Advice?

[dermeister]

My life is absolutely horrible. I can now only relate to the people at my school who cut/burn themselves daily and are suicidal. All of my old friends have all decided to only talk to me about how I have become an idiot and a loser because of my drug usage. My parents recently caught me smoking weed, one of the things that actually made me enjoy my life. They dont trust me with the money i make at my job, so they take it. The are now telling me that they dont owe me the one and a half grand I used to own, and are saying they only owe me around 600-700 dollars.
I've only been to a rave once but it will no doubt be the best 8 hours I will ever have in my life. This is probably the only thing that keeps me going, yet i can no longer go to them because my parents "can't trust me". They say that because they believe I should be in deep regret and feel absolutely horrible because drugs are "bad". My dad can go out and drive drunk, drink around 50-60 beers daily, and in his drunken stupor threaten to kill, hurt and yell at me and my sister for hours on end. Then forget exactly what he did and start yelling at us for the same exact thing after he finished, but this is accepted because its "legal and safe". I also have no privacy now, my parents now have this program that lets them read every singe message I send. If any one sees my door closed they take it as an invatation to barge into my room at random without any warning. My room is also now being searched whenever my parents are home when I am not. They think they don't know about it but I noticed that some stuff has been moved between the time I left for school and coming home. I try to be happy and optimistic about everything, so I will tend to make jokes to cope. My parents just find this as very immature and me noot learning my lesson so the get harsher.
I am very nice to everyone and i won't fight or argue with anyone because I don't see the point in it. Because of this and me being nice everyone at my school decides to walk over me and I won't do anything about it because my parents beat this idea into my head of always being the better person and not retaliating back. I'm also very shy and I can't get over it so people will usually just think I hate them and won't talk to me at all and go out of their way to be make my life worse.
I plan on sneaking out to a rave in 16 days and taking anything and everything I can find so I can OD and if i get lucky i'll die. If this happens at least i'll die happy and I won't have to deal with this shit life anymore. Theres only 3 people that care about me. My little sister who idolizes me and wants to go down the same path I am which I am sure as hell not going to let her. The other two of twice my age and I've only met them once, but we talk over the phone often, and I consider myself closer to these two men than I do to my own father.
I'm always looking for something else that might make this a little better, whether it be a new drug or a way out. So far I've only smoked weed and roll twice and just started smoking ciggarettes,its been about a week and I already love em. I will smoke/inject/snort anything you put in front of me and say its a drug. For all I know it could be rat poison and i'd be happy with that so I could at least die. I already have plans on starting to do coke and meth, I just need to find someone who will sell.
I don't want to start taking anti depressants or tell anyone else how I feel. It wil just lead to more problems and I doubt any one will even care.
Do you think I should just OD or go straight to killing myself?

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi dermeister, firstly welcome to Bluelight

Man I am really sorry to hear about your situation. You have it really rough and to be honest I'm not surprised that you're looking towards drugs as an escape/coping mechanism.

While I can kinda understand where your parents are coming from, i.e. they love you and are concerned for your wellbeing, they are going about this all wrong. Have you tried to talk to your mum when you're both calm and can discuss this sensibly? Tell her honestly how this is all making you feel, that you feel helpless and you can't cope with the pressure they are placing on you. Perhaps leave your dad out of the discussion for now since he seems to be having emotional problems of his own. Do you think you'd be able to bring it up with your mum though?

Also, is there a counsellor at school who you can talk to about how you're feeling?? I know that you feel like you want to die but in all honesty, suicide causes more problems than it solves. If nothing else, think of how much it would completely destroy your little sister's life forever if you left her behind. She looks up to you man, she needs you.
And if you die now, think of all the opportunities you'll miss out on for happiness in the future. You owe it to yourself to try to work things out.

Please take to someone about this. And of course, you can always PM me or any of the other Dark Side moderators if you need someone to talk to right away. Take care

 

[Ds]

My life is absolutely horrible. I can now only relate to the people at my school who cut/burn themselves daily and are suicidal. All of my old friends have all decided to only talk to me about how I have become an idiot and a loser because of my drug usage. My parents recently caught me smoking weed, one of the things that actually made me enjoy my life. They dont trust me with the money i make at my job, so they take it. The are now telling me that they dont owe me the one and a half grand I used to own, and are saying they only owe me around 600-700 dollars.
I've only been to a rave once but it will no doubt be the best 8 hours I will ever have in my life. This is probably the only thing that keeps me going, yet i can no longer go to them because my parents "can't trust me". They say that because they believe I should be in deep regret and feel absolutely horrible because drugs are "bad". My dad can go out and drive drunk, drink around 50-60 beers daily, and in his drunken stupor threaten to kill, hurt and yell at me and my sister for hours on end. Then forget exactly what he did and start yelling at us for the same exact thing after he finished, but this is accepted because its "legal and safe". I also have no privacy now, my parents now have this program that lets them read every singe message I send. If any one sees my door closed they take it as an invatation to barge into my room at random without any warning. My room is also now being searched whenever my parents are home when I am not. They think they don't know about it but I noticed that some stuff has been moved between the time I left for school and coming home. I try to be happy and optimistic about everything, so I will tend to make jokes to cope. My parents just find this as very immature and me noot learning my lesson so the get harsher.
I am very nice to everyone and i won't fight or argue with anyone because I don't see the point in it. Because of this and me being nice everyone at my school decides to walk over me and I won't do anything about it because my parents beat this idea into my head of always being the better person and not retaliating back. I'm also very shy and I can't get over it so people will usually just think I hate them and won't talk to me at all and go out of their way to be make my life worse.
I plan on sneaking out to a rave in 16 days and taking anything and everything I can find so I can OD and if i get lucky i'll die. If this happens at least i'll die happy and I won't have to deal with this shit life anymore. Theres only 3 people that care about me. My little sister who idolizes me and wants to go down the same path I am which I am sure as hell not going to let her. The other two of twice my age and I've only met them once, but we talk over the phone often, and I consider myself closer to these two men than I do to my own father.
I'm always looking for something else that might make this a little better, whether it be a new drug or a way out. So far I've only smoked weed and roll twice and just started smoking ciggarettes,its been about a week and I already love em. I will smoke/inject/snort anything you put in front of me and say its a drug. For all I know it could be rat poison and i'd be happy with that so I could at least die. I already have plans on starting to do coke and meth, I just need to find someone who will sell.
I don't want to start taking anti depressants or tell anyone else how I feel. It wil just lead to more problems and I doubt any one will even care.
Do you think I should just OD or go straight to killing myself?

hey man, i can relate to your story. i to have gone through a total shit storm, and by the grace of my higher power i'm still alive.. all the times i tried killing myself, and OD. something brought me back to life. I always wondered why was I still alive, and now I know!
I've been in recovery since I was 16. been to rehab, after rehab. overdose after overdose. i'd load a syringe with way more then what i was used to. i was tired of living that life.
all hope seemed lost man, i was living on the streets, sleeping where ever. begging for money to get dope. i was fucking hopeless. fighting over sack lunchs that they give to the homeless in the park here, having to fight for my life against other addicts.
my life was going no where.. i did all that shit for the stuff i can put in my arm. no matter how i got it, i had to have it.
don't fuck up the love your parents have for u man. it seems like they are doing the shit just to piss you off, or to show that they dont love you. i've been down there before man, my parents did the same to me. and blamed it on the tough love. Good thing is that you dont have to live with your folks for ever, if your under their roof, fallow their rules man. just bite the bullet until you can save some funds to get a place of your own.
i'm still working on my slef, yeah i live in a halfway house. this is the best fucking place for me right now, no its not full of felons. just a bunch of people in recovery doing what they need to do for their recovery.
maybe look into halfway houses around where your at? or check into rehab.

i cant tell you to stop doing drugs.. but the way your life is going right now man. i'd really consider changing something in your life.

if you really feel like suicide, and no ones there. please do this, call this number 1-800-273 TALK.
i've called that number tons of times with a loaded gun ready to kill my self. all i wanted was for someone to talk to, and tell someone how fucking bad of a person i am. the person/people i talked with helped me get that shit out. and after about an hour on the phone with them, i felt normal again.
so please man, seek help bro.
you can always pm me man if u wanna talk, i'll shoot u my number if u ever wanna talk.
cheer up bro, its not the end of the world for u.
if no one's told that they loved you today, i love u!

 

[dermeister]

Well, i grabbed my pipe back from my parents today to give to a friend and my dad broke my door, almost ruined my laptop and punched my a couple of times. After I finished smashing it i clenched it in my hand cutting myself. I now know why people cut themeselves. I'd love to just sit with someone and talk but i don't know what to say. Right now I believe suicide is an answer...I dont really give a fuck what mess I leave behind,anyways the only person who would give a shit is my little sister. I'd hate to ruin her life by doing this but I certainly feel like its the best option for me right now. I've got a friend at school who has a lot of penicillin pills and im going to ask her for them tomorrow if i see her.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I'd love to just sit with someone and talk but i don't know what to say.

I know it's a difficult thing to do, I've been in that exact situation myself many times. When I've been suicidal I've had to open up to doctors, specialists, loved ones. It's really fucking hard man, but it's SO worth it. You'll never know how much it can help you just talking through your thoughts and emotions, until you try. And you will be amazed at how much people really do want to help you. But you never know that until you reach out for help.

In my opinion, suicide should never be considered if you haven't genuinely given every other option a good solid try. Like I said, you owe it to yourself to keep trying. Us humans are capable of amazing things if we just put our minds to it, even in the face of adversity.

Please keep trying man

 

[sHR00m]

dont let go

hi meister... hmm german nick and in colorado? anyway.. im truly shocked for what happened to you.

first, id suggest you take your privacy back. get a linux live-cd. ubuntu or something like that so they cant monitor you. (wtf.) maybe use tor if they monitor network traffic.

id like to know how old you are. prolly too young to break free and start your own life. whatever you do, think about your sister. youre the only one who can help her through this. if you leave her now, she might just end up the same way. do you really want to leave her alone in this? protect her.

is there really none you could develop a friendship with? some stoners at school, for example, not some piece of shit hippocrites who leave you alone with your problems, the second you touch weed. what a bunch of jerks. i know.. school isnt fun in your situation but youre not the only one there who isnt popular. you can give each other strength but avoid people who just pull you down.

ever thought about going to the authorities with this? cant imagine that this degree of abuse is tolerable, if it comes out - even in the states. youre their kids, not their slaves. they dont own you. btw, maybe you can work something out with your boss to get payed directly or something, so they cant _steal_ it from you?

maybe you have marks from the punches or so? if you ever get marks, black eye, etc, let it examine by a doctor and tell him what happened, so he can save the evidence. maybe he could help you with your emotional state medically as well. ah man... damn. i know this is totally evil but dont surrender to these pigs. try to get away from them. maybe get stronger, so you can defend yourself? some exercising could lift your confidence too. maybe some karate..

I will smoke/inject/snort anything you put in front of me and say its a drug. For all I know it could be rat poison and i'd be happy with that so I could at least die. I already have plans on starting to do coke and meth, I just need to find someone who will sell.

well.. i cant tell you what drugs you should take but going straight through every drug, no matter what, wont make anything better and in the end THEY can tell the story how bravely they tried to prevent it. im not saying dont do drugs hell i did all kind of stuff myself. but you seem damn young.. start slowly, weed aint that boring there are many interesting drugs, it doesnt always have to be the hard ones. often they are surprisingly boring compared with x, weed, etc. id imagine that psychedelics would do better than the stuff youre reaching for. if in the right mood at least.

coke/meth.. do what you want but i give you one advise: dont smoke/shoot that stuff. especially smoking coke isnt smart. youre gonna get high like 5 minutes and then develope the urge to redose. just like smoking.. it starts with the first toke and gives you nothing but problems. ive seen people smoke like 15 stones while talking with me at the bus station. its just expensive and retarded, be smart. to me stimulants are a lot lesser addictive if snorted. harm reduction and all. and i think you might be disappointed by meth, cuz despite all the horror media hype, its just another stimulant.

ah well its late.. maybe something from this text was able to help you out.
take care man

 

[dermeister]

Well, i'm 16 and im going to make it a goal to make sure she can live the best life she can now because I don't want her to be like this. I've opened to some people lately and found out there are actually people who care for me...I decided to give up on all of my old friends and not look back. Maybe that will help me feel better. I really don't want to bring the cops into this, if they took my dad for child abuse or whatever else they would charge him with would destroy my family. We would have to move out of our house and my mom would have to provide for me and my two sisters and never get over it. Its not really something i'd like to do to her. My parents have threatened me that if i took off the direct deposit and just cashed my check they would make me quit my job saying it was interfering with my school work or something. And lastly, i love the german language and der meister is also a song by rammstein so i figured why not?