ladyhlove
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2017
- Messages
- 509
I have posted some lately but I'm going to make this my official recovery thread. I know that having support is key in the recovery process and, since none of my friends use, I need somewhere and someone to let it out to. Here is goes.
I'm Kate. I'm 31 and, from first glance, I'm your typical girl. I have a good job as a paralegal, I have a cute little house in the city with a big rottweiler, I have a very active social life with an abundance of friends. No one would guess that I am a heroin addict.
While the only thing I really ever abused for much of my 20's has been alcohol, I always had a thing for pain pills. I didn't use them too often, but if they came around I would always get a few and really enjoy the feeling they gave me. I suffer from intense depression, and have since my teenage years, and it sometimes makes it so the simple things in life (like cleaning, keeping up with homework in school, etc) seem very difficult to do. I always loved the feeling opiates gave me and, instead of nodding out and being lazy, I always felt this intense motivation and happiness on pills. I always knew if I found a regular supplier, I would be in trouble. And then I did, and then I was.
I began using pills almost daily. Not all day, but I would pretty much pick up a dose high enough to get me high every night after work. Usually between 40-80mg of oxy depending upon my tolerance at that given time. This lasted about a year and a half. I quit for a few days periodically when I was out of money or couldn't find pills, but never for more than a week. This kept going until the boyfriend I had at the time found out and left me. I went CT after this breakup for about 3 weeks and got myself fairly back to normal. However, I found myself still using on occasion, but not regularly, for a few months.
A few months later I met the love of my life. He was(is) the perfect man for me and we fell head over heels for each other. I found myself so happy in this new relationship that I didnt even want to use pills. I was honest and open with him about everything involving my past use, and he was incredibly supportive of me. Months went by in this relationship and I found myself using occasionally again. The occasional use began to happen more and more frequently and eventually I was back to using pretty much everyday. I didn't tell him about this use for fear he would leave me. However, as to be expected, my escalating pill use did a lot of damage to me financially. I knew I couldn't keep up with the cost of using pills and then one of my dealers gave me a sample of heroin to try. I resisted for a few days but, one morning while broke and out of pills, I chopped up a small line and tried it. It got me so high from the smallest amount, I thought to myself "Oh! I should just start doing this! $100 of this will get me high for days!". Big fucking mistake.
So then I began snorting H. All day, everyday, and have for the past 7 or 8 months now. As one would expect, people started to catch on, namely the boyfriend. He knew something was going on, he just couldn't put his finger on it. He eventually found my stash one night while I was out picking up cigarettes and was very upset, naturally. We had an all night talk where I confessed to him everything about my addiction and how I wanted to stop. He decided to give me another chance and I vowed I would quit. But I didn't. I tried, I really did, but the withdrawals were so incredibly bad. I had WD'd before from pills, but from H this was a whole other monster. I ended up back on the H, albeit using less than before, and was just very careful about making sure he didn't find out. I kept this up for several months until last week. I thought he was napping and I busted out 2 lines on the coffee table. He came out and saw it. I could deny all I wanted, but I was caught. He left me.
It's been about a week since that happened and I've been looking into all sorts of recovery options. I want to quit very badly. I've known deep down that my life was going to fall apart eventually because of this drug use, and him leaving me is the first step in that. I know its only a matter of time before my job catches on and I lose my career I've worked so hard to get and then my home, my friends, my rottweiler...everything. It's time to quit. I have decided on a clinic near my house that does an outpatient program involving suboxone, group therapy, and sessions with a counselor. I think this approach will work for me. Going CT during this breakup will probably kill me and I need to figure out why I continue to keep using despite all the negative repercussions that keep happening. I've been using this past week still but tonight at 9pm is the deadline for me to stop if I want to start this program in the morning. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified. I've been through WD a number of times and I know how it makes me feel. I know its going to be even tougher taking all of this on alone as well, without my boyfriend by my side, but I can't expect him to stick around. He doesn't trust me anymore and I know that. He still loves me dearly and wants to be there for me through this, though. He didn't want to leave me but he knows this needs to be done for me to truly make changes in my life. I know if I end up getting clean and staying clean he'll probably end up giving me another chance..but I need to do this for me. not for him. I know, even if he and I never get back together, I will just continue to ruin every relationship I get into if I keep using drugs.
So that's my story. Tomorrow morning is the beginning of my (hopefully) new life. I'm terrified but, like I previously stated, this needs to happen or my life is going to fall apart completely. I will keep this updated. Thanks for reading BL.
I'm Kate. I'm 31 and, from first glance, I'm your typical girl. I have a good job as a paralegal, I have a cute little house in the city with a big rottweiler, I have a very active social life with an abundance of friends. No one would guess that I am a heroin addict.
While the only thing I really ever abused for much of my 20's has been alcohol, I always had a thing for pain pills. I didn't use them too often, but if they came around I would always get a few and really enjoy the feeling they gave me. I suffer from intense depression, and have since my teenage years, and it sometimes makes it so the simple things in life (like cleaning, keeping up with homework in school, etc) seem very difficult to do. I always loved the feeling opiates gave me and, instead of nodding out and being lazy, I always felt this intense motivation and happiness on pills. I always knew if I found a regular supplier, I would be in trouble. And then I did, and then I was.
I began using pills almost daily. Not all day, but I would pretty much pick up a dose high enough to get me high every night after work. Usually between 40-80mg of oxy depending upon my tolerance at that given time. This lasted about a year and a half. I quit for a few days periodically when I was out of money or couldn't find pills, but never for more than a week. This kept going until the boyfriend I had at the time found out and left me. I went CT after this breakup for about 3 weeks and got myself fairly back to normal. However, I found myself still using on occasion, but not regularly, for a few months.
A few months later I met the love of my life. He was(is) the perfect man for me and we fell head over heels for each other. I found myself so happy in this new relationship that I didnt even want to use pills. I was honest and open with him about everything involving my past use, and he was incredibly supportive of me. Months went by in this relationship and I found myself using occasionally again. The occasional use began to happen more and more frequently and eventually I was back to using pretty much everyday. I didn't tell him about this use for fear he would leave me. However, as to be expected, my escalating pill use did a lot of damage to me financially. I knew I couldn't keep up with the cost of using pills and then one of my dealers gave me a sample of heroin to try. I resisted for a few days but, one morning while broke and out of pills, I chopped up a small line and tried it. It got me so high from the smallest amount, I thought to myself "Oh! I should just start doing this! $100 of this will get me high for days!". Big fucking mistake.
So then I began snorting H. All day, everyday, and have for the past 7 or 8 months now. As one would expect, people started to catch on, namely the boyfriend. He knew something was going on, he just couldn't put his finger on it. He eventually found my stash one night while I was out picking up cigarettes and was very upset, naturally. We had an all night talk where I confessed to him everything about my addiction and how I wanted to stop. He decided to give me another chance and I vowed I would quit. But I didn't. I tried, I really did, but the withdrawals were so incredibly bad. I had WD'd before from pills, but from H this was a whole other monster. I ended up back on the H, albeit using less than before, and was just very careful about making sure he didn't find out. I kept this up for several months until last week. I thought he was napping and I busted out 2 lines on the coffee table. He came out and saw it. I could deny all I wanted, but I was caught. He left me.
It's been about a week since that happened and I've been looking into all sorts of recovery options. I want to quit very badly. I've known deep down that my life was going to fall apart eventually because of this drug use, and him leaving me is the first step in that. I know its only a matter of time before my job catches on and I lose my career I've worked so hard to get and then my home, my friends, my rottweiler...everything. It's time to quit. I have decided on a clinic near my house that does an outpatient program involving suboxone, group therapy, and sessions with a counselor. I think this approach will work for me. Going CT during this breakup will probably kill me and I need to figure out why I continue to keep using despite all the negative repercussions that keep happening. I've been using this past week still but tonight at 9pm is the deadline for me to stop if I want to start this program in the morning. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified. I've been through WD a number of times and I know how it makes me feel. I know its going to be even tougher taking all of this on alone as well, without my boyfriend by my side, but I can't expect him to stick around. He doesn't trust me anymore and I know that. He still loves me dearly and wants to be there for me through this, though. He didn't want to leave me but he knows this needs to be done for me to truly make changes in my life. I know if I end up getting clean and staying clean he'll probably end up giving me another chance..but I need to do this for me. not for him. I know, even if he and I never get back together, I will just continue to ruin every relationship I get into if I keep using drugs.
So that's my story. Tomorrow morning is the beginning of my (hopefully) new life. I'm terrified but, like I previously stated, this needs to happen or my life is going to fall apart completely. I will keep this updated. Thanks for reading BL.