psychoblast
Bluelighter
5-meo-dipt, mdma, coke, ghb, weed -- semi-experienced -- Temporary Insanity!! (long)
This was a real hum-dinger of an experience, not sure I can fully do it justice, but I'll try as a way of sorting it all out in my head.
Substances:
15 mg of 5-meo-dipt ("foxy")
100 mg of mdma
coke
ghb
weed
I'm around 6'1", 200lbs. Going to see a concert, String Cheese Incident, at 8pm on a Saturday night. Saw their show on shrooms the night before with a girl I knew, then slept all day, then got up in time to go to this night's show alone (my ex-g/f and some of her friends were going to be there if I felt like hanging out with them). Skipped dinner to try to avoid any stomach upset from the 5-meo-dipt.
8pm -- Couple lines of coke to get me energized for the concert.
9pm -- Arrive an hour late to the concert (not worried about missing part of the first set since I saw them the night before). Drop 8mg 5-meo-dipt ("foxy") orally. Take 1 1/2 caps of ghb which I find mixes well with any non-depressant drugs and takes the edge off foxy.
9:30 -- Feeling pretty good, enjoying the music, but don't feel much of the foxy through the ghb. Not much in the way of body buzzing or anything. Could just be taking a while to come up. Also, I've previously thought I noticed some cross-tolerance between shrooms and foxy, so figured that could be part of it also.
10:15 -- Go to the bathroom, considering whether to do mdma or foxy. Finally, parachute about 3 mg of foxy and do a bump of coke.
11:00 -- Still having a mellow good time at the concert, nothing really significant.
11:30 -- Get stoned. Feeling energetic, dancy from the foxy, a little drunken feeling. The ghb should have worn off, so I think this is the stoned foxy sort of drunkenness. No urge to socialize with anyone, which is common with me from foxy.
12:30 -- Concert is near ending, I move out of the dark, front concert area to the back of the room and find a chair to sit in. WOW. Something different. The act of sitting and relaxing my muscles has brought a cloud of euphoria over me. I recall last time I did 8mg of foxy at home, and how I'd been laying in bed and the more I relaxed my muscles, the more pleasurable and near orgasmic it felt. So I sit there, relax my muscles, bob my head to the music (they play a version of Ring of Fire that just sounds incredible.)
1am -- The concert is over, they are piping some groovy music through the venue as people slowly leave. I keep sitting where I am, bobbing my head and feeling wrapped in a warm cloud of happiness with everything. It sort of felt like all the positive happiness of everyone at the concert, cheering for the band and the music, was a wave that I grabbed onto and rode higher and I still see all the smiling faces and happy people and I feel really great. Wow, it is almost like rolling for sheer euphoria, but I feel very clear-headed (weed must have worn off). It is like I look around and see everything, and know it is good, and feel content with it. I like this better than rolling because I feel so in control, not like rolling when I know I get stupid. I am also finding great pleasure in looking at the women around me. Definitely a sensual side to this.
1:30am Feeling this good, I sit in the parking lot on my tailgate watching the hippies selling grilled cheese sandwiches, water, t-shirts, pipes, etc., out of the back of their cars. Like a little hippie village in the parking lot. I can't find the energy to make conversation with anyone, just basking in their happy contentment and feeling it reflected in me. I was glad the euphoria had stayed with me walking to the parking lot.
2am -- Drive to the other venue for the late-nigth concert. Feel very aware of the world, almost sober except with this feeling of contentment and happiness with everything still around me. This feels like how life SHOULD feel. I guess people rolling say that, but we know in fact when you roll you are in some ways very "dumb" like if you try to pay for something and you fumble through your money, lose stuff, etc. There was none of that. I wasn't loving everyone, I was loving the world. Anyway, I take another cap of ghb and smoke some weed and head into the other concert venue.
3am -- At the after concert and the music is great, now I feel it in my core, the foxy body buzz. Very nice. Dance for a while.
4am -- It looks like this after event will be going on for hours longer. See a lot of people rolling. My euphoric bubble is kind of slipping now. I start to have some trippy philosophical wonderings about my place in the universe. I suddenly see myself as this near middle age guy, at an after concert alone and thus without friends, and think this is not the life I wanted to have and a substantial portion of it is over. Not liking these thoughts and wanting to get the bubble back, I decide to insufflate about 50 mg of mdma, a small dose but I thought it would get me sort of rolling since I was insufflating it and it would not keep me up too long since it lasts a short time taken this way. Don't notice much burn. I also take another 3 mg of foxy.
5am -- Feeling somewhat good, a little mixed, not like a complete roll but feel something. Head to the car for another cap of ghb, come back and get high and dance. I'm feeling very good now, very sensual. I once had an orgasm feeling last for 2 hours on the foxy / e combo but this time it was not there, this was milder but felt good and sensual.
5:30 am -- Starting to feel worn out, don't want the coke since that will cancel the mdma feeling. And I'm not completely rolling anyway. So the right move seems to be to insufflate the other 50 mg of mdma, maybe bring this roll on for good and give myself energy.
6:30 am -- Dancing, feeling good, feeling sensual. The roll had come on a little stronger, but not all the way, and now I'm distracted from feeling good by more philosophical thoughts. I'm old, I'm ordinary, I'm turning out just like my father, I'm the kind of adult kids don't want to grow up to be like--the kind I didn't want to be like. I use drugs to escape from things, chasing something. Anyway, my thoughts are not all that pleasant and are seeming to sober me up and distract from the somewhat euphoric bubble I was trying to hold onto. So I get stoned to try to bring on the roll stronger.
7:00 am -- Damn that work better than I imagined! Now I'm starting to feeling orgasmic waves from the music, and from my imagination. With my eyes shut, I see the most beautiful CEV's imaginable, a lot filled with sexual images. If I picture a girl giving me a blow job, it feels like it is happening and it feels orgasmic. But I get tired of revelling in that, I take myself to the dance floor. Moving my hips on the dance floor feels like I'm actually having sex. Like each thrust of the hips in dancing is an orgasm. So I dance like I don't care how I look, feeling the music and with my eyes shut.
7:30 am This is still staying strong, I keep expecting it to fade. I am still dancing, only much more geometrically. It is weird how I intuitivesly feel my body, arms, hands, doing a very fast, very elegant geometric sort of movement. At this point, I think I realized that reality had shattered. I realized I'm no longer thinking right. My eyes are not doing the occasional eye wiggles that I associate with rolling hard. They are wandering all over the place constantly, beyond my control. I'm not sure they are even moving in sync with each other. And my brain...well, I realize I am completely (if temporarily) insane. I know this, and I know that my thinking is not following normal paths any more. Not even close. It is like with my eyes moving about in such an insane manner, my brain felt obliged to follow. I truly understood what it means to be insane. I can't put it in to words, or even describe it all that well, but at the time I just was utterly insane and I knew it. And I worry that I'm overheated from the dancing. I get some water and cranberry juice (which tastes great, by the way) and wonder what to do.
So now my eyes are wandering all over the place, my head cocks to and fro glancing at different things beyond my control, and I am thinking thoughts that I can't even describe right now, except that they really scared me.
For about 30 minutes, I sat in a booth and waited for my mind or my eyes to start working right. During this time, I would frequently think I was dying, but I didn't want to call anyone I knew or find a stranger here. At at least one point, I pictured my brain like letting a demon out of a bottle, like a cackling image of something dark and sinister that now had the freedom that my own consciousness and morals were shattered and not in control.
I also repeatedly felt like maybe I was too hot. Maybe my body temperature is near death. Maybe my eyes are acting like they are because they are boiling in my head. Stuff like that.
Between thoughts of myself as being insane and/or dying, I try to focus on happier things. This brings about orgasmic CEV's, but as the pleasure builds to the point of a near-constant orgasm, it seems like I can feel the seratonin flooding in my brain and I think that can't be healthy. And I think, this is the exact opposite of sobering up. The more I allow the orgasmic feelings to continue, the less sober I'll be and the longer I'll be insane, or the more likely I'll be to die. I think I may be suffering seratonin syndrome.
So, anyway, I go back and forth every 5 minutes or so thinking I'm horrifyingly insane and will probably die, and trying to distract myself with near orgasmic visions, and then stopping that because it seemed to bring the drugs on more intensely.
8:00 a.m. Forget waiting around here. I go walk to my car. I'm not feeling physically tired, my brain won't shut off. The walk back to the car is so amazing...not good (I'm still insane, brain not right). But I can hear every sound all around me with perfect clarity. And see everything all at once. It is maybe like I just have lost all the filters that cause us to ignore lots of what we see and hear and focus on what matters. I am focusing on EVERYTHING. And it feels overwhelming, not in a good or bad way, just another thing to deal with.
Get to my car and my eyes are still roaming everywhere. Not sure how this would affect driving. Finally, I decide I can't take that chance, and I recline my seat to wait this out. But I don't have anything to drink, I still think there is a good chance I'm dying. And I am still bouncing between being horrifyingly aware of my insanity and concentrating on pleasant images that being about some near orgasmic pleasure. I am aware of every single sound around me. At one point, a janitor is going by with a trashcan on wheels and I don't see it, but I hear the wheels and I think it is some EMT bringing a stretcher to put me on.
After a few minutes, I move to the back seat to stretch out. Occasionally a voice from deep within cries out to me "This is the drug, it is temporary, you will be fine. You are having a panic attack, just ride it out." I try to believe it, I try to remember if the drugs I did are a dangerous combo. I realize maybe they are. There really is not much info on foxy and mdma together. And not with coke, too. I can't believe I used my life as an experiment for something like this. What was I thinking? What was I searching for, to risk this? I was deluding myself thinking I was a responsible drug user. I was more than ready for an intervention, if it had come to me doing something this stupid.
Anyway, alone with my thoughts in the car, I worried that a cop or security might come around, roust me, see my wandering eyes and know that I was insane. Which might involve a search of the car, which would find drugs, which would get me in trouble. No, sleeping in the garage was not safe.
And the only time I am not focused on how horrifying it is to be insane, is when I picture something orgasmic that takes my mind off it. A strip club. Some voice deep within that I still thought of as my sane self, says to me, "You are not about to die, you are just on some stuff messing with your brain. You are not in an environment to enjoy it. The sane thing to do is not sit here, but get yourself to the environment where it will be a good experience."
So, maybe I can drive. I get in the front seat, start the car, and start moving. Suddenly I realize I cannot tell if I am going 5 mph or 50 mph. I have no normal sense of time and space. I stop and pull carefully into a parking place. What was I thinking?
So, stay alone with my thoughts, or find a cab? Well, it sucks here, so I opt for the cab.
Walking for about a mile, maybe less, to find a cab. Passing people and trying to act like I'm not insane. But I know I'm the most dangerous person out here. No one knows I have no sense of time, no sanity controlling me.
Find a cab, get in, direct him to take me to a mini-mart next to a strip club so I can get a smaller bottle to put my ghb in (it was in a water bottle). The cab driver tries to make conversation. I do my best to hide my insanity. I find it difficult to talk, not because I am drunk but because my mind is fractured, so it is touch to keep it together for a whole sentence. I hope I just sound drunk, even though the slurring is not quite right. I also seem to realize I don't put emphases in the right places in my sentences. Hmm...must be another thing sane people learn to do, which skill I've temporarily lost.
Get to the minimart, wander around and finally settle on a bottle of aspirin for the ghb, small enough to carry in with me. Also get some gatorade so I can have a cap before I go in. Trying very hard to act like I'm sane.
Sitting behind a building, hoping the cops don't see me and come to see what's up. My eyes are still out of control, I'm still totally insane. And I'm sitting behind a building with a pile of pills on the ground next to me (the aspirin I poured out of the bottle). This would not look good if the cops came. But they don't. Ghb into the aspirin bottle. I take a cap also (weighing the risk of it slowing my breathing with the hope it'll take the edge off my insanity, I opt to go for it.)
9am -- Now, into the strip club. Can they tell I'm insane? My eyes give it away, but it is too dark for the sunglasses. Sit back, get some water and juice. This starts to feel better. Still insane, but I can look at a naked dancer and feel more of the positives, not the negatives. And if I pass out here, I'm not in my car which has drugs in it, I just have a tiny bit of coke and ghb on me.
I get a few lap dances. Actually a lot. The first girl can't seem to tell I'm insane. After about 45 minutes, I'm starting to feel less insane, getting better. But my eyes are still going all over the place, still can't drive. Still having waves of awareness of my insanity. During one of these, I call and leave a message for myself warning me that this combo is bad, makes me insane.
10am -- Go to the bathroom for another cap of g and a bump of coke (the ghb to help dull the scary parts of this foxy trip and make the strip club more enjoyable, and the coke to keep my from passing out when I come off this trip, since I've been awake so long. And maybe to sober me up a little, if possible.)
Whoops, something wet on my face. My nose is bleeding. Well, shit, that sucks. So I am going to die anyway. And just when I thought I'd live. Well, I use the tissues to wipe the blood, not sure how long it'll keep bleeding. Wonder if the bathroom attendant will come see what is going on in my stall. I know they'll kick me out if they see blood on my face. Shit. Keep blotting, then figure I need something more permanent, wad up some tissue paper and stuff it up the bleeding nostril. Fine for 5 seconds, until the tissue disappears up in my nasal cavity. Shit. I hope that's not unhealthy. But the bleeding has mostly stopped. I had a water bottle with me, so I clean the blood off my hands and face as good as I can. Still worry about the bloody nose starting again, so I roll up another wad of tissue and put it up that nostril.
Wash my hands, look in the mirror, the second wad of tissue in my nostril is too obvious, so I take it out. Still no bleeding, good. Go back to my seat. Feeling somewhat more insane again from the experience, spend the next hour and a half trying to focus again on the pleasant, sensual aspects of what is going on and it seems to work. I gradually feel more and more in my right mind, feel sane again and like I'm going to live. There was a measure of euphoria that came from this knowledge I had survived the night. Spent about $250 on lap dances, too.
10:30am -- Get a cab back to my car. Feeling fairly pleasant, nice glow to the world. It is good to be alive and sane. Not sure what I feel, not entirely sober, but feeling okay to drive. Kind of burnt out with a happy feel to it. Some of the foxy still in my system.
11:30am -- Get home, don't want to go to bed yet. Because then I'll wake and feel totally ate up. And I'm a little worried about my dreams. I want to put that off, put some sane life between my insanity and going to bed. So I smoke some weed. No insanity coming back, but definitely some foxy sensuality. I go outside to the pool which was heated and get in (changed to shorts). This feels really great and amazing. The wonder of being wet, being alive, all rolled into one. Very nice. But I worry that now I could still pass out or have a heart attack and be one of those people who drown in their pool on drugs.
So I go to the jacuzzi. The jets feel very good. I get an idea and turn so one jet is on my penis (I know, what a freak). But it feels incredible, like some super-fast, hot mouth going faster than any mouth could. And with my eyes shut, I'm getting CEV's of women going down on me. It is near orgasmic, I stay there for about 10 minutes.
Anyway, next inside. Now I'm kind of horny still. Smoke a little more weed. Start watching a porno movie that I'd recently acquired. Masturbating, I have about 5 orgasms in 5 minutes. It is like I have no refraction period (no down time, no recovery time), one orgasm can just go into the next and into the next. And, in fact, even without touching myself, I can watch the porno and see a guy getting a blow job and kind of feel like it is happening to me. Pretty amazing, but finally, I just get bored with it.
Turn on regular tv to watch while eating the fast food I picked up on the way home. WOW!! The chocolate shake takes so incredibly deliciously chocolately, like I am 100 times more aware of its chocolate deliciousness than when sober. Almost too intense to take. But I keep drinking it. The rest of the food is similarly a treat for the senses.
I can't find anything to watch on tv because the slightest sadness -- even in a sitcom -- is getting to me. So I keep flipping trying to stay on something light and funny, but it isn't easy.
1:30pm I give up on tv, and go to my room and sleep for about 5 hours, then wake up, eat some food, watch a few hours of tv (easier to watch now) take .5 xanax and return to bed for 10 hours more sleep.
And here I am, alive and totally blown away by how intense that was. I mean, I expect to see hallucinations, to have shifts in perceptions, to feel different sensations...but to be completely and knowingly insane and release from all the normal things that people do without thinking about it, from facial expressions to eye contact to head movement to speech. It was all such an effort to appear normal. At times, I thought I could kill some one feeling like this, do something that would totally sabotage my life.
I'm just concerned that I can't exactly recall exactly what the insanity really felt like other than the fact that I hated it except when I was focusing on the orgasmic pleasure that I could have. And I never wanted to feel that way again.
I'd previously done 8mg of foxy, followed by two pills of mda, and had a great time a orgasmic bliss. But there was a moment when I recall telling my g/f at the time, "Time has fractured." I wonder, in retrospect, if the foxy / e combo (which I've done 4 previous times with glowing, orgasmic results) ALL involved me moving through a stage of horrifying insanity and maybe on those other occasions, I just did not remember it because it was not as long-lived, while on this last occasion, I did more foxy and less e, and therefore had more of the insanity and so remember it better.
I do recall the first time I tried this combo there was a time when I thought I was going to die from sheer pleasure and I decided I didn't care, it was worth it to feel this good, and that is when I REALLY felt great, that giving up of concern over life or death. I was never at that point this last time, which might be part of why I never got to the higher state of constant orgasmic pleasure. (The reason I didn't get to this point probably being less e in relation to foxy.)
But now that I have a pretty good suspicion that the orgasmic bliss I recall from the foxy / e combo may involve a journey through a horrifying vision of reality splintering, I am not so sure I want to go there again, even with less foxy and more e.
There were many stages to this experience, not sure where the temporary insanity came from. It seemed like I had found a real nice bubble of euphoria when I did 8mg of foxy, followed by 3mg after 90 minutes or so.
Well, I guess the best I can say is that as a whole, no matter how much I enjoyed certain parts of the evening, I recall that the moments of horrifying awareness of my own insanity and possible death were worse and make this combo not worth ever doing, at least not in the quantities and in the manner that I did.
Perhaps one day researches will show that foxy and e together at these levels just will NOT kill you, and is safe except for being trippy. If I'd had that information, I probably would not have been nearly as bad off. The problem is, there is no such research and I have no reason to believe 15 mg of foxy and 100 mg of mdma, and some coke and weed, CAN'T kill you. Hence, my fear of death seemed somewhat reasonable.
I may go back and revise this, or not. It is long, so that would be a daunting task. I am going to be seriously reassessing a lot of things in my life because of this. We'll see how that goes.
[ 04 November 2002: Message edited by: psychoblast ]
This was a real hum-dinger of an experience, not sure I can fully do it justice, but I'll try as a way of sorting it all out in my head.
Substances:
15 mg of 5-meo-dipt ("foxy")
100 mg of mdma
coke
ghb
weed
I'm around 6'1", 200lbs. Going to see a concert, String Cheese Incident, at 8pm on a Saturday night. Saw their show on shrooms the night before with a girl I knew, then slept all day, then got up in time to go to this night's show alone (my ex-g/f and some of her friends were going to be there if I felt like hanging out with them). Skipped dinner to try to avoid any stomach upset from the 5-meo-dipt.
8pm -- Couple lines of coke to get me energized for the concert.
9pm -- Arrive an hour late to the concert (not worried about missing part of the first set since I saw them the night before). Drop 8mg 5-meo-dipt ("foxy") orally. Take 1 1/2 caps of ghb which I find mixes well with any non-depressant drugs and takes the edge off foxy.
9:30 -- Feeling pretty good, enjoying the music, but don't feel much of the foxy through the ghb. Not much in the way of body buzzing or anything. Could just be taking a while to come up. Also, I've previously thought I noticed some cross-tolerance between shrooms and foxy, so figured that could be part of it also.
10:15 -- Go to the bathroom, considering whether to do mdma or foxy. Finally, parachute about 3 mg of foxy and do a bump of coke.
11:00 -- Still having a mellow good time at the concert, nothing really significant.
11:30 -- Get stoned. Feeling energetic, dancy from the foxy, a little drunken feeling. The ghb should have worn off, so I think this is the stoned foxy sort of drunkenness. No urge to socialize with anyone, which is common with me from foxy.
12:30 -- Concert is near ending, I move out of the dark, front concert area to the back of the room and find a chair to sit in. WOW. Something different. The act of sitting and relaxing my muscles has brought a cloud of euphoria over me. I recall last time I did 8mg of foxy at home, and how I'd been laying in bed and the more I relaxed my muscles, the more pleasurable and near orgasmic it felt. So I sit there, relax my muscles, bob my head to the music (they play a version of Ring of Fire that just sounds incredible.)
1am -- The concert is over, they are piping some groovy music through the venue as people slowly leave. I keep sitting where I am, bobbing my head and feeling wrapped in a warm cloud of happiness with everything. It sort of felt like all the positive happiness of everyone at the concert, cheering for the band and the music, was a wave that I grabbed onto and rode higher and I still see all the smiling faces and happy people and I feel really great. Wow, it is almost like rolling for sheer euphoria, but I feel very clear-headed (weed must have worn off). It is like I look around and see everything, and know it is good, and feel content with it. I like this better than rolling because I feel so in control, not like rolling when I know I get stupid. I am also finding great pleasure in looking at the women around me. Definitely a sensual side to this.
1:30am Feeling this good, I sit in the parking lot on my tailgate watching the hippies selling grilled cheese sandwiches, water, t-shirts, pipes, etc., out of the back of their cars. Like a little hippie village in the parking lot. I can't find the energy to make conversation with anyone, just basking in their happy contentment and feeling it reflected in me. I was glad the euphoria had stayed with me walking to the parking lot.
2am -- Drive to the other venue for the late-nigth concert. Feel very aware of the world, almost sober except with this feeling of contentment and happiness with everything still around me. This feels like how life SHOULD feel. I guess people rolling say that, but we know in fact when you roll you are in some ways very "dumb" like if you try to pay for something and you fumble through your money, lose stuff, etc. There was none of that. I wasn't loving everyone, I was loving the world. Anyway, I take another cap of ghb and smoke some weed and head into the other concert venue.
3am -- At the after concert and the music is great, now I feel it in my core, the foxy body buzz. Very nice. Dance for a while.
4am -- It looks like this after event will be going on for hours longer. See a lot of people rolling. My euphoric bubble is kind of slipping now. I start to have some trippy philosophical wonderings about my place in the universe. I suddenly see myself as this near middle age guy, at an after concert alone and thus without friends, and think this is not the life I wanted to have and a substantial portion of it is over. Not liking these thoughts and wanting to get the bubble back, I decide to insufflate about 50 mg of mdma, a small dose but I thought it would get me sort of rolling since I was insufflating it and it would not keep me up too long since it lasts a short time taken this way. Don't notice much burn. I also take another 3 mg of foxy.
5am -- Feeling somewhat good, a little mixed, not like a complete roll but feel something. Head to the car for another cap of ghb, come back and get high and dance. I'm feeling very good now, very sensual. I once had an orgasm feeling last for 2 hours on the foxy / e combo but this time it was not there, this was milder but felt good and sensual.
5:30 am -- Starting to feel worn out, don't want the coke since that will cancel the mdma feeling. And I'm not completely rolling anyway. So the right move seems to be to insufflate the other 50 mg of mdma, maybe bring this roll on for good and give myself energy.
6:30 am -- Dancing, feeling good, feeling sensual. The roll had come on a little stronger, but not all the way, and now I'm distracted from feeling good by more philosophical thoughts. I'm old, I'm ordinary, I'm turning out just like my father, I'm the kind of adult kids don't want to grow up to be like--the kind I didn't want to be like. I use drugs to escape from things, chasing something. Anyway, my thoughts are not all that pleasant and are seeming to sober me up and distract from the somewhat euphoric bubble I was trying to hold onto. So I get stoned to try to bring on the roll stronger.
7:00 am -- Damn that work better than I imagined! Now I'm starting to feeling orgasmic waves from the music, and from my imagination. With my eyes shut, I see the most beautiful CEV's imaginable, a lot filled with sexual images. If I picture a girl giving me a blow job, it feels like it is happening and it feels orgasmic. But I get tired of revelling in that, I take myself to the dance floor. Moving my hips on the dance floor feels like I'm actually having sex. Like each thrust of the hips in dancing is an orgasm. So I dance like I don't care how I look, feeling the music and with my eyes shut.
7:30 am This is still staying strong, I keep expecting it to fade. I am still dancing, only much more geometrically. It is weird how I intuitivesly feel my body, arms, hands, doing a very fast, very elegant geometric sort of movement. At this point, I think I realized that reality had shattered. I realized I'm no longer thinking right. My eyes are not doing the occasional eye wiggles that I associate with rolling hard. They are wandering all over the place constantly, beyond my control. I'm not sure they are even moving in sync with each other. And my brain...well, I realize I am completely (if temporarily) insane. I know this, and I know that my thinking is not following normal paths any more. Not even close. It is like with my eyes moving about in such an insane manner, my brain felt obliged to follow. I truly understood what it means to be insane. I can't put it in to words, or even describe it all that well, but at the time I just was utterly insane and I knew it. And I worry that I'm overheated from the dancing. I get some water and cranberry juice (which tastes great, by the way) and wonder what to do.
So now my eyes are wandering all over the place, my head cocks to and fro glancing at different things beyond my control, and I am thinking thoughts that I can't even describe right now, except that they really scared me.
For about 30 minutes, I sat in a booth and waited for my mind or my eyes to start working right. During this time, I would frequently think I was dying, but I didn't want to call anyone I knew or find a stranger here. At at least one point, I pictured my brain like letting a demon out of a bottle, like a cackling image of something dark and sinister that now had the freedom that my own consciousness and morals were shattered and not in control.
I also repeatedly felt like maybe I was too hot. Maybe my body temperature is near death. Maybe my eyes are acting like they are because they are boiling in my head. Stuff like that.
Between thoughts of myself as being insane and/or dying, I try to focus on happier things. This brings about orgasmic CEV's, but as the pleasure builds to the point of a near-constant orgasm, it seems like I can feel the seratonin flooding in my brain and I think that can't be healthy. And I think, this is the exact opposite of sobering up. The more I allow the orgasmic feelings to continue, the less sober I'll be and the longer I'll be insane, or the more likely I'll be to die. I think I may be suffering seratonin syndrome.
So, anyway, I go back and forth every 5 minutes or so thinking I'm horrifyingly insane and will probably die, and trying to distract myself with near orgasmic visions, and then stopping that because it seemed to bring the drugs on more intensely.
8:00 a.m. Forget waiting around here. I go walk to my car. I'm not feeling physically tired, my brain won't shut off. The walk back to the car is so amazing...not good (I'm still insane, brain not right). But I can hear every sound all around me with perfect clarity. And see everything all at once. It is maybe like I just have lost all the filters that cause us to ignore lots of what we see and hear and focus on what matters. I am focusing on EVERYTHING. And it feels overwhelming, not in a good or bad way, just another thing to deal with.
Get to my car and my eyes are still roaming everywhere. Not sure how this would affect driving. Finally, I decide I can't take that chance, and I recline my seat to wait this out. But I don't have anything to drink, I still think there is a good chance I'm dying. And I am still bouncing between being horrifyingly aware of my insanity and concentrating on pleasant images that being about some near orgasmic pleasure. I am aware of every single sound around me. At one point, a janitor is going by with a trashcan on wheels and I don't see it, but I hear the wheels and I think it is some EMT bringing a stretcher to put me on.
After a few minutes, I move to the back seat to stretch out. Occasionally a voice from deep within cries out to me "This is the drug, it is temporary, you will be fine. You are having a panic attack, just ride it out." I try to believe it, I try to remember if the drugs I did are a dangerous combo. I realize maybe they are. There really is not much info on foxy and mdma together. And not with coke, too. I can't believe I used my life as an experiment for something like this. What was I thinking? What was I searching for, to risk this? I was deluding myself thinking I was a responsible drug user. I was more than ready for an intervention, if it had come to me doing something this stupid.
Anyway, alone with my thoughts in the car, I worried that a cop or security might come around, roust me, see my wandering eyes and know that I was insane. Which might involve a search of the car, which would find drugs, which would get me in trouble. No, sleeping in the garage was not safe.
And the only time I am not focused on how horrifying it is to be insane, is when I picture something orgasmic that takes my mind off it. A strip club. Some voice deep within that I still thought of as my sane self, says to me, "You are not about to die, you are just on some stuff messing with your brain. You are not in an environment to enjoy it. The sane thing to do is not sit here, but get yourself to the environment where it will be a good experience."
So, maybe I can drive. I get in the front seat, start the car, and start moving. Suddenly I realize I cannot tell if I am going 5 mph or 50 mph. I have no normal sense of time and space. I stop and pull carefully into a parking place. What was I thinking?
So, stay alone with my thoughts, or find a cab? Well, it sucks here, so I opt for the cab.
Walking for about a mile, maybe less, to find a cab. Passing people and trying to act like I'm not insane. But I know I'm the most dangerous person out here. No one knows I have no sense of time, no sanity controlling me.
Find a cab, get in, direct him to take me to a mini-mart next to a strip club so I can get a smaller bottle to put my ghb in (it was in a water bottle). The cab driver tries to make conversation. I do my best to hide my insanity. I find it difficult to talk, not because I am drunk but because my mind is fractured, so it is touch to keep it together for a whole sentence. I hope I just sound drunk, even though the slurring is not quite right. I also seem to realize I don't put emphases in the right places in my sentences. Hmm...must be another thing sane people learn to do, which skill I've temporarily lost.
Get to the minimart, wander around and finally settle on a bottle of aspirin for the ghb, small enough to carry in with me. Also get some gatorade so I can have a cap before I go in. Trying very hard to act like I'm sane.
Sitting behind a building, hoping the cops don't see me and come to see what's up. My eyes are still out of control, I'm still totally insane. And I'm sitting behind a building with a pile of pills on the ground next to me (the aspirin I poured out of the bottle). This would not look good if the cops came. But they don't. Ghb into the aspirin bottle. I take a cap also (weighing the risk of it slowing my breathing with the hope it'll take the edge off my insanity, I opt to go for it.)
9am -- Now, into the strip club. Can they tell I'm insane? My eyes give it away, but it is too dark for the sunglasses. Sit back, get some water and juice. This starts to feel better. Still insane, but I can look at a naked dancer and feel more of the positives, not the negatives. And if I pass out here, I'm not in my car which has drugs in it, I just have a tiny bit of coke and ghb on me.
I get a few lap dances. Actually a lot. The first girl can't seem to tell I'm insane. After about 45 minutes, I'm starting to feel less insane, getting better. But my eyes are still going all over the place, still can't drive. Still having waves of awareness of my insanity. During one of these, I call and leave a message for myself warning me that this combo is bad, makes me insane.
10am -- Go to the bathroom for another cap of g and a bump of coke (the ghb to help dull the scary parts of this foxy trip and make the strip club more enjoyable, and the coke to keep my from passing out when I come off this trip, since I've been awake so long. And maybe to sober me up a little, if possible.)
Whoops, something wet on my face. My nose is bleeding. Well, shit, that sucks. So I am going to die anyway. And just when I thought I'd live. Well, I use the tissues to wipe the blood, not sure how long it'll keep bleeding. Wonder if the bathroom attendant will come see what is going on in my stall. I know they'll kick me out if they see blood on my face. Shit. Keep blotting, then figure I need something more permanent, wad up some tissue paper and stuff it up the bleeding nostril. Fine for 5 seconds, until the tissue disappears up in my nasal cavity. Shit. I hope that's not unhealthy. But the bleeding has mostly stopped. I had a water bottle with me, so I clean the blood off my hands and face as good as I can. Still worry about the bloody nose starting again, so I roll up another wad of tissue and put it up that nostril.
Wash my hands, look in the mirror, the second wad of tissue in my nostril is too obvious, so I take it out. Still no bleeding, good. Go back to my seat. Feeling somewhat more insane again from the experience, spend the next hour and a half trying to focus again on the pleasant, sensual aspects of what is going on and it seems to work. I gradually feel more and more in my right mind, feel sane again and like I'm going to live. There was a measure of euphoria that came from this knowledge I had survived the night. Spent about $250 on lap dances, too.
10:30am -- Get a cab back to my car. Feeling fairly pleasant, nice glow to the world. It is good to be alive and sane. Not sure what I feel, not entirely sober, but feeling okay to drive. Kind of burnt out with a happy feel to it. Some of the foxy still in my system.
11:30am -- Get home, don't want to go to bed yet. Because then I'll wake and feel totally ate up. And I'm a little worried about my dreams. I want to put that off, put some sane life between my insanity and going to bed. So I smoke some weed. No insanity coming back, but definitely some foxy sensuality. I go outside to the pool which was heated and get in (changed to shorts). This feels really great and amazing. The wonder of being wet, being alive, all rolled into one. Very nice. But I worry that now I could still pass out or have a heart attack and be one of those people who drown in their pool on drugs.
So I go to the jacuzzi. The jets feel very good. I get an idea and turn so one jet is on my penis (I know, what a freak). But it feels incredible, like some super-fast, hot mouth going faster than any mouth could. And with my eyes shut, I'm getting CEV's of women going down on me. It is near orgasmic, I stay there for about 10 minutes.
Anyway, next inside. Now I'm kind of horny still. Smoke a little more weed. Start watching a porno movie that I'd recently acquired. Masturbating, I have about 5 orgasms in 5 minutes. It is like I have no refraction period (no down time, no recovery time), one orgasm can just go into the next and into the next. And, in fact, even without touching myself, I can watch the porno and see a guy getting a blow job and kind of feel like it is happening to me. Pretty amazing, but finally, I just get bored with it.
Turn on regular tv to watch while eating the fast food I picked up on the way home. WOW!! The chocolate shake takes so incredibly deliciously chocolately, like I am 100 times more aware of its chocolate deliciousness than when sober. Almost too intense to take. But I keep drinking it. The rest of the food is similarly a treat for the senses.
I can't find anything to watch on tv because the slightest sadness -- even in a sitcom -- is getting to me. So I keep flipping trying to stay on something light and funny, but it isn't easy.
1:30pm I give up on tv, and go to my room and sleep for about 5 hours, then wake up, eat some food, watch a few hours of tv (easier to watch now) take .5 xanax and return to bed for 10 hours more sleep.
And here I am, alive and totally blown away by how intense that was. I mean, I expect to see hallucinations, to have shifts in perceptions, to feel different sensations...but to be completely and knowingly insane and release from all the normal things that people do without thinking about it, from facial expressions to eye contact to head movement to speech. It was all such an effort to appear normal. At times, I thought I could kill some one feeling like this, do something that would totally sabotage my life.
I'm just concerned that I can't exactly recall exactly what the insanity really felt like other than the fact that I hated it except when I was focusing on the orgasmic pleasure that I could have. And I never wanted to feel that way again.
I'd previously done 8mg of foxy, followed by two pills of mda, and had a great time a orgasmic bliss. But there was a moment when I recall telling my g/f at the time, "Time has fractured." I wonder, in retrospect, if the foxy / e combo (which I've done 4 previous times with glowing, orgasmic results) ALL involved me moving through a stage of horrifying insanity and maybe on those other occasions, I just did not remember it because it was not as long-lived, while on this last occasion, I did more foxy and less e, and therefore had more of the insanity and so remember it better.
I do recall the first time I tried this combo there was a time when I thought I was going to die from sheer pleasure and I decided I didn't care, it was worth it to feel this good, and that is when I REALLY felt great, that giving up of concern over life or death. I was never at that point this last time, which might be part of why I never got to the higher state of constant orgasmic pleasure. (The reason I didn't get to this point probably being less e in relation to foxy.)
But now that I have a pretty good suspicion that the orgasmic bliss I recall from the foxy / e combo may involve a journey through a horrifying vision of reality splintering, I am not so sure I want to go there again, even with less foxy and more e.
There were many stages to this experience, not sure where the temporary insanity came from. It seemed like I had found a real nice bubble of euphoria when I did 8mg of foxy, followed by 3mg after 90 minutes or so.
Well, I guess the best I can say is that as a whole, no matter how much I enjoyed certain parts of the evening, I recall that the moments of horrifying awareness of my own insanity and possible death were worse and make this combo not worth ever doing, at least not in the quantities and in the manner that I did.
Perhaps one day researches will show that foxy and e together at these levels just will NOT kill you, and is safe except for being trippy. If I'd had that information, I probably would not have been nearly as bad off. The problem is, there is no such research and I have no reason to believe 15 mg of foxy and 100 mg of mdma, and some coke and weed, CAN'T kill you. Hence, my fear of death seemed somewhat reasonable.
I may go back and revise this, or not. It is long, so that would be a daunting task. I am going to be seriously reassessing a lot of things in my life because of this. We'll see how that goes.
[ 04 November 2002: Message edited by: psychoblast ]
