LurkerSince09
Greenlighter
I'mreally worried. I've been on xanax (8mgdaily one point for 5 years) and then just before my doctor retired (my doctor since i was 2 years old!!) he wrote me a 6 month script for my 6mg xanax, 600mg lyrica, 72mg concerta...Well NO DOCTORS WOULD TAKE ME ON AS A PATIENT! EVEN IN THE SAME CLINIC!!!!however i have had a methadone doc for 7 years and they normally don't prescribe anything other than methadone and suboxone so they told me to see a walk-in (for these high dose, restricted prescriptions[all 3 are 'abusable' in canada]) which obv no doctor would ever do more than a few days of...
But since I've come down from 120mg methadone to now 20 mg (my best friend since elementary and roommate hanged himself in our basement on oct 17 to which i had to cut him down....he's now dead.
I have been diagnosed via psych as:
Panic attack disorder
generalized anxiety disorder
social anxiety disorder
post traumatic stress disorder
major depressive disorder
bi polar disorder (II & I)
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
chronic fatigue syndrome
obsessive compulsive disorder
insomnia
agoraphobia
chronic liver disease/hep c [FUCK]
and i'm sure a bunch of other shit i'm not listing.
Kinda hard to feel like a functioning member of society when doctors tell you you got ten different disorders/things wrong with you.
i also have bone spurs on my shoulder blades which not only give chronic pain plus muscle atrophy leading to more pain, and there are no stretches or anything you can do for it.
I also have scoliosis in two spots on my spine.
I'm freaking out, thankfully i still have 4 days (or 48 tablets of 0.5mg xanax) yet still get these clonazepams today when i pick up my methadone....but with my panic attacks i get....im freaking out! I can't even SPEAK when i have one i stutter like a bitch whenever i don't have xanax and i typically take 4mg at a time and then take the last 2mg at night but i'll let all the other anxieties build up until i have a panic attack then i'll take 2 bars/4mg worth of xanax and i'll feel relaxation and the panic will go away and i'm sometimes able to do things like go out in public and shit.
My brother died dec 10 a few years ago (he was my only sibling and my 5.5 year older brother) and i'd lived with him for years, he was technically my closest friend next to markus (the one who hanged himself). When my brother OD'd from pills our piece of fucking shit biological "father" gave him for "headaches" his roommates set him on the bed FACE FUCKING DOWN. I drive to 7/11 (we lived on an acreage near a small town 10 mins away) and when i come back 2 of his roommates come running out the the fronbt door saying "your brother isn't breathing dallas isnt breathing!!!" and i didmn't even pull the e brake i just took it out of gear jumped out sprinted the fastest ive ever ran in my life tripping over my own feet THREE FUCKING TIMES and when i found him his head was turned to the side so i scooped the vomit from his mouth (and even tho SEVEN PEOPLE LIVED IN THIS GIANT HOUSE WE HAD - NOBODY including his wife who worked in a medical clinic KNEW HOW TO GIVE C P FUCKING R!) so as i'm in full panic i try to give a compression while he is on the bed. obv this doesn't work i tell the people watching "GRAB HIS FUCKING LEGS YOU STUPID FUCKS" and we set him on the floor, i tilt his head back clear the remaining vomit, do three compressions (in case vomit was still blocking his airways) and check he's breathing. HE ISN'T FUCKING BREATHING. THE CLOCK IS TICKING JESUS FUCK. So i blow into his mouth 2-3 times and begin compression (911 was on speaker this entire time, to which i said immediately HE NEEDS NALOXONE/narcane"[MORE ON THIS IN A MOMENT]) i can hear the air coming out and going in, THE CPR IS WORKING! First a cop shows up, he has no narcane and see's i'm giving cpr so he just STANDS AT THE BACK BEING USELESS, i ask if ANYONE can take over as id been giving compressions for over 25 mins at this point and sweat was dripping into my eyes and my back was SOAKED. Nobody "trusted themselves enough" and that was a big enough deterrent for me to switch so i continue.. after 55 minutes of the only oxygen in his airways being my breath and the vacuume from the compressions i hear a loud SNAP as his rib breaks; i stop with tears in my eyes looking at one of his best friends beside me - he say's "that rib wont kill him,. keep going!". After over an hr EMS arrive and they COMMAND me to STEP OUT OF THEIR WAY as they begin cpr by putting a tube through his mouth and squeezing the bag. I tell them to admin the naloxone and guess what they fucking say. YEP THEY DON'T HAVE ANY (EVEN THO IN MY CITY SINCE THE FENTANYL HIT THE STREETS THEY ARE ALL REQUIRED TO HAVE MULTIPLE DOSES). i notice after 5-10 mins they put a defibrillator on (his heart still was beating as i gave him cpr!). They take him to the hospital where he is comatosed with zero brain activity. As this being a fate worse than death, i asked what would happen when he wakes up and the neurologist said he will likely not be himself anymore.............. sobbing, my mom and i said our peace...We sat next to him for 3 days before pulling the plug. I'm still so fucked over this. and now my best friend fucking hangs himself and i'm now totally alone.
I'm trying to get off this fucking methadone as i've been on it almost as long as i was injecting heroin and dilaudid into my veins.
Am i a lost cause? Will this clonazepam work even when i should technically even be getting a temp increase due to the new anxiety of losing my last and only friend? (ALL THREE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS KILLED THEMSELVES, TWO VIA HANGING ONE VIA OVERDOSE) so it's like ALL MY FRIENDS took their lives and left me behind. I even said i'd make a suicide pact with the two who hanged themselves so if they really wanted to die they woulnd't have to go alone. Now i only plan to live for as long as my mom lives as i don't want to hurt her, so my plan is to use an exit bag with a 14.9cu helium tank to go peacefully when she is gone.
anyways i got sidetracked./
Will clonazpam be a good replacement for 12.6 years of xanax?
edit
also my methadone doctor says i should call the CBoP (College board of physicians which are the ones responsible for making sure doctors dont over prescribe. and my doctor once showed me a letter from them "after the second time meeting with them about" me.
Clearly he should not have been giving an 18 year old xanax which is recommended 2 months or 2 years at the very MAXIMUM.
Should i call a lawyer? will they even take mme on for free?
But since I've come down from 120mg methadone to now 20 mg (my best friend since elementary and roommate hanged himself in our basement on oct 17 to which i had to cut him down....he's now dead.
I have been diagnosed via psych as:
Panic attack disorder
generalized anxiety disorder
social anxiety disorder
post traumatic stress disorder
major depressive disorder
bi polar disorder (II & I)
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
chronic fatigue syndrome
obsessive compulsive disorder
insomnia
agoraphobia
chronic liver disease/hep c [FUCK]
and i'm sure a bunch of other shit i'm not listing.
Kinda hard to feel like a functioning member of society when doctors tell you you got ten different disorders/things wrong with you.
i also have bone spurs on my shoulder blades which not only give chronic pain plus muscle atrophy leading to more pain, and there are no stretches or anything you can do for it.
I also have scoliosis in two spots on my spine.
I'm freaking out, thankfully i still have 4 days (or 48 tablets of 0.5mg xanax) yet still get these clonazepams today when i pick up my methadone....but with my panic attacks i get....im freaking out! I can't even SPEAK when i have one i stutter like a bitch whenever i don't have xanax and i typically take 4mg at a time and then take the last 2mg at night but i'll let all the other anxieties build up until i have a panic attack then i'll take 2 bars/4mg worth of xanax and i'll feel relaxation and the panic will go away and i'm sometimes able to do things like go out in public and shit.
My brother died dec 10 a few years ago (he was my only sibling and my 5.5 year older brother) and i'd lived with him for years, he was technically my closest friend next to markus (the one who hanged himself). When my brother OD'd from pills our piece of fucking shit biological "father" gave him for "headaches" his roommates set him on the bed FACE FUCKING DOWN. I drive to 7/11 (we lived on an acreage near a small town 10 mins away) and when i come back 2 of his roommates come running out the the fronbt door saying "your brother isn't breathing dallas isnt breathing!!!" and i didmn't even pull the e brake i just took it out of gear jumped out sprinted the fastest ive ever ran in my life tripping over my own feet THREE FUCKING TIMES and when i found him his head was turned to the side so i scooped the vomit from his mouth (and even tho SEVEN PEOPLE LIVED IN THIS GIANT HOUSE WE HAD - NOBODY including his wife who worked in a medical clinic KNEW HOW TO GIVE C P FUCKING R!) so as i'm in full panic i try to give a compression while he is on the bed. obv this doesn't work i tell the people watching "GRAB HIS FUCKING LEGS YOU STUPID FUCKS" and we set him on the floor, i tilt his head back clear the remaining vomit, do three compressions (in case vomit was still blocking his airways) and check he's breathing. HE ISN'T FUCKING BREATHING. THE CLOCK IS TICKING JESUS FUCK. So i blow into his mouth 2-3 times and begin compression (911 was on speaker this entire time, to which i said immediately HE NEEDS NALOXONE/narcane"[MORE ON THIS IN A MOMENT]) i can hear the air coming out and going in, THE CPR IS WORKING! First a cop shows up, he has no narcane and see's i'm giving cpr so he just STANDS AT THE BACK BEING USELESS, i ask if ANYONE can take over as id been giving compressions for over 25 mins at this point and sweat was dripping into my eyes and my back was SOAKED. Nobody "trusted themselves enough" and that was a big enough deterrent for me to switch so i continue.. after 55 minutes of the only oxygen in his airways being my breath and the vacuume from the compressions i hear a loud SNAP as his rib breaks; i stop with tears in my eyes looking at one of his best friends beside me - he say's "that rib wont kill him,. keep going!". After over an hr EMS arrive and they COMMAND me to STEP OUT OF THEIR WAY as they begin cpr by putting a tube through his mouth and squeezing the bag. I tell them to admin the naloxone and guess what they fucking say. YEP THEY DON'T HAVE ANY (EVEN THO IN MY CITY SINCE THE FENTANYL HIT THE STREETS THEY ARE ALL REQUIRED TO HAVE MULTIPLE DOSES). i notice after 5-10 mins they put a defibrillator on (his heart still was beating as i gave him cpr!). They take him to the hospital where he is comatosed with zero brain activity. As this being a fate worse than death, i asked what would happen when he wakes up and the neurologist said he will likely not be himself anymore.............. sobbing, my mom and i said our peace...We sat next to him for 3 days before pulling the plug. I'm still so fucked over this. and now my best friend fucking hangs himself and i'm now totally alone.
I'm trying to get off this fucking methadone as i've been on it almost as long as i was injecting heroin and dilaudid into my veins.
Am i a lost cause? Will this clonazepam work even when i should technically even be getting a temp increase due to the new anxiety of losing my last and only friend? (ALL THREE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS KILLED THEMSELVES, TWO VIA HANGING ONE VIA OVERDOSE) so it's like ALL MY FRIENDS took their lives and left me behind. I even said i'd make a suicide pact with the two who hanged themselves so if they really wanted to die they woulnd't have to go alone. Now i only plan to live for as long as my mom lives as i don't want to hurt her, so my plan is to use an exit bag with a 14.9cu helium tank to go peacefully when she is gone.
anyways i got sidetracked./
Will clonazpam be a good replacement for 12.6 years of xanax?
edit
also my methadone doctor says i should call the CBoP (College board of physicians which are the ones responsible for making sure doctors dont over prescribe. and my doctor once showed me a letter from them "after the second time meeting with them about" me.
Clearly he should not have been giving an 18 year old xanax which is recommended 2 months or 2 years at the very MAXIMUM.
Should i call a lawyer? will they even take mme on for free?
Last edited:
Love and a big hug for you!
