Fuck, Captain. That is heavy. I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm sure you've been told the same thing before, but the burden of your friends choices aren't yours to carry. I've had similar feelings. Like, I could have stopped it. Like, "if I'd been around, he never would have put the gun in his mouth." And I know words from friends, family, and therapists do nothing, let alone words from a stranger. And to be perfectly honest, my best friend has been dead for almost ten years and I still feel that way, and I truly think I only started grieving in the last year...
Benzos are a weird thing... Not like opiates at all. As far as the withdrawl and cravings go, anyway (FOR ME). I've no cravings for benzos, I don't want them ever again.
With opiates on the other hand... I haven't shot dope in over 6 years, but there will always be something in the back of my mind that tells me being a street junkie is a much easier life than working a job and maintaining a home, family, etc.
That is most of the reason why I'm so ashamed by all this. I know drugs, and yet I still let myself fall face first into Xanax. My close friends and family know, but I can't bring myself to tell the person/people that I want to be closer to...
Thought maybe I'd mention that I'm also on Bupropion, an NDRI. Literally, the only antidepressant that's had even a remotely positive impact on me.
Now, before this turns into a cry fest... Here's to my third day on 7.5mg. like I've mentioned before, I seem to be hit much harder by the emotional impact than by the physical