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Advice for making friends?

TheAppleCore

TheAppleCore

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 14, 2007
Messages
5,510
I know there's no easy answer to this question, but I'll post it anyway, just in case I get some useful feedback.

Improving my social isolation is one of my goals at the moment, but it's kind of hard to get the ball rolling. I've come up with a few decent strategies to meet people, but I always end up backing down.

For example, there's a music festival a couple hours from where I live in May, which I'd like to attend to meet some fellow EDM enthusiasts, but I think I'd have to drive. I have a lot of driving anxiety because I just don't feel that my brain is wired for driving. I get distracted by my own thoughts extremely easily. I've been that way since I was in grade school, when my teachers noticed I had a lot of trouble paying attention in class. I'm grateful that I was born with this attribute, because I think it's an indispensable tool for creativity and problem-solving, but it makes it hard to participate in ordinary society. I don't have confidence in my ability to safely operate a vehicle, which just makes the problem even worse. So, the end result is that my driving anxiety combined with a preexisting social phobia is enough to sway me to give up and stay home, and continue to be isolated. Ironically, if I already had a friend who would be interested in carpooling with me to the event, I would be a lot more relaxed about it than I am about going alone.

How should I navigate my phobias and limitations to have a rich social life?
 
Have you ever checked into meetup.com? I have no idea how it is but I like the idea because it isn't about dating--it's about meeting people with similar interests and doing things with that group. I've been to the cinema when the whole thing was filled up with a group that turned out to be a film meet-up group. It was funny because the person next to me turned to me and asked if it was my first time and introduced himself. At first I was totally confused...did he think that at age 62 this was my first time going to a film?=D When he explained what the group was it made more sense. He also said that the group originally met up to go to films and then go out and discuss afterwards but that a lot of them had branched out into hiking together. I'm sure it's like any group--a mixed bag--but it might be worth a try seeing who shows up in your area.

Another idea is volunteer work around a passion or interest. If anxiety is a problem it can really help to have an actual job to do so that the conversation is secondary to the tasks you are performing.

But really the best thing that you can do for yourself is to work on social phobia/anxiety. I know that it can be infuriating to hear that it is just a construct in your head, but it really is. I say that as someone that struggled with it and overcame it over time. It takes strategies, specific therapies and consistent practice but before you know it you have changed the internal monologue that has been so debilitating. The irony of social phobia is that it is epidemic but through self-isolation it is possible to convince yourself that everyone else is feeling at ease and out there having fun. One of the best strategies for me was becoming a better observer of those around me, recognizing how often I could sense their anxiety and forgetting about my own by trying to make them feel more at ease.

Good luck with your efforts. Friendships take time and work but most of all they take trust. Work on your own issues with trust and everything will fall into place a lot easier.<3
 
I was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which is a form of high-functioning autism. I am very socially anxious, and find it difficult to converse one-on-one with people I don't know very well, I sometimes misread social cues or say something offensive to someone when I never meant it to be at all offensive.

I have always had friends, and don't have much trouble making them, but that isn't to say it doesn't come at a cost - I feel thoroughly exhausted after a days socializing and have found that 'down-time' (like reading or video games or movies or tv) is imperative to my mental health.

What I'm getting at is the diagnoses of Asperger's was like a water-shed moment and helped to explain so much of what had happened in my life.

Obviously I'm NOT saying you have Asperger's, I've never met you and even if I had I'm not qualified to make a diagnoses.

However, it is perhaps worth thinking about talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist about your social phobias. That, in my opinion, should be your first step.

To navigate social phobias and limitations, as you put it, you need to seek professional help from somebody who specializes in that field - you never know, maybe it will change your life like seeking professional help changed mine.

Peace :)
 
imho making friends is not an event but a process. making acquaintances is easy but are they really friends if you're in a pinch and would feel uncomfortable reaching out to them? i've gotten along great with so many people who never reached friendship status simply because we didn't trust each other enough to ever become the first resort in situations, and if there's always someone else to fill that void then it can prevent people with a strong existing circle of friends from including you in that circle.

going to events is an opportunity to meet acquaintances that might, through time, turn into actual friendships, but IME there's slim-to-none chance of leap-frogging clear over the acquaintanceship phase without investing the time necessary to grow bonds of trust.

obviously none of this has anything to do with the question: "how do i meet people?" but i think it is central to answering the question being initially asked, which is "how do i make friends?" meeting people is just the first step, but if you think that's hard then how prepared are you for the journey that lies between point-of-contact and true friendship?
 
Just as a parenthetical bit of advice from some personal experiences of mine that really hurt: if drugs are a big part of your life, as I remember they being when last we communicated here although that was soem years ago now, you'll probably meet people through the drug culture, and it's quite likely you'll find some of them very easy to get along with, especially taking drugs together and the [quite often false] sense of openness and connectedness to one or another - even without involving MDMA/psychedelics or whatever, just being a part of the subculture together creates a certain type of bond. These bonds (drug-induced or induced by participation in exciting and illegal which D2/NE/etc releasing and reinforcing much like drugs ...) can accelerate the development of the friendship and skip over some of the steps that are about setting a foundation, leading to a connection that can be mutually unhealthy and also a trust that can be misplaced; one very hurtful manifestation of the latter is people quit drugs, their [ur=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDxNcaS-yck]drug buddies[/url] are nowhere to be found, or are less supportive.

As to better ways to make friends, some good suggestions are above. Thujone's differentiation between "meeting people" and "making friends" is particularly astute. Needless to say, the latter depends on the former, but the latter is a more organic process; "one does not simply ..." It's not really something that you could undertake just out of wanting friends, the building of a friendship, like a romance, is something that takes place between individuals over time as feelings develop for one another (different sorts of feelings, of course) ... but he first thing to do, of course, is to meet people and practice engaging them.Deeper connections like friendship and romance can come from here but can't be pushed (that's why my first paragraphs emphasizes not pushing through drug use which could go for a lot of different kinds of short cuts.
 
Thank you very much for your thoughtful replies!

The distinction between meeting people and making friends makes a lot of sense. Meeting people itself is a struggle for me, though. Frankly, the fraction of human beings on this planet whose company I actually enjoy is pretty slim. I want to find people who can really teach me something; who can really be inspirations, and role models. I don't want to hang with the average party-goer. I want to absorb the wisdom of people who have made great strides in achieving ambitious goals. So I find myself with jaded expectations, hence lacking motivation to meet people in the first place. That's why I often find myself reaching out to bloggers, musicians, and writers that I respect; the problem is, these people aren't interested in meeting with a random fan, so obviously I'm always ignored. :( Which is understandable.

Your warning about artificial bonds through drug use is appreciated, SKL, but I have to be honest and admit that I kind of want to meet people through the drug scene. I'm so tired of having to subdue that dimension of my life around other people. People that aren't interested in drugs don't really enjoy talking about them or hanging out with people on drugs, even if they are reasonably open-minded. I still do trip a lot. I guess what I want more than anything is just to have some buddies to trip with on the weekends, instead of always tripping alone.
 
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TheAppleCore said:
I want to find people who can really teach me something; who can really be inspirations, and role models. I don't want to hang with the average party-goer. I want to absorb the wisdom of people who have made great strides in achieving ambitious goals. So I find myself with jaded expectations, hence lacking motivation to meet people in the first place. That's why I often find myself reaching out to bloggers, musicians, and writers that I respect; the problem is, these people aren't interested in meeting with a random fan, so obviously I'm always ignored. :( Which is understandable.
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This sounds a lot like where I'm at.

I have for the most part lost contact with previous friends; this has been by choice because I want to separate myself from those with no goals or ambition.. as I reach my late twenties I'm starting to appreciate the value of time much more and how I spend that time and the honest truth is I just don't have the patience to be around people that aren't striving towards self-improvement. This is not to insult their lifestyle choices, but for what I want out of life right now is at odd's their's.. There seems to be a major upheaval in friendships and relationships around the 27-32 range.

As a result.. I find I read a lot of bloggers who write on location independence, lifestyle and business. But as for personal interaction, I don't have much of that happening. My geographic location also makes it hard because of it's isolation to the rest of the world. I think it comes down to really ironing out your interests and ambitions and then finding people in that circle through events, websites etc.

TheAppleCore said:
Your warning about artificial bonds through drug use is appreciated, SKL, but I have to be honest and admit that I kind of want to meet people through the drug scene. I'm so tired of having to subdue that dimension of my life around other people. People that aren't interested in drugs don't really enjoy talking about them or hanging out with people on drugs, even if they are reasonably open-minded. I still do trip a lot. I guess what I want more than anything is just to have some buddies to trip with on the weekends, instead of always tripping alone.
Click to expand...

I had this for a couple of years where I found myself involved in the local Psytrance scene and had people to regularly trip with on the weekends out in the forest or sometimes at a house. It was an opportunity to explore that dimension to it's absolute fullest extent, but like SKL mentioned.. once I did pull myself out of the haze years later I realized those friendships despite the intensity and complexity of sharing psychedelic experiences were overall quite superficial. I have become quite jaded with that whole scene so maybe I'm not the best person to listen to.. but for all the emphasis on open-mindedness, sharing, love etc.. once you see through the facade there's a lot of selfishness and narcissism.
 
Since you can't drive, where can you walk to meet other people? Volunteer, work-out classes, cooking classes, anything really to get out into the community. I think it's hard to meet people in the drug scene, especially randomly. Try the forums.. lol. Or is there like a rave forum? Maybe? Hm, another place would be AA or NA or whatever.. I knew people who would go to those meetings to try and make new connects. :o

To work on yourself and social anxiety, find a therapist! They are usually covered by insurance, $15ish co pay for an hour. It might be nice for you to be able to talk to someone else, a professional, not be judged, and get some other options or other ways to deal with the anxiety.
 
I too have a hard time driving. I have OCD and my mind races when I get behind the wheel of a vehicle because all I can think about are all the things that can go wrong. I also live in a city with very poor bus service. I have my license, but I stopped taking benzos and I can control my anxiety most of the time, but for some reason driving is just too hard.

The biggest piece of advice that I can give you is to go to those festivals. They are so much fun and you can meet some genuinely cool people. I always had quite a bit of fun at the 3day camping events. Usually by the afternoon of the second day all of my tent neighbors were hanging out around a central campfire sharing our food and booze.

I also wholeheartedly agree with crzydiamond about the therapy. Therapy has really helped me get past a lot of issues, and I attribute my ability to not need benzos all the time anymore to doing CBT.
 
here's something really simple you can work on & do, that's concrete advice: put effort into remember other people's names. A lot of people put 0 effort into actually remembering names and that baffles me. People get flattered (even if it may be subconsciously) by having someone remember their name. Once you know just a couple people you can start using their social ties to make more friends and acquaintances.
 
Just be yourself. You have to be able to carry a conversation and tbph just say you are a bit nervous if you are. I guess you gotta figure out what your interests are.

I had a great time going out and seeing live music that I enjoyed. I was a bit strapped for cash so I snuck into clubs where one of us would pay and sneak past the bouncers and insist we paid, sneak in through a window or back door.

I hit up some type of EDM show just about every weekend. Usually I managed to go see some punk or heavy metal shows which were a bit cheaper. The cover on EDM is higher because people buy less alcohol. I think punk rock or heavy metal is about the only thing I could enjoy sober as I am a fucking drug addict.

For me being an honest person goes a very long way. I don't steal or cheat. I was very shy after suffering from panic attacks and ptsd from my childhood. Once I got away from my family things got better for me. I did have to go on benzodiazpines which I really can't recomend because now I am a seizure risk and shitty people always ask for some if they know you take it.

I suppose I keep my drugs to myself unless I chill with people who are generous and then I reciprocate.

9/10s of the people I chill with are the opposite sex and well I am cool with being friends with a woman even if I am attracted to her. I do not force myself on anyone but I do find it quite easy to have sex. I have been rather promiscuos for a long time and well other people will hate you for it but once again that is not my problem and not their business. So jealousy is a mothefucker.

I guess try to avoid bullshit people. Give respect where it is due and if you do not get respect just do not associate with that type of person. Stand up for yourself. Be your own person.

Do not judge people. If a man has sex with alot of woman he is a player and if a woman does she is a slut? Fuck that. I am in no position to judge. I just try to be the type of person I would want to be around.

Anyways life is a series of progression and do not let it pass you by. Do not dwell on your past or your problems because there are solutions to just about anything if you have the courage. I would personally never compromise myself or my morals and that is that. I never back down from a fight but I do know when to run like hell.

I suppose I have lived hard and come from rather ghetto circumstances but I left that shit behind. It took me a long time to let go of the attitude that comes along with being in the correctional system and the culture that comes along with it.

People started respecting me even more when I straight up made it public that I liked to draw, was into fashion, and have no problem cutting and sewing my clothing. Some people think or say I am a homosexual and I honestly just laugh at that because I pretty much always have a woman in my life.

But just hold in there and you should be doing just fine.
 
TheAppleCore said:
I know there's no easy answer to this question, but I'll post it anyway, just in case I get some useful feedback.

Improving my social isolation is one of my goals at the moment, but it's kind of hard to get the ball rolling. I've come up with a few decent strategies to meet people, but I always end up backing down.

For example, there's a music festival a couple hours from where I live in May, which I'd like to attend to meet some fellow EDM enthusiasts, but I think I'd have to drive. I have a lot of driving anxiety because I just don't feel that my brain is wired for driving. I get distracted by my own thoughts extremely easily. I've been that way since I was in grade school, when my teachers noticed I had a lot of trouble paying attention in class. I'm grateful that I was born with this attribute, because I think it's an indispensable tool for creativity and problem-solving, but it makes it hard to participate in ordinary society. I don't have confidence in my ability to safely operate a vehicle, which just makes the problem even worse. So, the end result is that my driving anxiety combined with a preexisting social phobia is enough to sway me to give up and stay home, and continue to be isolated. Ironically, if I already had a friend who would be interested in carpooling with me to the event, I would be a lot more relaxed about it than I am about going alone.

How should I navigate my phobias and limitations to have a rich social life?
Click to expand...
Be yourself.
 
I've always had an easy time making friends, and the more time I've spent on Bluelight, the more I realize that that really isn't the norm as you become an adult. So I'm trying to think about why that is, because I'd like to be able to help, because it makes me really sad when I hear about people not being able to form close friendships after they grow up. One thing I always do is just be myself... I behave like I would around the people who I am closest to, around everyone. I try to be as open as possible. People are on guard around new people, so if you can break through peoples' guard, that helps a lot. I try to make people laugh... laughter is a really quick and easy way to lower other peoples' guards.

If I think about it, I think lowering your own guard is probably a really big part of it. People can sense when you're guarded, and they won't lower their guard.

The OP mentioned going to a festival... IME, festivals are among the very best places to make friends, because at festivals, it feels like a different world. it's very easy to be yourself (compared to the world at large) at a festival... I never feel so outgoing as when I am at a music festival.

It also helps tremendously to get involved in something that you love doing. For me, I'm a musician. I find it very easy to make friends with other musicians, and most of my friends are musicians. I find it really easy to make friends with musicians. It's also really easy to make friends with the friends of friends.

It also helps if you're confident in who you are. It also helps if you are willing to see the best in people, instead of expecting to see the worst.

I don't know, I've met a lot of shit people, but I also meet people all the time who aren't shit. I think a lot of the time, it's a matter of perspective. You see what you expect to see in the world.
 
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