a friend wrote this

[lostNfound]

not the kind of thing i would write
for what it is please critique.
i didnt want to say so bluntly i dont like it.



So once again I sit and wonder don’t got the time to even ask why,

I serenade my thoughts at night with hawk and eagle eyes,

To in depth to change to damn focused to remain the same,

I hold intensity that pro car drivers inflict when changing lanes,

Some see a mission, but all I see is challenges

To step up take control and deliver lyrical damages,

A fucked up world that holds birth to who I am,

Never letting negative people mirror my thoughts just like they can,

The dieing thoughts of starving child in Africa,

To damn angry to take control cause that son of a bitch life is after ya,

Life’s to quick but seems to be so damn slow for some of us,

From crack addicts to young mothers the homeless giving the streets now back to us,

I live in wars affected by greed and Americas oil

I live in a world with climbing co2 from Americas oil,

I live in change of state and I hope we live in a change of mind,

I drop the mic right here polish my thoughts and finish with this deep as line,

No crowd controlling jumping high your hands are far from falling,

I burnt the mike like a house fire alight n without no warning,

Young mc’s see and think ya know they got some skills,

But never willing to commit and stop the life of thrills,

So lock yourself up put the pipe down and hide the green,

I turn my thoughts like bundled clothes right out the wash machine,

I’m juggarnaught so gargantuan like goliaths father,

Separate myself from dirty phenes and now I got the power,

 

[Jabberwocky]

if your looking for a critisism i would say that the individual lines done feel connected and dont really have a theme. Even if the theme was chaotic they sound stand alone. He has some good descriptive meta words that call back to emotions but i am busy sussing those emotions out to be able to cogently read the form.

I would love for this poem to be reworked because it has alot of potential it just need a structure and lacking a structure at least a better idea of how to steer the chaos.

 

[lolitsjohn]

I read half of it under the impression that it was a poem, before realizing that it is a "rap" (I think). Either way it's insipid; deals with cliche topics in a cliche manner.