SomeYoungGuy
Greenlighter
Hello everyone. First off I'd like to thank the moderators and founders for the wonderful creation that is Bluelight. The information on some of the threads has helped me in so many ways, I figured it is time that I become a member.
Now for an introduction. I love the show "Boy Meets World: seasons 1-5. After that it became serious. I surf, exercise at the gym at least 4 times weekly(until recently), try to eat healthy, have a gorgeous fiancee with a wonderful heart, love movies, am somewhat social so I don't appear to be weirdo, and am 31 years of age. I do not feel like 31. I feel more like 19 do to the numerous years I've spent drinking and abusing drugs. I truly believe the only reason I am alive is because of God. And that has nothing or anything to do with me being special. It is simply because He is a gracious God and loves all people, who are His children.
I had been sober yet anti-social for the past 3 years. My house and life were unorganized. I didn't like participating in social activities. Every time I chat with beautiful women I feel horrible insecurity rise up within. Every time I chat with other people I try too hard to force conversation because I fear awkwardness. I constantly fear being seen as weird guy. For whatever reason, this and my vanity are the roots of my anxiety. I'm afraid people think I am ugly and or weird looking. I've tried my best to shake it, to be religious, to use various drugs, and all sorts of self help philosophy... but none of it worked. The thoughts are always there in the back of my head unless I'm intoxicated.
About a year ago I thought I had found the answer to my anxiety in a little herb called "Kratom." It was great. It made me feel happy, energized, and seemed to alleviate all negative thoughts that would normally occur while talking to others. Numerous internet sites had labeled it as non-addictive. But deep down I knew that was a lie. The little euphoria I felt was too similar to other addictive drugs I had taken in the past. So I tried, and was successful, in moderating my use to every other day for about 3 months. After that I started using every day. Eventually it turned into a 60-70 gram a day habit. Which is a ton if you're not familiar with Kratom. I suffered from chronic constipation, cold sweats even while on the drug, and the euphoria was gone. After a while I decided to quite for good cold turkey. BAD IDEA.
I spent 6 days without any sleep while trying to go to work. My body felt like I had mono. There was not a drop of energy within me. I tried my best. But I went back to the herb. Because of my addictive personality I knew I could not taper. I needed medical help. So i sought a psychiatrist.
At first the psychiatrist misdiagnosed me and gave me an SSRI and strong-antihistamine telling me just quite cold turkey. This lead to insomnia. I wrote her an e-mail after the second day of no sleep and the horrible withdrawals and we rescheduled.
During are second appointment she put me on a dosage of 4mg of klonopin plus .1mg of clonodine a day. This worked wonders and eventually got me down to 10 grams a day of the herb. But it also brought back and intensified my drug seeking behavior tenfold. I went out and did a bunch of things I shouldn't have done. And i paid hard for it this last week. But now I am back on the regimen, with and extra prescribed substance called Gabapentin. I took it with the Klonopin and Clonodine last night and woke up this morning stumbling around like a drunk man. I'm almost off this herb but I'm concerned I'm being overmedicated. My doctor also lied to me about charging me out of pocket instead of insurance billings had me questioning her. I'm seeking a new psychiatrist. I want to get off psych meds period. Now after the strength and time I've been on two of these drugs, I'm going to have taper. That is something I did not want to do. It has been over a month.
I've come to terms that these anxiety thoughts are something I'd rather live with. I'd rather be myself and have some control than feel numb. Anyways, that is my little introduction. I am a man who always puts himself in conundrums and this is just one of many. There are too many to list. I've lost many friends along the way yet a few have stayed through the hard times. I don't blame people anymore for giving up on me. I actually expect. Luckily I've been blessed with a family to help me. I can't imagine not having any family support. Anyways this is my intro. Sorry if I got too into the medication and drugs thing but that is a huge part of who I am today.
If any of you have gone through similar things feel free to share and chat with me. I'm an open guy and deep down I love people who admit they have problems. That is why I love Bluelight. It is full of people being waaaayyyy more truthful than those we meet in person. We can all help each other by sharing our burdens. I love you all, nice to meet you, and God Bless.
Now for an introduction. I love the show "Boy Meets World: seasons 1-5. After that it became serious. I surf, exercise at the gym at least 4 times weekly(until recently), try to eat healthy, have a gorgeous fiancee with a wonderful heart, love movies, am somewhat social so I don't appear to be weirdo, and am 31 years of age. I do not feel like 31. I feel more like 19 do to the numerous years I've spent drinking and abusing drugs. I truly believe the only reason I am alive is because of God. And that has nothing or anything to do with me being special. It is simply because He is a gracious God and loves all people, who are His children.
I had been sober yet anti-social for the past 3 years. My house and life were unorganized. I didn't like participating in social activities. Every time I chat with beautiful women I feel horrible insecurity rise up within. Every time I chat with other people I try too hard to force conversation because I fear awkwardness. I constantly fear being seen as weird guy. For whatever reason, this and my vanity are the roots of my anxiety. I'm afraid people think I am ugly and or weird looking. I've tried my best to shake it, to be religious, to use various drugs, and all sorts of self help philosophy... but none of it worked. The thoughts are always there in the back of my head unless I'm intoxicated.
About a year ago I thought I had found the answer to my anxiety in a little herb called "Kratom." It was great. It made me feel happy, energized, and seemed to alleviate all negative thoughts that would normally occur while talking to others. Numerous internet sites had labeled it as non-addictive. But deep down I knew that was a lie. The little euphoria I felt was too similar to other addictive drugs I had taken in the past. So I tried, and was successful, in moderating my use to every other day for about 3 months. After that I started using every day. Eventually it turned into a 60-70 gram a day habit. Which is a ton if you're not familiar with Kratom. I suffered from chronic constipation, cold sweats even while on the drug, and the euphoria was gone. After a while I decided to quite for good cold turkey. BAD IDEA.
I spent 6 days without any sleep while trying to go to work. My body felt like I had mono. There was not a drop of energy within me. I tried my best. But I went back to the herb. Because of my addictive personality I knew I could not taper. I needed medical help. So i sought a psychiatrist.
At first the psychiatrist misdiagnosed me and gave me an SSRI and strong-antihistamine telling me just quite cold turkey. This lead to insomnia. I wrote her an e-mail after the second day of no sleep and the horrible withdrawals and we rescheduled.
During are second appointment she put me on a dosage of 4mg of klonopin plus .1mg of clonodine a day. This worked wonders and eventually got me down to 10 grams a day of the herb. But it also brought back and intensified my drug seeking behavior tenfold. I went out and did a bunch of things I shouldn't have done. And i paid hard for it this last week. But now I am back on the regimen, with and extra prescribed substance called Gabapentin. I took it with the Klonopin and Clonodine last night and woke up this morning stumbling around like a drunk man. I'm almost off this herb but I'm concerned I'm being overmedicated. My doctor also lied to me about charging me out of pocket instead of insurance billings had me questioning her. I'm seeking a new psychiatrist. I want to get off psych meds period. Now after the strength and time I've been on two of these drugs, I'm going to have taper. That is something I did not want to do. It has been over a month.
I've come to terms that these anxiety thoughts are something I'd rather live with. I'd rather be myself and have some control than feel numb. Anyways, that is my little introduction. I am a man who always puts himself in conundrums and this is just one of many. There are too many to list. I've lost many friends along the way yet a few have stayed through the hard times. I don't blame people anymore for giving up on me. I actually expect. Luckily I've been blessed with a family to help me. I can't imagine not having any family support. Anyways this is my intro. Sorry if I got too into the medication and drugs thing but that is a huge part of who I am today.
If any of you have gone through similar things feel free to share and chat with me. I'm an open guy and deep down I love people who admit they have problems. That is why I love Bluelight. It is full of people being waaaayyyy more truthful than those we meet in person. We can all help each other by sharing our burdens. I love you all, nice to meet you, and God Bless.
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