This is going to be a blog with a general self psychoanalysis of the things that effected my life when they happened and that still are till this day.I know what some ppl are asking at this point: Whats the reason of such a revealing thing?Are you not afraid of ridicule? And of course,how boring is this really gonna be?.
First, the reason I am publicly making access to what some would call intimate information about myself is because I wish 2 show that I am comfortable with myself and my life.Second, comment as you plz,ridicule will not be deleted bc it is part of life. Also, I am not afraid of your ridicule,nor care about it or want your sympathy or your condolances...Finally,let me say that I hope this is far from boring bc while reading thru, I DARE OTHER BLUELIGHTERS 2 ASK THEMSELVES,COULD I PSYCOANALYSIS MYSELF IN THIS WAY,MUCH LESS FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH 2 LET THE PUBLIC SEE? It will b this chance 2 compare and contrast my life to the life of the reader. Finally, the most important reason that I do write this is in the hope that it helps ppl...whether it is several ppl or just a single individual...
Introduction By: Pariahprose
EARLY LIFE EVENTS
June 11,1998-Born. I have my mother and father of course,but also a half brother 7 yrs older than me. We have the same mom, but different dads...
July 1,1993- My brother and dad die in Little River.My brother apparently was caught by an undercurrent while trying to save my dad who had had a heart attack in the water
June 30th,1995-My mother remarries. The man she marries has no kids of his own and is actually sterile. They date for about six months before their marriage...
1995-(2004)- Mental abuse and physical abuse,though mostly mental. Called me names at a young age that a kid shouldnt be called, forced me to work in 100+ weather without breaks for water,Left me in the corner sometimes on one foot for hrs on end with the threat of a belt 2 keep me in, talked to me about an affair he had with the neighbor(even had her show me her saggy nasty tits),made me watch porn movies and showed me magazines, took me with him while he was trying 2 get a woman drunk and bring her back 2 our house for an affair n the bed that he and my mom slept in...He was eventually diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic
June 21,2001- In a car wreck with my grandmas that killed her,but should have killed me as well.
HOW THESE 4 EVENTS AFFECT MY CURRENT SELF
The first and probably strongest factor that is psychologically at play in my life is the death of my brother and father. This has caused me to want nothing more than to be a father. It has also engrained in me the feeling that part of my meaning in life deals with protecting and healing,as my brother made the ultimate sacrifce to try and protect my father...Their deaths also gave me a very deep feel for the idea/feelings of death(a double funeral is just so overbearing with that concept). However,it should be noted that since I was only five when their deaths happened, I didnt comprehend death really.
The second and probably second strongest factor in my psychology is that of my step dad. I have always viewed him as more of an anti-dad. I feel my mother simply married him to where I would have a father figure in my life(she was just following what she felt was right X.x),though she did not realize I thought of it as trying to replace my father. As for the psychological impact of the mental and physical abuse,the mental abuse altered my perception the most.The name calling resulted in a diminished sense of confidence. The sexual comments,material, and situations caused me to fantasize about sex younger than most and created almost an addiction to porn in a child/teen already shy and socially awkward.His diagnosis showed me an excuse for his behavior(though there is none) and even offered pity,insight,and understanding into his mind.Which resulted in reinforcing aspects of his personality into my own.
The death of my grandmother was my first brush with death. I loved her very much. The smell of twisted metal still makes me cringe and reminds me of the stinch of my grandmas melted flesh on the left side of her face. However,the most profound impact of this wreck was that it took me to this point to grieve for my brother and dad. I didnt know how to deal with the emotions of grief psychologically at this time so it was at this age I turned to drugs to ease those emotions...
These are just the first few major events that have shaped my mindset...more will be posted later...but keep in mind the effect that these have on my psychology of other events in my life...
Pariahprose
First, the reason I am publicly making access to what some would call intimate information about myself is because I wish 2 show that I am comfortable with myself and my life.Second, comment as you plz,ridicule will not be deleted bc it is part of life. Also, I am not afraid of your ridicule,nor care about it or want your sympathy or your condolances...Finally,let me say that I hope this is far from boring bc while reading thru, I DARE OTHER BLUELIGHTERS 2 ASK THEMSELVES,COULD I PSYCOANALYSIS MYSELF IN THIS WAY,MUCH LESS FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH 2 LET THE PUBLIC SEE? It will b this chance 2 compare and contrast my life to the life of the reader. Finally, the most important reason that I do write this is in the hope that it helps ppl...whether it is several ppl or just a single individual...
Introduction By: Pariahprose
EARLY LIFE EVENTS
June 11,1998-Born. I have my mother and father of course,but also a half brother 7 yrs older than me. We have the same mom, but different dads...
July 1,1993- My brother and dad die in Little River.My brother apparently was caught by an undercurrent while trying to save my dad who had had a heart attack in the water
June 30th,1995-My mother remarries. The man she marries has no kids of his own and is actually sterile. They date for about six months before their marriage...
1995-(2004)- Mental abuse and physical abuse,though mostly mental. Called me names at a young age that a kid shouldnt be called, forced me to work in 100+ weather without breaks for water,Left me in the corner sometimes on one foot for hrs on end with the threat of a belt 2 keep me in, talked to me about an affair he had with the neighbor(even had her show me her saggy nasty tits),made me watch porn movies and showed me magazines, took me with him while he was trying 2 get a woman drunk and bring her back 2 our house for an affair n the bed that he and my mom slept in...He was eventually diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic
June 21,2001- In a car wreck with my grandmas that killed her,but should have killed me as well.
HOW THESE 4 EVENTS AFFECT MY CURRENT SELF
The first and probably strongest factor that is psychologically at play in my life is the death of my brother and father. This has caused me to want nothing more than to be a father. It has also engrained in me the feeling that part of my meaning in life deals with protecting and healing,as my brother made the ultimate sacrifce to try and protect my father...Their deaths also gave me a very deep feel for the idea/feelings of death(a double funeral is just so overbearing with that concept). However,it should be noted that since I was only five when their deaths happened, I didnt comprehend death really.
The second and probably second strongest factor in my psychology is that of my step dad. I have always viewed him as more of an anti-dad. I feel my mother simply married him to where I would have a father figure in my life(she was just following what she felt was right X.x),though she did not realize I thought of it as trying to replace my father. As for the psychological impact of the mental and physical abuse,the mental abuse altered my perception the most.The name calling resulted in a diminished sense of confidence. The sexual comments,material, and situations caused me to fantasize about sex younger than most and created almost an addiction to porn in a child/teen already shy and socially awkward.His diagnosis showed me an excuse for his behavior(though there is none) and even offered pity,insight,and understanding into his mind.Which resulted in reinforcing aspects of his personality into my own.
The death of my grandmother was my first brush with death. I loved her very much. The smell of twisted metal still makes me cringe and reminds me of the stinch of my grandmas melted flesh on the left side of her face. However,the most profound impact of this wreck was that it took me to this point to grieve for my brother and dad. I didnt know how to deal with the emotions of grief psychologically at this time so it was at this age I turned to drugs to ease those emotions...
These are just the first few major events that have shaped my mindset...more will be posted later...but keep in mind the effect that these have on my psychology of other events in my life...
Pariahprose