Am I bound to a lifelong addiction?

[Cerana]

Regular speed. Dextro. Not meth. I have been thinking a lot about it..

I have been in contact with an addiction centre and they say that getting as deeply depressed as I do when coming off is extremely uncommon, almost unheard of in cases of simple speed.

I get so depressed I get suicidal. If anyone contacts me I basically do what I can to ruin as much as I can of that relationship. And I am completely unable to control it.

Last year before I started with speed I was just fine, working full time and no depression for a year. Lowest dose SSRI. But I started because, as a person I need 12-14 hours of sleep per night to be able to stay awake at work and have my intellect as razor sharp as possible , so I had to start doing speed if I wanted music in my life as well.

So.. I've tried to stop quite a few times with various strategies, none working.

But guys.. I have no room to fail again! Our first single is released to much greater praise than we even dreamed so this shit is in roll now and I only have a week now that I can hide away but after that I can't for a foreseeable future.

What's even worse is my skin, my fuckin skin! My back is fucking ridden with 1cm diameter craters and I'm not wearing short sleeves no more because I have red bumps all over my arms. THIS is horrible.. I'm the fucking singer and frontman and I have to refuse every single girl... It is more hellish than anything...

So.. Last I tried to get clean with the help of benso for the first time; Sobril (oxascand) 5mg to cope with the severe depression. No tolerance at all there. 5mg didn't do shit. 2 hours later I took 20mg. Didn't do even the least bit to alleviate the anxiety and looming panic attacks. Tried 20mg next day to no effect at all...

No energy to even exit the bed those days... But totally unable to sleep.. I had Lergigan prescribed from my doctor to 'effectively remove your anxiety' but that's a fucking sugar pill.. It doesn't even mame me tired!! Neither does my Propavan. When I hadn't been able to sleep during the night (3 days after last speed intake of 30mg Metamina) I lost it.. I took 8 Lergigan, 8 Sobril, 9 Propavan and 2 Imovane.. If it didnt't get me asleep maybe I could at least be fortunate enough to stop breathing? It made me slightly foggy, yes, but again, didn't do crap against my anxiety.. Still sweating, trembling with panic in my chest, half crying while twisting in discomfort unable to lay still - exactly like before the medicaments.. And did I get any sleep that night? Nope, brain still haywire and the foggyness just made the thousands of paralell thoughts and notions no less painful and and heartwrenching. Just made it harder to make sense out of it.. Which just makes the pain worse..

So questions;

1) before the Metamina my uncle supplied me with free speed which he claimed to be 70% or so pure. But everyone says their shit is 100% so why would he say 70% o_o, but he met up with foreign people getting several kilos at a time. Slightly yellowish. Effect slowly coming on without me even noticing it really but 0,3g made me sweat more than I thought humanly possible and tremble like crazy. But the customers who injected said it was the best they ever had. I don't inject, I put it in paper and swallow.

I can't make sense of the above but it was after the free supply of that yellowish speed over two months that my skin went to hell. Trying to quit CT from that just.. Dissociated me for two days of complete apathy. No depression but utter nothingness. I found no reason to even go to the WC... THEN BAM.. Worst depression in my life day 3..

2) I went over to Metamina since I want to quit, so I figure better to go off something that you know what it is. 30-40mg daily. Less sweaty, skin still a bitch and I still smell disgusting even though I NEVER compromised on hygiene. Daily showers, facial peels and all of that, never slipping a day..

Been two weeks of dextro.. Where do I go from here? Taper even further and hopefully finding that 5mg a day keeps me afloat and then quitting is barely a handful? Is that possible?

3) why doesn't anti-anxiety meds work on me? I know Sobril is the mildest bens but.. With no tolerance 4 pills should do something no?

4) why won't Lergigan, Imovane and Stilnoct knock me out even if I empty the entire stock? Propavan I know take up to 2 hours to kick in but.. It doesn't? Why not?

5) Could it be of any relevance that my doctor put me on a daily 200mg Venlafaxin a month ago, an SNRI to help combat my lifelong extreme tiredness? Could it have any relevance to my bad skin even?

6) What do I do? It's not meth ffs.. Just a silly speed addiction.. Not even IV!

EDIT; I visited the hospital to detox buy I went home instead when they told me I wouldnt be able to listen to music or have my phone to pass time and they would avoid anti-anxiety medication at all costs.

 

[t0aster]

I don't know too much about this stuff, but I will try to help. First off, are you still taking the Venlafaxin? Combining an SNRI with amphetamine is really not a good idea. Especially not when you have not been prescribed them together. Could lead to serotonin syndrome and other nasty side effects depending on doses and how long it has been going on.

 

[Cerana]

I don't know too much about this stuff, but I will try to help. First off, are you still taking the Venlafaxin? Combining an SNRI with amphetamine is really not a good idea. Especially not when you have not been prescribed them together. Could lead to serotonin syndrome and other nasty side effects depending on doses and how long it has been going on.

Yes, taking the daily dosage of 200mg...

 

[caseface99]

I'll be honest, haven't read the entire post yet - However NO ONE is a "lifer" if they don't want to be. PERIOD. It doesn't matter what you were using, nor how much or how long. If you can't to get clean there IS a way to do it - no matter what. It might not be easy, but the reward of being able to live a more natural life is beyond comprehension until you experience it! So don't EVER let the size of a habit convince you getting clean isn't possible because NO MATTER WHAT IT IS POSSIBLE if you do whatever it takes and truly WANT to be clean and sober.

That being said, I'll read the post then edit this with more specific advice for you.

So questions;

1) before the Metamina my uncle supplied me with free speed which he claimed to be 70% or so pure. But everyone says their shit is 100% so why would he say 70% o_o, but he met up with foreign people getting several kilos at a time. Slightly yellowish. Effect slowly coming on without me even noticing it really but 0,3g made me sweat more than I thought humanly possible and tremble like crazy. But the customers who injected said it was the best they ever had. I don't inject, I put it in paper and swallow.
Why did he say 70, not 100? Maybe because he was being honest about it not being "100%" pure? (I know.. honesty..what a concept..) The fact is that anyone who tells your their drugs are 100% pure are LYING unless you can't do more than EXTREMELY small bumps without ODing, and even then it ISN"T EVER 100% no matter what - even professional labs have trouble making ANY substance 100%, no matter the substance, there will almost ALWAYS be a small percentage of impurity. And regardless this isn't the point so I wont spend any more time on it.

I can't make sense of the above but it was after the free supply of that yellowish speed over two months that my skin went to hell. Trying to quit CT from that just.. Dissociated me for two days of complete apathy. No depression but utter nothingness. I found no reason to even go to the WC... THEN BAM.. Worst depression in my life day 3..
Using speed makes your skin look like shit. Period. Even adderall will do it. I have a friend who takes their adderall as prescribed and still has marks from picking at their skin. Want good skin? Don't do speed..

2) I went over to Metamina since I want to quit, so I figure better to go off something that you know what it is. 30-40mg daily. Less sweaty, skin still a bitch and I still smell disgusting even though I NEVER compromised on hygiene. Daily showers, facial peels and all of that, never slipping a day..
Drugs made illicitly (especially speed) usually contain nasty chemicals. You sweat some of these out, and it makes you smell like shit. Don't wanna smell like shit? Don't do speed - especially not illicitly manufactured speed. You (probably) wouldn't smell so bad with a prescription stimulant, however it could take weeks for your body to filter out all the nasty crap from the dirty speed you were using.

Been two weeks of dextro.. Where do I go from here? Taper even further and hopefully finding that 5mg a day keeps me afloat and then quitting is barely a handful? Is that possible?
I rarely recommend tapering, however in your case it may actually be wise - Since you have the option of using specific doses of pharmaceutical quality, along with the terrible depression, I wouldn't wanna tell you to jump entirely right away and become suicidal. Do you have access to a weaker stimulant than DEX? Perhaps adderall, or even ritalin? The Latter won't have all the qualities you're looking for in a high - however would be MUCH safer for you to use right now, would minimize or extinguish many of the gross side effects you're experiencing, and be easier to jump - while keeping cravings and depression at bay.

3) why doesn't anti-anxiety meds work on me? I know Sobril is the mildest bens but.. With no tolerance 4 pills should do something no?
Not all anxiety meds work for everyone. That being said, I don't want to reccommend anything here other than learning natural ways of coping with anxiety. If you ABSOLUTELY NEED one, especially to cope with the anxiety of coming off of speed, talk to a doctor.

4) why won't Lergigan, Imovane and Stilnoct knock me out even if I empty the entire stock? Propavan I know take up to 2 hours to kick in but.. It doesn't? Why not?
I don't know anything about these substances, so no comment. I wouldn't want to give advice on something I know nothing about.

5) Could it be of any relevance that my doctor put me on a daily 200mg Venlafaxin a month ago, an SNRI to help combat my lifelong extreme tiredness? Could it have any relevance to my bad skin even?
I don't know about the bad skin, that's probably just the speed. But your doctor may have prescribed it because of speed withdrawal, and possibly you don't need it? You were using speed a month ago.. right?
6) What do I do? It's not meth ffs.. Just a silly speed addiction.. Not even IV!
Just a silly speed addiction? Speed in any form is a terrible, strong substance with many nasty side effects, crippling psychological addiction and difficulty stopping. So don't minimize this because you clearly have quite a serious addiction here. The good news is like I already said, You're not a lifer! You need to detox - and based on the psychological effects of depression and anxiety you need to do it i a detox facility/hospital! You can't risk being suicidal at home.. I would be immoral for me to suggest otherwise.
All this being said - TALK TO A DOCTOR AND BE HONEST. You need professional help. There's nothing on here anyone can say that will help you more than seeing a professional. So please consider this. I really truly wish you the best, and I commend you for recognizing addiction and wanting to be free of it!

EDIT; I visited the hospital to detox buy I went home instead when they told me I wouldnt be able to listen to music or have my phone to pass time and they would avoid anti-anxiety medication at all costs.
They are professionals and this is LIFE OR DEATH. You NEED to go strait back there and deal with it. I had to deal with a month of inpatient(no music, tv, etc.) to get over my addiction. Especially a detox facility.. It's a few days out of your life TO GET YOUR FUCKING LIFE BACK. I'm sorry I'm not trying to sound harsh but WTF man?PLEASE consider going back to detox.. It will save your life... Trust that they are professionals and know what they are doing.. It will suck for a few days but you will be SO happy when it's over!

I really do wish you the best! Please go back to the detox facility... I would hate to see this turn bad for you, with the crippling depression and all.. Keep us updated.

 

[itsALLfake]

It doesn't matter if it's meth. You're addicted to it. Trying to put a logical explanation into your addiction not being as bad as others or bad in general won't do you anything but delay a recovery process. I don't see a lot of your questions being answered here. Regardless BL is a drug forum, this is a recovery forum. Most members that are on their way to being clean or that are clean probably won't indulge in a drug discussion here. If you want answers to specific drug reactions, ODD is probably your best bet for those answers.

From what I gather from your post, you'll need a treatment facility. I'm sorry, but that's just what I gather from you. Your post isn't really a cry for help. It's more of, 'how can I do this with out noticing that I'm doing it?' If it wasn't a painful and difficult process, more drug addicts would be sober that want to be. Buckle down, listen, and just say okay to professionals that WILL ACTUALLY help you.

 

[thedawn]

re caseface99,great replies.I agree with most.

re OP,speed can make you especially delusional as well.
even psychotic.
nothing 'silly"about that.
and yes,if you ARE an addict ,it's for life.
but you need to be clean.
you must have an inkling since you're posting here.
peace.

 

[azgaza]

70% could in fact mean (close to) pure; chemically speaking, drug purities are never 100%; for amphetamine I believe max purity was 73%; because the drug is a salt and not a freebase form of it (the freebase being 100% pure but often a freebase substance isn't stable enough so a salt is formed of it, that's the case with many drugs; the % means how much of the mass is actual drug vs the salt; with speed its usually sulphate so amphetamine sulphate 73% means pure and then 73% stands for the amount of freebase speed within the molecule the rest of the weight being sulphate).

Apart from that; speed is pretty damaging to your system, as you noticed, so if you consider yourself bound to the addiction; be prepared that physically it will be a rough path with early aging Speed is very unhealthy.

 

[caseface99]

thedawn is right - being an addict is for life.

But not in the sense you will never get clean - just in the sense that you can never control your use. getting clean is very possible though.

 

[Corazon]

It sounds like the depression really hits you hard. You have to be willing to be fucking depressed for a week or two and then slowly struggle back to near baseline from there.

 

[gerry978]

I agree with most of what has been said. Coming off speed definitely impacts your depression. I'd suggest you do what you mostly don't want to do....don't be alone. Let someone know what's going on, someone you are close to and trust, let the person know that you likely might be nasty etc, but you really need them to stick around.