thank you
You talk so much sense
I know EXACTLY what you mean about the people whove been clean/sober for 10-15 years and are still going to these meetings. I Was really perplexed when they told me they hadnt drank for 15 years and go to about 8 meetings a week. When i asked why they said 'its the meetings that keep me sober'.
It's kinda freaky that I've probably been to less than 10 meetings and kinda found them almost cult like with the 'serenity prayer' at the end and been told if I don't 'keep coming back' I will die.
But stranger than that since i've been to a few meetings I see the people who attend them all over town now, and they come up and start conversation with me (which is kinda awkward when im with friends!) and when i see them when I'm alone they tell me I can't taper or control my drinking and I need to 'get to a meeting'.
Do you really think I can do this alone? Cus honestly, I feel like I have no choice anymore, even the people at the local addicition agency said 'go to AA while ur waiting' so i pretty much feel totally alone now
You asking ME if *I* think you "can do this alone" is you really saying in your own head "I'm not sure I can do this". Dr Phil is by no means a genius, but I believe him cold heartedly when he says the 80% of questions are really statements in disguise.
EVEN IF I told you "yes", you're going to find out that you don't feel any stronger, or any more able to actually do it. And if I say "no" you're likely to feel challenged, and tell yourself "I can do it, hes wrong", but STILL not feel any more capable of actually doing it.
You have to look at points in your past, where you have told yourself "I can't do it", "I'm not gonna make it" but still wound up making it at the end. A divorce maybe, an obsession with biting your nails, overeating, ANYTHING. I look back at situations in my life where I had 100% convinced myself I couldn't survive something... but in the end wound up making it through with way more ease than I expected.
Prison, rehab, suicide from a friend, sexual assualt, pyschward/detox. SO MANY situations where I was SO SURE I wouldn't make it, but did.
I am more than sure you have situations like that in your past to validate your strength.
You don't need me to tell you you can, you don't need NA either. You don't even really need yourself to be honest, cause strength is more an instinct than a thought.
When the time comes, you either use it or you don't.
I don't want you to think AA/NA is a bad place. They're not, and any place where people congregate together for a positive cause I say is innately good no matter what. They DID help me get 5 years clean. But the second I stopped going how odd that I felt "helpless" and went straight back to drugs.
What you need to see are the sacrifices you make in BOTH situations.
I will try to outline this as carefully as possible for you. But anytime, I mean ANYTIME you make a decision in your life, no matter what, you ALWAYS are really just making a trade for something else.
Example:
Now - You go to AA, you get moral support, it makes you feel strong.
Later - You don't go to AA, you don't get moral support, it makes you feel weak.
Now - AA/Detox HELPS YOU get off alcohol, you feel good for conquering the habit.
Later - You look back and feel weak for not being able to do it yourself, when you were clearly able to get yourself addicted. You beat yourself up for being weak by societies measures (society never goes away), and have conditioned yourself further into the trap of "if I ever get addicted again, I will always have to go somewhere outside of myself to get clean". "Learned Helplessness" its more than just a theory. AA/NA practice that theory everyday. And thats precisely why I felt weak when leaving NA.
Now - You ask yourself if you're strong, don't know, ask AA, and they say "YES! You ARE STRONG, if you weren't you wouldn't be in these rooms!!! (now say a fucking serenity prayer damnit!!! llol)".
Later - You ask yourself if you're strong, and have to actually answer it yourself =] hmmm
I just want you to see that niether situation is a miracle of any sort. Alone, or with AA, you STILL are the same person. The person whos going to get themselves off drugs in ANY situation is the person who's on the drugs. It never changes.
Does AA help? That depends specifically on how people define "help" in their own heads. I would say "yeh it helps now, but what about later? Shouldn't we at least TRY to shift our locus of control inside ourselves? At least once in life? And not buy into all the hype?"
I just want you to hear this.
When I got out of detox I didn't really feel good about myself at all. Sure detox made it "easier", but I STILL felt weak leaving.
When I got off pods by myself, it was this OVERWHELMING feeling of strength that flooded every inch of my body. EVEN WHEN I simultaneously felt like shit from wds.
"OMG! I AM SUPERMAN. I did EXACTLY what I was told I couldn't. And all that I had to do was believe I could". And getting myself off drugs for the first time in my life, (w/out help) almost makes me feel like I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to.
Find a great wife, a successful career... maybe even start working on being at peace with myself for once.
I relapsed today. But what happens in AA/NA when people relapse?
"OMG and I drank 4 gallons of everclear then raped a prostitute and now the feds are after me" lol. Ok it doesn't exactly get that severe, but when the relapses happen, you can often CLEARLY see the aspect of learned helplessness working its magic on people.
I relapsed today and thought "hmm... that wasn't really what I needed". I REALLY NEED an anti-depressant till I can sort out my life and get through the mental rebounds of opiates. Am I basically trading NA for an anti-d in a way? Sure. But does if give me an extra 90mins everyday to do shit I need? Yes. So its just the TRADE or SACRIFICE I chose to make.
Either way I realize its not going to really be any better.
And look, if you DO wind up going to detox/AA to get clean you should NOT feel bad. People are different. Some people have such ingrained locusts of control it can be impossible to change them. But its really that they believe its impossible in their heads, so they never try.
Either way be easy on yourself. Lighten up, and don't take life too seriously. You have been FORCING HELL on yourself for 5 years for a reason. I do think a lot of addicts/alcoholics somehow feel "whole" by abusing themselves on a daily basis. Maybe cause getting closer to the end of life somehow makes them feel liberated (depression maybe?). Who knows. But keep it simple. And NO, I'm not saying "keep it simple stupid" cause thats what AA/NA say, and you are NOT stupid. =] You CAN do it. You just really need to feel and believe it inside.
It sounds so ridiculous when I see it written down like that 
