Venting 3rd time off the wagon but didn't bottom out as hard as I needed/wanted.

[itsaslipperycliff]

I tried so hard to ensure I'd push the limits too hard before my time in this state ended. Now tomorrow I fly to my parents house where I have no choice but to sober up and unfortunately haven't hit rock bottom or died yet. I chose to leave here in a moment of "clarity" while high primarily because I spent all ~$10,000 I had on ME. I basically have 3 kids (3rd is literally due in less than 3 weeks) and while at this house all alone waiting for movers to pack our shit I robbed them of so much. Hearing my daughters voice makes me tear up and feel awful yet once we get off the phone the "dad" she loves so much is smoking a foiley or getting a line ready. Now mind you this isn't my first rodeo. From 16-17 yrs old I hit rock bottom on coke and then later black tar but back then I was a kid. I didnt have real bills. Now Im fucking 26, no savings, maxed cc's and will most likely miss my 3rd childs birth cause her amazing father needs to go to rehab (if I can find a free one). So many times these last few months I took "hero doses" trying to die but nothing. I leave tomorrow and I know I feel slightly better after a few days and mental help but god damn it you dont have to be an MD to recognize something cancerous. I'll be better once I leave this environment and I couldn't actually do it with out making sure my children are okay but god damn how has my heart not blown up? I tried oxy and blow, nothing. 6 pills of x and a few g's of blow in ~48hrs, nothing. 4 x pills at once, nothing (felt pretty fucking close though). 100% dont believe in god but something is going on.

 

[deficiT]

Get yourself into treatment and get some sobriety time under your belt. Don't lose yourself in self hate, as you can only go up from here. You won't be doing your kids any favors not getting better. Don't lose sight of that and try and take care of yourself. Like the oxygen mask on the planes, you've gotta make sure you're good to go first before you can help anyone else.

The meltdowns and rock bottoms only get worse as you get older, but you have the choice how many times you have to go through this. Feel free to message anytime if you need some support. Things happen for a reason, whether it's God or not.

 

[Joey]

Yep. You keep messing around trying to take colossal amounts to catch a buzz one of these days you'll get a colossal buzz and maybe die. Take the chance while you have it to do something about this.