I stopped using really anything for a good 6 or 7 months after I found my usage getting way out of hand. I had previously been using Codeine, Kratom, DXM, and Diazepam off and on (and more on than off at the end).
In that time I've finished I think my best album, and things were going really well. I've moved into a rough sort of neighborhood for the past few months. It was tricky at first because things were pretty boring, but other than smoking weed a couple of times I kept my mind occupied.
Lately winter is coming and my emotions are getting erratic. The other day, I walked outside and there were cop cars everywhere. People on the street were running and yelling for me to get out of the way. I was a bit freaked out, and walked all the way downtown (11km in all) to get away from it. As I walked, I noticed all the buses were short turning before my street.
A friend texted and told me that someone had been shot on our block. I went and visited some friends but then they all dispersed after about a half hour.
I really wanted to be with someone, I didn't want to go back alone. I ended up buying some kratom and doing it.
Now I'm on Codeine, again, after I'd told myself I wouldn't. I can't really blame it on being freaked out about the shooting, although realizing how close I'd come to being in the crossfire did give me a LOT of stress (this happened in broad daylight! Two houses up! Five minutes or so before I walked outside). I just feel so terrible emotionally these days, it's hard to escape, and I don't really know what to do, but I can't let myself fall back into codeine use anymore than I just have. It kills my creativity and ruins my relationships.
I'm also beginning to volunteer with a harm reduction group and I'll feel like such a tool if I can't stop myself from using opiates as a crutch (not that we are anti-drug). Sometimes I feel like I just take, take, and take from those around me, and I can't contribute to other people.
Tomorrow I have my first practice with my new band though, I hope having that positive goal finally achieved (I've been trying to get one together since I moved) will help me to keep my mind off of this. I'm such a better musician sober it's not even funny, and I am pretty damn serious about being the best I can possibly be.
Oh, as background, there's been an increase in gun violence in my city even in broad daylight, with several bystanders getting injured due to stray bullets. This stuff of course gets reported a lot in the media, but it is very bizarre because though it's always existed in the city, it would previously happen late at night and in isolated pockets.
In that time I've finished I think my best album, and things were going really well. I've moved into a rough sort of neighborhood for the past few months. It was tricky at first because things were pretty boring, but other than smoking weed a couple of times I kept my mind occupied.
Lately winter is coming and my emotions are getting erratic. The other day, I walked outside and there were cop cars everywhere. People on the street were running and yelling for me to get out of the way. I was a bit freaked out, and walked all the way downtown (11km in all) to get away from it. As I walked, I noticed all the buses were short turning before my street.
A friend texted and told me that someone had been shot on our block. I went and visited some friends but then they all dispersed after about a half hour.
I really wanted to be with someone, I didn't want to go back alone. I ended up buying some kratom and doing it.
Now I'm on Codeine, again, after I'd told myself I wouldn't. I can't really blame it on being freaked out about the shooting, although realizing how close I'd come to being in the crossfire did give me a LOT of stress (this happened in broad daylight! Two houses up! Five minutes or so before I walked outside). I just feel so terrible emotionally these days, it's hard to escape, and I don't really know what to do, but I can't let myself fall back into codeine use anymore than I just have. It kills my creativity and ruins my relationships.
I'm also beginning to volunteer with a harm reduction group and I'll feel like such a tool if I can't stop myself from using opiates as a crutch (not that we are anti-drug). Sometimes I feel like I just take, take, and take from those around me, and I can't contribute to other people.
Tomorrow I have my first practice with my new band though, I hope having that positive goal finally achieved (I've been trying to get one together since I moved) will help me to keep my mind off of this. I'm such a better musician sober it's not even funny, and I am pretty damn serious about being the best I can possibly be.
Oh, as background, there's been an increase in gun violence in my city even in broad daylight, with several bystanders getting injured due to stray bullets. This stuff of course gets reported a lot in the media, but it is very bizarre because though it's always existed in the city, it would previously happen late at night and in isolated pockets.
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