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Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 6.0

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I'm so sad that you have come to this conclusion.

"I don't want to die because of alcohol". You may not die down purely to alcohol, but your health is bound to start to be affected. You also mentioned that you had diabetes too - drinking on top of that dude cannot be good.

You also stated previously that your home life was suffering. If you keep going the way you are, it will only get worse. I know. My parents kicked me out.

I can't make you give it up. I can't make anyone give it up, much as I'd like to be able to. You say it's easier to follow this destructive cycle? Buckle up, because it is going to be one hell of a rocky ride where things just keep getting worse.

They say people need to hit their true rock bottom to make them see sense and really try. I guess you need to hit yours.

Good luck man. <3

Every time I hit rock bottom something always makes me go back....The worst rock bottom was after I lost money gambling and tried to commit suicide, once was a failed attempt the other almost happened.
 
Is it normal to be tired all the time? I don't sleep much but I have little energy or (so it seems) motivation to actually DO anything :(
 
Hey Crampz, Yep the lethargy once you give up is understandable - I was dog tired. I think it is because you have been punishing your body for so long that it just needs to rest. You'll soon be able to get yourself into a nice routine. I found exercise (swimming) really, really helped. There is nothing better than being totally knackered at bedtime, and sleeping for real - not some alcohol induced coma!

Eve - congratulations! Not many people are able to identify that they are close to having a problem, then pulling themselves back from the brink! I certainly wished when I was 19/20 and drinking every single night of the week that I was close to a major problem - it would have stopped a heck of a lot of shit that followed. :) <3
 
Two days since had a drink. Wasn't really addicted but was heading that way. Could easily drink 2-3 bottles of wine or a whole of vodka, gin, baardi with cola in one night. Not as much as some but am giving up before it heads to addiction.


Sounds like a very wise decision, good for you!! Alcohol is really insidious like that, it gradually sneaks up on you, so you are awesome for realising where this could lead!
 
Sorry nuttynut - I totally missed this post! (And sorry guys for double posting!) This has kind of happened to me a long time ago. The longer we have been drinking, (in terms of years) the worse the withdrawals get when we stop. So how many benders have you been on before? I had been on quite a few, sometimes lasting two weeks, and the older I became, when I quit - wow my body didn't like that. I would shake, vomit, blow hot and cold, headaches, body aches etc. This didn't happen to me when I was 21 or 22 and drank for the same length of time - this was happening at 26. The anxiety - well, that was the worst. Panic attacks, feeling like I was going to die. Euuggghhhh it was horrible.

So, I ended up going to my doctor - to see what it was. It turned out to be severe alcohol withdrawal. He gave me some pills to help me through the worst of it.

I totally recommend first nuttynut that you too go to your doctor to get checked out. They can do all sorts to check that your organs are ok. Then maybe look at cutting down your alcohol intake. These episodes are only going to get worse as you get older.

Take care. <3

Yeah, I read something interesting that said that the more withdrawals you go through the worse they become, for lack of a better explanation. I never experienced shakes that bad and the hot flashes before. Really did think I was either getting the flu or that I had done some sort of damage. Strange thing is i never puke. As to how many benders I've been on in my entire life, I have no idea but I'm sure it's plenty. I would binge drink as a teenager but outgrew that and went quite a while just drinking sporadically and socially. The heavy drinking really didn't start until 2 or 3 years ago but just sort of snowballed out of control. Kind of funny how that works, and at the time you don't even see it happening.

But anyways, I'm doing better. I only drank once since the 10th, and that was just six pints of some Milwaukee's Best. It seems like if I just stick to cheap beer throughout the evening I'm fine, but once I start on the hard stuff it's all over. Wine can go either way.
 
Hey Crampz, Yep the lethargy once you give up is understandable - I was dog tired. I think it is because you have been punishing your body for so long that it just needs to rest.

That was something else that hit me too that I had never really experienced before my last binge. I mean I've had times where I was a little hungover and tired the next day but nothing like this. Makes sense I guess since alcohol fucks up REM sleep. I was exhausted for a good 3 days, but I think some of it is also seasonal disorder along with my normal manic depression. Fun times really. =D
 
That was something else that hit me too that I had never really experienced before my last binge. I mean I've had times where I was a little hungover and tired the next day but nothing like this. Makes sense I guess since alcohol fucks up REM sleep. I was exhausted for a good 3 days, but I think some of it is also seasonal disorder along with my normal manic depression. Fun times really. =D

Are you taking medication for that manic depression? Of course you know that mixing some meds with booze can cause all sorts of issues... I've heard that the stuff they give you for manic depression (they call it bipolar disorder here in England) is pretty hardcore. I'm taking 'carbamazepine' at the minute for my trigeminal neuralgia, but I have read on the label that it can be used in higher quantities to treat manic depression. I'm on 1200mg a day - and this stuff makes me pretty shaky, unsteady on my feet, a little anxious, tired, and general flu type symptoms. I can't imagine what would happen if drink was added.

June - are you around? Any updates? We're here for you. <3
 
Are you taking medication for that manic depression? Of course you know that mixing some meds with booze can cause all sorts of issues... I've heard that the stuff they give you for manic depression (they call it bipolar disorder here in England) is pretty hardcore. I'm taking 'carbamazepine' at the minute for my trigeminal neuralgia, but I have read on the label that it can be used in higher quantities to treat manic depression. I'm on 1200mg a day - and this stuff makes me pretty shaky, unsteady on my feet, a little anxious, tired, and general flu type symptoms. I can't imagine what would happen if drink was added.

Just a benzo right now for anxiety. I've been through 4 or 5 different meds but haven't had much success.
 
Im sorry to be posting in here all the freaking time but I am so terribly depressed these days, Im really just thinking 'what is the point in even trying' and just going back to drinking.
 
I hear ya... A lot of times I don't go a day without at least at some point thinking I could really use a drink. Strange tho, today I don't really care. I have found the longer I go without it the less the cravings I have.

I wonder what the percentage is of people who use alcohol to self medicate? I'm guessing it would be quite high. Definitely is the case for me, although I can find any reason to drink.
 
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^^ I have no idea but logic kind dictates it would be the vast majority. Most people do not drink like this, there is probably some underlying reason most people start.

I would say ive been on at least 10 different antidepressants, but the only one thats ever even remotely worked has made me eat non-stop. To me, it seems the longer I am sober the more im beginning to think 'yeah its been a few weeks but fuck it, is not drinking really worth being this miserable for?' Arguably id be miserable anyway, just in a drunken stupor that numbs it out, but at least i wouldnt have to actually feel it.
 
^^ I have no idea but logic kind dictates it would be the vast majority. Most people do not drink like this, there is probably some underlying reason most people start.

Yeah, I think so although I think are people that just like to drink lol. For a good while it did help me as far as the depression and anxiety and I was able to control it. But I guess like most addictions it just got out of hand and started causing the things that were partially the reason I started in the first place.

I would say ive been on at least 10 different antidepressants, but the only one thats ever even remotely worked has made me eat non-stop.

Guessing Remeron? lol

To me, it seems the longer I am sober the more im beginning to think 'yeah its been a few weeks but fuck it, is not drinking really worth being this miserable for?' Arguably id be miserable anyway, just in a drunken stupor that numbs it out, but at least i wouldnt have to actually feel it.

Yeah I think I get that after too if I'm able to go that long lol. I think hell I've gone X amount of time I'll just drink this weekend which inevitably turns into drinking for who knows how long.
 
^^ I have no idea but logic kind dictates it would be the vast majority. Most people do not drink like this, there is probably some underlying reason most people start.

I would say ive been on at least 10 different antidepressants, but the only one thats ever even remotely worked has made me eat non-stop. To me, it seems the longer I am sober the more im beginning to think 'yeah its been a few weeks but fuck it, is not drinking really worth being this miserable for?' Arguably id be miserable anyway, just in a drunken stupor that numbs it out, but at least i wouldnt have to actually feel it.

Ok, first up. Is it really worth it? I was as miserable as anything when I quit. Everything that I drank to numb out came flooding back, and it was shit. I began to seriously question if I could live the rest of my life sober. It seemed impossible at first, but I took it one day at a time.

2. If you drink now you will undo all the great work you have put in, and you will have that guilty feeling for having had a drink. I know - I went through millions of attempts to give it up before it finally stuck (well, not millions, but you get the idea) and each and every single time I picked up a drink after a period of sobriety I felt really, really guilty.

3. What changes does alcohol actually make to your life? Sure it numbs shit out, but you end up being a lonely, old pathetic drunk in the end with health problems. You were initially worried about your life expectancy because of alcohol - is drinking now suddenly going to add ten or twenty years on to your life expectancy?

4. You will end up becoming a figure that everyone pities. Let me tell you a story. I had been kicked out by my parents close to Christmas one year, and I started staying in a series of hotels and getting absolutely rat-arsed. To do this, I would stagger out of my hotel to go to the supermarket to buy more each day. My best friend was coming home from work in a taxi, and the taxi driver tutted and said "Look at the state of that" to which my best friend agreed. When the car drove past, she turned around and was shocked to see it was me!! I could barely talk I was that drunk and fell over onto the pavement. People of course were looking and shaking their heads and walking past. It's a good job my best friend was driving past to help me up. I had become a figure of pity to all my friends - "Awww look at Sarah - pissed again". Outsiders just saw a dirty old drunk. (I hadn't even washed for days)

5. You will start to alienate/lose whatever in your life right now may be good. I lost countless jobs, my family (I still don't speak to them), ex-girlfriends, friends. Etc. etc. I was arguing with my grandma over my drinking in my last call to her before she died. That absolutely kills me. Relations that I saw at her funeral were stand offish because they knew what I put her through the year that I lived with her. (My family kicked me out one final time, and I went to Ireland to live with my grandma in 2001. I proceeded to put her through hell with my drinking. I then met my partner, and moved in with her a year later - she lived in England too.) So my final call to my grandma a few weeks before she died, we were arguing about my still drinking because she cared about me. Fuck alcohol, and I hope she sees from heaven that I have turned my life around now. However, by the time I was getting my shit together she was dead. Too late.

6. Alcohol will end up depressing you even more in the long run. If you think you are depressed now - this is nothing. I'm still taking anti-depressants now five years on! They are nothing. Sure they make you eat a little more, but with exercise, you can combat their effect. If you do eat - eat fruit. That too will help you feel better. If you eat meals, cook them. Fish is excellent for serotonin levels.

7. If you are anything like me, when you have a drink you wallow in your sadness. I did this shit all the time. I would get drunk and start to play sad songs, sit there and cry, repeating "Why have you done this to me?" writing crazy shit on pieces of paper - staring in the mirror saying "I hate you". I actually did the latter once on a work night out, and they had my step dad come to collect me because they were worried about my mental health. I had apparently smashed my head repeatedly of the bathroom walls in some pub screaming I hate myself. How embarrassing. The next Monday morning they were all talking to me like I was some nutcase. That's not the only crazy shit I did in front of work colleagues. We had gone out for a night out - (I of course had been drinking beforehand) and the drunker that I got I said I wanted to "Drink myself to death because I had no reason to live". OMFG. Can you imagine saying that in front of your boss? They really started treating me with kid gloves after that.

8. Alcohol makes you do really stupid things. Hmmm where to start. I had a suicide attempt once - I won't go into it, but my parents had kicked me out yet again, and I ate a packet of tablets and slashed my wrists right in front of their lounge window. At that stage the alcohol had totally got my brain - I didn't know how to think - even when I was sober. It's like electro pulses/fog were permanently leaping all over my brain making me do really dumb shit. once drank a 2 litre bottle of cider, and turned in for work absolutely piss drunk and telling people I was fine. I was then sick all over my computer - just as the bosses were deciding what to do with me. I took an ex out to one of the most expensive restaurants in town. I was pissed beforehand, and when the courses arrived, I ran into the toilets and was sick everywhere. Apparently I was creating quite the scene, and they had to take me out the back of the restaurant to throw me out as I couldn't go out the front. Hmmm I got pissed one night and told my ex I was in love with someone else just as she was blurting her feelings out for me. There are others, but I'm probably boring you.

So Crampz - are you seeing the pattern? What can alcohol possibly make better? You really now have a chance to find out what the fuck you need to self medicate for. I have lost my whole twenties (which I'm really sad about) - gone in a drunken haze. If your current counsellor isn't working find a new one. Do you really want to lose anymore of your life to this shitty, shitty drug? Do you want to be possibly taking down your life expectancy any further? These are the things to think about before you pick it up.

You know, I really wish I had known about Bluelight when I was giving up. It would have been awesome to have people tell me like it is. Do you want to make a serious attempt at finding out why you feel the need to drink? Or is it just easier to say "Uhh I'm depressed, life is shit, I'm gonna drink to numb it out, anti depressants don't work - they make me fat, so I'm not gonna take them". It is too easy to say that. Like we've said in previous posts - a good life does not land in your lap, you really have to go out there and make one. Don't make the same mistake I did on countless occasions by taking the easy option. Try to find a counsellor/pills/cognitive behavioural therapy that works for you.
 
Oh trust me, I know, I have humilated myself in every which way possible. I am still in my twenties (just barely) and I have fucking ruined them. This too makes me incredibly sad, especially as I look at everyone around me who has got their shit together and im living with my fucking parents (one of whom is a fucked up alcoholic).

Yes I have been known to put on the sad songs and just sit there crying, to be honest, I kind of enjoyed that part in some weird fucked up way, I cannot cry when I am sober, it just doesnt work. I mean, I can feel sad (pretty much always do) but the tears only come when I am smashed for some reason.

Alcohol doesn't make anything better, it just makes shitty situations SEEM more tolerable whilst concurrently making them worse. What a fun paradox.

Ahh I don't even know what I am trying to say tbh :(.
 
well i made it about 7 days, then finaly today i brke down and drank. and know i have to decide should i caught the bus and walk or buy acouple more beers
 
Oh trust me, I know, I have humilated myself in every which way possible. I am still in my twenties (just barely) and I have fucking ruined them. This too makes me incredibly sad, especially as I look at everyone around me who has got their shit together and im living with my fucking parents (one of whom is a fucked up alcoholic).

Yes I have been known to put on the sad songs and just sit there crying, to be honest, I kind of enjoyed that part in some weird fucked up way, I cannot cry when I am sober, it just doesnt work. I mean, I can feel sad (pretty much always do) but the tears only come when I am smashed for some reason.

Alcohol doesn't make anything better, it just makes shitty situations SEEM more tolerable whilst concurrently making them worse. What a fun paradox.

Ahh I don't even know what I am trying to say tbh :(.

I was like that when my Nain died, only cried when drunk x
 
First up - sorry June but I'm still a greenlighter, so my inbox is funny - I don't know what's going on with it.

Ok, I totally agree with Generic. This guilt is totally typical. My other half kinda knew what she was getting into, but didn't realise it was so bad. For the most part, I was a happy drunk. I wouldn't hurt a fly. It was more my other half coming home, finding me comatose and slapping me around trying to get me to see what I was doing out of pure frustration. Thinking now, I think I would have had the same response if the shoe was on the other foot. It didn't matter if she pleaded with me not to get drunk because we had some kind of function to go to that night, I would do the same thing day in, day out. So then she began to drink more with me to deal with it.

One night, we got soooo pissed that we ended up having a fist fight that left me with a huge bruise along my jaw the next day. I had to explain it as having teeth out when people remarked. The black eye was harder to explain. She sat me down and told me then that it had to stop. She had never hit anyone, and she didn't want to be like that. I did try for a few weeks, then went straight back to how I was.

She then tried to yell at me. Which was quite often since I would be utterly pissed by the time she came home from work with the house looking like a pig sty. We would sit and talk about my behaviour in my sober moments. She recommended counselling since I had a lot of baggage from my mother/family, and I would always say what she wanted to hear, then start drinking as soon as it was a reasonable time. When she started pleading with me to stop, I would always ask for more saying that that night would be the last.

By the time the vodka incident had occurred, our relationship was kind of in tatters anyhow. She had threatened to leave me countless times in the run up to that, and we hadn't been physically close in months. So when she found the vodka bottle and didn't say a thing, I knew that that was it.

I had done so much to her over the years, and she had taken it. She had tried to help me - she took me to countless alcohol advisory services, AA, the doctors, nothing had worked. I knew that she had had enough. And, by the time that came around so had I. This chemical was destroying everything. My relationships, my body, my jobs, it was caustic. I wasn't prepared now to lose the only person who had ever truly loved me ever over it. So yes, I had my 'Bing' moment, and I knew I had a fight on my hands.

My partner of course had heard it all before and didn't believe that this time was the real thing. "The proof of the pudding is in the eating". And I had a heck of a lot of trust to earn back.

So June, I was never a violent person so I can't advise you there. If he told you that he was a drinker - he cannot have used the words 'alcoholic' surely. It really is a classic addicts behaviour - he has knowingly put you in a position whereby he knew how bad his drinking was, and STILL expected you to deal with it. It is the same as I did to my partner - I certainly didn't use the chat up line "Oh, and honey- I'm an alcoholic - you cool with that?" it would have been an instant turn off, and yet, I still went ahead and entered a relationship, knowing fine well I really should have been sorting myself out first. He has done that to you June - he should be bloody grateful that you have stuck it out this long.

When you say he's getting mean what form is it taking? Physical, mental? I would suggest straight off the bat that if you are living in fear at any point to get out of there. You do not deserve this. It is not your problem that has to be sorted. And, to be honest, he is showing zero sign of wanting to sort out his problem. You've mentioned in previous posts when you talk to him about his drinking he just goes straight ahead, and drinks more.

"When he is him, he is the most wonderful man, mostly". The mostly at the end suggests doubt. However, does he have sober times? Do you guys sit down and talk about his problem? What does he say?

Woman to woman - I know that we women do need a hell of a lot from relationships. Honestly June - what are you getting from him when he is like this? My partner said that when I would have my sober weeks/months she at least knew that I had it in me to beat it eventually. Is there anything that he does or is doing that makes you think at least he wants to try and give it up?

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. This is totally not a fight that you should have to take on. You cannot make him sober if he doesn't want to at least help himself. You don't have to worry about him either. Us alchies tend to follow the same pattern - get up-drink-run out-go to the shop to get more- drink- collapse.

You said that this is breaking you slowly, and in a previous post that you were drinking more because of this. My partner said that she had never drank so much in her life until she was with me. Any sunny day, we would be out in the garden drinking 'pimms' from 11am til around 4, I would stagger round to the shop to get me 12 cans of beer, and her 2 bottles of wine. That was a weekend. Of a weeknight, I would drink 8 cans of beer and my partner would drink a bottle and a half of wine. The eight cans of beer would be on top of what I had drunk in the day. Now, my partner is a teacher - she didn't like turning in for work feeling like shit every morning, and was starting to worry for her health.

You do not deserve this June. I'm afraid it may be time to go - if he is seeing that you are putting up with it and being a 'good little woman' and not saying anything, of course he will continue. If he sees true action, maybe he will be started into action.

Let us know how you go, and remember June - if you are really, really scared of him - get out of there now. <3

I wrote that last post after one of those nights.
He is a good man and he's never layed a hand on me with anger, not really.. When I sleep in another room after one of his 'heavier' days, and he starts to come down the stairs and my heart starts beating like I'm afraid, I'm just as surprised to be thrown in to fight or flight mode. This, I do not enjoy. This, alarms me to no end. But Cartsman, he is a good man. Sure, we all have our issues.
And the emotional he never even remembers the next day so it is difficult to have conversation about it with him.

I talked to him about moving out the other day when we were chopping wood in the back 40. Told him I didn't want to lose him and that although he told me he was a drinker right off the get go I never thought it would be like this. I thought I could handle it. Well I was wrong. Told him I don't think I have what it takes to watch my love kill himself a little bit every day. Told him that happy people don't drink like that every day and I can't help but to think this reflects poorly on me. This rips at my heart . When I ask why he drinks so much every day he says, "I don't know". Told him that wasn't good enough a reason.

So yes, the conversation was earnest, calm and collected. I said I could move into a place in town and he could come for dinner anytime and this would give him the space he needs to figure things out.

From all I have read, there will be cycles of stages. Some weeks will be better, some will be worse. I'm only feeling that fear thing when he's over the top and this seems to happen about once every week and a half, sometimes longer in between. I told him about feeling fear when he's like that. This seemed to really drive it on home for him and I could see he was greatly saddened.
I asked him if he knows what he's like when he's like that and he told me his ex use to record him and play it back the next day. I told him it is the strangest thing to live with two personality's. One you love, the other you'd rather avoid.

He's been doing more around the house, going to bed early and waking up earlier. I know this isn't easy for him. I know he gets up in the wee hours of the a.m to have a couple beer to calm his shakes and then returns to bed.
I wish I could take his pain away. wish I could.
I love this man. He doesn't mean to freak me out.

I appreciate what you said Cartsmann. I do. I'm here though. Can't leave him, love him too much to give up.
But if the cycle doesn't show a steady improvement I will take steps that will be seen as selfishly motivated. He has been drinking heavily since he was a teenager. His Father was a heavy drinker and for some reason, he thinks he must be to.

Might go to a meeting. Didn't go yet due to the need to protect him. But there's only so many booze shops here. They all know he drinks too much already so the Jig is up so to speak.
I'll go to a meeting to see how people deal with this. Perhaps this may help. He won't come, asked him already but I'll go and hope that somehow he finds the strength, the self love and motivation to get help.
C, when he's good, he's the best. I've never felt like this with anyone and he is home to me. You can understand why it is so difficult to leave when the good times are great. I may sound weak and I accept this. I can't give up on him, he is worth this battle being fought wholeheartedly and for the most part, is a loving caring man.
Long one here, sorry folks.
C, you two take care. Your story continues to inspire people like me fighting for their love. I get I need to care for myself first and foremost. I know, I know.
 
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