Alcoholism Thread V. ti martwonies

[Mariposa]

I have basically been drinking every day for at least a month. And I only drink hard liquor, with a horrendous tolerance and cross-tolerance. I am very afraid.

Jammy, I'm sorry I didn't see this the last couple times I scanned this thread. I have given the matter some thought, and I'd like to ask:

1. How many alcohol units do you drink per day?
2. What type of alcohol do you drink?
3. Do you free pour or measure with a shot glass or similar?
4. Do you drink when you are alone?
5. Do you drink in the morning?

All of these are behavioral indicators. I'm worried about you - please know that I'm here for you by PM or whatever other means if you need to talk.

The biggest question: do you want to quit, or continue, drinking?

 

[dragonslayer428]

36, redleader

 

[Jackal]

With the exception of a 12 week hiatus this spring/summer I have averaged 70-90 units a week, evenly distributed, since fuck knows when.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I am really fucking struggling
I am so depressed, and I've relapsed hard. I feel like shit and I look even worse. I was doing pretty well the last couple of months, with small relapses here and there. But this week has been close to unbearable. Last night I was suicidal, and I haven't entertained those thoughts for a very long time. Poor Mick is so worried about me, he doesn't want to leave me alone for a second, when all I want to do is be alone.
I'm feeling a bit better this morning, I went for a hard cycle, got some serious endorphins pumping, and I've had a shitload of caffeine. My anti-depressant combination, endorphins and caffeine. It's not quite cutting it though, today.
I feel like there's nothing I do that turns out right, while everyone I know continues to succeed. I always mess it up, and if I don't mess it up, my body gives in and messes it up for me. My job sucks, and is a large contributing factor to my depression, but I can't get out of it. I thought going back to University would be a nice way for me to do something for me, for my own sense of self-satisfaction. But now my family knows, they're all over it like a rash, and it's now all about doing it to live up to their expectations. I don't even want to do it anymore, but I have to now.
I just want to drink until I don't wake up.

 

[Spurs_1882]

^ Seriously I think you'd be great as a counsellor, and I think it would be rewarding for you as well. I'm thinking of going into that sort of area myself actually. If you really felt that you wanted to do this then the chances are that deep down you still want to do it, only that now it's all got confused with pressure, expectations etc from your family. I have issues with that sort of thing myself sometimes so can empathise to an extent. I'm sorry you've been feeling so down, I'm confident you can pull through this though and start to get your life going in the direction that you want it to go in. Sending positive vibes your way, take care and be careful.

 

[Ds]

sorry rosie ur going through so much shit, i'm right here with you, whats this you had a relapse? thats just life, rough shit. glad you made it back though, lots of us are pullen for ya .


Someone had me run them to the local 7-11 to buy them some ciggs so I taxed them a 99cent steel reserve beer. I was trusted with their card, and their PIN number. I feel somewhat happy that people trust a fuckup with that information. They must have "lifelock" to give a white boy that wears hats backwards, and wears black.
I feel like that I try so hard to stand up and show my family that I'm not the family fuck up.
Look at my brothers and Sisters. They are all in Medicine, and Engineering schools at fancy colleges across the south east. Look at me, just another guy.

I can remember one time when I went to Boot Camp for 6 months, my friends moms kept asking my mom where I was and she would just tell them that I was joined the Marines, so I came back 9 months later with tattoo's all over my body, and wearing black cloths, and every time when I shook someones hand I thought it was a gangbang hand shake.
Sorry momma that I'm such a fuck up, you coulda used a fucking condom.

 

[SA]

I am really fucking struggling
I am so depressed, and I've relapsed hard. I feel like shit and I look even worse. I was doing pretty well the last couple of months, with small relapses here and there. But this week has been close to unbearable. Last night I was suicidal, and I haven't entertained those thoughts for a very long time. Poor Mick is so worried about me, he doesn't want to leave me alone for a second, when all I want to do is be alone.
I'm feeling a bit better this morning, I went for a hard cycle, got some serious endorphins pumping, and I've had a shitload of caffeine. My anti-depressant combination, endorphins and caffeine. It's not quite cutting it though, today.
I feel like there's nothing I do that turns out right, while everyone I know continues to succeed. I always mess it up, and if I don't mess it up, my body gives in and messes it up for me. My job sucks, and is a large contributing factor to my depression, but I can't get out of it. I thought going back to University would be a nice way for me to do something for me, for my own sense of self-satisfaction. But now my family knows, they're all over it like a rash, and it's now all about doing it to live up to their expectations. I don't even want to do it anymore, but I have to now.
I just want to drink until I don't wake up.

I feel your pain, n3ophy7e. I really do. It pours out of your text in a way which I recognise and remember.

Look, as I wrote a minute ago in another post, "if you're going through hell, keep on going. Eventually, you'll pass through". In the mean time, I would seriously look into cutting back on the coffee and replace that with more natural liquids - water, fresh squeezed juices. Also, if you're going to kick alcohol to the curb, help your body along the way, immediately. L-glutamine to help the body with the cravings, milk-thistle to help repair the liver, fish oil and cod liver oil.

I believe I saw you post about a weight issue as well. Even though you posted that you had drastically cut down on your alcohol intake, it could still be a lingering cumulative effect, especially if you still binge on the weekends. Alcohol arrests your body's natural fat burning processes, so it's the first place I would have looked into an explanation (I'm wide-eyed surprised no one else did). Only once off alcohol for a period of time, would I begin to consider other possible causes. If you're still binging at least once a week (and here you have to be honest with yourself), I wouldn't even waste my time looking into other causes. Especially not into serious ones like hypothyroidism. That's all wee need is you going off some thyroid regimen and meanwhile all you needed was less alky and coffee and more fresh squeezed carrot juice. Take care of yourself. Appreciate yourself, please. Even (and especially) if no one else does.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thanks so much for your support guys, I really need it

(and here you have to be honest with yourself)

This, I'm beginning to realise, is the main problem. It would seem that I've refined the art of tricking myself and justifying my alcohol consumption to myself, I've lost sight of what's really going on with my drinking.
Perhaps limiting drinking to the weekends isn't good enough. Perhaps the only answer is complete and utter abstinence.

And that scares the fuck outta me

 

[SA]

Perhaps limiting drinking to the weekends isn't good enough. Perhaps the only answer is complete and utter abstinence.

And that scares the fuck outta me

It is a scary prospect right now, when your mind and body have been on the stuff for so long, that they cannot imagine life without it. Complete abstinence is the only true way to make your body and mid believe otherwise. Every week that you stay off it, your body will realise more and more how ridiculously easy life is without alcohol. What you will also realise is that the cleaner and healthier you keep your body, the easier and faster it will be for you to recover from indulging in almost anything in the future, should that need arise. It's like Brita filter - the newer it is, the better it filters out toxins. The cleaner you keep your body, the better it will too. It's really that simple.

As for the scary aspect, I could tell you to seek comfort and support from your loved ones. If they're there for you, no matter what, that's great! Your main support must come from yourself, though. It's all *you*. Realisation (understanding) --> support (plan, method) --> realisation (fulfillment).

 

[ocean]

Thanks so much for your support guys, I really need it



This, I'm beginning to realise, is the main problem.
It would seem that I've refined the art of tricking myself and justifying my alcohol consumption to myself, I've lost sight of what's really going on with my drinking.
Perhaps limiting drinking to the weekends isn't good enough. Perhaps the only answer is complete and utter abstinence.

And that scares the fuck outta me

This is not at all uncommon N3o.......
People fool themselves all the time- And for you in this situation it is easy to see why you have....you are in a family of functioning alcoholics. That is the hardest type of addict to reach b/c they think- 'if I go to work, if I am still responsible, what's the problem?'
And you grew up in that and live in that now as an adult.......
If saying never again is too much for you- say none for now and as time goes on you may find it easier to say, no more......
Keep you head up and listen to SA.....thats some great advice and motivation.

 

[Jamshyd]

Jammy, I'm sorry I didn't see this the last couple times I scanned this thread. I have given the matter some thought, and I'd like to ask:

1. How many alcohol units do you drink per day?
2. What type of alcohol do you drink?
3. Do you free pour or measure with a shot glass or similar?
4. Do you drink when you are alone?
5. Do you drink in the morning?

All of these are behavioral indicators. I'm worried about you - please know that I'm here for you by PM or whatever other means if you need to talk.

The biggest question: do you want to quit, or continue, drinking?

Love you, Jillie

Yeah Alcohol is not my forte. I give others HR info on other drugs, but alcohol always seemed like a non-issue for myself.

Answers

- Not sure, but at leasy 10 shots / day, spread out.
- Mostly brandy, but also Tequila.
- Almost always using a shot glass. But sometimes I do the bottle thing.
- Almost always when alone, yes.
- Only in the last week. I almost never did that even during my last binge.

I don't want to abstain completely. I just want to go back to being able to enjoy a glass of wine...

The funny thing is that I'm pretty sure I know EXACTLY what I do this. It's because I have quit all other drugs, and alcohol is the most accessible buzz at the moment.

^Oh no.....whats up Jamshyd?


I'm happy to see you posting in TDS- though it isn't for the best reasons, I love reading your posts...... I find you to be refreshing and passionate.....I like that.

You're too sweet

 

[Pharcyde]

Pharcyde, you know better than that in here No fighting, no throwing sand, no weapons...

I'm at ~40 hours. I did not have a problem sticking to the 3 beers last night and went to sleep early. I may revise my taper to be a little longer; I think I wanted near-instant gratification. I'll be ready for OcSober as it's my first day of school.

How is everyone doing today?

Shisha pocket sand

Yeah im at like 3 days of no booze and working out.

feels sore man

 

[Ds]

Got another bottle today, will the insanity ever stop?
I feel like now I'm drinking to cover up the reculations of my past. I don't drink to have fun anymore, just to cover up all those painfull memories.
It's going to kill me someday, but for now I don't really care.
People are starting to talk around me, people my aka friends are telling me that I'm starting to have a drinking problem.
Last night I told them that I don't give a fuck what they think about me. As much as I'm afraid to admit that I have a problem I don't like to.
When this bottle is empty I will really learn to face my problems, since this is my budget bottle, when this one is empty it's over (i hope).

 

[drug_mentor]

Got pretty fucking wasted last night on valium, casked wine and whisky. Got a pounding fucking headache now, how I hate the toxic shit I feel compelled to consume.

I gotta say I am not down for Ocsober, I dare say I wont spend a single day of it sober let alone the whole month.

 

[Mariposa]

I don't want to abstain completely. I just want to go back to being able to enjoy a glass of wine...

The funny thing is that I'm pretty sure I know EXACTLY what I do this. It's because I have quit all other drugs, and alcohol is the most accessible buzz at the moment.

I have not quit everything, only that which is the problem. I don't do anything illegal at present - that's my test.

I have accepted that I can't drink alcohol as many people can. It makes me sick when I think about the fact that I'm not like others when it comes to alcohol, and it makes me want to (metaphorically) self-flagellate for my lack of discipline. But I can't stop when I need to stop, and I need to stop. I grow angry and frustrated when I examine this. I have a lot of self control and am perfectionistic in general. How many others feel that way (perfectionistic)?

Jammy - can you stop at 1-2 glasses of wine? I reckon at present you cannot. An initial period of abstinence seems to be recognized as necessary by all the respected experts in the field. Hence, OcSober for me.

Jammy, it concerns me greatly as your friend that you are binging on BRANDY and TEQUILA. Are you a masochist? From an HR perspective, a slow, informal taper would be one fewer unit per day until you are down to one per day.

Do you drink brandy and tequila together, in the same session?

I have to cut this off now. I'm getting snarky and pins and needles and I just need to drink some white tea and go to bed. The psychological w/d is what is getting me this time. I hate it and I want to drink. The way I feel right now is why I cannot keep it in the house.

D's - if people judge you for having a problem, that says more about them than it does about you. I'm sure that some people that dislike me want to laugh in my face that I'm a problem drinker. I care about that sometimes. But overall I know that I'd rather be labeled a lush than be what they are. If this is a struggle for your life, you need to learn to let it roll off like water from a duck's back. Hang in there, buddy - from what I know of you, you're a good guy with an addiction. Lose the addiction and a lot of drama will disappear. Trust me on that if nothing else.

What is helping me right now? Teas of all sorts (I'm embarrassed how much I have spent on tea, once again), smelly B vitamins, and having an extremely hard head. The last seems to be the key. I'm hitting the sack now - big comfy bed and long novel and solitude. I have 6 more days off before school starts so I'm going to spend it... not partying. PMS is not helping, but I have talked to another woman alcoholic about it, and she gave me some coping skills. Tomorrow I'll spend in the sauna I think for a couple hours.

I drop down to 2 beers tomorrow evening. 8)

Night night, fellow lushes. Stay strong

 

[Cyc]

I'm trying to imagine myself tapering with booze, and I just can't. The biggest trigger for me to drink alcohol is... drinking alcohol! If you have the liquor on hand to pour yourself a unit, chances are you have that, and the bottle it came in. Am I right? I imagine it would take a cast-iron will to put that lid back on.

This is why valium is a godsend when I'm at the tail end of a weekend bender. It combats physical withdrawal symptoms, and it means I don't have to keep drinks in the house. It's also fairly low on the addiction scale, as far as benzos go. I don't want it to seem like I'm criticizing anyone's quitting strategy, I just wonder if anyone has tried this method, and what they feel the advantages/disadvantages are.

 

[RedLeader]

^ I have a hard time as well. The first few days of a trigger always fail for me, since they are still enough to give me a decent buzz. And that buzz is strong enough to send me to the liquor store. So no, I prefer CT over alcohol tapers, as long as I know I am not in serious danger of doing such.

I am different about holding onto alcohol, though. I tend to drink more when I buy on a daily basis. If I am well-stocked, I can be at ease, knowing that it's there, and I could always get more. In any situation, I could have it. So why not wait and try and stay sober a few days? It's there for me if I fail.

Be careful taking the valium too close to your alcohol dosing. I'm guessing you know these dangers.

You can do this, though. Any thoughts on joining us for Octsober?

 

[lady grey]

I am really fucking struggling
I am so depressed, and I've relapsed hard. I feel like shit and I look even worse. I was doing pretty well the last couple of months, with small relapses here and there. But this week has been close to unbearable. Last night I was suicidal, and I haven't entertained those thoughts for a very long time. Poor Mick is so worried about me, he doesn't want to leave me alone for a second, when all I want to do is be alone.
I'm feeling a bit better this morning, I went for a hard cycle, got some serious endorphins pumping, and I've had a shitload of caffeine. My anti-depressant combination, endorphins and caffeine. It's not quite cutting it though, today.
I feel like there's nothing I do that turns out right, while everyone I know continues to succeed. I always mess it up, and if I don't mess it up, my body gives in and messes it up for me. My job sucks, and is a large contributing factor to my depression, but I can't get out of it. I thought going back to University would be a nice way for me to do something for me, for my own sense of self-satisfaction. But now my family knows, they're all over it like a rash, and it's now all about doing it to live up to their expectations. I don't even want to do it anymore, but I have to now.
I just want to drink until I don't wake up.

I can relate to a lot of this, i have been there to many times.

I don't think you know how much you give meaning to peoples lives just by being YOU though. Whether it's online or in real life. I wish you could see yourself through other peoples eyes when you feel like this. There is such genuine beauty, compassion, love and light coming out of you constantly.

I very much understand your yearn to have a career and go to university. But do you ever sometimes find yourself in a moment where you can sit and be happy with how much you have still gained in spite of not having what you want (yet)? In a world where it often feels like everyone has. Man i hold on to those moments like nothing else because they get me through the pain of what sometimes feels like constant yearning. Find something, no matter how little that is completely yours. Mine is my writing, it's shit but it's mine, no one can critisize it or even praise it and it keeps me, me i guess. Especially when i really need to know that. (i hope that makes sense, and if it does it can help you)

Just curious, is there a big drinking culture where you are? In Melbourne (anywhere is aus probably!) there is a MASSIVE social culture of drinking, i would basically have to move out of my house and stop seeing most of my friends if i was to go completely sober. I may as well just move state! I think i am coming to a point where this may be my only option and it's a scary thing.

How you doing tonight babe?

I'm geering up to try and responsibly drink for grand final day tomorrow

 

[cosmic charlie]

Was thinking about going on Librium for a week or so

My drinking is getting out of hand once more. I totally blacked out yesterday morning and said all kinds of crazy shit. I feel really shitty today , my stomach feels all kinds of messed up. I told myself i wasnt gonna drink hard liquor but when I was drunk i did anyway.

And now im paying for it

 

[lady grey]

^ I always say that to until i'm wasted and half glass of vodka half glass juice (if it's around) seems like the best idea ever.. Until i wake up and it feels like i'm lifting my body out of cement to go to work. Hope you were being looked after when you blacked out cosmic charlie It's one of the scariest aspects of drinking for me.