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A question about exclusivity and titles

J

jemck

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 26, 2016
Messages
12
Hi guys! I was hoping to get a little advice.

I am dating this guy who tells me he has strong feelings for me, but is not "yet" head over heels. He wants us to be completely exclusive but is not yet ready for the boyfriend/girlfriend title. The reason being is that he believes the title comes with certain expectations that he doesn't like (the feeling of having to report to someone). He said that he sees us heading in that direction eventually, but that he wants me and his feelings are definitely there.

I am completely back and forth on this because I feel that exclusivity is the only real expectation of a monogamous relationship. I have never felt that "reporting" was a major expectation, or a healthy one at that. Is he trying to have his cake or eat it too? Or should I just allow him to move at his own pace?

I mentioned to him that I would be more than happy to just date and see where it goes, that exclusivity isn't a necessity for me at this point. He told me absolutely not because he does not want me with other people, nor does he want to be with other people. I have never thought I would be exclusive to someone who was not ready to fully commit.

Am I overthinking this? Go with the flow or run for the hills?

Thank you in advance.
 
I'm confused.
He wants to date, he wants you to be exclusive for each other but doesn't want to jump head first into full blown official relationship ? Because last I checked that's pretty common thing. Go on few dates before you make it official.
 
We have history and know each other very well. He fell in love with me while I was in a relationship and I was not ready to leave (last summer). He grew some major contempt and didn't talk to me for a couple months. Fast forward to December, I have left my relationship and we start talking again. I just officially moved out of the apartment I was living with my ex in a month ago. Him and I have become more serious since there was more space between my ex and I, and he is ready to be exclusive, but doesn't have that head over heels feeling like he did in the past... he wants to "grow" back into that while not seeing anybody else...
 
Given how he was head over heels before and didn't get to be with you it's not surprising the feelings cooled off. But evidently they aren't gone, so let him go at his own pace. If you want to be with him that's the best deal you can get. Take it or leave it.
 
sounds like you just need to talk to each other about your relationship...

alasdair
 
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We have and that's the conclusion. I'm back and forth on whether or not that's emotionally fulfilling enough for me.

And, of course, the insecure part of my brain is telling me that he likes me enough to string me along until the next best thing comes, which is why he's not willing to fully commit.

It's a very confusing feeling. I do want him, but I also don't want to be used. At this point I do believe my feelings are stronger than his and he knows that.
 
No get rid of him. He wants to control you. If he can't commit he's not got the right to expect anything.
Dog in the manger attitude.
Don't waste your time with this geezer.
 
jemck said:
At this point I do believe my feelings are stronger than his and he knows that.
Click to expand...
Might have something to do with him getting turned down when he was more interested. What did you expect ? That he's going to be crazy in love for you all that time ?

I'm going to be blunt here. You weren't ready to leave your relationship for him, him getting upset over that is nothing unusual but you didn't owe him anything, but now that you throw him a bone you're surprised he's not jumping on it straight away ? Turned down people lose interest. He's still way more interested then I would. He waited 6 months. I wouldn't.
 
I am trying to understand his side as well. I do understand that he was hurt. But, as Augusta said, I'm also afraid it's purely a control issue.

I go back and forth on what I think his intentions are. I'm not blaming him at all for the emotions that he felt, but I have feelings and needs as well.
 
I appreciate everyone giving me both perspectives! I'm trying to make sense of it all without annoying the crap out of him ha.
 
Like I said you have two options, take it or leave it.
Take it - stay with him and see if he warms up to you. It carries a risk of getting hurt, but that's how it works.
Leave it- walk away and avoid potentially getting hurt, but you'll never know if he meant it.

Only you can decide if this guy is worth the risk.
 
Durzo1258 said:
Like I said you have two options, take it or leave it.
Take it - stay with him and see if he warms up to you. It carries a risk of getting hurt, but that's how it works.
Leave it- walk away and avoid potentially getting hurt, but you'll never know if he meant it.

Only you can decide if this guy is worth the risk.
Click to expand...

You are absolutely right. I do appreciate your input and helping me understand his side.
 
Also, he knew full and well that I was completely entangled with someone else, albeit unhappily, so it's not like he was blindsided. I was in a long term relationship and living with this person. It's not so easy just to get up and go. It did not mean that I felt for him any less, it just was not the right time for me emotionally or even financially for that matter. Finding a place and living on your own is expensive!

I made a lot of sacrifices for him and I feel that he is still punishing me. I hate to be cold, but he knew what he was getting himself into. I was not completely available.
 
This guy seems to be making up excuses, and you deserve someone who is not like this and who values you for who you are, and who can commit to a monogamous relationship.

If he was really actually interested in a relationship why wouldn't he just say how you're his girlfriend and both in a relationship together?
 
I'm like this dude minus the exclusive thing, fuck a gf asking me where I was the past 10 days, sending me frown text messages like I'm the bad guy. haven't had a gf in years, if I meet a girl I could wife I'll do a relationship.

edit: hell I hold off on girls even knowing my real name. stalkers etc, fuck that. if i end up wanting a semi-relationship she gets my name.
 
I guess you might benefit from defining your relationship on your own instead of sticking into standards made by society.

Your relationship is between you two instead of with the whole community.

I guess it would do good to discuss about what you both want out of a relationship and then see if you could get those expectations match each other or not.

I have been in a quite open relationship for a while although we wear rings and I am feeling that our relationship is as good as it is in fact is partly because we defined the terms of our relationship by ourselves.

Di you btw feel that in a boyfriend/girlfriend thingy your partner must be able to report to you?

I thought that was something which belongs into relationship between parents and their kids. Are you trying to be her mother or does he honestly think that being your boyfriend means that he must always report to you?

If you don't think that reporting belongs to the relationship you were trying to propose why didn't you just explain that it doesn't belong into it when he brought it up?

Also how logical it would be to trust someone who were in a basic monogamous relationship with all the vanilla stuff included and still wanted to do something with a guy who told he was in love with her.

I mean honestly if he has some brains left he might be thinking what if that happens again and he ends up being that guy who has to live with you while you "aren't ready to leave"? I can guesstimate that being in a relationship in which one of the partners isn't ready to leave won't be happy at all for neither of them.
 
Haha, time to play the game. You need to back off, stop initiating phone calls, texts, or dates. Go out with your girlfriends, be distracted. But be sweet and tell him nothing's wrong if he asks. Men and women alike are motivated by the chase- something about a sure thing makes it lose its appeal a bit. If he thinks you're losing interest he'll either wake up and become serious or lose interest too (in which case he would have been a shitty boyfriend anyways).
 
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