Acid trip from hell - PTSD, Unrelenting anxiety, Please help me

[Badtripptsd]

Long story short I got stuck in a seriously disgusting thought loop on acid recently, about a month and a half ago. I was trapped in a timeless reality where I had to figure out why I had died, or what horrible thing had happened to me. It was terrifying. I completely lost myself in that trip. Since then I have ENDLESS anxiety.

I'm terrified. I still have thoughts like, "what if this life isn't real?", "what if I am dead and I'm just in denial and eventually i'll find myself back in that loop again?", "what if the people around me are trying to talk me into being dead or comfort me in a way so I can come to terms with whatever horrible thing happened?".

I can't make these thoughts stop. They take up the majority of my day. I spend my time constantly talking myself down telling myself that this is ridiculous and obviously they are just simple fears and they can't hurt me.

But I can't come to terms with the anxiety or the experience. Recently when I've been waking up my first thought goes to that loop and I'm so caught off guard by it being my first thought that it feels real. And so I wake up and instantly am bombarded with extreme anxiety.

Please someone help me through this? I've talked to my girlfriend and a few friends about it but I can't find any comfort at all. No matter how many times I tell myself this is all real and I am safe in my head and safe in this real world, I still find myself terrified that it will all collapse and I'll be in that hellish state of mind again.

8( Any help/advice/related experiences would really be appreciated.

 

[King-Anubis]

The best advice I can give you is to see a psychiatrist. The feeling I got when reading your post was that you're suffering from delusions. I could be wrong, but the fact that your both preoccupied and terrified by these belief, which you seem to be holding as truth - to some degree - indicates that there could be some underlying issue you need to tackle. If it isn't, I'm sure a psychiatrist would be able to provide medication which at least tackles the anxiety that is accompanying the beliefs. Stay away from any other drugs for the time being too, don't want to make anything worse.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey badtripp.. hey tripper.. sounds like you caught a rocket.. Hey, you are actually here, yep.. this is real.. sorry about the anxiety.. looks like you sent yourself for a bit.. dont worry you will float back down.. may take i little bit.. this may sound crazy.. but, start listening to the grateful dead. you may find you relate to this insane band a lot.. they started as the house band for the acid trips put on by Kesey .. just something to try.. give yourself some time.. stay away from all the drugs until you land back on earth.. consistent sleep, exercise, and no drugs for the time being.. and dont fight it.. YOU WANTED TO CHANGE YOUR WORLD AND YOU DID now you just have to make your world fit with your thinking..... role with it.. get out and travel.. hit the road.. you've spun yourself a little.. enjoy it.. you will come back wiser.. I did

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEniyvOtETc

MAY THE FOUR WIND BLOW YOU SAFELY HOME!!

edit: read

 

[Jnk]

I had a similar BAD trip, took 4 hits of window pane and never thought I was going to come down. I had to write in a notebook what I wanted to do the next day, and the next day I would read it and do it and do the same thing for the following day, and the one thing I would write for everyday is, I would tell myself I was going to be ok (the brain is a powerful thing) and after about a week, I realized, yea, Im writing these goals down, they are getting done and I can see the progress and that started to make me come back to normal and I will NEVER EVER take acid again. But try to journal and then follow up with it so you can see progress. Simple things like, leave a post it note on your bathroom mirror the night before that says "I am going to be ok" and when you wake up you will see that everyday and it starts to stick and you will get well.

 

[samsara607]

Hi. The first time I did acid, I had this exact same experience. I did 9 hits that night, and ended up going to my girlfriends house. I went downstairs with her to make a PB+J sandwich, came back upstairs, ate it, and then wanted another one. So i went back downstairs, made another one, and once I got back upstairs I was frozen in fear. I was tripping so hard that I thought I had died and was living this peanut butter and jelly moment over and over again. I felt as though I was dead, and my GF thankfully was there to convince me that I was not. However, in this moment also, besides the scariness of such a thought, I felt an overwhelming love from God. Since then I have been more interested in God's unconditional love and before this I was an atheist. Love is real, He is real. Maybe you can pray for some light on your anxiety? I will pray for you. Anyway, since this experience I've also been more interested in the whole ego-death, non duality sort of thing. Check out some books by Ramana Maharshi or thegreatestlieeverbelieved.com. If that tickles your fancy. Hope I've helped in some way, I know how scary it can be! Luckily I didn't really have the after anxiety. Is this real, are you dead? This is and is not real. And no, you are very much alive. You are in a timeless reality, but are not trapped. That's my opinion. Focus on your breathing when you get nervous like that again.

 

[Vaya]

That sounds like a truly terrifying experience, badtripptsd! I am truly sorry to hear this - that you are having such persistent, potent and lingering psychiatric disturbances afterwards.

Your user name, the 'bad trip' part - reminded me of something with regards to psychedelic drugs and one's self that used to stabilize me back when I still partook in drugs.

I would hear friends, acquaintances, strangers at parties, all discussing "bad trips" they'd had in the past. But in my mind, I believe that a 'bad trip,' in the common meaning of the phrase, actually refers not to a bad, but rather a difficult & challenging experience. There is one exception to that rule, though: a trip may very well have been bad if nothing were learnt from the experience.

Having said that, let me ask you - what with your aforementioned symptoms of anxiety and self-diagnosed PTSD, have the difficulties those emotions impose on your life lead you any closer to a more thorough understanding of what it s to be you?

I admit, I hardly feel qualified to recommend some kind of specific and particular intervention. I wish that, in that regard, I could be of more help. To help you view your current circumstances through a different lens, though, I'd like to point out that it has been my experience that without knowing my fears, anxieties and triggers, I can hardly say that I know myself. Your trip was undoubtedly traumatic, but the nail I'd like to drive in is that there was, perhaps, an lit matey pro adaptive reason why it happened.

 

[footscrazy]

I relate to this experience hugely. I had a bad trip (on mushrooms) and suffered from very similar worrying thoughts afterwards. I would completely obsess over whether I was real, where exactly I was located, whether I was just some consciousness floating around with nothing tangible to me, whether I could get stuck in eternity in a bad trip...and on and on. These thoughts would so engulf me that I would spend hours sitting still and trying to puzzle them out, becoming more and more panicked as I couldn't find an answer. I felt that I needed to find the answers, that it was more important than anything else. But, what ultimately helped me was looking at my anxiety as objectively as I could, and focusing on changing my reactions.

During this time I began practising mindfullness meditation, and I just can't overstate just how important and life changing this was. It can be as simple as focusing all your attention on your breath, and thinking to yourself, 'breathing in, breathing out'. It helped me focus my attention into the present. The nature of anxiety is that it commands your attention, and it tricks you into thinking that it will last forever. Much of the anxiety is fed off itself - by making you think you'll keep feeling like this into the future, and through you fighting it - trying to stop or change it. When you begin to live in the present, though, the future becomes of no consequence. The only thing that exists is the present moment - and even if you feel bad in this present moment - before you know it, that moment is gone. It lessens the power of anxiety when you simply observe it, sit with it and accept it. You know you only have to endure it for one moment - when the next moment comes, you can deal with it as it comes, with no preconceived notions of how you might feel. It's hard to explain - but it takes so much of the pressure away from anxiety, and the weight that was lifted off my shoulders because of this was amazing. I can't suggest strongly enough to do some research on mindfullness meditation, and give it a go. It is easy, and is probably the most important choice I have made in terms of my mental health.

Another method I found helpful was to set aside 15 or 20 minutes a day, or even less, when I would allow myself to consider all my obsessive, anxious thoughts. Then, when they came up other times during the day, I'd say to myself that I would consider them during the allotted time, but not now. All that considering the thoughts does is make you more anxious, but they are so hard to ignore. Knowing you have a specific time to think about them can make it a bit easier to put them aside for the moment.

As Vaya also said, although these experiences can feel so horrible, I do think they are learning experiences. I would never, ever want to go through that again, but that experience also allowed, or rather, forced me to confront my anxieties. What I learnt through it was invaluable, and I feel so much better off for going through it. I deconstructed my anxiety and I have control of it now. I am worlds apart from where I was before that experience, and I am so thankful for the developments I made. I think this experience can be used for amazing growth in your life. I wish you all the best.

 

[blahman8000]

You're here. You're alive. You're amongst us. Your username symbolizes that you feel you're stuck in an EXTREMELY severe rut, but I want you to know that there are those of us who have been there. You're in pain, but please don't let it defeat you. Let it teach you instead.

And as somewhere else advised, it really is a good idea to see a professional. Just like if I was physically ill, I'd see a doctor. Something happened to you. We all need help time to time, and you don't need to suffer. Get started on tackling this problem. Please keep us posted and work on getting well.

I have had a bad mushroom trip as well, and it did change my life, as many other experiences have. I've learned from it. I'm always in the development of who I am, and I was exposed to something I cannot describe. It did change me. But through the aftermath I developed strength. I still have my struggles, my weaknesses, but we grow and arrive at better places. I do recommend psychological help, and I also suggest not to be afraid of what your mind is capable of. It is you, and is on your side.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I relate to this experience hugely. I had a bad trip (on mushrooms) and suffered from very similar worrying thoughts afterwards. I would completely obsess over whether I was real, where exactly I was located, whether I was just some consciousness floating around with nothing tangible to me, whether I could get stuck in eternity in a bad trip...and on and on. These thoughts would so engulf me that I would spend hours sitting still and trying to puzzle them out, becoming more and more panicked as I couldn't find an answer. I felt that I needed to find the answers, that it was more important than anything else. But, what ultimately helped me was looking at my anxiety as objectively as I could, and focusing on changing my reactions.

QFT. I had the same reactions (and it seems recovery) as you footsy when it came to a mushie trip.

During this time I began practising mindfullness meditation, and I just can't overstate just how important and life changing this was. It can be as simple as focusing all your attention on your breath, and thinking to yourself, 'breathing in, breathing out'. It helped me focus my attention into the present. The nature of anxiety is that it commands your attention, and it tricks you into thinking that it will last forever.

I used mindfulness to overcome the anxiety from the trip, however I still have anxiety stemming from other issues.

My advice would be to look into mindfulness, talk to a professional about it and do not take any more psychedelics/hallucinogens until you have explored your options and feel comfortable with yourself again.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

The same thing happened to me, this year.

Except I walked away from the experience with a different perspective, and I think it's seriously helped me through some dark times.

Life is what you make of it. We're living in the "here and now" to experience both good and bad, but specifically both so that the good times are that much more amazing to us.

So to simply put it, whether or not everything is real or not, it's simply not an issue - we are perceiving ourselves as real, so insomuch as we perceive to to be, it is real.

Therefore, we're just here to enjoy ourselves; to sit back and take it all in sometimes. It can be hard to come to this conclusion when you're struggling with intense derealization during a psychedelic adventure though.

Just know that you aren't alone, other people have gone to where you've been, and it does definitely take a while for you to feel OK again - but it is possible!

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey there BadTripPTSD,

I feel like I've been there before too, though it hasn't been as persistant afterwards as in your experience. When I was 18 I took mushrooms and was caught in a loop so severe that I thought I was walking away from my life and into some new cold and punishing reality. That same feeling recurred numerous times after that, several times without taking anything psychoactive. The thought-loops weren't necessarily the same, but they had basic themes in common. I can't say exactly how to get over it, but that it will happen eventually. Your goal (as I understand it) is not to avoid having that experience but to allow that experience to exhaust itself. Here are some things that helped me:

1) don't believe your thoughts, just experience the experience. It's easier said than done, but ultimately you know when this is happening to you and when your thoughts are taking over, so you also know when it is time to turn off your inner commentator and watch the drama unfold with as much detachment and curiosity as you are capable of. Don't try and figure it out as your notions of what is going on will keep you stuck in the loop longer than need be. Afterwards, any REAL understanding gained from this experience will not dissipate when the thought loop fades.

2) If you are like me, you are incapable of thinking your way out of a thought loop. The loop takes a life of it's own. A simple phrase or mantra repeated at these times will remind you of this and help you stay out of your own way. A phrase that is particularly dear to me is "I always choose the light." That may seem corny and lame to others, but it works for me as my thought loops tended towards heaven/hell themes. Ultimately, you should use whatever understanding you have of these thought loops to craft a phrase that fits the dominant theme or sensation in your thought loops.

3) breath regularly and de-clench your body

4) I happen to believe that emotion or what I like to call felt-perceptual awareness is more powerful at influencing thought than thought is at influencing perception. In other words, before the thought there is an emotion/felt-perceptual experience and then a thought is crafted that reflects that emotion. Yet our predicament is that we focus more on thoughts than mushy sensations cause they appear understandable to us. Your acid trip may have brought you into direct contact with powerful sensations that you have rarely let yourself feel. Focusing on the feeling or sensation is a more direct way in. When that sensation dissipates or is released, often with a cathartic experience or a shift, the same thoughts can float by without impact. That is my experience.

Hope there is something in there that helps. Best of luck

 

[herbavore]

footscrazy

During this time I began practising mindfullness meditation, and I just can't overstate just how important and life changing this was. It can be as simple as focusing all your attention on your breath, and thinking to yourself, 'breathing in, breathing out'. It helped me focus my attention into the present. The nature of anxiety is that it commands your attention, and it tricks you into thinking that it will last forever. Much of the anxiety is fed off itself - by making you think you'll keep feeling like this into the future, and through you fighting it - trying to stop or change it. When you begin to live in the present, though, the future becomes of no consequence. The only thing that exists is the present moment - and even if you feel bad in this present moment - before you know it, that moment is gone. It lessens the power of anxiety when you simply observe it, sit with it and accept it. You know you only have to endure it for one moment - when the next moment comes, you can deal with it as it comes, with no preconceived notions of how you might feel. It's hard to explain - but it takes so much of the pressure away from anxiety, and the weight that was lifted off my shoulders because of this was amazing. I can't suggest strongly enough to do some research on mindfullness meditation, and give it a go. It is easy, and is probably the most important choice I have made in terms of my mental health.

Another method I found helpful was to set aside 15 or 20 minutes a day, or even less, when I would allow myself to consider all my obsessive, anxious thoughts. Then, when they came up other times during the day, I'd say to myself that I would consider them during the allotted time, but not now. All that considering the thoughts does is make you more anxious, but they are so hard to ignore. Knowing you have a specific time to think about them can make it a bit easier to put them aside for the moment.

This is wonderfully written--very clear and accessible. I love the part about assigning one specific time of day for worrying thoughts.

I also agree with vaya that difficult trips can be positive as well. Try to focus on mindful breathing, keep things simple in your life for awhile, and you may be able to look back at the experience with less fear and more fascination.

 

[jsbach7]

The most important thing to know is YOU CAN GET BETTER.
Believe it, I got better, even though I had started to do this kind of thing on purpose just for the intensity of the experience.

The main thing I started to do, was listen to music to get my mind off the feeling, especially when I was about to lose control of reality. Listening to J.S. Bach used to consume my mind and make it impossible for me to worry about the little things in life, just because I loved the music way too much. None of my friends listen to his music though, that's just how I deal with it.

My first bad trips faded with time, even with my continued drug abuse at the time. I still clearly remember every detail, it just doesn't bother me anymore. (The first time, I got so scared that I pissed myself because I thought I was trapped inside my own mind. I couldn't hear or interact with anyone else around me and I thought it would last for eternity, considering that I was perceiving time differently. The entire time, all I could think about was that other people would have to take care of my brainless body)

The point you gotta keep in mind though, is that you will feel better man.
Just distract yourself with something you love doing, eat healthy and try to stay clean if you can because the last thing you want to do is have another bad trip with this one so fresh in your mind.

If you are still worried about it in a few days and think it might help, send me a message and I can tell you about some of the numerous horrible trips I've had.

Good luck,
JS

 

[dilated_pupils]

I've had trips like these. What you really need to ask yourself is what you've been doing in life that could lead to what you believe in as 'death'. I look at it as a energy being given out to energy consumption. You should be able to give out what would be equal in terms of your consumption from time taken to time to give back (if you catch my drift).

Instead of going very deep into the personality of someone I do not know I will say that looking at your eating habits is a great way to start. You'll seriously feel a lot better if you start caring more about what you're taking in to your body. Also remember how you deal with that food energy has a lot to do with surroundings. So for example keeping the tv on for the children is probably not the best bet when you could be reading them a book. Catch my drift? If you're feeling bad there is something that can be done to change it and albeit might seem like something huge, it should give you a positive sense of well being rather quickly especially if you continue with it.

Also including more water in your life and detoxing off the crappy medications you may be over using could work wonders. These are the necessities to life and when there's problem those are the things that need the most care most often. Food & Water.

You'll be fine my friend just look within and the answers will appear within & around you. Try and balance yourself to the essence(s) of what you need.

-dp (if you need anything please don't hesitate to PM me)

 

[Badtripptsd]

Hi all,

Thanks so much for the responses. Sorry for being away I have no computer and have to post from my phone.

I've started going on long walks daily and I'm taking vitamins and omega 3 pills. I've boiled it down to the fact that I have OCD obsessions about reality and the uncertainty of reality as a result of this experience. Sadly there is no way for me to prove anything. And so I'm stuck with constant thoughts about trying to find a definitive answer essentially solving reality. It almost feels like when I'm thinking about it that if I have the right thought ill miraculously "come to". "Come to" to what I'm not entirely sure.

The worst fear I have is that I'm actually stuck in the bad trip and that this reality is just a defense mechanism preventing me from realizing I'm still there. As I type it out I almost laugh at the stupidity but when I can't stop thinking about it I convince myself that it is a possibility and say maybe I killed someone or myself during the trip and the shock of that experience sent me into a delusion of my own mind that is now the reality I perceive.

However if that's the case isn't it just as likely that I died at birth and reality has been a delusion ever since?

I know the truth of the matter is more than likely that everything is just as real as before I just can't stop the intrusive thoughts that I'm actually still in that room, dead, waiting to "come to" and that it won't happen until I have the right thought or do the right thing.

I'm just scared is all and I know my thoughts and fears can't hurt me, but they are quite debilitating. For example when someone asks me if I'm "okay" when I look sad, my first thought is "what if I'm still there and everyone knows it and they are trying to comfort me and help me realize it?" I know this thought is likely related to the fact that during my bad experience people were in fact trying to calm me down, and so when I hear similar words my mind jumps to the experience.

I just wish the thoughts would stop. But I know they won't. So I need to change the way I view and react to them. They are merely thoughts that I should not give weight to.

I can't help but constantly search for reassurance that this is "real life". I wish I could just accept that this is as real as its going to get.

I know I shouldn't ask for more reassurance but if anyone coup be kind enough to say something like "man you aren't still there, this is all real, move on," that would be appreciated

 

[neversickanymore]

I think this could help you unravel some of what you are fascinated with.. the very beginning is a little annoying, first three and a half minutes.. but there are some amazing things in this..

​

EDIT: and you are really here, an this is real, whatever real is...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

1) don't believe your thoughts, just experience the experience. It's easier said than done, but ultimately you know when this is happening to you and when your thoughts are taking over, so you also know when it is time to turn off your inner commentator and watch the drama unfold with as much detachment and curiosity as you are capable of. Don't try and figure it out as your notions of what is going on will keep you stuck in the loop longer than need be. Afterwards, any REAL understanding gained from this experience will not dissipate when the thought loop fades.

^ SO TRUE! Just experience it in the moment, and process it later. That is such good advice for long-duration psychedelics. I never attempt to analyze trips while they are taking place if it's a long-duration psychedelic (LSD, mushrooms, etc.).

2) If you are like me, you are incapable of thinking your way out of a thought loop. The loop takes a life of it's own. A simple phrase or mantra repeated at these times will remind you of this and help you stay out of your own way. A phrase that is particularly dear to me is "I always choose the light." That may seem corny and lame to others, but it works for me as my thought loops tended towards heaven/hell themes. Ultimately, you should use whatever understanding you have of these thought loops to craft a phrase that fits the dominant theme or sensation in your thought loops.

I haven't "looped" in quite some time; I can't say whether or not I can "think my way out of them"...but the mantra is definitely something I embrace. Normally when I'm repeating mantras it's to focus my emotional energy in one direction or the other or to just focus on letting go of upsetting emotions/feelings.

I won't share what I use as mantras but they are definitely very, very helpful.

I've boiled it down to the fact that I have OCD obsessions about reality and the uncertainty of reality as a result of this experience.

This is called derealization. I get it heavily during high dose mushroom/LSD trips as well. So much so that I avoid both to avoid the derealization entirely.

Sadly there is no way for me to prove anything. And so I'm stuck with constant thoughts about trying to find a definitive answer essentially solving reality. It almost feels like when I'm thinking about it that if I have the right thought ill miraculously "come to". "Come to" to what I'm not entirely sure.

Accept that nothing is real, or that it is possible that nothing is real. The only conundrum is that you are perceiving yourself as real as you always come back to yourself. So know that insomuch as you think you are real, you are, and therefore at the very base level, you're here to enjoy yourself. So kick back and enjoy the ride.

I can't help but constantly search for reassurance that this is "real life". I wish I could just accept that this is as real as its going to get.

I know I shouldn't ask for more reassurance but if anyone coup be kind enough to say something like "man you aren't still there, this is all real, move on," that would be appreciated

Well I doubt my post will help you feel better, unless you realize the same thing I did once upon a time (that you don't have to believe anything is real if you don't feel inclined to - that you can still be happy despite not believing in reality). Your call though.

Happiness really is the only reason why you're here, so don't let anything come between you and your happiness. Not even a "bad" trip like this.

It can also help to accept that the challenging and difficult psychedelic experience (colloquially referred to as a "bad trip") happened for a reason, and it happened in order to prepare you for even greater events in real life/the next life.

 

[Vaya]

Hey footscrazy - though I already know of mindfulness meditation and practice it myself, you laid the concept down in a style that was simplistic and elegant. As Jan mentioned, "accessible."

Thanks for that. I think I now have a clearer understanding of where I want to take my own mindfulness meditation next time. I would not have had that if it weren't for your descriptive prowess.

Merci, beaucoup, madame.

~ Jamie

 

[Pagey]

I agree with everything that's been said here. I really do believe there's no such thing as a bad trip, just a difficult one. It might help to think about why that trip took that specific form for you? Trips are completely personal so there must have been something bothering you in your sober life for it to come out in that form under psychedics. As neversick said, you wanted your reality altered, and you certainly did - probably not in the shape you were hoping for but there's still ALWAYS something to get out of it.
I had the hardest trip of my life a few weeks ago when I had a psychotic break and felt like every single person in the world wanted to kill or hurt me and I spent a few days unable to really get out of my room or speak to anyone at all, but in the end I am so happy it happened. Even though it was done in a very violent way, it did bring to the forefront a lot of issues I'd been ignoring and really did need to deal with to be happier in my life. Difficult trips happen for a reason, and if you look hard enough I promise you can always find something to get out of them.

This is probably going to be a bit controversial but what also helped me was to trip again - on a MUCH lower dose, mind. I'm not saying this is necessarily what you should do, but it's what got me out of the traumatised loop and I think that if I hadn't tripped again I'd still be in it. I took a pretty low dose where I was 100% sure I'd be in complete and utter control. The thoughts started coming back very quickly but I still felt connected to reality so I was able to deal with them and make them go away - and that really enabled me to realise there's nothing to fear from trips, because you're just always in control and if you don't like what's going on it's only up to you to stop it. The acid tricked you a little but everything you knew before is still real, it's just showing you another world. Perhaps it did it a little brutally, but I promise it didn't mean to hurt you. Don't use it again if you don't feel 100% comfortable with it, but remember you can always get something out of your difficult experience

 

[satorishapeshifta]

Look up EFT!! It's a form of accupressure and it works like MAGIC for anxiety, i use it all the time.