cherub
Bluelighter
So by now I am exhausted, every moment today I should have napped, someone was at the door, someone needing something, someone, or just suck more energy out of me that is not even there. Somehow with each little comment of “Yawn I would like to take a nap” didn’t seem to throw and even glance from anyone in the room. How my place became community haven on day when sleep escape me the night before,, and the challenge of making myself go out tonight when sleep would be such a self absorbing choice. I digressed.
Looking now at the night that has ended only to be known it all started the night before.
Night 1.
Sitting on the motel bed, crossed legged talking for hours about everything under the sun
Not excluding my best friend miles away that I had talked to hours earlier, or the two friends I missed so much. He was the one who brought it up not me, he has seen there pictures on the wall, and my new little sign and frame I made and put up on my wall. That says “Shooting Star” a reminder to me; things are precious in life that you can’t take for granted. At this point we are both stoned, cuddled up me leaned again his arms around me, he asks me why shooting star, what is the meaning behind it.
I guess it is hard, I don’t talk about them much, when I do, and I get teared up. Two girls who touched my life, and one of the best memories I have is driving around some country back roads just blaring a song on the cd player all three of us singing” Like a shooting star were ever you are I will be there right by your side” memories of the past, friendships thought to be lost,, but not lost only misplaced. I am not sure he saw the look on my face,,, maybe the tears or the smile, but he knew I was thinking back, and kissed my cheek and said,,, not all is forgotten, no worries little angel.” Some how he and others over the last month have named me that. Something in that started the next conversation, one that I was so scared of approaching all night.
He asks me, am I willing to commit to him, straight faced, open hearted a look I have never seen from him and the only thing I could say, is I am not planning on looking for anyone else but I am not ready to commit I need more time. He nods and kisses me on the cheek, and says that was the best he could hope for.
Words swaying in my head, feeling guilt for this and other things, doing what I do best
Letting it tear me apart. But the night ends with no sleep, my mind more on him, my best friend, and now these two girls. Tears roll down my cheek but I am carefully turned away,,, maybe he knew,, all night with every turn I moved he asked if I was okay, every time, I answered yes babe just go back to sleep. Maybe I am not so well hidden. ………
Night 2.
Wondering how I am gona keep my eyes open all night as I put on the make up and search through my clothes, nothing fits anymore,, seems the more I don’t pay attention to it , the more the weight keeps coming off. Clothes that fit me when he was here seem to hang on me. Lil bro comes over, his plan to go with me has changed, he is running a fever, and needs to sleep. No worries, I rather be alone feeling tonight is my night. I want to dance the night away, no worries of even having to look over to see if anyone is around me. I just need to dance. Denying the pleas with lil bro for me to not go,,, and having to explain to everyone around me, I am 32 yr old capable woman of going out to a club alone and making it home. No intentions of doing drugs or even drinking, just dance.
A night I planned for 3 weeks. Nothing was going to stop me.
Arriving about on time, I hand over my ID and something odd happens, the guy looks at my driver’s license and takes it and walks away. Confused, I know I look younger then I am, but come on I am over 21. Annoyed another staff member walks up to me and says, Micro canceled he can’t get through the snow. But stay there is no charge and the music should be good. Pissed off now wondering was my License and this other man had wondered off to. I wait, then he comes back and puts something on my wrist and says go on in, no emotion, no explanation of why, why is this pink neon wrist thing on me. I walk in, annoyed now I been marked looking around for the other tagged I see no one.
Things are twisted here I have decided, techno music, being listened to by Coked up Vail rich snobs, or the drunks who come ever on every night of the week, hoping to get laid. Not the prettiest site, the first DJ keeps train wrecking, no one having a clue to any taste of music they start to dance. I sit annoyed and wondering why I am not in bed instead of this place.
Then two girls walk up to me, figures, they aren’t locals they are coli girls, I can only laugh, for my own reasons I keep to myself. They just wanting to hang out,,, we all end up dancing after do one finally goes away, dj2 is not starting,, music is better, but the joke is the dancers I the club,,,,, ever seen coked up snobs bouncing up and down to techno music, I have decided after about the first 5 minutes of laughing, it just plain sad.
But I danced that night, I didn’t worry about the two young woman who were dancing, I just danced, hours going by, me not paying attention, sober is my body,, lost is my mind. But the music stops, Do, is about to speak.
“We have a dedication tonight, for little angel, and it reads, Tonight little angel your free knowing, if you ever need me or them, we are only a shooting star away. - Casey”
Then a man walks up behind me and hands me a rose and a card. Taking all this in as quick as my tired head can, I open the card.
On the front of the card, a miniature picture collage, of friends even of the girls I miss so much, even my best friends the same pictures of have on my wall. I open the card and it one side is a picture of him. One taken recently, snow was in the background him in front of his worksite. Confused and stunned I read.
Tonight I wanted you to know, not all the times you gave your heart away has been a mistake. Not all the times when you thought your heart was broken, was it really just opening up to a new level of love. So dance your heart out, and the let the music flow, just know, there are people everywhere who love you. ----Casey.
Not hearing the music anymore, I walked out, I didn’t call him, and I knew he was enjoying the sleep I so wanted. I headed home.
Looking now at the night that has ended only to be known it all started the night before.
Night 1.
Sitting on the motel bed, crossed legged talking for hours about everything under the sun
Not excluding my best friend miles away that I had talked to hours earlier, or the two friends I missed so much. He was the one who brought it up not me, he has seen there pictures on the wall, and my new little sign and frame I made and put up on my wall. That says “Shooting Star” a reminder to me; things are precious in life that you can’t take for granted. At this point we are both stoned, cuddled up me leaned again his arms around me, he asks me why shooting star, what is the meaning behind it.
I guess it is hard, I don’t talk about them much, when I do, and I get teared up. Two girls who touched my life, and one of the best memories I have is driving around some country back roads just blaring a song on the cd player all three of us singing” Like a shooting star were ever you are I will be there right by your side” memories of the past, friendships thought to be lost,, but not lost only misplaced. I am not sure he saw the look on my face,,, maybe the tears or the smile, but he knew I was thinking back, and kissed my cheek and said,,, not all is forgotten, no worries little angel.” Some how he and others over the last month have named me that. Something in that started the next conversation, one that I was so scared of approaching all night.
He asks me, am I willing to commit to him, straight faced, open hearted a look I have never seen from him and the only thing I could say, is I am not planning on looking for anyone else but I am not ready to commit I need more time. He nods and kisses me on the cheek, and says that was the best he could hope for.
Words swaying in my head, feeling guilt for this and other things, doing what I do best
Letting it tear me apart. But the night ends with no sleep, my mind more on him, my best friend, and now these two girls. Tears roll down my cheek but I am carefully turned away,,, maybe he knew,, all night with every turn I moved he asked if I was okay, every time, I answered yes babe just go back to sleep. Maybe I am not so well hidden. ………
Night 2.
Wondering how I am gona keep my eyes open all night as I put on the make up and search through my clothes, nothing fits anymore,, seems the more I don’t pay attention to it , the more the weight keeps coming off. Clothes that fit me when he was here seem to hang on me. Lil bro comes over, his plan to go with me has changed, he is running a fever, and needs to sleep. No worries, I rather be alone feeling tonight is my night. I want to dance the night away, no worries of even having to look over to see if anyone is around me. I just need to dance. Denying the pleas with lil bro for me to not go,,, and having to explain to everyone around me, I am 32 yr old capable woman of going out to a club alone and making it home. No intentions of doing drugs or even drinking, just dance.
A night I planned for 3 weeks. Nothing was going to stop me.
Arriving about on time, I hand over my ID and something odd happens, the guy looks at my driver’s license and takes it and walks away. Confused, I know I look younger then I am, but come on I am over 21. Annoyed another staff member walks up to me and says, Micro canceled he can’t get through the snow. But stay there is no charge and the music should be good. Pissed off now wondering was my License and this other man had wondered off to. I wait, then he comes back and puts something on my wrist and says go on in, no emotion, no explanation of why, why is this pink neon wrist thing on me. I walk in, annoyed now I been marked looking around for the other tagged I see no one.
Things are twisted here I have decided, techno music, being listened to by Coked up Vail rich snobs, or the drunks who come ever on every night of the week, hoping to get laid. Not the prettiest site, the first DJ keeps train wrecking, no one having a clue to any taste of music they start to dance. I sit annoyed and wondering why I am not in bed instead of this place.
Then two girls walk up to me, figures, they aren’t locals they are coli girls, I can only laugh, for my own reasons I keep to myself. They just wanting to hang out,,, we all end up dancing after do one finally goes away, dj2 is not starting,, music is better, but the joke is the dancers I the club,,,,, ever seen coked up snobs bouncing up and down to techno music, I have decided after about the first 5 minutes of laughing, it just plain sad.
But I danced that night, I didn’t worry about the two young woman who were dancing, I just danced, hours going by, me not paying attention, sober is my body,, lost is my mind. But the music stops, Do, is about to speak.
“We have a dedication tonight, for little angel, and it reads, Tonight little angel your free knowing, if you ever need me or them, we are only a shooting star away. - Casey”
Then a man walks up behind me and hands me a rose and a card. Taking all this in as quick as my tired head can, I open the card.
On the front of the card, a miniature picture collage, of friends even of the girls I miss so much, even my best friends the same pictures of have on my wall. I open the card and it one side is a picture of him. One taken recently, snow was in the background him in front of his worksite. Confused and stunned I read.
Tonight I wanted you to know, not all the times you gave your heart away has been a mistake. Not all the times when you thought your heart was broken, was it really just opening up to a new level of love. So dance your heart out, and the let the music flow, just know, there are people everywhere who love you. ----Casey.
Not hearing the music anymore, I walked out, I didn’t call him, and I knew he was enjoying the sleep I so wanted. I headed home.
