I posted this over at advanced drug discussion, thought it would be relivent here
The end of my love affair with Dex
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I have made alot of posts in here regarding dex, dependence, and its effects on me. I have also made alot of posts here in crisis despretly seeking answers to my awful debilitating depression/borderline personality disorder.
The last time I posted I had disolved dexies in big water containers at the perscribed strength in the hope it would stop me abusing them....well, put it this way, I was drinking alot of water. It did work and help but I was always trying to be high....not just concentrate. I was always trying to escape myself.
One night I took like a quarter of a selegiline to try n get higher...didn't work. At 5am the next morning my flatmate found me sitting in the loungeroom crying my eyes out over a relationship that ended in april that I was still coming to terms with. It went on for about 5 hours. I bottomed so fucking hard, it was like the selegiline sucked every bit of dopamine from my brain and for the first time in 12 months, I wasn't manic.
I went through around a week of terribble depression and found out how few friends I had left, saw my life going nowhere and during this time....despite wrestling with suicide, I found, I was able to funtion, keep my room clean, organise my thoughts, and look at planning my life. It is also interesting to note that I hate zero desire for amphetamines after this where before I would not cope if I couldn't have them for a few days. I still dont have a desire for them. So, I tipped the last down the sink, found something in myself and vowed to move adhead with my life.
I am for more depressed now than I was when I kept myself manic on dexies but it is real now, I am in control, I am dealing with the issues in my life. I have started a course to become a personal trainer, something I have failed 5 times before but now that I am on a mood stabiliser (lamictal) I am kicking ass. I also realised my mothers negitive influence in my life and cut her out of it. I stopped questioning myself over the breakup and just got focused on the upcoming court case (he falsely charged me with assult).
Some people on here are big proponants of combining dex with a mood stabiliser.
I say people with affective disorders have no business fucking around with amphetamines.
I have lost so much to them, yet, they were a journey I needed to have and I have also grown so much and found my strength and I will always have that.
If anyone else is going through dependence issues with stimulants I hope this story helps
Beej
PS Over a year ago selegiline also got me off meth, highly reccomended, just have someone to keep you safe because as you can see, it is to tweekers what naloxone is to junkies.