a thread to moan. all i want is a place to let go...

[the black sun]

i don't know if this is the place to thread but i am in serious need to moan and release something inside me that can make me and others feel better inside. others can use this place to moan and keep what's making them uncontrollable within (or if you just want to release and let go within text).

im sorry about my grammer and spelling, if i could put my message across any clearer i would. at the moment i am quite drunk. either way...spill what is bugging you inside.

i live on my own and i want to escape. each emotion inside me wants to destroy the skin around me and rip through any whole. i fucking hate what is going on around me e.g the economy. i hate the economy because everything that is happening feels asif it is happening because of me. my life!!. my problem!!. i feel asif this is my challenge to go through life. to qualify myself as a human, even if it is right or wrong. i feel, even though i am 20, that i should know from right or wrong and tell the difference between the difficult situations we are put through. i know not to rape, i know not to steal, i know not to make my families life harder even though what i am going through is difficult. the way i live puts burden on my mother, she pays for my rent. its hard to get a job but back at home there is a free room that i can live in. i can't go back home because my mother will loose her benefits. the point is that she lives with her partner who is self employed.. am i really worth £70 a week? is £70 worth my mistakes in the past? all i did was drink and smoke weed just like any other 17 year old i was mates with.

all i want is for something in the world where people can come together and connect easily about their own problems. when i speak i find it easier to speak for everyone rather than myself. this is because i think everyone feels the same way, or is this because i want everyone to think the same way so i can make myself feel better? we can all relate to each other. it's a mad world...especially when we can't relate to ourselves !!! xx

bluelight is a god send. religious or not.

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

I think you're expecting a bit too much of yourself my friend. As for blaming yourself for the economy, well... that's clearly not your fault, how could it be? It's always tough being poor and having to rely on others, but the fact you're tearing yourself up about it shows you're not such a bad person as you make out.

I'm not sure what advice to offer. You don't really say what problems you've got at the moment apart from not having enough money. I agree the economy is fucked up right now and I know how hard it can be to try and find a job but always be turned down. Maybe you could offer to help with your mum's partner's business? I don't know how comfortable that would be for you but it would show your mum you are trying for her and give you a little cash as well. If you really can't find work then you should at least go down to the JobCentre and sign on, they won't start giving you any money for quite some time but it should help with the living at home situation. They'll also give you some advice and help to to find real work.

Life is gonna be tough for a while. Try not to slip into the cracks, try to use the free time you have to do something worthwhile - look for free training courses at local collages, start running and get in shape, apply for a library card and better yourself, even try volunteer work. You'd be astounded the opportunities that can open up just by putting yourself out there, doing stuff. And you have time on your side man, you're still young. I look back on how I was when I was 20 and I was just a total fuckup. Depressed, unemployed, inexperienced and socially awkward. Five years later things are so different that I can hardly remember who I was back then. Now the idea of having time to myself seems like a dream. It will probably be the same for you in five years as well, but only if you work at it and cut down on the solo drinking. Good luck.

 

[ocean]

I'm glad you're finding BL to be such a place

I hope things work out with your mother. Have you tried talking with her? Maybe you could continue looking for work near her and give her 70 Euros out of your pay?? That would give you the chance to earn money and stay somewhere safe while you save to move out again and will help her get her benefits......though when you say benefits it makes me wonder if she is getting medical and food along with the cash???
If she is insistent you can not live with her- maybe you could get some government assistance? Does the area you live have programs to keep people off the streets? It is worth checking into.
Lots of Luck and please keep us posted!

 

[the black sun]

ok i will explain everything in detail tomorrow. i think i give you guys the gravy then you'll get teh jist of whats going on with me. but yer this could be a place where alot of other can just rant if they want. there is probably other threads on here like this. even though ive got problems im sstill capable of giving advice to jsut like on other threads. untill tomorrow take it easy and thanks for your posts. i live in england and my mother lives around the corner from me, it is my dad who lives in germany miles away.