jeebus13
Bluelighter
I want to tell you something...
Everything, actually.
I want to share 'me' with you.
Maybe I should warn you there are some things that you may not like. Some things I have no excuse for. I do not lead a PG life.
I am a hopeless egomaniac. I don't seem to fit anywhere, but HOME calls to me insistently from the road. I have lost all belief in morals, religion, heaven, and monogamy. Somehow I just can't quite believe that any of these silly ideas are anything more than ancient dreams that have never really existed.
I just want to give you a true look at all of me. I want you to know that I've done drugs like they were going out of style, which they will never be, by the way. It's easier to name the one's I haven't done than those that I have. I look on all those times with fear and awe. I have tasted the bitter and the sweet. I have known the endless nights of shivers and paranoia that cocaine and speed bring with them. I have known the dream of the world to let me briefly stir the part of me that sleeps in life's waiting rooom, while stopping my internal dialogue on whatever hallucinogen was fashionable at the moment. I have slid unmentionables through syringes into perenially aching veins. I have spit cartilage from my nose like it was a circus trick. I have partied like some tragic rock star on paved roads that lead nowhere. I have felt joys so simple and innocent that trying to give them words brings back tears that I never had the heart to shed in the first place.
I have died and been resurrected in Sunday morning bars of furious flirtation and much skirt chasing. I have smoked almost everything for almost eleven years and I can still run flat out for thirty minutes. I have known love and lust and the differences between the two that breaks hearts. I have loved women, girls, AND chicks and have sold them my soul while chanting that they, "obviously do NOT know what they are getting themselves into." I have cheated annd been cheated on by someones and no ones-- I stole my best friend's girl and had her stolen. I have kissed and told.
I have lost friends and family to ignorance, anger, fear, shame, love, death, and dreams. I have fought good fights and won and lost. I never give up unless I'm bored. I am hopelessly in love with the whole world onne person at a time and I believe that the world would save itself if only we would let it. I have known nights that had a life and soul of their very own and kissed them fiercely on the mouth as they passed.
I have lived lives in twenty-two years that million years couldn't explain and wouldn't try if it could. I have found people who give so purely and selflessly that their names have become prayers to me. I have held starry nights in my sweating palms. I have told stories of faith, glory, and shame and I can see the beauty in a well-told lie. I have seen the devil and it is apathy and it is winning. Merchants and their mindsets have bought and sold me.
Mostly, I want you to know my joy. I want you to see the hopes and dreams I have, that someday we may all wake up to REAL life.
I crave knowledge like it was my life's blood. The only limits I have ever known are at the edge of my imagination and they are waiting for my consciousness to dream them into utter submission. And I want you to know that I can see you across the miles and I am constantly surprised and delighted.
I want to know.
I want us to know.
I still remember what we're all supposed to forget and I know you do too.
I am free and soo are you.
So here I am, your son, your brother, your father, your friend...
a cruelly beautiful mess... take me for what I'm worth.
I'm yours.
Everything, actually.
I want to share 'me' with you.
Maybe I should warn you there are some things that you may not like. Some things I have no excuse for. I do not lead a PG life.
I am a hopeless egomaniac. I don't seem to fit anywhere, but HOME calls to me insistently from the road. I have lost all belief in morals, religion, heaven, and monogamy. Somehow I just can't quite believe that any of these silly ideas are anything more than ancient dreams that have never really existed.
I just want to give you a true look at all of me. I want you to know that I've done drugs like they were going out of style, which they will never be, by the way. It's easier to name the one's I haven't done than those that I have. I look on all those times with fear and awe. I have tasted the bitter and the sweet. I have known the endless nights of shivers and paranoia that cocaine and speed bring with them. I have known the dream of the world to let me briefly stir the part of me that sleeps in life's waiting rooom, while stopping my internal dialogue on whatever hallucinogen was fashionable at the moment. I have slid unmentionables through syringes into perenially aching veins. I have spit cartilage from my nose like it was a circus trick. I have partied like some tragic rock star on paved roads that lead nowhere. I have felt joys so simple and innocent that trying to give them words brings back tears that I never had the heart to shed in the first place.
I have died and been resurrected in Sunday morning bars of furious flirtation and much skirt chasing. I have smoked almost everything for almost eleven years and I can still run flat out for thirty minutes. I have known love and lust and the differences between the two that breaks hearts. I have loved women, girls, AND chicks and have sold them my soul while chanting that they, "obviously do NOT know what they are getting themselves into." I have cheated annd been cheated on by someones and no ones-- I stole my best friend's girl and had her stolen. I have kissed and told.
I have lost friends and family to ignorance, anger, fear, shame, love, death, and dreams. I have fought good fights and won and lost. I never give up unless I'm bored. I am hopelessly in love with the whole world onne person at a time and I believe that the world would save itself if only we would let it. I have known nights that had a life and soul of their very own and kissed them fiercely on the mouth as they passed.
I have lived lives in twenty-two years that million years couldn't explain and wouldn't try if it could. I have found people who give so purely and selflessly that their names have become prayers to me. I have held starry nights in my sweating palms. I have told stories of faith, glory, and shame and I can see the beauty in a well-told lie. I have seen the devil and it is apathy and it is winning. Merchants and their mindsets have bought and sold me.
Mostly, I want you to know my joy. I want you to see the hopes and dreams I have, that someday we may all wake up to REAL life.
I crave knowledge like it was my life's blood. The only limits I have ever known are at the edge of my imagination and they are waiting for my consciousness to dream them into utter submission. And I want you to know that I can see you across the miles and I am constantly surprised and delighted.
I want to know.
I want us to know.
I still remember what we're all supposed to forget and I know you do too.
I am free and soo are you.
So here I am, your son, your brother, your father, your friend...
a cruelly beautiful mess... take me for what I'm worth.
I'm yours.
