Hi!
I'm new here so quick introduce first. I'm 30ish western male now living in Asia. Started doing drugs when I was 15 years old, first just some cannabis now and then followed by first "real" drug when I was 16 years old. IV very good amphetamine and I was totally in love. I consider myself very strong minded and I really haven't had any (big) problems because of drugs. I only used speed IV few times and thought that it is too good and if I continue I might not be able to handle it. After that I have been using it of and on all my life. But my off's have been really long, longest time without any drug was 4 years and usually after I have used it for a while I just decide to forget it without any plans to take a break for certain period of time or anything like that. Never really thought that I stop it completely and will never do it again. Also, when I did it, I usually didn't let myself go too far with it, even though I really love to binge and kind of lose it in the end.
Longest streaks of using (not daily, but so that it has been center of my life) have been around 1 month. That kind of streaks I've had only 3 in my life. Usually if I did it after long break, I didn't start to use it all the time, but rationalized that it's better/okay to do few times now and then just stop it again, compared to using it just a little bit all the time. And that has worked quite well. I don't have to feel guilty/sad/depressed after each time I've used it because I know its okay and I have given myself permission to do that. And then I only have to bear the sadness and emptiness one time, when I decide it's time to stop.
I have done also coke, MDPV, MDMA but what I love the most is speed/meth. Never really liked any kind of downers and don't have ever used those to help me get passed comedown of my uppers. Actually don't even smoke weed for that, I guess that I somewhat unconsciously want to punish myself and help me remember the downsides. Also I usually enjoy comedowns, at least if I've had a long break I don't usually feel bad in any point. After 1 month usage, comedowns and my thoughts change and there's really not much to enjoy.
So what is my problem?
Now when I moved to Asia, I didn't have any plans or interest to do drugs. Laws are very strict here and if they even catch you having little bit of meth with you, you can get executed. (That never happens, but what I heard, it's in the law. Point is, you don't want to mess with the drugs here.) Then, accidentally, I bump to a guy who had some yaba (meth+caffeine) and I was like, yeah, why not? That was now about 6 weeks ago. After that, I have been doing a lot of yaba and some extacy. Longest time sober was 4 days and I felt quite bad all that time. Back in home I have just snorted or eaten everything (after my teens) but now I tried here first time how does it feel to smoke it. Instantly I realized that the euphoria that it gives was close to what shooting it gave me and didn't really know if I should do it again or would it be too much to handle.
I just binged 3 days, this being first day sober and already yesterday evening I was chatting with two different persons about my little bit confusing (and maybe worrying) thoughts about life. But those friends are not really into deep conversations or drugs, so didn't really get much out from them. I have been always deep thinker and talker, I'm quite smart having IQ over 150. Logical thinking has always been my strength and I love to analyze myself to understand why I do what I do, and there's usually quite logical explanations to what kind of stupid shit we ever do. But now I'm not sure.
I have been thinking about usual norms that we have in our life's. Good education, work, family etc. On a side note, I recently broke up with my girlfriend who I was with many years (also have been in relationships almost my whole life). I've been seeing those norms and ideals quite right things to do and dream about. I've dreamed about having lovely wive, few kids, good job, good house and just perfectly normal, good life. But lately (and I mean also before coming here and doing shitload of meth) I've noticed that almost whatever I get, does not make me happy. I might want something and when I get it, it doesn't give me the satisfactory I was hoping to get. In a relationships there's almost always been some kind of problems and if there's not, I'll feel sad and start thinking if I should break up with this girl. So, I don't really seem to know what I want. But don't get me wrong, I'm quite happy guy and usually know how to look things from the right perspective.
I've been trying to figure out what it is I want, if it's not the normal happy family fantasy. I don't really love my job (I run my own company), it doesn't make me feel anything special. I don't really have any other things I really love and get excited than partying and people (while partying mostly). Then there's things I like to do, but those are not nearly enough to feel that I live my life to the fullest and could be happy with my life. I guess that there's always been the feeling that something is missing. And when I look back, that feeling was there also when I didn't do drugs or party that much for 4 years. Is that normal? To feel all the time that something is missing?
Now I have been thinking, that would it be that doing drugs, partying and girls/people is the 'right' thing for me to do? Or what this about. Thing is, I'm starting to get old. Not that young anymore and just continuing same way as last 10 years feels kind of stupid. I feel that I should start making some kind of decisions because staying in the middle is not making me happy. Should I just force myself to stop drinking, partying, doing drugs and getting the girls fall in love with me - which have been probably the most fun things I have done in my life, but which still leaves me unhappy long term. Stop all those things and try to find that joy from balanced family life, having kids and those kind of normal stuff. Could this be possible, even now when I think of it (and many times before) it sounds incredibly boring and unbearable for long period of time. Somehow it sounds so safe and nice, that I think that I really would love to be able be happy with that kind of life, but at the same time when being honest to myself, I don't think I would be able to be happy. But I would love to. I hope it makes sense. One solution for this would be "Fake it till you make it", but I'm decent person and don't think it's right thing to do to someone else. Act like you are happy and if it doesn't work just leave her.
Other decision would be just accepting who and what I am. I'm not capable of long lasting balanced relationship, I need my emotional fixes by falling in love again and again which I'm not sure if it's possible with 1 person. I'm not capable of enjoying my life without some kind of intoxicants, world just doesn't offer me enough, when I'm sober, feelings and emotions that I get just don't make it after you have experienced those earth shuttering moments what drugs offers to you. Finding your true love (many times
). Being 100% confident. Being 100% happy. Being there were you have always wanted to be. After that, it's not that easy to find long walks that interesting. So would it be best solution, that one that makes me even most happy (not sure if humans really can find true happiness)?
I'm not sure what kind of person I am. I don't know if I did too strong drugs when I was too young and that messed up (or saved me from boring life) my head for the rest of my life so I can't really find joy from any things I do. Well, I find, but because of those great feelings that I have from doing drugs, my emotional scale, and by emotional scale I mean that when we born, every new thing that happens, feeling you experience is on the top of the scale, feels like the biggest thing ever and it's easy to feel how wonderful and miraculous the world is - how I miss those times. When you get older and experience more, you rarely if ever live those moments that tops the previous moments and that is f***ing sad. Even when people tell how their wedding day was the best day of their lifes or things like that, I'm quite sure that they just lie. You can't really top of the first big feelings, that is just how human brains works. So, my emotional scale is already maxed out, I just don't feel that those normally enjoyable things are anything special. Even if you don't do any drugs in your life, your emotional scale is still probably maxed out when you are in 30's / 40's, since you have experienced almost every feeling that we humans have. It's really hard to get bigger feeling than your first love or first anything. Of course it'll probably feel really good again, but not as good as it was first time. And that is how something is always missing. I think normal people just accepts that and fakes it, lies to themselves, ignores or rationalize that life just isn't that good. That is something I don't want to do.
Not sure how well I explained myself, but just wanted to rant about this a little bit. Also would love to hear your thoughts about these issues. How to relate to these thoughts? Would my brain chemistry ever return to normal if I just stop doing every intoxicant? But my emotional scale would still be maxed out? Or would it return to lower levels also? What is the meaning of life? What should I do? How should I live? Is it wrong to do drugs?
And huge thanks if there was anyone who continued reading this far!
I'm new here so quick introduce first. I'm 30ish western male now living in Asia. Started doing drugs when I was 15 years old, first just some cannabis now and then followed by first "real" drug when I was 16 years old. IV very good amphetamine and I was totally in love. I consider myself very strong minded and I really haven't had any (big) problems because of drugs. I only used speed IV few times and thought that it is too good and if I continue I might not be able to handle it. After that I have been using it of and on all my life. But my off's have been really long, longest time without any drug was 4 years and usually after I have used it for a while I just decide to forget it without any plans to take a break for certain period of time or anything like that. Never really thought that I stop it completely and will never do it again. Also, when I did it, I usually didn't let myself go too far with it, even though I really love to binge and kind of lose it in the end.
Longest streaks of using (not daily, but so that it has been center of my life) have been around 1 month. That kind of streaks I've had only 3 in my life. Usually if I did it after long break, I didn't start to use it all the time, but rationalized that it's better/okay to do few times now and then just stop it again, compared to using it just a little bit all the time. And that has worked quite well. I don't have to feel guilty/sad/depressed after each time I've used it because I know its okay and I have given myself permission to do that. And then I only have to bear the sadness and emptiness one time, when I decide it's time to stop.
I have done also coke, MDPV, MDMA but what I love the most is speed/meth. Never really liked any kind of downers and don't have ever used those to help me get passed comedown of my uppers. Actually don't even smoke weed for that, I guess that I somewhat unconsciously want to punish myself and help me remember the downsides. Also I usually enjoy comedowns, at least if I've had a long break I don't usually feel bad in any point. After 1 month usage, comedowns and my thoughts change and there's really not much to enjoy.
So what is my problem?
Now when I moved to Asia, I didn't have any plans or interest to do drugs. Laws are very strict here and if they even catch you having little bit of meth with you, you can get executed. (That never happens, but what I heard, it's in the law. Point is, you don't want to mess with the drugs here.) Then, accidentally, I bump to a guy who had some yaba (meth+caffeine) and I was like, yeah, why not? That was now about 6 weeks ago. After that, I have been doing a lot of yaba and some extacy. Longest time sober was 4 days and I felt quite bad all that time. Back in home I have just snorted or eaten everything (after my teens) but now I tried here first time how does it feel to smoke it. Instantly I realized that the euphoria that it gives was close to what shooting it gave me and didn't really know if I should do it again or would it be too much to handle.
I just binged 3 days, this being first day sober and already yesterday evening I was chatting with two different persons about my little bit confusing (and maybe worrying) thoughts about life. But those friends are not really into deep conversations or drugs, so didn't really get much out from them. I have been always deep thinker and talker, I'm quite smart having IQ over 150. Logical thinking has always been my strength and I love to analyze myself to understand why I do what I do, and there's usually quite logical explanations to what kind of stupid shit we ever do. But now I'm not sure.
I have been thinking about usual norms that we have in our life's. Good education, work, family etc. On a side note, I recently broke up with my girlfriend who I was with many years (also have been in relationships almost my whole life). I've been seeing those norms and ideals quite right things to do and dream about. I've dreamed about having lovely wive, few kids, good job, good house and just perfectly normal, good life. But lately (and I mean also before coming here and doing shitload of meth) I've noticed that almost whatever I get, does not make me happy. I might want something and when I get it, it doesn't give me the satisfactory I was hoping to get. In a relationships there's almost always been some kind of problems and if there's not, I'll feel sad and start thinking if I should break up with this girl. So, I don't really seem to know what I want. But don't get me wrong, I'm quite happy guy and usually know how to look things from the right perspective.
I've been trying to figure out what it is I want, if it's not the normal happy family fantasy. I don't really love my job (I run my own company), it doesn't make me feel anything special. I don't really have any other things I really love and get excited than partying and people (while partying mostly). Then there's things I like to do, but those are not nearly enough to feel that I live my life to the fullest and could be happy with my life. I guess that there's always been the feeling that something is missing. And when I look back, that feeling was there also when I didn't do drugs or party that much for 4 years. Is that normal? To feel all the time that something is missing?
Now I have been thinking, that would it be that doing drugs, partying and girls/people is the 'right' thing for me to do? Or what this about. Thing is, I'm starting to get old. Not that young anymore and just continuing same way as last 10 years feels kind of stupid. I feel that I should start making some kind of decisions because staying in the middle is not making me happy. Should I just force myself to stop drinking, partying, doing drugs and getting the girls fall in love with me - which have been probably the most fun things I have done in my life, but which still leaves me unhappy long term. Stop all those things and try to find that joy from balanced family life, having kids and those kind of normal stuff. Could this be possible, even now when I think of it (and many times before) it sounds incredibly boring and unbearable for long period of time. Somehow it sounds so safe and nice, that I think that I really would love to be able be happy with that kind of life, but at the same time when being honest to myself, I don't think I would be able to be happy. But I would love to. I hope it makes sense. One solution for this would be "Fake it till you make it", but I'm decent person and don't think it's right thing to do to someone else. Act like you are happy and if it doesn't work just leave her.
Other decision would be just accepting who and what I am. I'm not capable of long lasting balanced relationship, I need my emotional fixes by falling in love again and again which I'm not sure if it's possible with 1 person. I'm not capable of enjoying my life without some kind of intoxicants, world just doesn't offer me enough, when I'm sober, feelings and emotions that I get just don't make it after you have experienced those earth shuttering moments what drugs offers to you. Finding your true love (many times
). Being 100% confident. Being 100% happy. Being there were you have always wanted to be. After that, it's not that easy to find long walks that interesting. So would it be best solution, that one that makes me even most happy (not sure if humans really can find true happiness)?I'm not sure what kind of person I am. I don't know if I did too strong drugs when I was too young and that messed up (or saved me from boring life) my head for the rest of my life so I can't really find joy from any things I do. Well, I find, but because of those great feelings that I have from doing drugs, my emotional scale, and by emotional scale I mean that when we born, every new thing that happens, feeling you experience is on the top of the scale, feels like the biggest thing ever and it's easy to feel how wonderful and miraculous the world is - how I miss those times. When you get older and experience more, you rarely if ever live those moments that tops the previous moments and that is f***ing sad. Even when people tell how their wedding day was the best day of their lifes or things like that, I'm quite sure that they just lie. You can't really top of the first big feelings, that is just how human brains works. So, my emotional scale is already maxed out, I just don't feel that those normally enjoyable things are anything special. Even if you don't do any drugs in your life, your emotional scale is still probably maxed out when you are in 30's / 40's, since you have experienced almost every feeling that we humans have. It's really hard to get bigger feeling than your first love or first anything. Of course it'll probably feel really good again, but not as good as it was first time. And that is how something is always missing. I think normal people just accepts that and fakes it, lies to themselves, ignores or rationalize that life just isn't that good. That is something I don't want to do.
Not sure how well I explained myself, but just wanted to rant about this a little bit. Also would love to hear your thoughts about these issues. How to relate to these thoughts? Would my brain chemistry ever return to normal if I just stop doing every intoxicant? But my emotional scale would still be maxed out? Or would it return to lower levels also? What is the meaning of life? What should I do? How should I live? Is it wrong to do drugs?
And huge thanks if there was anyone who continued reading this far!
