LandsUnknown
Bluelighter
While there have been a handful of other occasions where I blacked out, what I did on this occasion absolutely left me in shock. In fact, I was so flabbergasted by starting to remember the next day that I just pushed the memories aside and told myself it couldn't have ever happened. Basically, I awoke one morning after a drunken night wondering if I had sucked someone off, due to some very murky sense of having done this. Then, I began to recall some bits and pieces but not the act itself (e.g. just getting into position basically). I also physically felt as one could expect to possibly feel after doing such a thing, but I didn't really recognize the sensation at the time. Just recognized it as something completely unfamiliar. However, as a guy who thought of myself as straight at the time, I didn't even go there. I just brushed the whole thing off as "no way could I have done such a thing last night". I pretty much instinctively just stuck my head in the sand. Therefore, I didn't really recall more.
As time went on, I eventually came to accept myself and then thought back on this, which led me to actually recalling a bit more of it at times in bits and pieces. Strangely, the day after it happened, I talked to my mom about how I had kind of a "strange" sore throat (e.g. not really recognizing the sensation for what it was, as I had no prior experience, just knew that it was something completely unfamiliar). Plus, I just couldn't really handle thinking I had done such a thing. It isn't as if this experience MADE me become gay, because I did have thoughts/dreams about things prior. I had also questioned myself, but the idea that I had actually DONE something was unfathomable at the time. Though, given how I had these murky memories and felt the way I felt, I must've. However, there are some other strange elements to this story. One is the fact that I called my mom after I was walking home. I was drunk but capable of having normal conversations and everything.
Though, I did continue to drink after getting back home (can recall having a couple high-gravity beers while home after talking on the phone). I also can remember thinking that it was a bit early in the evening when I was coming home and may have even been entertaining the idea of heading back out. So, it's possible that after drinking more, I blacked out, went back out, and somehow one thing led to another and this happened. In that case, I would've been truly blacked out. Otherwise, I would've basically just "not remembered", partly due to willfully forgetting it. I honestly don't know. Also, shockingly, I don't really know who it was. I have an idea (e.g. someone in a friend of a friend's band, though I don't know who). Also, it's strange how I have (in bits and pieces) remembered certain things (e.g. the act itself) long after once I allowed myself to.
Truthfully, I wonder whether I'd have remembered more (e.g. who it was and all) if I had actually put together the fact that I had a murky sense and fuzzy memories with how I felt and actually tried to recall the previous night. After all, I wasn't passed out or anything like that. I was walking around, interacting, and even walked home. It's not like someone had their way with me in an unconscious stupor. Also, aside from cannabis/THC, I wasn't consuming other substances. Just alcohol. So, it does make me wonder if my own attitude of denial played a role in the "blackout". The thing is too that it's not like I truly didn't remember ANYTHING. I just told myself that there's no way my murky/fuzzy memory was accurate or that it was somehow not what it seemed. Nowadays, I just feel like it is what it is. Can't rewrite history.
Still, the whole experience of doing something in a drunken (and likely partly denial-driven) blackout is pretty fucked up really. Like, if I think about it, the fact that my memory is so fuzzy, murky, and limited (e.g. not really remembering much and not even knowing who exactly it was) drives me crazy if I focus on it too much. I've never told anybody about this either.
As time went on, I eventually came to accept myself and then thought back on this, which led me to actually recalling a bit more of it at times in bits and pieces. Strangely, the day after it happened, I talked to my mom about how I had kind of a "strange" sore throat (e.g. not really recognizing the sensation for what it was, as I had no prior experience, just knew that it was something completely unfamiliar). Plus, I just couldn't really handle thinking I had done such a thing. It isn't as if this experience MADE me become gay, because I did have thoughts/dreams about things prior. I had also questioned myself, but the idea that I had actually DONE something was unfathomable at the time. Though, given how I had these murky memories and felt the way I felt, I must've. However, there are some other strange elements to this story. One is the fact that I called my mom after I was walking home. I was drunk but capable of having normal conversations and everything.
Though, I did continue to drink after getting back home (can recall having a couple high-gravity beers while home after talking on the phone). I also can remember thinking that it was a bit early in the evening when I was coming home and may have even been entertaining the idea of heading back out. So, it's possible that after drinking more, I blacked out, went back out, and somehow one thing led to another and this happened. In that case, I would've been truly blacked out. Otherwise, I would've basically just "not remembered", partly due to willfully forgetting it. I honestly don't know. Also, shockingly, I don't really know who it was. I have an idea (e.g. someone in a friend of a friend's band, though I don't know who). Also, it's strange how I have (in bits and pieces) remembered certain things (e.g. the act itself) long after once I allowed myself to.
Truthfully, I wonder whether I'd have remembered more (e.g. who it was and all) if I had actually put together the fact that I had a murky sense and fuzzy memories with how I felt and actually tried to recall the previous night. After all, I wasn't passed out or anything like that. I was walking around, interacting, and even walked home. It's not like someone had their way with me in an unconscious stupor. Also, aside from cannabis/THC, I wasn't consuming other substances. Just alcohol. So, it does make me wonder if my own attitude of denial played a role in the "blackout". The thing is too that it's not like I truly didn't remember ANYTHING. I just told myself that there's no way my murky/fuzzy memory was accurate or that it was somehow not what it seemed. Nowadays, I just feel like it is what it is. Can't rewrite history.
Still, the whole experience of doing something in a drunken (and likely partly denial-driven) blackout is pretty fucked up really. Like, if I think about it, the fact that my memory is so fuzzy, murky, and limited (e.g. not really remembering much and not even knowing who exactly it was) drives me crazy if I focus on it too much. I've never told anybody about this either.
