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all the hassle

DoctorShop

Discord Sr. Moderator
Joined
Nov 1, 2005
Messages
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couch
Look man, I don't know these people very well, I've only met the bloke who lives here once, when I was at Dougs house.

Yeah ok.

I'm only saying. I give him him a look hoping I look apologetic. I don't know these people very well ok? So I don't know what it's going to be like inside...

Well how long are we gonna be here then.

Hopefully he has it but I dont know man fuck...

I just dont wanna hang round..

I dont like hanging around these fucking loopers either man.

So they are loopers?! Jay lowers his head, rocking it back and forth as he laughs then looks at me, all serious. You always end up making me meet these fucking junkie pieces of shit who have been up fuck knows how long and can never find their gear and you have to listen to them go on and on... man I wanna do that in my time with people I like and not dumb cunts like the ones we're probably going to meet now!

I've met him. He's not that bad. It's not his place anyway. He lives with his brother and girlfriend.

Oh for fucks sake.

I light a cigarette. Well, we're here now.

We pull into a duplex where the second house is located at the back of the property. A typical Homeswest housing project. Jay starts protesting that he wants to stay in the car (You're the one picking up...). I tell him if he wants me to get him anything he's coming in as well.

We head to the door and the main wooden door is open and the screen hasn't been shut properly. I knock and I see someone poke their head round the corner. At first I think its Sheb and he's shaved. I realise it must be his brother though, whose name I think is Steve. He looks older and is skinnier. Probably younger then he looks. A look of anticipation falls from his face and it turns into a scowl. Yeah?

Ahh yeah bro is Shebby in? He said it was cool to...

Oh. Yeahyeah no worries comein. We come in and he sits back down again in a chair opposite the door, lights a cigarette, breathing smoke through his nose and scowling. I know the look: the wanting and waiting.

We stand at the doorway uneasily not knowing what to do. I look around for an ashtray and cant see one. I look at Steve and hold my cigarette up and he hands me an ashtray. I take a few more drags and put it out. I look at Jay and I know he knows its not happening yet. The whole thing just makes me feel queasy and I pick at my nails nervously. I hand Steve the ashtray and feel something rub against the top of my head. I look up and see pieces of string hung from various hooks around the walls of the room. It looks like a messy spider web that had been interrupted from its early beginnings.

A woman walks in. Well really a teenager from the looks of her. Sixteen? Who knows. She's on though. She practically runs in the room barely looking at us and dumps a basket full of washing on the floor and is on her way back out when Steve looks up and shouts Told you not to put that up in here.

She turns round and shouts back It's gonna fucking rain cunt! Oi, listen, I was listenin to the radio just then and they said tomorrow it's gonna rain and..

Steve jumps up and opens the curtains and the sun is suddenly directly in our eyes. By this time Jay and I had made our way to a couch opposite Steve. Jay was pretending to be reading texts and I just tried to relax. I was worried that I hadn't seen Sheb yet. I couldn't ask yet though...

DOES IT LOOK LIKE ITS GONNA RAIN YOU FUCKING DUMB SLUT?! And with that he sits down, lights another cigarette, looks back down at the carpet scowling and smoking. I think I would have been as well. A lot of mates go on about young chicks. Young, hot and other ideas that are said in quieter voices like you're talking about some kind of conspiracy. When really you just sound like a pederast. I felt sorry for Steve. Shacking up with with a chick like he had would be fun for a few days, but full time? Full time bullshit.

A Nokia ring tone goes off and Steve jumps out of the chair, phone flying to his ear like a cowboy pulling his gun from a holster. All I catch is him saying Yeah? as he walks out of the room. As soon as he leaves the room Steves girlfriend starts putting the wet washing up. He didnt hear the news... he didnt hear them say that it was gonna rain tomorrow, thats why I'm puting it up in here. He never listens to... And it goes on and on and I don't think I've ever seen someone put washing up so quickly. Throwing it over the line, clipping the pegs on. Reach down, up, over and over. Until its all up. She sits down and lights a cigarette, still talking. We just nod and smile at her. I came back the other night from my mothers house cause she called me a whore and threw a fuckin ashtray at me... What a mad, sad girl this is I'm thinking. Then again, I've been on a friends couch the past month for probably the same reasons as this girl.

I hear someone coming through and its Sheb. He looks at Jay and I and smiles then looks round the room and laughs, clapping his hands and shaking his head. Karla, Steve is gonna go apeSHIT when he sees this. He sits down next to us and lights a cig. And on cue, Steve walks in. It doesn't look like he has good news and it looks like he's about to say something when he sees the washing and his mouth snaps shut and he looks over at Karla. I told you, not to hang that fucking shit up in here. I don't know if you can fully express hate, but I think Steve came close when he said that to Karla. She looks back at him defiantly, but her hand is shaking slightly and she ashes on the carpet. I. Can do. What I want. Cunt.

And with that Steve just lost it, ripping the washing of the lines, pegs flying everywhere and the lines Karla strung up falling to the ground. Clothes Steve hadn't managed to rip off had fallen onto the carpet, which was filthy. When everything was on the ground, Steve picks it all up, dumps it back in the washing basket. Pegs, string, the whole lot. I think I saw a few butts stuck to some of the clothes that had fallen into an ashtray on the ground. Steve then picks it up and throws it at Karla. She puts her arms up and screams. The basket bounces off her and falls to the ground. Steve grabs hold of her shoulder and lifts her up from the chair. She drops her cigarette and is crying now, tears running down her face yet her eyes tell me this is routine and almost put on. Steve picks up the washing and shoves it in her arms. Go do it again and next time hang it up outside!

Just as Karla is about to leave the room we hear tyres screech outside. Steve runs to the door and looks out the door. He looks at Sheb, Jay and I, panic in his eyes. RUN THROUGH! He yells.

I pull my wallet from my pocket and quickly shove it under the cushion of the couch, Jay does the same and we run out of the lounge following Sheb, Steve and Karla. I look behind me as we are heading down the hall to the kitchen and I see an aborigine fling the door open. He's followed by two whites and two more aborigines. Karla is trying to open the back door when they all literally slam into us. I get punched in the stomach and thrown to the ground. One of the aborigines leans down and grabs my shirt and asks where the gear is. Not my house man... And then my head smacks onto the lino floor as he breaks my nose. I feel him go through my jeans and grab my smokes and lighter. I turn my head to the side. Through all the shuffling feet...

....weird dancing....

... I see Steve on the ground, one of the whites is on top of him, punching him straight on in the face yelling over and over WHERESTHEGEARCUNTWHERESTHEGEARWHERESTHEGEARCUNTWHERESTHEGEARWHERESTHEGEARWHERESTHEGEARCUNT. He goes too hard though, and Steve is unconcious. Cunt the white guy spits and runs outside where the action has moved to. I hear Karla screaming and Sheb yelling in a voice that sounds thick and slow NOTHIN HERE MAN NOTHIN. I see Jay poke his head round from around an entryway and our eyes lock. I get up and head towards the lounge room, nearly falling after I trip over the washing basket. I grab my wallet and Jays from the couch and run out the door following Jay. Luckily we're parked further down and our access hasn't been blocked by the car those mad fuckers arrived in.

I throw my keys to Jay. I cant drive like this. He nods quickly, like his head is quivering and opens the car. We jump in and we're out of the duplex and soon on a main road. I wipe my nose on my shirt and adjust the rear view mirror to look at my face. My nose is definitely broken and bruises are forming under my eyes.

I hold the shirt to my nose and blow it. It stops bleeding quicker then I thought it and I light a cigarette.

We drive in silence for awhile. I look at Jay and he smirks, but I can see he is still shaken up. At least he doesn't have a broken nose.

Well, that was fucked man. What do you wanna do?

I see that we're getting close to Myles Street. Lets get a stick. Jay laughs and indicates right. What if they're dry? Never any green round this time.

I look at Jay totally deadpan and say If thats the case Jay, then we have no option but to go back and see Sheb.

He makes a noise in his throat and bursts out laughing. You are madder then those cunts that just ran though.

You love it. I take a drag on my cigarette and watch houses go by like slow motion. You love it.
 
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It's a bit difficult to read without punctuation, but I like the story. Much of the imagery is sweet. I only wish you had been more consistant with what you've chose to "paint".
Most of your story is action focused, that is it goes: this happens, then this happens and then this happens. It reads a bit like a film script.
At times it comes off as dream like in quality. The actions of the couple are a bit trippy. As is their home.
My main annoyance (aside the lack of punctuation) is that you leave the protagonists motives too hidden. Like, for instance, to me there was no reason to hide their wallets. Well, it wasn't clear enough that there was something wrong.

The story and drama is good. I wanted to know what was going to happen. I just wished it were written in a way as to be a little more accessable.
 
Thank you very much for the feedback.

In regards to the punctuation, I was trying something different to see how well it would flow. From what you've said it doesn't work very well. So I don't think I will continue with that.

Will take on board everything else that was said as well. Again, thank you.
 
The punctuation this isn't a total failure. There were brief moments where it was working. I think those were the ones where the content is completely in the first person perspective.

Heck, the "greatest novel of the modern age" is infuriatingly written without punctuation. Give James Joyces Ulysses a try. :D
 
I like the tension that permeates the whole piece, like the whole time you're just waiting for some colossal violent outburst, and I like that when it does happen, it's just treated as pretty much an everyday thing..

I did have to get used to the punctuation thing, but I didn't have an issue with it by the end; I felt that it sort of added to the overall character of it...
 
I like the story. It could of been in my hometown (North Carolina, USA) until I saw the "aborigines" and I guess you must be an Aussie.

Add some punctuation and it will read easier. I hate sad endings. They should score big at the end somehow.

All in All I enjoyed it.

Will
 
I agree with Impacto that the punctuation works sometimes, but not others. Not so much here: "Cunt the white guy spits and runs outside where the action has moved to."

But I do like it a lot overall. I like this line: "A Nokia ring tone goes off and Steve jumps out of the chair, phone flying to his ear like a cowboy pulling his gun from a holster."
 
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm hearing mixed things about the whole punctuation issue. So maybe instead of getting rid of it entirely, perhaps just refine it?

And snowbear, about the ending. I was going to write a somewhat happy ending, but in the end I decided this was... I don't know... more realistic? The uncertainty of chasing drugs... that kind of thing.

Again, I thank everyone who read through this. It really does mean a lot to me.

edit: up all night, please delete some of your private messages so I can send you one :)
 
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