Hello everyone. I’m writing looking for some support, I suppose. I feel so alone. I’ve been using opiates regularly for probably 8 or 9 years. Like everyone else, it started out recreationally (only weekends, then weekends and some evenings and of course eventually moved to every day). No one in my life knows and I’ve been continually blowing through any savings we may have had buying pills. A few months back I got my hands on some subs and initially started using them just as filler for a few days when I ran out early in the month (which I always did). I guessed on dosage, etc- but, recently I used them for 2 weeks straight & generally I felt really good. Yesterday, I gave in and started back on the pills (I was worried if I said no to my supplier that I’d lose the choice to go back on pills if I wanted to). But now I have so much anxiety and guilt about everything I think I may finally be at a place where I may be ready to ditch the pills altogether and move on to actual Dr assisted treatment... but I’m really scared. I’m scared to stop the pills, I’m scared to start MAT (getting set up with a dr and all that), I’m scared to have to come clean about all of this at some point. I guess it would just be really great to have some people to talk to about this as being alone in it has really been messing with my anxiety lately. Anyhow, thanks for listening & any support/thoughts/suggestions are welcome & appreciated.
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Lost Alone & anxious- moving on from oxy
- Thread starter ODLOTH
- Start date
Hi @ODLOTH, welcome to The Dark Side, I wish we were greeting you under happier circumstances but hopefully we can work together to get you to a happier place soon 
Firstly, good on you for admitting to yourself that what you're doing is problematic and that you can't keep going on like this, and that you need to change. That is HUGE. And you've already done the next step, which is opening yourself up to the idea of getting professional help. So, you are well on the way to getting clean. You've got the right mindset, now you need to start with the practical side of things.
How old are you? Are you married? Do you live with your partner, or your parents, do you have kids? What's your living situation?
Do you have a regular doctor you go to, who you are comfortable talking to about this? Have you looked in to it much?
It is absolutely, perfectly natural to feel anxious and scared at this very vulnerable point in your addiction. I have been there myself with several different substances, so I truly understand what you're going through. And there are MANY many others on here who are the same. So we are here for you on this journey mate
Firstly, good on you for admitting to yourself that what you're doing is problematic and that you can't keep going on like this, and that you need to change. That is HUGE. And you've already done the next step, which is opening yourself up to the idea of getting professional help. So, you are well on the way to getting clean. You've got the right mindset, now you need to start with the practical side of things.
How old are you? Are you married? Do you live with your partner, or your parents, do you have kids? What's your living situation?
Do you have a regular doctor you go to, who you are comfortable talking to about this? Have you looked in to it much?
It is absolutely, perfectly natural to feel anxious and scared at this very vulnerable point in your addiction. I have been there myself with several different substances, so I truly understand what you're going through. And there are MANY many others on here who are the same. So we are here for you on this journey mate
Thanks so much for your reply- it feels so good to know that someone out there cares & can understand.Hi @ODLOTH, welcome to The Dark Side, I wish we were greeting you under happier circumstances but hopefully we can work together to get you to a happier place soon
Firstly, good on you for admitting to yourself that what you're doing is problematic and that you can't keep going on like this, and that you need to change. That is HUGE. And you've already done the next step, which is opening yourself up to the idea of getting professional help. So, you are well on the way to getting clean. You've got the right mindset, now you need to start with the practical side of things.
How old are you? Are you married? Do you live with your partner, or your parents, do you have kids? What's your living situation?
Do you have a regular doctor you go to, who you are comfortable talking to about this? Have you looked in to it much?
It is absolutely, perfectly natural to feel anxious and scared at this very vulnerable point in your addiction. I have been there myself with several different substances, so I truly understand what you're going through. And there are MANY many others on here who are the same. So we are here for you on this journey mate
I am in my early 40’s, married with 2 kids and a great job. I do not have a regular doctor that I go see- nor have I looked into formal MAT much. Logically, I know I’m just one of many people who have battled this demon- but damn if it doesn’t feel just so overwhelming. It’s the middle of the night where I am right now and I’m up pacing the house because my anxiety is so out of control. It feels like I’ve got to make this decision right now- or else. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s the middle of the night, I don’t have to make any decisions right now- but, I can’t stop it. Every bad thing I’ve done & every decision I have in front of me is just standing there….staring at me. And I have to fix it NOW.
Ugh. This stuff really messes with you brain.
thanks again for the reply & for your beautiful response- had me in tears the entire time I read it.
Youre so very welcome. You've definitely come to the right place
It is really overwhelming at this point huh. I remember the first time I called up a detox centre just to enquire about the process of booking in, and it was all so overwhelming and scary that I was crying so much I couldn't even get any words out and had to hang up the phone
But I knew it was what I had to do, so I pulled myself together and tried again, and got myself booked in to detox.
I'm sure you've figured this already but your anxiety and general mood will get SO much better and things won't be as daunting when you are clean off the pills and you don't have to be living a lie any more. I absolutely promise you.
You probably already have, but perhaps think about who you're going to tell about this. If you think anyone is going to have a prejudice issue with it, just tell the people that HAVE to know e.g. your spouse, kids, maybe parents, siblings, best friend, those kind of people. Again, I'm sure you've already thought of a million ways of HOW you're going to tell them, and perhaps have plans A, B and C for ways they might react to being told about it. For example, you might feel huge relief and even elation telling your spouse about it and finally getting it off your chest!! But they might be angry, sad, disappointed, hurt, any number of emotions. They might want some space for a few days after you tell them, and they're entitled to their feelings just as much as you are
Depending on your work situation, if/when you go in to an inpatient detox or do an at-home detox you may need to organise time off work so you can get clean. Your boss and colleagues DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY YOU'RE HAVING TIME OFF, PERIOD.
Let us know how you're getting on okay?
It is really overwhelming at this point huh. I remember the first time I called up a detox centre just to enquire about the process of booking in, and it was all so overwhelming and scary that I was crying so much I couldn't even get any words out and had to hang up the phone
But I knew it was what I had to do, so I pulled myself together and tried again, and got myself booked in to detox. I'm sure you've figured this already but your anxiety and general mood will get SO much better and things won't be as daunting when you are clean off the pills and you don't have to be living a lie any more. I absolutely promise you.
You probably already have, but perhaps think about who you're going to tell about this. If you think anyone is going to have a prejudice issue with it, just tell the people that HAVE to know e.g. your spouse, kids, maybe parents, siblings, best friend, those kind of people. Again, I'm sure you've already thought of a million ways of HOW you're going to tell them, and perhaps have plans A, B and C for ways they might react to being told about it. For example, you might feel huge relief and even elation telling your spouse about it and finally getting it off your chest!! But they might be angry, sad, disappointed, hurt, any number of emotions. They might want some space for a few days after you tell them, and they're entitled to their feelings just as much as you are
Depending on your work situation, if/when you go in to an inpatient detox or do an at-home detox you may need to organise time off work so you can get clean. Your boss and colleagues DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY YOU'RE HAVING TIME OFF, PERIOD.
Let us know how you're getting on okay?
It’s the telling people part that has me all jumbled up. I can’t imagine doing it. I just can’t. That part really has me stuck.
May I ask what you’ve gotten clean from & how you were able to do so? Hearing stories of how others were able to get through this has been so helpful. This forum is great!
May I ask what you’ve gotten clean from & how you were able to do so? Hearing stories of how others were able to get through this has been so helpful. This forum is great!
My main demon has always been alcohol. Alcoholism runs in both sides of my family, plus I had environmental factors e.g. being bullied in school, hanging out with older crowds, started drinking at a young age, etc.
I remember when I sat my parents down and told them that I have a bad drinking problem, they weren't overly surprised to be honest, but I remember my mum said "Out of all our kids, you were probably the one we least suspected would have a drinking problem." Uhh.....thanks?? I guess?? I dunno?
Anyway, for some reason, telling them about my slew of other mental illness problems and other addictions was much harder. I was addicted to MDMA for almost a decade (they say it's not addictive...but it is). I also LOVE benzodiazepines e.g. valium, xanax, klonopin etc, and have been addicted to them several times because well, they are extremely addictive. But I was addicted to opiate pain pills for many years, mainly codeine because it was over-the-counter and cheap, but whenever I got anything stronger it was like christmas morning. I had to go in to treatment for it several times. Explaining that to my straight-edge, conservative parents was difficult because they just didn't understand. ("So you take pain relief medication, and you get some kind of high off it, and now you can't stop?? I don't understand." ughh *facepalm*). Thankfully my siblings are all doctors and are generally very cool people, so they all understood and helped my parents understand the severity of my situation.
Over the last 10 years I've been to numerous 21-day detox centres, rehabs, hospital detoxes (usually 5 days), even a few psych ward stays (NOT PLEASANT! DO NOT WANT!), more times than I can count altogether. Each time I learned a little bit more and a little bit more about why I wanted to and needed to get clean and sober, and why I needed to STAY clean and sober. Each time I relapsed it just got worse and worse, but I just kept taking myself back to detoxes and rehabs, until one day (after my most recent stay, obviously) it all just clicked in my brain, It finally all came together and stuck, and I've been sober ever since
I remember when I sat my parents down and told them that I have a bad drinking problem, they weren't overly surprised to be honest, but I remember my mum said "Out of all our kids, you were probably the one we least suspected would have a drinking problem." Uhh.....thanks?? I guess?? I dunno?
Anyway, for some reason, telling them about my slew of other mental illness problems and other addictions was much harder. I was addicted to MDMA for almost a decade (they say it's not addictive...but it is). I also LOVE benzodiazepines e.g. valium, xanax, klonopin etc, and have been addicted to them several times because well, they are extremely addictive. But I was addicted to opiate pain pills for many years, mainly codeine because it was over-the-counter and cheap, but whenever I got anything stronger it was like christmas morning. I had to go in to treatment for it several times. Explaining that to my straight-edge, conservative parents was difficult because they just didn't understand. ("So you take pain relief medication, and you get some kind of high off it, and now you can't stop?? I don't understand." ughh *facepalm*). Thankfully my siblings are all doctors and are generally very cool people, so they all understood and helped my parents understand the severity of my situation.
Over the last 10 years I've been to numerous 21-day detox centres, rehabs, hospital detoxes (usually 5 days), even a few psych ward stays (NOT PLEASANT! DO NOT WANT!), more times than I can count altogether. Each time I learned a little bit more and a little bit more about why I wanted to and needed to get clean and sober, and why I needed to STAY clean and sober. Each time I relapsed it just got worse and worse, but I just kept taking myself back to detoxes and rehabs, until one day (after my most recent stay, obviously) it all just clicked in my brain, It finally all came together and stuck, and I've been sober ever since
Thank you, I really appreciate that mate
How are you doing today? Any further thoughts on who and how you're going to talk to about it??
thotsnprayers
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2021
- Messages
- 7
Hey there, I did 9 months in a MAT program last year - you’ll do very well I’m sure of it. Please don’t be scared! 
Bupe is terrific to get rid of any cravings. I did the induction off from oxycodone and it went very well. Oxy has a relatively short half life, you won’t suffer much at all. It’s a bit of trial and error at first with regards to your dosage, as with any medication and with a little patience you’ll soon be on your Goldilocks dose.
the clinic I went to was virtual, I had to go to two group sessions a week and from time to time I had an individual session with my assigned therapist. After 6 months I was allowed to swap one of the group meetings for a solo meeting with my therapist, which I preferred because I really liked her and was making good headway.
ok so how did I find this clinic. Well I called the Employee assistance hotline for my company and told them I had to wean off the oxy and I had no one to help me do that, and I cried and stuff. So they definitely wanted to help, gave me a list of treatment programs to choose from, it was easy. Another alternative was an outpatient program at a hospital, but the virtual clinic ended up working very well with my work schedule. My husband and my PCP knew I was on this program because I told them, but honestly it was so easy to integrate the Zoom meetings in the course of my work day I could have done it all without anyone knowing.
another alternative would be a online clinic such as bupe.me I think they only do the MAT part, they don’t have therapy (this may be wrong as I received second-hand info) I would recommend doing the group therapy if possible, it helped me a lot and gave me more confidence in myself and happiness while I was in the program. The clinic was in my insurance network and the copay came to $20 per group or individual therapy session.
Anyway I’ll be rooting for you to get into a good MAT clinic! If you ever need to talk about this stuff and your options, I’ll be here for you ok
Bupe is terrific to get rid of any cravings. I did the induction off from oxycodone and it went very well. Oxy has a relatively short half life, you won’t suffer much at all. It’s a bit of trial and error at first with regards to your dosage, as with any medication and with a little patience you’ll soon be on your Goldilocks dose. the clinic I went to was virtual, I had to go to two group sessions a week and from time to time I had an individual session with my assigned therapist. After 6 months I was allowed to swap one of the group meetings for a solo meeting with my therapist, which I preferred because I really liked her and was making good headway.
ok so how did I find this clinic. Well I called the Employee assistance hotline for my company and told them I had to wean off the oxy and I had no one to help me do that, and I cried and stuff. So they definitely wanted to help, gave me a list of treatment programs to choose from, it was easy. Another alternative was an outpatient program at a hospital, but the virtual clinic ended up working very well with my work schedule. My husband and my PCP knew I was on this program because I told them, but honestly it was so easy to integrate the Zoom meetings in the course of my work day I could have done it all without anyone knowing.
another alternative would be a online clinic such as bupe.me I think they only do the MAT part, they don’t have therapy (this may be wrong as I received second-hand info) I would recommend doing the group therapy if possible, it helped me a lot and gave me more confidence in myself and happiness while I was in the program. The clinic was in my insurance network and the copay came to $20 per group or individual therapy session.
Anyway I’ll be rooting for you to get into a good MAT clinic! If you ever need to talk about this stuff and your options, I’ll be here for you ok
@thotsnprayers (I lol'd a little at the username by the way ) thank you so much for sharing that. That is hugely helpful info, especially for these days where virtual clinics are much more of a thing.
Which country are you in?? Was the virtual clinic free, or subsidised, or did you have to pay out-of-pocket?
) thank you so much for sharing that. That is hugely helpful info, especially for these days where virtual clinics are much more of a thing. Which country are you in?? Was the virtual clinic free, or subsidised, or did you have to pay out-of-pocket?
thotsnprayers
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2021
- Messages
- 7
Hi there@thotsnprayers (I lol'd a little at the username by the way
Which country are you in?? Was the virtual clinic free, or subsidised, or did you have to pay out-of-pocket?
I’m in the US! California. The virtual clinic was in-network with my health insurance, so I only paid the $20 co-pay out of pocket for the required group therapy and the first Dr. visit to get my subs script. Often times the Dr. was in group therapy with us just to check in and make sure everyone was okay, and he’d send in everyone’s refills in to their pharmacies at that time so there was no need for a separate appointment, they made it very convenient. I remember that the virtual clinic I used also had a sliding scale for those who didn’t have insurance, but I don’t have the details since I was using my health insurance for my subs and the group therapy.Also we had monthly pee tests to make sure we were only on subs - how does that work in a virtual setting, I’m sure you’re asking!!
well I would get a sealed package in the mail with a pee test cup in it that had a bunch of strips that looked like pregnancy tests - they would instantly indicate if I had taken a variety of drugs, including subs. I would Zoom with one of the counselors and open the sealed package in front of them; they would wait until you went to the bathroom and peed in the cup, then you would come back and show the test cup in front of your camera and they would take pictures of the results. I also took pics on my end just to have evidence in case I got accused of any shenanigans, but that never happened haha I was good 
so as you moved forward with the program and kept good attendance with group therapy, and had clean piss tests, they would start giving you more and more strips at a time with every refill (like a whole months’ worth of strips, instead of refilling once a week) which was nice because I hated picking up subs at the pharmacy if you know what I mean. If you skipped any group therapy sessions then they put you on a shorter leash to make sure you attended (like only filling in a weeks’ worth of strips) I liked the group therapy though, it was nice to have someone who knew what was going on and was concerned with your wellbeing, I felt less alone on my journey. Also their virtual clinic was open and staffed 24/7, there was always someone there if you needed to talk or anything.I’m glad I could help! Let me know if you have any other questions, I’m here for you - just PM me if you want to know the name of the virtual clinic I went to - I’m hesitant to disclose publicly as I don’t want to dox myself
but I’m happy to share with you privately, I know they were offering free virtual group therapy sessions for people to try them out and also for those who had lost their in-person support groups during the pandemic (I’m not sure if that’s still the case with things opening back up, but it may be).Take care!!
LMAO I just realized I answered you, and not the OP
yikes. Brain fart. I hope they see this message as well!!
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Thanks so much for the reply. I finally told my husband. He’s been gracious and kind. I’m not sure if that makes it harder?Hi there
Also we had monthly pee tests to make sure we were only on subs - how does that work in a virtual setting, I’m sure you’re asking!!
I’m glad I could help! Let me know if you have any other questions, I’m here for you - just PM me if you want to know the name of the virtual clinic I went to - I’m hesitant to disclose publicly as I don’t want to dox myself
Take care!!
LMAO I just realized I answered you, and not the OP
if you’d be open to talk I think I might like that? I’m not sure where to start.
That is SO so good to hear!! I'm relieved for you. May I ask, why would that make it harder? Do you feel like you deserve this to be harder on you?
thotsnprayers
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2021
- Messages
- 7
Hi there, of course I’m more than happy to talk about it! Anytime
. I know so much what you’re going through right now, and how hard it is. I’m glad you were able to talk to your hubby, I believe it makes the whole journey that much easier when you have a supportive spouse on your side.When I initially went through induction I was given too high of a starter suboxone dose - and I had a bad reaction to it (extreme nausea and vomiting to the point of dehydration) my husband watched over me, fed me spoonfuls of water/Gatorade until I could keep it down, and helped me get over the worst of it until I could talk to the addiction medicine Dr and get things sorted out as I didn’t understand what was happening. The thing was, I had managed to wean myself down from the oxy a lot on my own by using Gabapentin and cutting up pills into little pieces, but at one point I completely hit a wall and couldn’t go down anymore that’s when I called the Employee assistance hotline to get into a virtual MAT program. The pandemic has given rise to an explosion of virtual MAT clinics, especially with the loosened prescribing restrictions.
What I didn’t realize at my induction was that the dose of suboxone i was given was a higher equivalent of what I was consuming in oxy; usually this doesn’t bother patients too much but in my personal case I had a rare bad reaction. The Dr was so apologetic, but once I was on a good dose for me it was very much smooth sailing!!
I felt really good on the subs, much more awake and participating in life. That’s why I mentioned it may take some tweaking to get to your correct dose and the vast majority of ppl don’t get sick, I’m the weirdo that did 
but anyway I appreciated having my husband’s help back then. Once I was on my good dose it wasn’t even a factor in our lives anymore; he knew my group meeting schedule and had it in his calendar as well so he knew not to disturb me in the home office at that time. They have meeting schedules during the day and in the evening, I chose a time slot on my lunch hour, very convenient.I guess I yhadn’t thought about it that way- but the way you worded your question makes me see that, yes- I guess I do feel like that’s what I deserve. I think it’s all the lying and secrecy.
The reason I asked is because I have 100% felt that about my own addictions.
Like, "Here I am back in detox again, this is gonna suck, and I deserve it because I fucked up again"
However first of all you are sooooo so lucky that your husband cares about you enough to be kind about you opening up and being honest to him. Secondly, that way of thinking "I deserve to be punished" is not going to help you at all. There is a lot of guilt and shame that come with lying and being secretive, especially to your significant other. I totally get that. But during this detox process, and staying clean, something that is going to help you SO fucking much is you being kind to yourself. It's gonna make all of this so much easier
You don't deserve for anything to be hard, you deserve to be happy, you deserve a good life, and you deserve to be loved by others AND by yourself Oh wow. That sounds scary. I am extremely grateful to have my husband’s support and another amazing friend who is actually a therapist. She was really pushing for me to do to detox and then either in patient or intensive outpatient but I need to work so I can’t see how to make that happen. Also- I am absolutely terrified of detox. The MAT seems doable to me as I did really great for 2 weeks. I think I was missing all the support I need to make that actually stick—& it was all still in secret. Plus, I didn’t have a dr prescribing. This time around I want all that.I have a couple calls today to hopefully get something set upHi there, of course I’m more than happy to talk about it! Anytime
When I initially went through induction I was given too high of a starter suboxone dose - and I had a bad reaction to it (extreme nausea and vomiting to the point of dehydration) my husband watched over me, fed me spoonfuls of water/Gatorade until I could keep it down, and helped me get over the worst of it until I could talk to the addiction medicine Dr and get things sorted out as I didn’t understand what was happening. The thing was, I had managed to wean myself down from the oxy a lot on my own by using Gabapentin and cutting up pills into little pieces, but at one point I completely hit a wall and couldn’t go down anymore that’s when I called the Employee assistance hotline to get into a virtual MAT program. The pandemic has given rise to an explosion of virtual MAT clinics, especially with the loosened prescribing restrictions.
What I didn’t realize at my induction was that the dose of suboxone i was given was a higher equivalent of what I was consuming in oxy; usually this doesn’t bother patients too much but in my personal case I had a rare bad reaction. The Dr was so apologetic, but once I was on a good dose for me it was very much smooth sailing!!
So are you still on the subs and going to the counseling sessions, etc? I feel like there’s so much judgement out there around the MAT that I’m second guessing everything. I woke up this morning wishing that I could undo these last few days and just go back to the way it was. I can tell that I will be really needy and feel very fragile— things I am NOT good at feeling.
I just really
Thank you so very much. Your words mean so much. I hope that I can let that sink in.The reason I asked is because I have 100% felt that about my own addictions.
Like, "Here I am back in detox again, this is gonna suck, and I deserve it because I fucked up again"
However first of all you are sooooo so lucky that your husband cares about you enough to be kind about you opening up and being honest to him. Secondly, that way of thinking "I deserve to be punished" is not going to help you at all. There is a lot of guilt and shame that come with lying and being secretive, especially to your significant other. I totally get that. But during this detox process, and staying clean, something that is going to help you SO fucking much is you being kind to yourself. It's gonna make all of this so much easier
Opi_Kid_Rock
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2018
- Messages
- 933
I hope you feel less anxious about this very new and frightening situation as well as less anxious in general; I’m cheering for you. I wanted to share with you that there is nothing to be ashamed about when first reaching out for help. Your anxiety is a very real mental condition of suffering. It’s not your fault for having gotten addicted. Many people self-medicate their mental conditions. I used opiates (T3s, Percs, Oxys, and finally fent) to self-medicate for my severe depression and I thought it was working so well much to my later regret. My recovery from opiate-addiction was rather straightforward. I got on a Suboxone plan and was lucky to experience smooth sailing. My point is, everyone’s path of recovery will be different and your path may be more straightforward than you would think or it might not be, but as long as you have the right attitude of staying on the right path things should work out in the end. I don’t mean to sound arrogant if this somehow comes across that way. I was just hoping that you’re not blaming yourself in any way. I’m writing to cheer for you more than anything.