Yeah I've had a shit childhood, and too many mental illnesses to ever have decent life circumstances. I can't get into a relationship (rejected at every turn), no friends want to see me after hanging out with me twice, family who invalidate my feelings and trigger anxiety whenever they are present, completely afraid of any social interaction (they make me feel much worse both during and after the interaction). I am severely mentally ill, one of rare cases. I actively yearn for death and would have committed suicide long ago, but I have very firm religious beliefs about suicide leading to hellfire and therefore much greater torment (I've researched the topic for 10 years and this is the only conclusion that I can reach). This is why I resorted to drug use, no desire to live (except out of fear of what's beyond) and complete learned helpnessness. I need to be institutionalized, but the government in my country has destroyed the health service, and private treatment is out of reach for anyone besides the wealthiest.
Honestly thanks for your suggestions, my posts here will have a bad and negative tone due to how miserable I currently am. I can't do therapy, I have intermittent catatonia and social phobia. Can't leave the house without a drug, the last therapist said that it was pointless due to how I'm just completely unresponsive. I can't go without meds, everytime I drop the dose I become suicidal and my catatonia worsens. Absolutely unbearable. This is not a withdrawal issue, I tested that. It gets worse months after reducing the dose. Thanks for your advice on trimipramine, I suppose I should do that, but I will need to find a substitute. I think at this point, I may have to resort to olanzapine or something similar as I'm not left with many options besides something like opiates. Tried quetiapine and it was absolutely horrible for me, made my depression, dysphoria and anhedonia much worse. The trouble with antipsychotics is that they usually have horrendous side effects long term. Most long term users of antipsychotics that I have spoken to have said that they have done more harm than good. I think the catatonia might be responsible for my treatment resistance. Catatonia is present in 10% of psychiatric patients, and is almost always overlooked and missed unless the person has it severely. The treatment for catatonia is different. The algorithm is benzodiazepines -> ECT -> memantine/amantadine -> valproate/carbamazepine -> olanzapine/aripiprazole. Usually, they say that antipsychotics should be avoided in catatonic patients because they often make the situation worse.
I've been considering kava kava for a while, so that's a good point. It's just so expensive and on welfare benefits due to mental disability, so it is very difficult for me to fund these things.
