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Advice for someone dating addict in recovery

Foreigner

Foreigner

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2009
Messages
8,295
I met a lovely guy through pure chance about a month ago and we have been seeing each other since then. He has been in recovery for 1 year from crystal meth and other substances (but meth was primary). From what he's told me, his life completely went into the gutter and he ended up homeless. Now he works for a charitable organization and is getting his life together. Still, it's been one year. According to him, this is his longest stint of sobriety in a very long time.

So I really like this guy, but I can only imagine how destabilizing it could be to rush into a new romantic relationship... so we are taking things slow. We like each other, but we aren't jumping into anything. And to be honest, that suits me fine. I have a history of co-dependent relationships that got too heated too fast, and I think it's better to get to know someone gradually this time. We have a connection and I'm keen to see it develop over time.

I also want to be realistic though. He is an addict and admits as much. He is very conscious of it and self-monitors for any behaviours that could get him into addiction territory. Even bad habits like scrolling through Facebook on his phone too much, he cuts himself off from. If he watches Netflix too much before bed every night and notices a rut developing, he'll cancel his account. He is very physically active as well, and has a robust community of support. So on the whole, he seems to be doing really well. I find his self-discipline and resiliency really attractive and I want to support him in that as much as possible.

I'm here because I'm asking for advice on how best to proceed into some kind of relationship with him while taking all pressure off. Like... I want him to know how I feel and that I'm interested, but I don't want to crowd him. We haven't even had sex yet. Just lots of cuddling and even taking naps together... and spending short amounts of time.

I guess my fear is that if we do get close, if anything happened to our relationship, I would feel awful if it caused him to relapse. I don't want to be responsible for such a thing. At the same time, he is a grown adult (older than me, in fact), and I respect him enough already to make his own choices. I do think I could be a good person for him, regardless. I work in health care and I have boat loads of compassion and patience.

Any thoughts on how to best proceed? Honest answers are all okay... even brutally honest.
 
Only self-professed addict I dated only ever feigned addiction where the case could be anything but. My ex fiance still counts as a pipehead. I'd say keep them separate. My ex would have had even more fun being my party buddy (so long as I was paying) and my former fiance just about fits the same bill. At some point I had to have been happy though. Strolling through chapel street is a memory each has demarcated unto himself. I think whilst it was stifling I enjoyed a summer romance more than a winter hookup, which is ultimately what the fiance deal spilled over from. I need to be wary in winter.
 
Obviously the chance of relapse is present. That said it sounds like he is doing well. I wouldn't let fear of a hypothetical relapse prevent you from trying out the relationship.
 
hyroller said:
Only self-professed addict I dated only ever feigned addiction where the case could be anything but. My ex fiance still counts as a pipehead. I'd say keep them separate. My ex would have had even more fun being my party buddy (so long as I was paying) and my former fiance just about fits the same bill. At some point I had to have been happy though. Strolling through chapel street is a memory each has demarcated unto himself. I think whilst it was stifling I enjoyed a summer romance more than a winter hookup, which is ultimately what the fiance deal spilled over from. I need to be wary in winter.
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I don't understand this post at all.
 
There is something special about the chemical reaction/response created by MethAMP. Many meth users are sex addicts who use meth for the response, and many sex addicts find comfort in methamphetamine. There is the possibility that he has never had sex "clean", or that it has been quite some time. Talk about feelings of insecurity and inadequacy?!?!...when an external substance was used to create a response that was 20 times more powerful than an orgasm, clean sex can be a learning experience. I guide the guys I sponsor to be open and honest with their prospective partner(s) about their thoughts and feelings (fears, insecurities, ect), prior to, and post engaging in sexual activity. Open dialogue can be extremely therapeutic. Sex can be such a emotional trigger that open discussion of it is the only solution that I have witnessed consistently work. Just like everything else in life, there are few, if any, guarantees.
 
No one can make anyone Clean or Sober!! It is just how we are wired, and only the addict has the ability to Choose how he will respond to Life on life terms> I have been left and I have left people in sobriety that challenged my clean time!! I would say that you are doing all you both can, I do not know your age, but your actions seem like very adult ones to me. As long as you communicate to him your feelings, and you feel he is doing the same, thats the best it gets
Good luck
IE : addict married to a civilian 27 years:love:
 
jdfisse said:
There is something special about the chemical reaction/response created by MethAMP. Many meth users are sex addicts who use meth for the response, and many sex addicts find comfort in methamphetamine. There is the possibility that he has never had sex "clean", or that it has been quite some time. Talk about feelings of insecurity and inadequacy?!?!...when an external substance was used to create a response that was 20 times more powerful than an orgasm, clean sex can be a learning experience. I guide the guys I sponsor to be open and honest with their prospective partner(s) about their thoughts and feelings (fears, insecurities, ect), prior to, and post engaging in sexual activity. Open dialogue can be extremely therapeutic. Sex can be such a emotional trigger that open discussion of it is the only solution that I have witnessed consistently work. Just like everything else in life, there are few, if any, guarantees.
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Thank you... I value your experienced perspective.

I'm thinking he may not be ready for the kind of relationship I want and that I can offer. I tend to be more romantic and feelings based, although don't get me wrong I enjoy passionate sex too. His history of meth is indeed tied to a lot of sex parties and stuff like that. The gay community is rife with it. I don't know... maybe I'm in over my head here. I've worked in HR for a long time but I myself am not an addict and I haven't had major forays into the addiction recovery community.

A primary obstacle I am having is that he doesn't really talk about his feelings or what's going on inside him, and check-ins are awkward. I can accept anyone for where they're at and I have total respect and admiration for him for having made it out the other side of what he went through... but in terms of risking my heart, I dunno. I am already experiencing limitations in how the relationship can be expressed.

FWIW I have dated addicts in the past. Our relationship would be fairly low key and then when they did MDMA or meth they would suddenly be declaring their undying love for me and the relationship would go 10x deeper.
 
What do you mean check ins? Are you a professional and he a client in some kind of nental health program?
 
cj said:
What do you mean check ins? Are you a professional and he a client in some kind of nental health program?
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I mean relationship check ins... like hey, how do you think things are going between us? Do you like me? Do you want this to continue / progress into something more? Do you want to just be friends? That kind of thing. Like we have been doing a lot of stuff that I would consider boyfriendy, but then when I finally asked him how he felt about me, he said he didn't think there was chemistry... and yet things between us are good, we enjoy each other's company, have a lot in common, and we hang out fairly often?

I'm finding the messages very confused and it's hard to check in with him because he doesn't seem very in touch with his emotions, or at least, he seems less emotionally involved.
 
Foreigner said:
Like we have been doing a lot of stuff that I would consider boyfriendy, but then when I finally asked him how he felt about me, he said he didn't think there was chemistry...
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Things sounded fine until this... I would move on then unless you want to waste your time on someone who doesn't feel the same.
 
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