Mental Health ADD Slowly Destroying Me... Need Help

[volcanik01]

Thank you for taking the time to read, I greatly appreciate ANY advice...

I've came to believe I have severe ADD based only from what I've read online, I hope someone here can point me in the right direction to get any sort of treatment...

School:

I'm 23 years old right now but I want to take back to the beginning.

Since I was in Pre-K I was a very distributive child and would not listen or follow the instructions of day care workers and my mother told me they asked her to take me to a psychologist but my mother angrily denied because I was just "a kid doing what kids do".

Moving on starting elementary school since Kindergarten-5th, I've never had good grades, barely scraping by, behavior problems also going through the roof. I still have a couple of my agendas from school - what the teachers would use to communicate info with parents, who would then sign them off confirming they received it. Reading through old agendas now is quite hilarious actually, sometimes up to 3 complaints in a single week, anything from: flicking boogers, throwing scissors, cutting off my eyelashes, standing on the bathroom sink... sooo many notes....

Now middle school, same issues, different consequences. Was getting detention and suspended often now, even got expelled from the YMCA. The bad grades hit worse this time by causing a lot of stress, I needed to pass because I feared my Dad like no other... but even the fear of him is not enough to combat my overwhelming laziness, but I did it again with every strength me and graduated barely getting by academically.

and now Highschool... going good for the first year and half then I started smoking a lot of weed and this killed my motivation completely. It was 2 weeks before graduation the guidance counselor called my Mom said I wasn't going to be graduating because I was missing two required classes: English IV and Biology. It took a lot but I managed to convince her it had to be a mistake. The fear of my Dad kicked in again so I had to do something. I bought an external keylogger and basically the rest is history. I don't want to go into detail but I did get access into the school's network administration and simply added my credits required, no GPA change was needed I managed to get a 2.033 GPA.

After that I made it to community college horribly failing by my second semester unable/unwilling to keep up with the homework I lost my FASFA ending my college career due to no money and starting the next chapter of my life as an employee...

Work Life:

Starting the work life was thrilling because I never got money, I was excited and enjoyed it. The motivation quickly dissipated though... for each job... I've had soo many I can't even count them all at this point. From my almost ALL supervisors perspective I was a stellar employee but then my work ethic starts gradually fade. Majority of my jobs I've been fired due to attendance issues. Getting out of bed in the morning is a chore for me I am just the laziest person... I don't have any will to fight it, no matter how many times I tell myself I will and I have to before I go to sleep, when that alarm rings I snooze it... a lot...

TL;DR Why I Self Diagnosed:

Extreme procrastination, absolutely no willpower at all and will set off the most simple tasks for days on end. This also destroyed my credit and financial life.
I never made my bed or did laundry my entire life until I was 22. I make the bed now though very inconsistent with it, but I've only ever done I'd say less than 10-15 loads of laundry.
It takes so much strength and effort in me focusing to do even simple tasks that I am not interested in.
I cannot and have not maintained proper sleep/wake schedule or routine since 6th grade at 11 years old. (Writing this now at 3:52 AM)
I make a lot of costly in-the-moment decisions.
I can't wake up to an Alarm... or even a power saw. Workers doing construction at my house one time cut a 1ft x 1ft square hole from the bathroom to my room and I woke up extremely confused as to what had happened... my family filled me in later.
Even going online, e-mails and logins? So many yet each for the same provider

I can keep going but I just feel so defeated typing this...

I've tried making an appointment with a couple different psychs but you know of course I missed the appointments lol. So they banned from becoming new patient from their practices.

So after recommendation, I tried experimenting with adderall ir / xr in different doses and it is honestly is the miracle cure. My mother has complimented me many times while on adderall and she didn't even know - on doing simple tasks anyone normal would do. They are just so hard to come by without a script so idk what to do?

I tried drug-free ADD therapy lessons I found online, nothing. What should I do??

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Hmm.

I'd try to make it to an appointment.

I can't diagnose but i have similar issues but i don't have an ADD diagnosis. I use street amphetamines recreationally and probably would be diagnosed if i didn't have substance abuse on my record.

So if it DOES help, get that psychiatrist. Don't take it into your own hands because you'll likely over do it and potentially become reliant of psychologically dependant on them.

 

[mr peabody]

Maybe have a look here :

ADHD | +50 articles

Microdosing and ADHD by Tyler Durden | Zero Hedge The high pressure startup culture of the Bay Area leads many participants to view their bodies and brains as machines to be optimised using all of the tools available, meditation, yoga, Soylent, intermittent fasting, so-called smart drugs...

www.bluelight.org

 

[G_Chem]

I’d also suggest looking into dietary changes as well. Do you consume a lot of sugar? Especially at night?

-GC

 

[Vastness]

You've become self aware of this issue fairly early which is good. I really do identify with a lot of what you say, as far as your immense motivational deficit, for sure I have experienced that myself for long periods and do still.

I will say firstly that there is no such thing as laziness, this is important to understand (IMO) in order to accept yourself and your struggles - although you must be careful of course not to turn this awareness into an excuse not to deal with your condition.

Secondly - I think you need to find some purpose to being alive, some reason to do the things that are necessary to do to function in this world. What motivates you? Some things do, obviously, I will say your efforts to graduate from high school were unconventional innovative, morally dubious in some ways perhaps but clearly demonstrates that you have some innate ability to motivate yourself when circumstances absolutely require it - although fear is not a reliably sustainable motivator, you need something other than this.

I say this not having quite figured this out myself - and it's not a perfect solution... I've tried a few things. At one point my purpose was to become physically fit, ostensibly for altruistic reasons, but probably for ego reasons really. More recently my purpose was to become an activist for drug policy reform. I was pretty motivated for a while but... my motivation waned, as it always seems to. Right now my purpose is to resolve a difficult work situation by working hard to remove the reason for my own job and set up a few side-incomes for myself in the meantime... I've set myself a target by Christmas.. or 2021... at the moment I'm pretty motivated so we'll see how long it lasts. I'm also on amphetamine right now so there's that.

I think some of what you mention can be addressed more easily than other things. You mention you've done 10-15 loads of laundry or less. Presumably your clothes are getting washed...? Or are you throwing them away and getting new ones? Who is doing your laundry if not this? Your mother? If so, as an adult, try to consider that your lack of attention to this is negatively impacting the lives of people other than your own. Basic household tasks such as this can be the stepping stone to more completely organising your mind. Try to set a schedule. Write down what you need to do on a whiteboard, notepad, whatever works. Set reminders on your phone. Make your bed even if you do nothing else useful that day, but try to do something else too. I mention this because the recognition that our own actions are negatively impacting the lives of others - who have their own struggles to deal with as well - can be a good motivator if you've never really thought about it before. Or even if you have - the principle of trying to think about what you can do for others rather than what you can do for yourself is very often a solid path to a greater clarity about your own purpose.

Medication is a dubious road, especially starting so young, I've been trying to self medicate a motivational deficit for years now with milder substances than amphetamines - although I did try amphetamines recently - and they worked fantastically well of course. But they are not sustainable, for me, I think. Cycling modafinil, phenylpiracetam, phenibut, burns me out from time to time and I've developed some weird health anxieties very recently after doing this for probably 5 years... before that I used piracetam, oxiracetam, caffeine, noopept... these latter class I think are actually not harmful in any real sense and I think you should try them before you jump straight into hard amphetamines. Don't expect to be blown away if you've done other stimulant drugs - but remember - the goal isn't to get high - the goal isn't to remove all struggle - life is struggle, often, always, for everyone. But the goal is to make things just a little bit easier for yourself in any way you can.

I'm hardly one to listen to despite the fact I seem to be giving a spiel of advice... but also just try to be grateful. Every day, try to think of reasons that you're grateful to be alive. For me, my ADD manifests often as a sense of entitlement, I think. Like, WHY do I have to struggle so much? WHY do I have to do these things I don't want to? I personally find it helpful to view these things are a kind of immaturity, which they are... the universe owes you nothing, and if you're posting on the internet, if you have the luxury to even think you might have AD(H)D... you're lucky. Try to remember how lucky you are, and remind yourself that you're doing the things you need to do as an expression of gratitude for everything you have - gratitude to the people you love in your life, for you will be a pleasant person to be around if you train yourself to think this way - gratitude to a spiritual entity if you're so inclined (I'm presuming you are not, but point is that gratitude doesn't need to be directed at anything specific). Gratitude to yourself for making this thread, for looking for solutions, to try to be a better person.

One more point of advice before I recommend a book I read which I really enjoyed. Set up systems. Make lists of things you need to do and iterate through them. If I don't write a list for my day... my day is fucked. This is a work in progress, a lot of shit in my life is still haphazard as fuck, but many things I keep organised, and this really helps things to seem less overwhelming.

Anyway... I suggest reading "Scattered Minds" by Gabor Mate if you haven't already, this book resonated with me so much, and Gabor has such a rational, compassionate approach to thinking about AD(H)D symptoms.

Also - final suggestion - meditate. I know, I know, it sucks. I know how difficult it is. It may be even more difficult for you than it was for me, our struggles are not equivalent of course - but you have an advantage that you've realised you need to deal with this early. Your brain is still developing until much later than most people think, 25 is the oft quoted figure but personally I felt like I could feel changes in my ability to regulate my thoughts even into my late twenties... obviously I made an effort to get better at doing this too.. which helped... but, for me, when I was younger if someone told me my brain was still growing and things might well get easier, it would have helped. Sorry, back to my point - meditate. Really, really try to commit. Meditate on public transport (if you take it) or waiting for stuff instead of just getting your phone out or whatever. Just meditate for a minute in the morning. If you want further advice on this I'd be happy to offer it but there's a lot you can read about online. After a while - it will suck less - and after a while if you still at it - although it's not a magic pill, and if you're not living like a monk there may well be a ceiling to it's effectiveness... when you're really struggling to motivate yourself you can look at the chaos within your mind, step back from it, pick a strand of purpose, and follow it to the path of getting something you need to do done. And then repeat.

Finally... you probably do need to get professional help, please do try to make an appointment and stick to it. I have missed a good few appointments in my time with mental health professionals I felt were not helping me... but keep trying, this will be a hard thing to resolve alone.

 

[Moses1]

You need a good boss and a good psychiatrist, both of which should be relatively familiar with you (including fuckups, etc)--at least most of my jobs that last beyond the short term involve a system similar to that. good chance meds could help too but I strongly agree you're much better off having a doc in charge of your meds than trying to sort it out yourself, plus shouldn't it be cheaper that way? It's really intimidating to approach a head doctor you don't know to describe very personal mental health issues, knowing you plan to ask for a prescription for a drug that you know some people have problems with. To be honest, I second-guessed myself in that situation for years, up until i moved to a country that required me to get thorough testing to get medicated. It was awesome to just not worry whether or not i was justified in being ADD. At least if you're lucky though, that effort to start talking to a decent doc will be toughest thing and you'll find someone that will help, listen, and give you meds :D believe me, these people see more fucked up people than you and are unlikely to be shocked if you open up. i've had some pretty bad problems with painkillers, not to mention alcohol, that my psychiatrist knows about and i still get the dexamphetamine and temazepam that allowed me to sleep and study before i came clean--main change was just he wanted to see me more often to be able to keep track and help better, and of course to keep track of how i take meds that could be addictive. hard to argue with that, i doubt my life will turn out shittier in the end because doc wanted to look after me and be careful.

 

[JoEhJoEh]

Go and see a specialist for ADHD in adults and get a real diagnose. Sometimes there are comorbidities you did not know from and you have to get the correct medication to feel better and believe me - the world looks different when you have a good doctor you can (honestly, also about drugs and so on) talk about everything.

Unfortunately there are not a lot of real specialists in ADHD in adults, so I would recommend going to a bigger hospital with an ambulance for ADHD in adults. They understand what you mean instead of other physicians staring at you with an open mouth. Otherwise I would call a specialist in adult ADHD and let me get addresses I can attend. There are more and more

ADHD is not sooo bad, it's just a pain in the arse. You will survive :D

JJ

 

[Rebelgal54]

@volcanik01 It definitely sounds like you have a lot of the symptoms of ADHD. In order to be diagnosed, an adult needs five or more of the inattention symptoms or five or more of the hyperactivity symptoms. It sounds like you have at least five of the inattentive symptoms: forgetful in daily activities, trouble paying attention and staying on task, avoids or puts off long mental tasks, struggles to follow directions, and disorganization. The symptoms also need to be present in at least 2 settings, which for you would be both home and work, and need to be present for longer than 6 months.

Try to find another psychiatrist and be open about what you’re struggling with. (Do not mention you are self-medicating with Adderall!) If he/she does confirm the diagnosis, don’t be surprised if they want to put you on a non-stimulant form of medication, as many are steering in that direction now due to the addictive nature of amphetamines. You may find that something like Stattera works for you.

I struggled with late-diagnosed ADHD and was prescribed Adderall when I was in high school. Over the years my addiction caused me to not keep up with appointments and my doctor wouldn’t keep refilling my meds. I stopped going. Years later when I was in recovery (from opiates), I was really struggling with my ADHD. My new doctor refused to prescribe stimulants. She tried me on 3 different ones that were just not working for me, before finally putting me on Adderall.

If you truly have ADD, there’s no reason you can’t get a proper diagnosis and effective treatment. Be open minded, but don’t be afraid to speak up if their recommended treatment isn’t helping you.

 

[mr peabody]

Thank you for taking the time to read, I greatly appreciate ANY advice...

I tried drug-free ADD therapy lessons I found online, nothing. What should I do??

Sorry for your troubles. Maybe have a look here:

ADHD | +50 articles

Microdosing and ADHD by Tyler Durden | Zero Hedge The high pressure startup culture of the Bay Area leads many participants to view their bodies and brains as machines to be optimised using all of the tools available, meditation, yoga, Soylent, intermittent fasting, so-called smart drugs...

www.bluelight.org

 

[JoEhJoEh]

@volcanik01 It definitely sounds like you have a lot of the symptoms of ADHD. In order to be diagnosed, an adult needs five or more of the inattention symptoms or five or more of the hyperactivity symptoms. It sounds like you have at least five of the inattentive symptoms: forgetful in daily activities, trouble paying attention and staying on task, avoids or puts off long mental tasks, struggles to follow directions, and disorganization. The symptoms also need to be present in at least 2 settings, which for you would be both home and work, and need to be present for longer than 6 months.

Try to find another psychiatrist and be open about what you’re struggling with. (Do not mention you are self-medicating with Adderall!) If he/she does confirm the diagnosis, don’t be surprised if they want to put you on a non-stimulant form of medication, as many are steering in that direction now due to the addictive nature of amphetamines. You may find that something like Stattera works for you.

I struggled with late-diagnosed ADHD and was prescribed Adderall when I was in high school. Over the years my addiction caused me to not keep up with appointments and my doctor wouldn’t keep refilling my meds. I stopped going. Years later when I was in recovery (from opiates), I was really struggling with my ADHD. My new doctor refused to prescribe stimulants. She tried me on 3 different ones that were just not working for me, before finally putting me on Adderall.

If you truly have ADD, there’s no reason you can’t get a proper diagnosis and effective treatment. Be open minded, but don’t be afraid to speak up if their recommended treatment isn’t helping you.

Yes, Strattera is the only non-stimulant and it helps many people. My psych also tried Omega 6 and 12 acids first or Equazen which combines everything your brain needs to function well. I have taken all the meds that are on the market and it's not because of the drug because I never have done speed ( I'm speedy by myself ), but I'm taking Amphetaminsulfate for 7 or 8 years now. After that horrible tries with all the others - but there are not a lot of meds against ADHS; Methylphenidate; Amphetaminsulfate, sometimes they prescribe meds that contains methamphetamin, but very very seldom. Then Strattera ( I don't know what the ingredients are) and period.The Amphetaminsulfate was the only med that works with no side effects. I don't even know it is in my body :D It just makes my day easier. But I just take it for work, not on the weekend or on holidays.
Now my psych told me because of the depression that Escitalopram and Amphetamin are a common thing to prescribe and I will see I will get better after only a few days.

I tried it out. A day with. A day without and so on... and he is right - the combi is helping me a lot with the depression, even the dose is tiny.

JJ

 

[Moses1]

Shit, I had written you the better part of a wall of text trying to help before PC crashed :D I'll try to distill it quick: in a perfect world you'd benefit from both a boss and a psychiatrist that understood the kinda stuff you're going through and that you felt ok talking too. At least most jobs that have lasted for me beyond short term seem to be ones where boss is familiar with my inevitable occasional screwups (like compulsively showing up late) but also knows if I do good work in a clutch situation. I get that it can feel scary to approach a doctor you don't know to talk about very personal problems while knowing that you hope to get treated with medication that's addictive for some people--I felt same way and feels more normal than weird; I never completely got rid of that feeling until I moved to a country that required serious psychological testing to get medicated and could finally feel confident it wasn't just in my head. But if you can get to the point where you can be mostly open with a doctor that's a mostly understanding person than you'll be a hell of a lot better off than trying to self-medicate and self-regulate via black market. These head docs see some crazy patients and are unlikely to be shocked about your struggles and history and if they figure out you got a condition that benefits from medicine they'll normally give you the treatment best known to work unless you give them a strong reason not to. In any case, best of luck sorting things out

EDIT: It might be useful to clarify my history: I started taking stimulants for ADD 18 years ago as a young adult, have had some years off, and overall it seems to have been quite helpful.

 

[Rebelgal54]

Yes, Strattera is the only non-stimulant and it helps many people. My psych also tried Omega 6 and 12 acids first or Equazen which combines everything your brain needs to function well. I have taken all the meds that are on the market and it's not because of the drug because I never have done speed ( I'm speedy by myself ), but I'm taking Amphetaminsulfate for 7 or 8 years now. After that horrible tries with all the others - but there are not a lot of meds against ADHS; Methylphenidate; Amphetaminsulfate, sometimes they prescribe meds that contains methamphetamin, but very very seldom. Then Strattera ( I don't know what the ingredients are) and period.The Amphetaminsulfate was the only med that works with no side effects. I don't even know it is in my body :D It just makes my day easier. But I just take it for work, not on the weekend or on holidays.
Now my psych told me because of the depression that Escitalopram and Amphetamin are a common thing to prescribe and I will see I will get better after only a few days.

I tried it out. A day with. A day without and so on... and he is right - the combi is helping me a lot with the depression, even the dose is tiny.

JJ

Yeah my psychiatrist also made me try clonidine and wellbutrin before finally caving on the Adderal.