All about it myself. And now health and recovery.
Please feel free to speek your mind I know of some very painful.experiences with high dose bzs.
Cant go back there. Dont even want to or have the urge.
But not knowing who ornwhat we are responding to it would seem like the right thing to do is ward off as beat we can, imo.
Agreed
Oh, why thank you, that's very kind of you.
I just now saw you're a moderator, so much for my attention to detail, lol.
Well, my own experiences with benzos have been pretty one-sided. By which I mean, using them has always been positive, or rather... I've usually had good experiences while using them. They eliminate anxiety for sure, but they do nothing for depression. So, I've often been depressed on them, but I much prefer that to anxiety (any day!).
There's been the odd time that I'd take a big dose (say 150mg's of Oxazepam, or many years ago, 16mg of Clonazepam) and I'd have similar effects to being drunk while depressed. Hard to describe really, but that was the impression. Like, drunk and "going off," pissed off at life, etc. But feeling really good, otherwise.
Usually would end with me going to sleep at some point, disgusted with everything, and pretty sedated.
My worst experiences with benzos are withdrawal-related. Back in 2012 I withdrew from Clonazepam. Couldn't get my script renewed, so I was left to fend for myself with whatever I could find. I knew a guy who had 30mg of Oxazepam, so he'd sell me some every once and a while, in a pinch.
Once (cir. 2010), I had a seizure from not having my Clonazepam for about 2-3 weeks. I thought I'd be able to wiat it out to my next refill, so I sold my last 3 pills for a bit of cigarette money (if I recall correctly). I struggled through the anxiety day-after-day, but one morning I had a seizure.
I was going out with this chick, and she called the ambulance. I actually regained consciousness in the ambulance. When they told me what happened, I went "Ohhh.... I haven't had my benzodiazepine in a few weeks."
They shot me up with Ativan, and that was it. They didn't want me to leave, but I needed a cigarette, plus I was meeting my sister for the first time in my life that day, so I had to go.
Fast-forward to 2012, and my source for Clonazepam had run dry. Without any warning, his script was discontinued, and so... I was screwed. I only had 6 x 0.5mg's left. I freaked out a bit, but my gf (now 2nd wife
) consoled me. Somehow (by God's grace), I stopped using them. I didn't touch them unless I
really was about to have a full-blown panic-attack. If I was, then I'd take a half pill.
I was able to beat it finally, leaving one half-pill, which I kept as a trophy/reminder, and.... just in case.
That "just in case" moment happened in 2017. My family doc had raised my thyroid medication too high (against my will and strong protests). I wasn't even a week in, when I had the worst panic-attack I'd had in years. Actually, from 2013 to 2017, I had zero panic attacks. I daresay I was living an almost "normal" life. I was drug-free, I even started to have a regular job from 2015 to 2017.
When the incident occurred, it changed all of that. The increase in thyroid medication brought my anxiety/panic-disorder back full force. I've been trying to get it under control ever since.
The doctor gave me Oxazepam and Paxil. 4th time i was on Paxil, and it worked as well as the other 3 times.
I withdrew from Paxil (4th time) later that year, specifically because I wanted to take opiates, and I learned that Paxil would block it. Nope, not having that! So I came off it.
Originally, my Oxazepam (brand name Serax) was 30mg. Man, I wish she had kept it at that level. After a month or so, she brought it down to 15mg.
The rest is history, I guess. I often wish I had the 30mg's, because there are times when I have a really bad panic attack, and I need more than my daily dose (1 pill) to take it away, I need more like 2 or 3 (at least). Only way I'm able to do that is because I occasionally take half my normal dose, and sometimes I've been able to amass a bit of a reserve on the side.
Between 2020-2021 I took half regularly and didn't dip in to the reserve. I had so much on the side I didn't know what to do with! I gave some to a couple friends, but kept the greater bulk of it.
In late-2021 I had a near-attempt at suicide, and needed to get high on something. So, I took like 10 of them (equalling the aforementioned 150mg, give or take). ....And then I started taking 10 of them every day, along with huge amounts of DXM.
The Oxazepam reserve was gone in a couple weeks or so, but I made sure to taper down to my regular dose the best I could. I continued on DXM, getting myself physically addicted in the process, and having to taper down from that (difficult, but finally successful). It took a few months.
Guess you didn't ask for my life story (or even a significant chunk of it), but those are my experiences with benzos.
Nowadays, I spend a lot of my time looking for something to compensate, something that I can use instead of benzos (or DXM.... or opiates at this point) that will allow me to reduce my benzo intake, so I can amass a reserve again (hopefully).
As such, I live day-by-day, and it's kind of slow-going. Thanks for anyone's patience who actually read this incoherent drivel. Much love to all.
Getting high on Subs is impossible for me as my tolerance is very high. 8mg is just enough to get me out of bed and that's it. I hope it will stay that way as antidepressants don't help at all. All the best.