kanyeknievel
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2010
- Messages
- 535
Alright I just really want to get this all out with a bunch of opinions from people who have most likely gone through the same thing I have since I don't really know if I am "DEPRESSED" or if I am 'Despressed from stuff in my life now' or what.
I never really thought of myself as depressed or clinically depressed, I am a Psychology major and a damn good one and I do know about Depression and what it is and symptoms, but then there is a lot more to me that I don't know EXACTLY what all of it has done to me temporarily, and could be causing a possible slump right now.
My current feelings are generally like this : I feel basically fine through-out the day, though I don't feel like doing much as in going out and STAY out. I generally have to force myself to stay at my friend's house longer than a couple hours because after a few hours I get a feeling in my head that "I just want to go home." Though there isn't really anything I do at home other than watch a T.V. show, possibly play a game on the computer, look stuff up and learn, play guitar.
I have a lot of trouble falling asleep and I can't go to sleep basically ever without taking PM medication, and I NEVER can seem to stay asleep the whole way through, BUT I seem to attribute that to my bladder as I always wake up and have to pee. Though when I sleep I tend to sleep until I feel "Okay, I should get up.. I've been sleeping too long." Or "I need to get up/ I can't go to sleep anymore." Because if I don't have class or something I need to get up for, I don't really see a point in getting up to not do anything.
Right now it may seem like I am definitely depressed, but here is all of the kickers : I grew up from about 10-17 with an Alcoholic mom who scared me and my Dad would go on business trips sometimes and there were times that scared me, that bothered me I feel and definitely caused me to most likely do what I ended up doing Sophmore year of Highschool.. I got DRUNK the same night as I got HIGH , and I chose to get high.. and I was high every day basically for 3 years+ straight.
I got arrested, and around that time I did do other drugs a little. I had tripped on shrooms once, taken percocets a few times, xanax a few times. Then I got arrested, and got house arrest at 17, I tripped on LSD, had a bad trip after half-way through, then after I stopped smoking for 1 week for court, I smoked again.. the same amount I would as if I DIDN'T stop.. 3 bowls of a bong, in a minute basically. I got SO high it freaked me the fuck out, I thought I was tripping and I got laced with LSD and I freaked out so much that I put myself into freaking out mode/safety mode, and have had Depersonalzation since (I have dealt with DP since then and the past year and more it has just been there.. it sucks, but it is no where near as bad as it used to be. THough I do feel it effects me a good amount cause I still think "Why has this not gone away, what if it doesn't. I don't want to be like this my whole life.." and if I ever think of it I lose hope of that.. but I generally don't think of that.)
After that happened I couldn't smoke anymore cause I had it in my mind that if I even SMELLED weed I would get "high' and freak myself out. I slowly learned over the years that I was being ridiculous and I can smoke now, but it isn't the same with the DP so I just decided last night to stop smoking until I can straighten my mood and life out. During the time where I didn't smoke weed, and smoking was my whole persona through-out high school... it was my life, I accepted it to be me, I was happy, I was a BIG drug dealer. Had lots of friends, so many fun times, it was the peak of my happiness ... then it all came crashing down. I took E at least 50-75 times within a year, I then proceeded to get into Oxycontin, and did that A LOT... then moved onto Heroin which I did a good amount. I never shot it up, and never was a hardcore addict. And I decided to finally stop before it got out of hand and went on Suboxone over a year ago.
During the Suboxone time I still did do Opiates from time to time, I did coke binges a few times, I smoked weed and took Benzos in excess random days, sporadically. Then, through this whole time.. with how capable I am, how smart I know I am, how much of a competitive nature I have, how much of a perfectionist I am and hate losing.. I didn't go to a 4 year college like almost everyone else. I want to be there, I feel like I am not living up to my potential for that. I never learned responsibility, to work for anything, I have always been given everything. I am used to instant gratification. I notice how I was at my peak and I crashed into where I am now, and I am losing in my eyes, in life.
Everything I do, the process of things , even though they may be VERY BIG and VERY hard to do that I have done, such as quitting heroin, quitting drugs, quitting any drug I did on a DIME... I don't notice how big it was, I don't take it in and it is as if I just climbed a mountain, stayed at the peak of it for a second, noticed the next mountain and started going down the one I was at and onto the next one without appreciating how hard it was to get to the top of the last.
An example of this would be how I chose, myself, to get off of Suboxone 2 weeks ago. I told myself I will do it, and I did. I ordered Kratom and I haven't taken Suboxone once since 14days ago and I have been doing amazing with it. I also have been learning guitar furiously and improving immensely in the 4 months I have been playing, but I don't notice the process of everything.
Through-out all of this... all of the drugs, what they did to my brain and mood, one of my very good friends died in October 2012. I woke up to hear on the phone from my best friend, -name- died last night..... it was devastating. To hear someone so close to me had DIED, to experience DEATH already... while going through everything I have been. THEN a month later, my dog that I loved more than anyone outside of my family, more than anyone could possibly imagine, she was MY dog, a yellow lab, 11 years old. I loved her so much, she was with me through everything and always there for me and just typing makes my eyes water... she had to get her leg amputated from a cancerous tumor. She survived for 2 months, was able to swim in the pool (her favorite thing to do) before we had to close it... then one day I was in the bathroom, she had been breathing very heavily and her heart beating fast the past 2 days (the vet wouldn't be back till Wed. and it was Tues.) my parents scream my name, I run out and they are crying and she is on the floor.. not breathing and I run as fast as I can and start trying to give her CPR and look at her.. I hear one last heart beat and look in her eyes and tell her "Its okay Honey, I love you so much" and she was gone.... right in my arms, in front of my eyes. .....
I have come to terms in the best way possible with that situation, though I still can't think of it without crying. But those TWO deaths, one of them having to SEE a living thing go from life to death , it really fucked me up. It makes me think differently, or did. It made me think.. everything will die, my dad will, my best friends, my mom, and brothers. I will have to watch it all. THis right now.. what I see and do ... it just.. won't be here? And it is so hard for me to know that and just accept it and live it also.
So.... I really have no idea if I am actually DEPRESSED to the point where I would need "anti-depressants" , or if it is from everything in my past years. The years of being high, the crash of my life, the disappointment of myself, the lack of learning life skills, the many, many drugs I did in short time that my brain has not yet recovered from and I have not let it. The Depersonalization and my tension headaches. The after effects of not being on suboxone anymore, the deaths of 2 in 2 months. Basically all the drugs/alcohol effecting my thinking/mood and the events leading up to now.. I don't know whether those are fueled by depression or cause a temporary depression in which will go away as I learn and move forward... but it is very hard.
SOrry for the long post, but it all is necessary. It is impossible for me to take a "self-test" cause the questions have variables for me. I don't eat much cause Adderall makes me not eat. I can't sleep easy cause drugs made me sleep, etc.
Thank you for whoever does read this and responds.
I never really thought of myself as depressed or clinically depressed, I am a Psychology major and a damn good one and I do know about Depression and what it is and symptoms, but then there is a lot more to me that I don't know EXACTLY what all of it has done to me temporarily, and could be causing a possible slump right now.
My current feelings are generally like this : I feel basically fine through-out the day, though I don't feel like doing much as in going out and STAY out. I generally have to force myself to stay at my friend's house longer than a couple hours because after a few hours I get a feeling in my head that "I just want to go home." Though there isn't really anything I do at home other than watch a T.V. show, possibly play a game on the computer, look stuff up and learn, play guitar.
I have a lot of trouble falling asleep and I can't go to sleep basically ever without taking PM medication, and I NEVER can seem to stay asleep the whole way through, BUT I seem to attribute that to my bladder as I always wake up and have to pee. Though when I sleep I tend to sleep until I feel "Okay, I should get up.. I've been sleeping too long." Or "I need to get up/ I can't go to sleep anymore." Because if I don't have class or something I need to get up for, I don't really see a point in getting up to not do anything.
Right now it may seem like I am definitely depressed, but here is all of the kickers : I grew up from about 10-17 with an Alcoholic mom who scared me and my Dad would go on business trips sometimes and there were times that scared me, that bothered me I feel and definitely caused me to most likely do what I ended up doing Sophmore year of Highschool.. I got DRUNK the same night as I got HIGH , and I chose to get high.. and I was high every day basically for 3 years+ straight.
I got arrested, and around that time I did do other drugs a little. I had tripped on shrooms once, taken percocets a few times, xanax a few times. Then I got arrested, and got house arrest at 17, I tripped on LSD, had a bad trip after half-way through, then after I stopped smoking for 1 week for court, I smoked again.. the same amount I would as if I DIDN'T stop.. 3 bowls of a bong, in a minute basically. I got SO high it freaked me the fuck out, I thought I was tripping and I got laced with LSD and I freaked out so much that I put myself into freaking out mode/safety mode, and have had Depersonalzation since (I have dealt with DP since then and the past year and more it has just been there.. it sucks, but it is no where near as bad as it used to be. THough I do feel it effects me a good amount cause I still think "Why has this not gone away, what if it doesn't. I don't want to be like this my whole life.." and if I ever think of it I lose hope of that.. but I generally don't think of that.)
After that happened I couldn't smoke anymore cause I had it in my mind that if I even SMELLED weed I would get "high' and freak myself out. I slowly learned over the years that I was being ridiculous and I can smoke now, but it isn't the same with the DP so I just decided last night to stop smoking until I can straighten my mood and life out. During the time where I didn't smoke weed, and smoking was my whole persona through-out high school... it was my life, I accepted it to be me, I was happy, I was a BIG drug dealer. Had lots of friends, so many fun times, it was the peak of my happiness ... then it all came crashing down. I took E at least 50-75 times within a year, I then proceeded to get into Oxycontin, and did that A LOT... then moved onto Heroin which I did a good amount. I never shot it up, and never was a hardcore addict. And I decided to finally stop before it got out of hand and went on Suboxone over a year ago.
During the Suboxone time I still did do Opiates from time to time, I did coke binges a few times, I smoked weed and took Benzos in excess random days, sporadically. Then, through this whole time.. with how capable I am, how smart I know I am, how much of a competitive nature I have, how much of a perfectionist I am and hate losing.. I didn't go to a 4 year college like almost everyone else. I want to be there, I feel like I am not living up to my potential for that. I never learned responsibility, to work for anything, I have always been given everything. I am used to instant gratification. I notice how I was at my peak and I crashed into where I am now, and I am losing in my eyes, in life.
Everything I do, the process of things , even though they may be VERY BIG and VERY hard to do that I have done, such as quitting heroin, quitting drugs, quitting any drug I did on a DIME... I don't notice how big it was, I don't take it in and it is as if I just climbed a mountain, stayed at the peak of it for a second, noticed the next mountain and started going down the one I was at and onto the next one without appreciating how hard it was to get to the top of the last.
An example of this would be how I chose, myself, to get off of Suboxone 2 weeks ago. I told myself I will do it, and I did. I ordered Kratom and I haven't taken Suboxone once since 14days ago and I have been doing amazing with it. I also have been learning guitar furiously and improving immensely in the 4 months I have been playing, but I don't notice the process of everything.
Through-out all of this... all of the drugs, what they did to my brain and mood, one of my very good friends died in October 2012. I woke up to hear on the phone from my best friend, -name- died last night..... it was devastating. To hear someone so close to me had DIED, to experience DEATH already... while going through everything I have been. THEN a month later, my dog that I loved more than anyone outside of my family, more than anyone could possibly imagine, she was MY dog, a yellow lab, 11 years old. I loved her so much, she was with me through everything and always there for me and just typing makes my eyes water... she had to get her leg amputated from a cancerous tumor. She survived for 2 months, was able to swim in the pool (her favorite thing to do) before we had to close it... then one day I was in the bathroom, she had been breathing very heavily and her heart beating fast the past 2 days (the vet wouldn't be back till Wed. and it was Tues.) my parents scream my name, I run out and they are crying and she is on the floor.. not breathing and I run as fast as I can and start trying to give her CPR and look at her.. I hear one last heart beat and look in her eyes and tell her "Its okay Honey, I love you so much" and she was gone.... right in my arms, in front of my eyes. .....
I have come to terms in the best way possible with that situation, though I still can't think of it without crying. But those TWO deaths, one of them having to SEE a living thing go from life to death , it really fucked me up. It makes me think differently, or did. It made me think.. everything will die, my dad will, my best friends, my mom, and brothers. I will have to watch it all. THis right now.. what I see and do ... it just.. won't be here? And it is so hard for me to know that and just accept it and live it also.
So.... I really have no idea if I am actually DEPRESSED to the point where I would need "anti-depressants" , or if it is from everything in my past years. The years of being high, the crash of my life, the disappointment of myself, the lack of learning life skills, the many, many drugs I did in short time that my brain has not yet recovered from and I have not let it. The Depersonalization and my tension headaches. The after effects of not being on suboxone anymore, the deaths of 2 in 2 months. Basically all the drugs/alcohol effecting my thinking/mood and the events leading up to now.. I don't know whether those are fueled by depression or cause a temporary depression in which will go away as I learn and move forward... but it is very hard.
SOrry for the long post, but it all is necessary. It is impossible for me to take a "self-test" cause the questions have variables for me. I don't eat much cause Adderall makes me not eat. I can't sleep easy cause drugs made me sleep, etc.
Thank you for whoever does read this and responds.
