SquidInSunglasses
Bluelighter
Note: This is personal ranty stuff, and also I am high at the time of writing this.
So I am at a quandary, and part of the problem is that I don't actually care when I should.
Basically, as I have occasionally mentioned, I am rather depressed as a consequence of having the bad luck to be a tranny. I've tried a couple of the 'script antidepressants, they sucked for various reasons, I've been smoking weed daily, it helps some but not enough and especially it doesn't help on motivation, K left the occasional tastes of anti-depressant feel afterwards, and was decent while it was up but absolutely had no functional effect, but not anywhere near enough. And now I have been slowly taking speed more frequently.
Obviously this is the start of a nasty road, both in terms of straight-up addiction problems and it's a bloody neurotoxin, obviously that's a not a good long-term plan. On the other hand, it provides a state of functionality absolutely nothing else can, and it's like a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunlight after suffocating in a dark, musty room for years. And that's apart from the actual high effect of, y'know, being on speed. And I am fairly certain on that assessment, I know what actual high is like (feels pretty damn good, y'know?) and I while I am bumping against that, it's absolutely different from just being actually alright, and fully functioning mentally, and it's just incomparably fucking comfortable.
So, the quandary. The responsible position here is to give up that taste of freedom, go back to playing pharma company roulette after I roll at the end of the month, and maybe find something relatively safe that reaches that level. So far -1 for 2 on that game (counting fluox as a negative because it actively made me worse), so that's not exactly promising, and it'll be months before I even have a chance to see if I hit my numbers or just rolled snake eyes once more. Or, I could just declare "fuck it" and keep taking phet regularly.
And like I said above, I don't even really have more than a token resistance to accepting plan B. Maybe I'll take up playing pharma roulette again in the background, because it would be nice to have something more stable. Maybe not. Obviously, this would be harmful to me physically, and be risking brain damage. Plus it'd likely get expensive. However, the upside is, in my mind, abso-fucking-lutely worth whatever price I pay later. And besides, there's always the chance I get actual treatment for the underlying problems before too long, which would be nice.
There's no real conclusion, that's just my thoughts so far, and no real question, either. I know what the decision should be, I mean obviously "oh yeah you should get a speed addiction sounds a'right mate" is nothing anyone should be saying, especially on here, but it's just not worth it at this point.
So, lets count three two one to the end of the world, eat some rice paper and questionable powders, bottoms up and may as well enjoy the ride as long as it lasts before the fatigue eats through the frame and it all goes up in smoke, ash and lost dreams. Squid out.
So I am at a quandary, and part of the problem is that I don't actually care when I should.
Basically, as I have occasionally mentioned, I am rather depressed as a consequence of having the bad luck to be a tranny. I've tried a couple of the 'script antidepressants, they sucked for various reasons, I've been smoking weed daily, it helps some but not enough and especially it doesn't help on motivation, K left the occasional tastes of anti-depressant feel afterwards, and was decent while it was up but absolutely had no functional effect, but not anywhere near enough. And now I have been slowly taking speed more frequently.
Obviously this is the start of a nasty road, both in terms of straight-up addiction problems and it's a bloody neurotoxin, obviously that's a not a good long-term plan. On the other hand, it provides a state of functionality absolutely nothing else can, and it's like a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunlight after suffocating in a dark, musty room for years. And that's apart from the actual high effect of, y'know, being on speed. And I am fairly certain on that assessment, I know what actual high is like (feels pretty damn good, y'know?) and I while I am bumping against that, it's absolutely different from just being actually alright, and fully functioning mentally, and it's just incomparably fucking comfortable.
So, the quandary. The responsible position here is to give up that taste of freedom, go back to playing pharma company roulette after I roll at the end of the month, and maybe find something relatively safe that reaches that level. So far -1 for 2 on that game (counting fluox as a negative because it actively made me worse), so that's not exactly promising, and it'll be months before I even have a chance to see if I hit my numbers or just rolled snake eyes once more. Or, I could just declare "fuck it" and keep taking phet regularly.
And like I said above, I don't even really have more than a token resistance to accepting plan B. Maybe I'll take up playing pharma roulette again in the background, because it would be nice to have something more stable. Maybe not. Obviously, this would be harmful to me physically, and be risking brain damage. Plus it'd likely get expensive. However, the upside is, in my mind, abso-fucking-lutely worth whatever price I pay later. And besides, there's always the chance I get actual treatment for the underlying problems before too long, which would be nice.
There's no real conclusion, that's just my thoughts so far, and no real question, either. I know what the decision should be, I mean obviously "oh yeah you should get a speed addiction sounds a'right mate" is nothing anyone should be saying, especially on here, but it's just not worth it at this point.
So, lets count three two one to the end of the world, eat some rice paper and questionable powders, bottoms up and may as well enjoy the ride as long as it lasts before the fatigue eats through the frame and it all goes up in smoke, ash and lost dreams. Squid out.
