling her is less risky than not telling her, Least it gives her a chance of acceptance and a way forward for the OP. Both of them are denied that not telling her.
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totally agree.

Pofaced hoe - yeah I see what you mean about telling his wife about the crush.

OP - Maybe tell her he is most definitely bisexual to start off with, then maybe get her a bit looser so they can start some wife swapping/orgy time with their friends if they are up for it.

You can get whatever you want/need, just make sure your heart is in the right place, you're open, honest, and most of all selective with when you say what.

If you do it in increments, like Sepher suggests, then she can process it all better, when you tell her.

Not everything needs to come out in the open at the same time, but I think telling your wife you are bisexual is very important for her, but mostly for you because you then get to know if you are telling a lie - listen to the tone of your voice when you tell her.

Listen to what your gut says when you tell her - this will tell you intuitively if what you are experiencing is true - your tone of voice (at the end of a statement, that is not a question - it will go ^up if you are lying to her and yourself) and gut will once and for all inform you whether you are bisexual, or maybe even gay.

But to be honest - you just sound like a confused bisexual guy IF your sex life with your wife was at one time good, but now has fizzled away a bit due to your insecurities.
 
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pofacedhoe said:
agreed- OP whats happening?
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Not much currently. I want to clarify about the husband of her friend. I dont have a crush per say..hes just really hot..and i have thought about his penis in the past. I would never act on it..i guess hes just more eye candy.

I am really finding out who my true friends are right now. A couple we used to be close with..the husband of the couple refuses to talk to me, or any type of communication.

I am thinking i needed to not talk to so many others about my issues.
 
^ yeah, the reason you did that is so clear to everyone except you though. You needed your wife to find out, but it's hard to tell her directly. Easier for you if she knows, without you telling her. But when she asks, you bitch out there too.
 
dazed53 said:
Not much currently. I want to clarify about the husband of her friend. I dont have a crush per say..hes just really hot..and i have thought about his penis in the past. I would never act on it..i guess hes just more eye candy.

I am really finding out who my true friends are right now. A couple we used to be close with..the husband of the couple refuses to talk to me, or any type of communication.

I am thinking i needed to not talk to so many others about my issues.
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if some is that shallow and unaccepting of their friends then are they really worth knowing? because the world is full of people not worth knowing. you should accept people for who they are. nuff said
 
B1tO'RoughJack said:
Definitely ^ it's times like these, that you find out who your true friends are. Good riddance.
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I totally agree, it just hurts. Really hurts. I continue to have the need to seek advice from every female friend and family member of mine that are close to my age it seems. Not sure why. Im just so scared.
 
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