Advice?

[Asclepius]

My Ex is in hospital...again.(He's a chronic Alcoholic and this is a common affair)
He's txt'n me saying that 'He has no will to live', He is also sending me Old txt's I sent him being all 'loving and affectionate'.
I dont want to be heartless but I also dont want to be guilt tripped.
Am worried if I text him that he'l assume he can wrangle me back with him(He is very controlling and turns things willfully into what he wants)

My Concern is: Whether to not text him; in an effort to let him face his own problems with drink, lack of healthy introspection or seek other help etc

Or, to txt him and just show him he isn't alone?

I must stress this situation has been an ongoing one where he collapses into a mess because he wont/ cant grasp recovery/meetings/therapy(in all forms from Councelling to Psychiatry, Rehab, Group therapy, Art Therapy...

Am so at a loss to offer him any other suggestions...
I cant do anymore to support him, I dont know what he expects from me?!
Worried that Im just going to be the illusion of a crutch to help him over this...again!
...also worried that im all he sees to cling on to and could help him survive(Im not under any illusion that im that important in reality but he treats me like Im some kinda Talisman and if it keeps him alive then how can I turn away?) Thanks for any suggestions

 

[Legerity]

You're not responsible for his decisions. If he is texting you old messages you sent him to make you feel guilty I would not buy into that. Like OverDone said it's just manipulative behavior.

The reality is that even if you want to save him, you can't. So you should not have to experience the pressure of being his savior when that is an impossibility.

We all have false comforts, this seems to be the way we use just about everything in our life. So I'm not saying that I'm any different. But if our false comforts are directly harmful to another person (i.e. you), then I find that to be more objectionable.

I know you have a big heart and that can make situations like this more painful. But giving in to people's demands is not always what is best for them. There's no right/wrong decision, but do what feels right for you

 

[theartofwar]

Time for tough love - it wasn't till i lost it all that I got a clue, some guys are stubborn fucks *cough*

At this point it's enabling it's unfortunately not love no matter how it feels.

 

[Asclepius]

^ Thanks so much guys! :D

What you all said rings true...
I see his manipulation real clearly...Im just worried he is going to die and Ive left him with just negative words. Ive been to his funeral over and over in my head just to try and deal with the fact if, or more realistically when something happens to him I wont go nuts that I didnt do the right thing by him(whatever that is?) Five years of loving someone knowing that they cannot help themselves..'heartbreaking' doesnt cut it.

I know I am stronger than him in some ways and thats what hurts me the most, the fact I cant rub some of it off on him. Fucking sucks to see him do this to himself...
Anyway, am basically not trying to think about him ATM, just trusting he'l be fine and life will take care of his needs, if he lets it.

I really tried not to enable him, I stopped drinking around him, I researched Mental Health care, and I just tried to impart some knowledge and wisdom that I had learnt from others and left it over to him to take care of...
But all he seemed to do was want to appear to be content so I'd say 'Well done'
I wish he really knew what I wanted was for him to be himself, with or without me...just once he could develop some kinda fukin ethics, standards something to hold on to for himselfHe loves Alcohol, he loves it more than life. He is also frighteningly obsessed with the death of his two brothers(one who was really unstable).

Sorry this is so whiney...I just need to get it out.

I wont enable him and Im going to go to CODA
Cant deal with being the whimpering lovelorn female...I am more than that, dunno how the hell I got into this? REHAB!!!!!! NEVER have a relationship in/after REHAB!!!
Just lookin for things to blame now

Am gonna read these three comments all evening...really need the support
Thanks again, much love!

 

[panic in paradise]

hes not talking to you, hes talking to his bottle... or rather, you are his justification&rationalization...

hes more desperate then he realizes probably, and if you accept this then he probably feels anyone will, including himself.
ive been in similar situations, self induced and forever not - to the extreme, and if he is threatening suicide,,, fuck that. to tell some one you love and care about, that you want to love and care about you, or that does already; idk hearing such things directed in a diverting threat or not, is like a smack in the face. wanting a loved one to have to imagine such things...


this will be his rock-bottom, you tried to help, this is where he finally has to face all his creation.

 

[Asclepius]

^^Thanks PIP
He has attempted it more times than I can remember and also before I met him(HE's 48 ). He's Dead and Alive. He's like a Robot-baby, he has destroyed himself...seems bereft of any insight, just all automatic pilot and shallow emotion. Scary to see someone so far gone. Even his Family only keep bare superficial contact with him-they are scared of him. Really is sad.

Just hope is all thats there for him...its at times like these I'm glad that there is BL and Prayers.
TDS is like one giant, organic prayer.


^Your right OD.
I wish he had guys like ye to talk to(he's so intimidated by anyone in recovery, he keeps 'Meeting buddies' who are in the same or worse circumstances than he); asked him to go on BL but he just agreed and did nothing about it(he thinks im full of shit but tries to pretend bless him!) His IQ is definitely been eroded, guess thats what made me want to protect him(he even admited it too to me once; about how he didnt 'understand things'; grasp the meaning of things...also said, seemingly honestly, about how small he felt, how useless he was, how he couldnt tell a lie from truth anymore and how he wished he could be more like 'Me or his Mother', he looks up to women , think its the fact he is emotionally stunted prob, also his Ma spoiled him) He has so much shit repressed that its impossible to know whats really going on with him, with or without drink.
Seriously was like dealing with someone with early onset Alzheimers sometimes and then he'd be so 'With it' at other times but usually he was just kinda manic or Far away in his own world.

Anyway, thanks pet, am really hoping that things will be fine with him, its completely out of my hands, always has been. Hope is all I have.
Just have to deal with my crap now.
So true he's usin me as a 'safety blanket'(probably me doin it to him too TBH, he was more like my child sometimes although I really tried to keep perspective.. all atypical co-dependant shit ), have told him this but he doesn't get it, he doesnt 'get' alot of things. Alcohol has screwed his brain.
So great to see guys(and girls but because of D it just hits home with me) really workin toward recovery, theres too many people half alive and half dead from this shit.

 

[Asclepius]

Answered his call last night, just told him whats what and he Cried, saying: ''can we just be friends, your the only real friend I've got''
So I explained that we are friends on my terms; meaning I cant see him for the time being and I didnt want him bombarding me with calls/messages. So hopefully, he wont cross the line and we can be friends...I need alot of headspace, am much more at peace now having talked but mostly having enough space in my mind for peace. I'm much clearer knowing that I dont need him in my space... he clogs my choices up, its like his insanity takes up my mind too.
He's going to a group that have attempted suicide so hope it helps him somewhat.
Hope he gets on with a clearer mind too.

 

[ocean]

Hopefully he gets the help he needs and you continue on this path with the strength for you to move forward.
Its hard to let someone you love or care about struggle, but sometimes it is for the best of both parties to let that person struggling find their own way.
Keep your head up and focus on whats healthy for YOU.
You are the one living your life.

We're here for you when you need us and you can always PM me if you need someone.