I would greatly appreciate non-judgmental third-party input regarding a growing (albeit hopefully irrational) fear that has been growing in my mind. Actually, it is something I am starting to really dwell on.
A little background: I have been a recreational crystal meth smoker for the past five years, but in January of this year I was with someone who pressured me into IV'ing crystal meth into my body. I have a tolerance to crystal meth from smoking it, but I had never used the IV method before, and as such, the size of the hit was humongous for my body size, and for the first time using this method of delivery. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and I truly thought I was going to die.
As my bloodstream began to feel like it had caught on fire, I managed to ask the person I was with to tell my family that I was sorry and that I love them. I tried to fight what was happening inside my body but it was frighteningly overpowering. I don't remember how long it lasted, only that I was terrified throughout the duration of the slam. The fear I have now is this nagging thought of whether I may have in fact died during that experience, only somehow I am still experiencing what I perceive to be life through some mechanism of my conscious or subconscious mind. Possibly because it was too painful to accept that I died in such a fashion, leaving so much pain for my loved ones to deal with.
What keeps me from believing this scenario more wholeheartedly is the fact that I experience things now that I had no knowledge of up to the time in which this event occurred (i.e. watching television episodes that I had never seen prior to January of this year, hearing new songs, news of world events unfolding, etc.). My mind would have to be exponentially creative and sophisticated to fabricate such a believable ruse.
Please try not to judge my addiction if you respond to this. Although it is true that I did feel pressured into IV'ing this drug, I also take personal responsibility for doing so and I am not seeking a moral diatribe. Although I am still struggling with my addiction, I have been able to drastically reduce my usage, and I have never IV'ed crystal meth again after that experience.
So -- have I possibly developed a psychosis, PTSD, or some other neuroses? Or have I just degraded myself to the incoherent ramblings of a lunatic? I fear that I have permanently altered my mind for the worst, as I now have a preoccupation with death and dying, which I did not have a year ago. I should add that I am unemployed and spend a disproportionate amount of time isolated, alone with my thoughts; this may play a part in my general mental health along with numerous GHB/GBL blackouts that are coupled with subsequent amnesia and lingering confusion.
I am unable to successfully detach myself from my subjective viewpoint and so I am using the anonymity of the Internet to voice this embarrassing yet persistent fear to anyone who may stumble upon it, and has the kindness and/or knowledge to help. Can anyone out there relate to this, even if only slightly? Please pardon the length of this post, but I felt all aforementioned details were pertinent to explaining this troubling situation.
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