Lautreamont
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2012
- Messages
- 1
Before I was seventeen, my mother would warn me about having a sensitive brain. This makes sense,
since as a child I was born 10 weeks premature. She would advise me not to try drugs or drinking.
In this time I was full of life and feeling. If people talked about my prematurity, or ADD, a sensitive brain,
or other such classifications, I would not put any thought into them, and continue living..
When I was seventeen, my friends got me into marijuana. One of my first negative experiences was
noticing my throat or adam's apple, and obsessing/feeling ill about that. One of the few times after
I smoked marijuana I started to dissociate. Sitting in a field, I took a drag. A sense of hopelessness
assailed me, and the world seemed different, surreal, the field was foreign.
However, it wasn't 'severe'. One night after black-out drinking at 17--which I assume I probably smoked pot
at a party, I woke up in my bed around 5am, and had horrible anxiety and thought that the world was crashing down/my parents were going to die. When I turned
on the television, the figures seemed alien, unreal, and gave me a disturbing feeling.
Ever since then, I felt as though I was detached from reality or my body, and I became sensitive to little things
in my environment, going through some sort of existential hell. I also felt emotionally numb.
This went on for about four years, and it subsided a bit, but was still quite unbearable. I never smoked the accursed
substance in this time. However, at 21 I started taking Effexor, which cured a lot of my problems, and made me feel
quite confident and high/mighty. One day in the wilderness with a friend, I smoked pot, and had a marvelous and beautiful
time.
Well, from then on, being in a band that offered it up, I started smoking every few days, then every day.. This went on for about
a year, and for the first six months (albeit slovenly) things were sunshine and lollipops. During this year, a few traumatic experiences happened with my best-friend etc which shook me up, and all the problems,
errors in my life, and faults seemed to settle to the forefront.
The marijuana highs became terror. One night, after blazing, sitting in my bed, it was as if I lost my ego. I began mulling over all of the accusations
people have made against me, all of my faults.. about my premature birth, my ADD. I began somehow thinking I had aspergers.
In this phase, I also started obsessing over my vocabulary, over my words, over my being, dissecting sentences, thoughts,
dreading I had lost my vocabulary, and obsessing over the surrounding world. At this time, I thought somehow I had damaged my brain,
although all my skills like guitar playing, or typing, and spelling were still intact (so this couldn't be it).
It's been four months since I stopped smoking. At first there was brain fog, dizziness of vision.. but that went away. At times I was suicidal,
or in immense anxiety/stress but those have subsided quite a bit too.
I have been taking Wellbutrin 150mg for two months and Celexa 20mg for a bit less than a month, but I still feel quite dejected and dead.
What worries me is what I feel like now:
1) Emotional numbness and lack of feeling, towards mysef and others.
2) Loss of hope.
3) Obsessions over my cerebral functions.
4) Lack of short term memory.
5) Fatigue and loss of energy.
This alternating mental anguish has been going on for 8 months. I've become more organized, tried changing my lifestyle, some of my eating habits,
attending therapy etc etc.
Is it possible to get back to a feeling and functional human being like before I was seventeen, and is there things I can do to start recovering, or is my
brain just garbled from all of the mental abuse it has taken over these years?
since as a child I was born 10 weeks premature. She would advise me not to try drugs or drinking.
In this time I was full of life and feeling. If people talked about my prematurity, or ADD, a sensitive brain,
or other such classifications, I would not put any thought into them, and continue living..
When I was seventeen, my friends got me into marijuana. One of my first negative experiences was
noticing my throat or adam's apple, and obsessing/feeling ill about that. One of the few times after
I smoked marijuana I started to dissociate. Sitting in a field, I took a drag. A sense of hopelessness
assailed me, and the world seemed different, surreal, the field was foreign.
However, it wasn't 'severe'. One night after black-out drinking at 17--which I assume I probably smoked pot
at a party, I woke up in my bed around 5am, and had horrible anxiety and thought that the world was crashing down/my parents were going to die. When I turned
on the television, the figures seemed alien, unreal, and gave me a disturbing feeling.
Ever since then, I felt as though I was detached from reality or my body, and I became sensitive to little things
in my environment, going through some sort of existential hell. I also felt emotionally numb.
This went on for about four years, and it subsided a bit, but was still quite unbearable. I never smoked the accursed
substance in this time. However, at 21 I started taking Effexor, which cured a lot of my problems, and made me feel
quite confident and high/mighty. One day in the wilderness with a friend, I smoked pot, and had a marvelous and beautiful
time.
Well, from then on, being in a band that offered it up, I started smoking every few days, then every day.. This went on for about
a year, and for the first six months (albeit slovenly) things were sunshine and lollipops. During this year, a few traumatic experiences happened with my best-friend etc which shook me up, and all the problems,
errors in my life, and faults seemed to settle to the forefront.
The marijuana highs became terror. One night, after blazing, sitting in my bed, it was as if I lost my ego. I began mulling over all of the accusations
people have made against me, all of my faults.. about my premature birth, my ADD. I began somehow thinking I had aspergers.
In this phase, I also started obsessing over my vocabulary, over my words, over my being, dissecting sentences, thoughts,
dreading I had lost my vocabulary, and obsessing over the surrounding world. At this time, I thought somehow I had damaged my brain,
although all my skills like guitar playing, or typing, and spelling were still intact (so this couldn't be it).
It's been four months since I stopped smoking. At first there was brain fog, dizziness of vision.. but that went away. At times I was suicidal,
or in immense anxiety/stress but those have subsided quite a bit too.
I have been taking Wellbutrin 150mg for two months and Celexa 20mg for a bit less than a month, but I still feel quite dejected and dead.
What worries me is what I feel like now:
1) Emotional numbness and lack of feeling, towards mysef and others.
2) Loss of hope.
3) Obsessions over my cerebral functions.
4) Lack of short term memory.
5) Fatigue and loss of energy.
This alternating mental anguish has been going on for 8 months. I've become more organized, tried changing my lifestyle, some of my eating habits,
attending therapy etc etc.
Is it possible to get back to a feeling and functional human being like before I was seventeen, and is there things I can do to start recovering, or is my
brain just garbled from all of the mental abuse it has taken over these years?
