Listening
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2009
- Messages
- 806
New rule: If you feel any anxiety, just back off! Stop trying! Pause; breathe; let go. Enter a micro-hole, if you like. In fact, let me do that right now: this sentence is taxing my anxiety levels, having taken about 10 minutes to churn out. Here we go...
...
Oh Orpheus, great Orifice,
Oh miracle, oh hole for us.
...
These last words had to be written anxiously whilst trying to describe impossible ecstasy and ease. I'm looking back too soon, as always. Why am I here when I could still be there?
When I meditate here, I find a power source. This source, this eternal spring of creativity, this vibration on a string, is at the heart of MXE. Is it the same power source as that original mythical batch of MXE? Is it? It sounds different! It vibrates at a different frequency! But it's definitely a source, if not the source! Let me go dip in again just to be sure. One sec...
...
Behind the chatter, behind the logic, behind the ego. There you are!
No other goddess can soothe my heart, my spirit, my mind, like you.
Take me now and I will take you, and we will join together for the eternity of this moment.
...
The conundrum of the MXE goddess that I fuck ecstatically, if ever I am allowed to do so, is that she is elusive. You think you found god and then you chase her here and there. Then you wonder if it was all a delusional dream. What was so fucking special about that original batch anyway? Was it really as I remember? As I start to doubt myself, I feel like I'm beginning to lose my mind!
I'm currently on 30mg of the finest crystalline MXE that I've seen in a while, but, damn, I want to say that it's still weaker than that initial batch of stuff I got once upon a dream. Is it me? Is it just tolerance? It's not like I even do the stuff particularly often. I feel pretty fucking good, if I didn't make that clear. There is a god waiting for me when I want her for myself. I like that feeling. But I want more.
I want to take more MXE. However, I'm not going to do it. I almost bumped it, mind you. I took out my scale. I plugged it in. I put aside the weight; I was planning to re-calibrate first. I turned on the scale. Then I got anxious. Very anxious.
Let me back up a bit:
I took 30mg nasally at 8:40PM. I watched whatever with the wife, before she went to bed. I felt it in 10 minutes and was surprised, but soon it became pretty chill and innocuous, to the point where I didn't feel all that high when the wife went to bed at T+1h. At this point I thought, "maybe this MXE isn't all that I was hoping for."
Then I smoke pot and get quite high immediately; dizzyingly so. I'm at my scale, as I mentioned above, and dizzy and suddenly wondering if it's really a great idea to insuffalate another 30mg right now, given that I have to wake up early tomorrow morning. No, unfortunately not a great idea. I become anxious. Anxious that I may choose other than I wish to choose. Not just anxious, but high in a bizarrely flatted way. I've felt this flatted high before, on various occasions. It's a very special sort of high where you feel very far away from home, unsure of where you are why you should even want to be there. What's that all about? I'm paralyzed for a moment. Maybe another 30mg is just the thing to get me out of myself and let go of my anxiety? Instead I decide to turn off the scale and return it to its drawer. I will take this trip for whatever it is, just as it is, I decide.
Finally though, I realize that this MXE is pretty fucking good, and the set was off. For one thing, MXE has always really only shined when taken in conjunction with weed for me. Of course weed is not just weed. Maybe it's the type of weed (usually sativa) that determines something about the frequency of the power source of MXE? I must investigate further. More controlled experiments are required.
I have a bit of a funny history, throwing out batches of MXE that I bought that were not to my liking. Two of these incidents happened way back at the dawn of MXE, when I got my original batches and was trying to stock up on more, to get me a lifetime supply (at low, sparse doses, if fantasy be real). The two shitty batches just weren't doing anything good for me, so down the toilet they went. I still had a decent amount left from my original batch anyway. Then, one day, I decided to throw out my *good* batch of MXE. I shit you not. I did it. While we're being honest: fuck you to everybody who judges me. You weren't there. I did it because I felt that it was too good for me. I shit you not. It was too perfect, and I was scared that it might overwhelm my being. I didn't like the hold it had on me, and I flushed it all while high on MXE and in the throws of ecstatic insight! Classic, I imagine? If not, it should be.
Anyway, when I finally got another chance to purchase MXE 2 years ago, from a legit vendor, it did nothing fun for me. I got frustrated. Eventually I almost went insane with frustration. It was, in fact, totally useless. WTF? It's not like I've got time to do useless drugs, so it pissed me off. I sent it in to the lab for testing. Confirmed: pure MXE. Must I then admit that the problem is 100% psychological and I just can't enjoy MXE the way I used to? I won't go that far. There appear to be some clear differences in different batches, but set and setting and other psychological factors appear to play a much greater role in the elixing nature of the drug than I had previously recognized.
I've used MXE secretly whilst my wife was pregnant, and then when our child was just born. But now that my kid's a bit older, I can't do it in front of him, I can't give up precious sleep in the nights, and it's not fun to do during the days when there's other pending work. In this context, finding time to slip off and have a fling with goddess MXE is sustaining a mentality of poverty: A mode of being where I feel that I'm having to live in the cracks of life. Then again, it might also be viewed as an embrace of what can be found in those cracks. If MXE has a message, it is that the rejuvenating light of life shines through those cracks for those that pause to peer into their cavernous depths.
In any case, it's all about the setup. What is my setup? Well, what are my fears? What are my hopes? What will I be before death finally takes me away? I'm obviously at the beginning stages of asking these questions. I've read Buddha, Rhumi, Freud, etc, but I'm still slow as fuck, and not usually in the good way. Lord, please give me the swiftness of Achilles, without the bum heal. Let me find energy free of artificial stimulation, perhaps with the exception of two espresso per day, every day, for the rest of my life, amen. Failing that, give me the strength to take MXE when and only when the times are right.
It's T+3h and I'm tired want to go to sleep now. Don't forget the new rule: when things get tough, get going. Dip into the rejuvenating source. But, as always, something keeps me typing. I want to oooooze. I want to connect. But truthfully I have no one. I feel, so far, alone. I'm still a stranger in my own land. What does this mean? What do I do with these feelings? For now I will just put them down. I will head to bed. I will finish, so that I may start again. Tomorrow I must wake up early. The universe is moving on, and so must I.
...
Oh Orpheus, great Orifice,
Oh miracle, oh hole for us.
...
These last words had to be written anxiously whilst trying to describe impossible ecstasy and ease. I'm looking back too soon, as always. Why am I here when I could still be there?
When I meditate here, I find a power source. This source, this eternal spring of creativity, this vibration on a string, is at the heart of MXE. Is it the same power source as that original mythical batch of MXE? Is it? It sounds different! It vibrates at a different frequency! But it's definitely a source, if not the source! Let me go dip in again just to be sure. One sec...
...
Behind the chatter, behind the logic, behind the ego. There you are!
No other goddess can soothe my heart, my spirit, my mind, like you.
Take me now and I will take you, and we will join together for the eternity of this moment.
...
The conundrum of the MXE goddess that I fuck ecstatically, if ever I am allowed to do so, is that she is elusive. You think you found god and then you chase her here and there. Then you wonder if it was all a delusional dream. What was so fucking special about that original batch anyway? Was it really as I remember? As I start to doubt myself, I feel like I'm beginning to lose my mind!
I'm currently on 30mg of the finest crystalline MXE that I've seen in a while, but, damn, I want to say that it's still weaker than that initial batch of stuff I got once upon a dream. Is it me? Is it just tolerance? It's not like I even do the stuff particularly often. I feel pretty fucking good, if I didn't make that clear. There is a god waiting for me when I want her for myself. I like that feeling. But I want more.
I want to take more MXE. However, I'm not going to do it. I almost bumped it, mind you. I took out my scale. I plugged it in. I put aside the weight; I was planning to re-calibrate first. I turned on the scale. Then I got anxious. Very anxious.
Let me back up a bit:
I took 30mg nasally at 8:40PM. I watched whatever with the wife, before she went to bed. I felt it in 10 minutes and was surprised, but soon it became pretty chill and innocuous, to the point where I didn't feel all that high when the wife went to bed at T+1h. At this point I thought, "maybe this MXE isn't all that I was hoping for."
Then I smoke pot and get quite high immediately; dizzyingly so. I'm at my scale, as I mentioned above, and dizzy and suddenly wondering if it's really a great idea to insuffalate another 30mg right now, given that I have to wake up early tomorrow morning. No, unfortunately not a great idea. I become anxious. Anxious that I may choose other than I wish to choose. Not just anxious, but high in a bizarrely flatted way. I've felt this flatted high before, on various occasions. It's a very special sort of high where you feel very far away from home, unsure of where you are why you should even want to be there. What's that all about? I'm paralyzed for a moment. Maybe another 30mg is just the thing to get me out of myself and let go of my anxiety? Instead I decide to turn off the scale and return it to its drawer. I will take this trip for whatever it is, just as it is, I decide.
Finally though, I realize that this MXE is pretty fucking good, and the set was off. For one thing, MXE has always really only shined when taken in conjunction with weed for me. Of course weed is not just weed. Maybe it's the type of weed (usually sativa) that determines something about the frequency of the power source of MXE? I must investigate further. More controlled experiments are required.
I have a bit of a funny history, throwing out batches of MXE that I bought that were not to my liking. Two of these incidents happened way back at the dawn of MXE, when I got my original batches and was trying to stock up on more, to get me a lifetime supply (at low, sparse doses, if fantasy be real). The two shitty batches just weren't doing anything good for me, so down the toilet they went. I still had a decent amount left from my original batch anyway. Then, one day, I decided to throw out my *good* batch of MXE. I shit you not. I did it. While we're being honest: fuck you to everybody who judges me. You weren't there. I did it because I felt that it was too good for me. I shit you not. It was too perfect, and I was scared that it might overwhelm my being. I didn't like the hold it had on me, and I flushed it all while high on MXE and in the throws of ecstatic insight! Classic, I imagine? If not, it should be.
Anyway, when I finally got another chance to purchase MXE 2 years ago, from a legit vendor, it did nothing fun for me. I got frustrated. Eventually I almost went insane with frustration. It was, in fact, totally useless. WTF? It's not like I've got time to do useless drugs, so it pissed me off. I sent it in to the lab for testing. Confirmed: pure MXE. Must I then admit that the problem is 100% psychological and I just can't enjoy MXE the way I used to? I won't go that far. There appear to be some clear differences in different batches, but set and setting and other psychological factors appear to play a much greater role in the elixing nature of the drug than I had previously recognized.
I've used MXE secretly whilst my wife was pregnant, and then when our child was just born. But now that my kid's a bit older, I can't do it in front of him, I can't give up precious sleep in the nights, and it's not fun to do during the days when there's other pending work. In this context, finding time to slip off and have a fling with goddess MXE is sustaining a mentality of poverty: A mode of being where I feel that I'm having to live in the cracks of life. Then again, it might also be viewed as an embrace of what can be found in those cracks. If MXE has a message, it is that the rejuvenating light of life shines through those cracks for those that pause to peer into their cavernous depths.
In any case, it's all about the setup. What is my setup? Well, what are my fears? What are my hopes? What will I be before death finally takes me away? I'm obviously at the beginning stages of asking these questions. I've read Buddha, Rhumi, Freud, etc, but I'm still slow as fuck, and not usually in the good way. Lord, please give me the swiftness of Achilles, without the bum heal. Let me find energy free of artificial stimulation, perhaps with the exception of two espresso per day, every day, for the rest of my life, amen. Failing that, give me the strength to take MXE when and only when the times are right.
It's T+3h and I'm tired want to go to sleep now. Don't forget the new rule: when things get tough, get going. Dip into the rejuvenating source. But, as always, something keeps me typing. I want to oooooze. I want to connect. But truthfully I have no one. I feel, so far, alone. I'm still a stranger in my own land. What does this mean? What do I do with these feelings? For now I will just put them down. I will head to bed. I will finish, so that I may start again. Tomorrow I must wake up early. The universe is moving on, and so must I.
