This is going to be a bit of a ranty type blog for now as there have been a few things in my life to work through and it seems to be going nowhere at all..i met my partner 12+ years ago now, i was 16-17 at the time, and he was then in his late 20s..i remember explaining to him at the start of the relationship, that given my age when we met, i could not promise him who i would become as i grew up. He knew of my drug use, but i am pretty sure that he thought of it only as a phase i was going through, and that eventually i would 'grow up' and stop using and CONform! which is by far one of the most ridiculous possibilities i have ever heard lol.. so the years go by, i remain using various substances, some of them heavier than before that..amazingly he also began using a few things, painkillers mainly and he loved snorting speed..but, he is of a personality where even though he enjoys these things, he truly doesnt give a fuck if he runs out, and can even have a box of favourite pills in the house for weeks without touching them! so that i just cant bring myself to understand. and in turn he doesnt understand why i cant (and wont) just set the pills and weed that i love aside and 'clean up' a bit..not possible.
So, now at 28 he seems quite aggrivated at what/who i have become, both in the use of mind altering substances and my extreme sexual prefferences, none of which, he can actually embrace or even wish to take in at all. I do respect his decision to be more sober than not..but he cant seem to respect my decision to continue using..and i really am getting to breaking point of blind anger. not good! I understand his concerns and his reasons for staying mentally in control of himself and everything.. but he just doesnt seem to be able to just..let go.. unwind and have fun..yet i remember clear a time years ago when he would do exactly that. But he also has changed, and i no longer can imagine a future with him in it. not like i so easily could do when we first met eachother in life. Now, i am starting to feel trapped, helpless within the situation to a certain extent..as we have a child involved, things have to be done more smoothly for the sake of that child..but its seriously getting to the point where its like a devout catholic living with a devout Pagan or Athiest, not all that possible. We have made it through many difficult times over the 12 years, and managed a long distance relationship with 3,500 miles between us, and a multitude of other life issues from that point on, i just dont think this time its going to be easy, if at all possible, to work through this as the issues i have with him are ones that are part of his true being and personality, and the things he wants me to change are part of my built-in real self.. I just dont understand why most of the world thinks that after on has a child, they are meant to completely conform and become betty freaking crocker. not going to happen! i am not a normal parent by any means, but hes 8 now and growing up very well despite my not having given up my true inner self to appease family and 'loved ones' around me..Its shown me that being part of a minority instead of the majority herds is a constantly uphill battle in many ways..sometimes it even seems to easier to just give in. but it isnt in me to do so that fuck!
Ok, will end here, just needed to get this out of my system in hopes it helps as a sort of catalyst
So, now at 28 he seems quite aggrivated at what/who i have become, both in the use of mind altering substances and my extreme sexual prefferences, none of which, he can actually embrace or even wish to take in at all. I do respect his decision to be more sober than not..but he cant seem to respect my decision to continue using..and i really am getting to breaking point of blind anger. not good! I understand his concerns and his reasons for staying mentally in control of himself and everything.. but he just doesnt seem to be able to just..let go.. unwind and have fun..yet i remember clear a time years ago when he would do exactly that. But he also has changed, and i no longer can imagine a future with him in it. not like i so easily could do when we first met eachother in life. Now, i am starting to feel trapped, helpless within the situation to a certain extent..as we have a child involved, things have to be done more smoothly for the sake of that child..but its seriously getting to the point where its like a devout catholic living with a devout Pagan or Athiest, not all that possible. We have made it through many difficult times over the 12 years, and managed a long distance relationship with 3,500 miles between us, and a multitude of other life issues from that point on, i just dont think this time its going to be easy, if at all possible, to work through this as the issues i have with him are ones that are part of his true being and personality, and the things he wants me to change are part of my built-in real self.. I just dont understand why most of the world thinks that after on has a child, they are meant to completely conform and become betty freaking crocker. not going to happen! i am not a normal parent by any means, but hes 8 now and growing up very well despite my not having given up my true inner self to appease family and 'loved ones' around me..Its shown me that being part of a minority instead of the majority herds is a constantly uphill battle in many ways..sometimes it even seems to easier to just give in. but it isnt in me to do so that fuck!
Ok, will end here, just needed to get this out of my system in hopes it helps as a sort of catalyst