prey
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 26, 2019
- Messages
- 10
Hi, folks. I've lurked Bluelight for several years, but it's 3-MeO-PCP that's finally brought me to join the discussion. This isn't my first post because it's taken me several days pull this together. It's been about 2 years since I've had access to this substance, of which I've personally gone through somewhere around 5-6 grams in my life. I've done about 65 unique acutely psychoactive drugs, with a special focus on dissociatives, but I've been blown away all over again by the raw creative and destructive power of 3-MeO-PCP.
This is a pretty long post, and it gets a little rambly, because I have years of thoughts about this drug that I've never put forth the effort to record. Bear with me! I've struggled to bring it to a "point", but I know if I let that stop me from putting my thoughts out there at all, they will stagnate.
What's currently fascinating me is the ability I seem to have picked up to leverage 3-MeO-PCP (and to a lesser extent, other dissociatives) to deliberately enact transformative change in my identity, my perception of reality, and the machinery of my own mind. I received my sample on 10/25, on the same day that a friend brought ketamine into my life for the first time. (I'm an RC disso connoisseur, but don't have many street connections.) I spent the next week on what turned out to be a truly transformative bender (lol).
Check out this post from page 1 of the big thread:
This idea of 3-MeO-PCP allowing one to tune into one's "true" self is resonant with me. I'm a non-binary transfemme myself, and central threads to my identity have always been gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, and (TMI alert!) struggling to comfortably express/indulge myself sexually. I find "male" orgasms & the "male" way of masturbating to be intensely uncomfortable and unnatural-feeling to me and my body. I've left that "male" sexuality entirely behind, and my sexual expression nowadays is centered on vibrations, letting go, the entirety of my organism and not just my genitals, and fully inhabiting this warm mammalian machine I inexplicably am.
Feminizing HRT (hormone replacement therapy, entailing estradiol, progesterone, and a testosterone-blocker) has obviously played no small part in the changes in my libido & sensuality, but dissociatives have played a huge part in coming this far (no pun intended) as well. For starters, I had my first anal orgasm on a combination of DOC and 3-MeO-PCP (on my birthday, even!). Those are both drugs with a very high affinity for vibratory sensations, at least for me. For years, anal orgasm had been a sort of "holy grail" to my sexuality that I'd pedestalized to the point of psyching myself out of it. I chased it for so long, and it was such a white whale to me that it felt like I had a mental block in place, almost viscerally, and the closer I was brought to climax, I'd slam into this mental block and the orgasmic waveform I'd been constructing would evaporate.
Since then, I've taken things further. I've brought myself to orgasm from the vibratory hallucinations of 3-MeO-PCP alone. Enough 3-MeO-PCP lets me pull this trick where, if I'm feeling/perceiving a certain sensory input, I can drop the cage bars on it and "capture" it in my mind, where I can keep poking and prodding it after the stimulus has ceased. I've done this with multiple sense types, but here I'm just talking about vibration. As a source, I've used an actual vibrator on my junk or up my rump, but I can also start with deep bassy music (or just a deep bass tone), or the vibratory hallucinations 3-MeO-PCP itself gives me. Once I have it, I've got it. I can turn off the vibrator or stop the music and keep the vibration going in my mind. Then, I can stretch it and dilate it, speeding it up or slowing it down, until it's just the right frequency and intensity that my entire being surrenders to orgasm.
I'm intrigued by the phrase "editing mode". On this 3-MeO-PCP + ketamine binge, one night I decided to see if I can't reprogram myself to permanently disable erections. I'm sure that sounds bizarre to many people, but just roll with it; erections are a big source of dysphoria for me. When I'm maximally comfortable in my body, or being sexually handled by a partner in the perfect way, I'm limp as a wet noodle. Anyway, I put on my dissonaut goggles (a memory-foam sleep mask) and my big furry paws and got under my weighted blanket, which has become my ritual for simulating a bottom-shelf sendep tank. I progressively relaxed my entire body, especially my junk, and kept experiencing the sensation of relaxing another "layer", of unclenching muscles one more stage, deeper and deeper into an astral-anesthetic state. Eventually, I reached a "peak" (really a trough) of relaxation and I feel like I "opened the circuit" and entered the orgasmic state, but it wasn't a burst of pleasure.
Figuratively, an orgasm is usually like a burst of pleasure that forces its way through a constricted passage, which presses itself closed once the burst is through, like when a snake swallows a mouse and you can watch the mouse travel down the snake's body. The duration and intensity of the pulse are the dimensions in which "male orgasms" and "female orgasms" are said to differ (it's true; take it from someone who's had both). This was like a fully open channel. I was in continuous orgasm, and all the cum inside me was released immediately. And I mean all, I felt drained to a degree I hadn't conceived of before. The circuit remained open as long as I sustained it, so I also felt like after the initial release, I was continually cumming at whatever tiny mL/hour rate my body was producing it. Not sure if that's physiologically sound, but that was the sensation.
I've got plenty more to say about this topic, but this whole post wasn't supposed to be about orgasm, whoops, so let's move on.
What snagged my attention here is the idea of choosing how much darkness to take back from the trip. It's impossible for me to deny the lasting effects 3-MeO-PCP has had on me, in major identity-related ways (such as above), but in more minor ways too. For example, when I first got my vape mod, I wasn't especially proficient at refilling the tank and would need to set things down on a surface. That is, until I started doing it on 3-MeO-PCP once, and it just clicked. I could suddenly manage to unscrew the tank lid, unscrew the juice lid, tip the juice bottle into the tank and squeeze, then reverse the whole process, while keeping all 3 non-juice-bottle pieces upright the whole time, holding everything in my two hands somehow, without setting anything down, sitting down myself, or even while walking. I was tripping face at a furry convention for 4 straight days at the time, and I didn't even realize I suddenly had this complicated, dextrous ability until afterwards, but at some point along the way I'd not only figured out the exact sequence of fine manipulation but ingrained it so deeply into my brain that I could do it without a second thought.
I'm reminded of something I read once that claimed that, while playing guitar, there is less neuronal activity within a professional guitarist's brain than in that of a novice. The explanation I've been building in my head to help me understand what 3-MeO-PCP does to me is something like this:
If channeled deliberately, 3-MeO-PCP lets me progressively still the turbulence in my mind. First, starting with the shallowest, most superficial/ad hoc layers, like my awareness of where I am at the time, what I'm doing, the surface-level thoughts that flit through your brain moment-to-moment. Next, the layers of junk that's always "in the back of your mind" - things you don't think about all the time, but that your thoughts come back to when you have a quiet moment alone. For me, these are things like the chores I've most recently been putting off, the software functionality I'm currently developing for work, my relationships with the friends I'm most invested in nurturing at the time, my nascent weekend plans, etc. Next is nagging fears and anxieties you carry with you every day. For me, these are like thoughts about my discomfort with my body, insecurity about being a "real" independent adult, guilt about not continuing the web serial I'm still passionate about writing but haven't touched in 3 years, etc.
3-MeO-PCP lets me calm these metaphorical waters in a way that's surprisingly aligned with traditional meditation. Not the think-hard-about-nothing meditation that is the West's common misinterpretation of the phenomenon, but the true kind of meditation that asks nothing of you except patience, waiting on your mind to settle on its own. You just watch these thoughts come up as they will, without fighting them back down or reacting to them. In Alan Watts' words, that's like quieting a pond by beating the surface of the water.
Underneath it all, you've got no activity in your mind except the core machinery that keeps your organism running, the vast majority of which isn't directly accessible to your mind at all. In fact, the truly transcendental realization here for me is that the mind is a tiny component of my organism, and that nothing at all is actually required of it for normal function to continue. With dissociatives in the mix, this is where we can go even further than in sober meditation alone. The perceptual machinery can afford to totally shut down. Your eyes aren't just shut, the uniform blackness visual input is being disregarded and not entering your conscious experience. Your body is in complete autonomic standby; with the knowledge that when the time comes your muscle memory will spring to life and it will be easy to play your limbs again.
With my mind completely empty of everything nonessential - which turns out to be pretty much just-plain-everything - that's where I feel like I can start rewiring my brain to better suit my needs. If I've entered this state deliberately, with a "goal" in mind (like prioritizing taking care of my body's needs or *cough* disabling erections), I've probably kept that goal in a little protected "parcel"/payload on this journey, occupying a tiny fraction of available space while all other activity is settled down until they're unperturbed long enough to fade from awareness. What happens next, I don't know how to explain - some notion of "unpacking" that payload, combined with 3-MeO-PCP's omnipotent mania, lets me make surprising progress in integrating it into the base level of my mind.
As you come out of this state, the more superficial layers of your ego/identity/experience start re-accumulating, and your mind gets re-cluttered with all the minutia and tedium of day-to-day-life. But the changes made to the lowest layers will stay, and will affect how more mental activity gets stacked on top of them.
I think I've made it seem like I'm talking specifically about lying down to meditate to use 3-MeO-PCP to reach these lower layers, but it doesn't have to be so. I wasn't deliberately meditating when my brain figured out the vape juice trick, of course, yet the muscle memory for it is ingrained in me on such a deep level that it was almost uncomfortable that it happened "accidentally". 3-MeO-PCP's affected the way I do various other physical tasks, as well. I carry an everyday bag instead of sticking things in my pockets (which I often don't have -- women's clothing lacking pockets is a racket to sell purses, by the way), and I can retrieve most things from it by muscle memory alone. I can retrieve my pocketbook and get out my debit card, get my pill tower and open it to the correct level and take a pill, fetch my portable battery or notebook or any of my knives of various blade sizes, almost entirely without looking, while still walking or gently balancing on one leg (don't know why I do this, maybe just as a "flex", but it feels good to stretch my body or balance well, and it makes me feel powerful).
Obviously, humans are good at learning muscle memory for repetitive tasks, and I'm not untalented at physical tasking to begin with, but I truly believe practicing these motions in a state of omnipotent calm on 3-MeO-PCP has a lot to do with how good I've become at it. Another component here is ensuring that the conditions are reliably the same, so everything in my bag has a designated spot to avoid fishing for something, my pocketbook has a designated orientation so the cards I use are in the same spot, and returning objects to the right place in the right orientation is part of the muscle memory sequence as well.
I think there's something to be said about the "body schema" machinery that each of us has as well. Give it a google if you haven't heard of it, but it's the canonical representation of your body in your brain. Correct me if I mispeak here, but when you think about or consciously control a certain body part, there's a corresponding part in the brain (not necessarily contiguously connected) that's responsible for interfacing with that body part. The beautiful thing here is that the body schema is fundamentally plastic; it changes to suit your brain's needs based on how your body changes or how your practice of tasking motions is refined. And it's not limited to encoding your representation of your physical body, either! I've heard an anecdote of women in older times, when huge ornate hats were vogue, who had enough instinctual awareness of the weight and dimensions of their hats to subconsciously duck through doorways. I wear a kind of watch that's small, electronic, and waterproof, so that I never have to take it off, and like a piercing, it's integrated into my body schema so thoroughly that I'm wearing it in dreams, and I give my body a "look up the time" command without ever having to think about moving my wrist, eyes, or fingers to press the backlight button. (I think most people who wear a watch reach some level of integration pretty quickly, so it's not that impressive, but it's still a good example).
I believe 3-MeO-PCP excels in tapping into editing this body schema as well. Along with the strict standards I usually hold my bag too, I think 3-MeO-PCP has let me incorporate my bag into my body schema to the degree that I have complete mastery over it the way I do my limbs, I have instinctual access to the way its weight & moment of intertia affect my center of gravity, etc. Aside from the bag, I think this integration can apply to, say, a phone that's well-kept easily accessible enough to become essentially a prosthetic. Another great example is one's car; when you accelerate, brake, signal a turn, etc., you usually don't involve the motions of your body once you're comfortable driving. You don't think about moving your physical body, you just think about moving the car. (No, I don't drive on PCP.)
Something I'm going to try in the future is to use 3-MeO-PCP to make a concerted effort to disable my extremely problematic picking habits. My whole life, I've picked at my body, alternating between my nails, cuticles, lips, and bug bite scabs, depending on the season. I'm really tasty to bugs and I get devoured every summer, then I usually pick at the wounds and keep them from healing until winter comes and my skin isn't exposed through most of the day. Then, I move into fucking with my lips, since they start getting chapped, and depending on other factors I'm probably always picking my fingers until they fucking bleed. It's something I hate about myself so, so much. It makes me feel hideous and gross, and especially the fingers make my life really difficult. It makes using my bag (i.e. living my life) a task I instinctually avoid. If my fingers are raw & bloody it's insanely painful to detangle my hair, so my hair grooming starts suffering for it, and it spirals out to diminish my quality of life in so many ways like that.
I have an adderall prescription, and it's extremely important to me not being a depressed dysfunctional mess, but I often feel myself instinctually avoiding taking it because I know it exacerbates my picking. It's something I've struggled with since I was a young child, but I've never been able to get a grip on it and it seems like the urge never goes away. I want to fix it. I want to really and truly fix it, and I'm starting to think that maybe I can.
An idea I've been toying with is combining 3-MeO-PCP with another drug (call it substance X) to deliberately "integrate" the changes induced by X into my sober, baseline mind, in a permanent fashion. I'm still turning over the possibilities in my mind, but I did this with X = ketamine and it seemed to work pretty well. Ketamine excels in helping me reach a relaxed, natural state where I, the ego, just am the animal machine that I always am, and since my K + 3-MeO-PCP experience I've felt a lot more comfortable in my body. Also, just as something interesting worth noting, I later learned that longterm ketamine use has been correlated with erectile dysfunction
so who knows where that could take me.
So, maybe I will choose a substance that specifically helps me curb my picking urges and that is also safe to combine with 3-MeO-PCP — maybe it could just be more ketamine, because I've definitely been relaxed enough not to pick even when on functional doses of K — and performing the ritual I described above. I'm torn, though — part of me thinks it might work better to use a substances that exacerbates picking. My plan is to try to use the "capturing" trick on the urge to pick, if I can tune into myself enough to isolate it. I'd have to be very careful combining adderall and 3-MeO-PCP, though. Might be best to pick something else.
I'm excited to finally put some of these thoughts out into the world. It's a whole other can of worms that I won't open right now, but I think 3-MeO-PCP played a large role in my clawing my way out from the retail world into the software career I have now. Three years ago, I was scrubbing shit off plastic bins in a pet shop, for a few bucks over minimum wage. Now, I have an actual career I care about that exceeds median US household income, live comfortably alone, take care of my body, living space, & possessions, and am (usually) a lot more responsible about drug use, usually playing a balancing role in tempering the drug use of my friends for greater long-term effect. I'm really sorry if it sounds like I'm just flexing, but I feel truly #blessed to have reached this point after so long wallowing in chronic insecurity, debt, toxic attachment patterns, and my intimidating stack of mental disorder diagnoses. I have a long way to go, and I'm always scared of losing what I have or regressing in my mental progress, but I'm also eager to refine my understanding of how I got here and figure out what components can be isolated and shared.
Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk. I realize I've thrown a ton of thoughts out there all at once, but any feedback on these ideas is really appreciated, even if it's just a stray thought or two about a similarity that resonated with your own experience with dissos. I realize I'm playing with fire when I talk about exploiting dissociative neuroplasticity to make permanent changes in my brain, but I'm trying to proceed responsibly. And in case you're wondering, yes, 3-Meo-PCP and adderall were each (separately) involved in the writing of this post.
This is a pretty long post, and it gets a little rambly, because I have years of thoughts about this drug that I've never put forth the effort to record. Bear with me! I've struggled to bring it to a "point", but I know if I let that stop me from putting my thoughts out there at all, they will stagnate.
What's currently fascinating me is the ability I seem to have picked up to leverage 3-MeO-PCP (and to a lesser extent, other dissociatives) to deliberately enact transformative change in my identity, my perception of reality, and the machinery of my own mind. I received my sample on 10/25, on the same day that a friend brought ketamine into my life for the first time. (I'm an RC disso connoisseur, but don't have many street connections.) I spent the next week on what turned out to be a truly transformative bender (lol).
Check out this post from page 1 of the big thread:
This idea of 3-MeO-PCP allowing one to tune into one's "true" self is resonant with me. I'm a non-binary transfemme myself, and central threads to my identity have always been gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, and (TMI alert!) struggling to comfortably express/indulge myself sexually. I find "male" orgasms & the "male" way of masturbating to be intensely uncomfortable and unnatural-feeling to me and my body. I've left that "male" sexuality entirely behind, and my sexual expression nowadays is centered on vibrations, letting go, the entirety of my organism and not just my genitals, and fully inhabiting this warm mammalian machine I inexplicably am.
Feminizing HRT (hormone replacement therapy, entailing estradiol, progesterone, and a testosterone-blocker) has obviously played no small part in the changes in my libido & sensuality, but dissociatives have played a huge part in coming this far (no pun intended) as well. For starters, I had my first anal orgasm on a combination of DOC and 3-MeO-PCP (on my birthday, even!). Those are both drugs with a very high affinity for vibratory sensations, at least for me. For years, anal orgasm had been a sort of "holy grail" to my sexuality that I'd pedestalized to the point of psyching myself out of it. I chased it for so long, and it was such a white whale to me that it felt like I had a mental block in place, almost viscerally, and the closer I was brought to climax, I'd slam into this mental block and the orgasmic waveform I'd been constructing would evaporate.
Since then, I've taken things further. I've brought myself to orgasm from the vibratory hallucinations of 3-MeO-PCP alone. Enough 3-MeO-PCP lets me pull this trick where, if I'm feeling/perceiving a certain sensory input, I can drop the cage bars on it and "capture" it in my mind, where I can keep poking and prodding it after the stimulus has ceased. I've done this with multiple sense types, but here I'm just talking about vibration. As a source, I've used an actual vibrator on my junk or up my rump, but I can also start with deep bassy music (or just a deep bass tone), or the vibratory hallucinations 3-MeO-PCP itself gives me. Once I have it, I've got it. I can turn off the vibrator or stop the music and keep the vibration going in my mind. Then, I can stretch it and dilate it, speeding it up or slowing it down, until it's just the right frequency and intensity that my entire being surrenders to orgasm.
I'm intrigued by the phrase "editing mode". On this 3-MeO-PCP + ketamine binge, one night I decided to see if I can't reprogram myself to permanently disable erections. I'm sure that sounds bizarre to many people, but just roll with it; erections are a big source of dysphoria for me. When I'm maximally comfortable in my body, or being sexually handled by a partner in the perfect way, I'm limp as a wet noodle. Anyway, I put on my dissonaut goggles (a memory-foam sleep mask) and my big furry paws and got under my weighted blanket, which has become my ritual for simulating a bottom-shelf sendep tank. I progressively relaxed my entire body, especially my junk, and kept experiencing the sensation of relaxing another "layer", of unclenching muscles one more stage, deeper and deeper into an astral-anesthetic state. Eventually, I reached a "peak" (really a trough) of relaxation and I feel like I "opened the circuit" and entered the orgasmic state, but it wasn't a burst of pleasure.
Figuratively, an orgasm is usually like a burst of pleasure that forces its way through a constricted passage, which presses itself closed once the burst is through, like when a snake swallows a mouse and you can watch the mouse travel down the snake's body. The duration and intensity of the pulse are the dimensions in which "male orgasms" and "female orgasms" are said to differ (it's true; take it from someone who's had both). This was like a fully open channel. I was in continuous orgasm, and all the cum inside me was released immediately. And I mean all, I felt drained to a degree I hadn't conceived of before. The circuit remained open as long as I sustained it, so I also felt like after the initial release, I was continually cumming at whatever tiny mL/hour rate my body was producing it. Not sure if that's physiologically sound, but that was the sensation.
I've got plenty more to say about this topic, but this whole post wasn't supposed to be about orgasm, whoops, so let's move on.
What snagged my attention here is the idea of choosing how much darkness to take back from the trip. It's impossible for me to deny the lasting effects 3-MeO-PCP has had on me, in major identity-related ways (such as above), but in more minor ways too. For example, when I first got my vape mod, I wasn't especially proficient at refilling the tank and would need to set things down on a surface. That is, until I started doing it on 3-MeO-PCP once, and it just clicked. I could suddenly manage to unscrew the tank lid, unscrew the juice lid, tip the juice bottle into the tank and squeeze, then reverse the whole process, while keeping all 3 non-juice-bottle pieces upright the whole time, holding everything in my two hands somehow, without setting anything down, sitting down myself, or even while walking. I was tripping face at a furry convention for 4 straight days at the time, and I didn't even realize I suddenly had this complicated, dextrous ability until afterwards, but at some point along the way I'd not only figured out the exact sequence of fine manipulation but ingrained it so deeply into my brain that I could do it without a second thought.
I'm reminded of something I read once that claimed that, while playing guitar, there is less neuronal activity within a professional guitarist's brain than in that of a novice. The explanation I've been building in my head to help me understand what 3-MeO-PCP does to me is something like this:
If channeled deliberately, 3-MeO-PCP lets me progressively still the turbulence in my mind. First, starting with the shallowest, most superficial/ad hoc layers, like my awareness of where I am at the time, what I'm doing, the surface-level thoughts that flit through your brain moment-to-moment. Next, the layers of junk that's always "in the back of your mind" - things you don't think about all the time, but that your thoughts come back to when you have a quiet moment alone. For me, these are things like the chores I've most recently been putting off, the software functionality I'm currently developing for work, my relationships with the friends I'm most invested in nurturing at the time, my nascent weekend plans, etc. Next is nagging fears and anxieties you carry with you every day. For me, these are like thoughts about my discomfort with my body, insecurity about being a "real" independent adult, guilt about not continuing the web serial I'm still passionate about writing but haven't touched in 3 years, etc.
3-MeO-PCP lets me calm these metaphorical waters in a way that's surprisingly aligned with traditional meditation. Not the think-hard-about-nothing meditation that is the West's common misinterpretation of the phenomenon, but the true kind of meditation that asks nothing of you except patience, waiting on your mind to settle on its own. You just watch these thoughts come up as they will, without fighting them back down or reacting to them. In Alan Watts' words, that's like quieting a pond by beating the surface of the water.
Underneath it all, you've got no activity in your mind except the core machinery that keeps your organism running, the vast majority of which isn't directly accessible to your mind at all. In fact, the truly transcendental realization here for me is that the mind is a tiny component of my organism, and that nothing at all is actually required of it for normal function to continue. With dissociatives in the mix, this is where we can go even further than in sober meditation alone. The perceptual machinery can afford to totally shut down. Your eyes aren't just shut, the uniform blackness visual input is being disregarded and not entering your conscious experience. Your body is in complete autonomic standby; with the knowledge that when the time comes your muscle memory will spring to life and it will be easy to play your limbs again.
With my mind completely empty of everything nonessential - which turns out to be pretty much just-plain-everything - that's where I feel like I can start rewiring my brain to better suit my needs. If I've entered this state deliberately, with a "goal" in mind (like prioritizing taking care of my body's needs or *cough* disabling erections), I've probably kept that goal in a little protected "parcel"/payload on this journey, occupying a tiny fraction of available space while all other activity is settled down until they're unperturbed long enough to fade from awareness. What happens next, I don't know how to explain - some notion of "unpacking" that payload, combined with 3-MeO-PCP's omnipotent mania, lets me make surprising progress in integrating it into the base level of my mind.
As you come out of this state, the more superficial layers of your ego/identity/experience start re-accumulating, and your mind gets re-cluttered with all the minutia and tedium of day-to-day-life. But the changes made to the lowest layers will stay, and will affect how more mental activity gets stacked on top of them.
I think I've made it seem like I'm talking specifically about lying down to meditate to use 3-MeO-PCP to reach these lower layers, but it doesn't have to be so. I wasn't deliberately meditating when my brain figured out the vape juice trick, of course, yet the muscle memory for it is ingrained in me on such a deep level that it was almost uncomfortable that it happened "accidentally". 3-MeO-PCP's affected the way I do various other physical tasks, as well. I carry an everyday bag instead of sticking things in my pockets (which I often don't have -- women's clothing lacking pockets is a racket to sell purses, by the way), and I can retrieve most things from it by muscle memory alone. I can retrieve my pocketbook and get out my debit card, get my pill tower and open it to the correct level and take a pill, fetch my portable battery or notebook or any of my knives of various blade sizes, almost entirely without looking, while still walking or gently balancing on one leg (don't know why I do this, maybe just as a "flex", but it feels good to stretch my body or balance well, and it makes me feel powerful).
Obviously, humans are good at learning muscle memory for repetitive tasks, and I'm not untalented at physical tasking to begin with, but I truly believe practicing these motions in a state of omnipotent calm on 3-MeO-PCP has a lot to do with how good I've become at it. Another component here is ensuring that the conditions are reliably the same, so everything in my bag has a designated spot to avoid fishing for something, my pocketbook has a designated orientation so the cards I use are in the same spot, and returning objects to the right place in the right orientation is part of the muscle memory sequence as well.
I think there's something to be said about the "body schema" machinery that each of us has as well. Give it a google if you haven't heard of it, but it's the canonical representation of your body in your brain. Correct me if I mispeak here, but when you think about or consciously control a certain body part, there's a corresponding part in the brain (not necessarily contiguously connected) that's responsible for interfacing with that body part. The beautiful thing here is that the body schema is fundamentally plastic; it changes to suit your brain's needs based on how your body changes or how your practice of tasking motions is refined. And it's not limited to encoding your representation of your physical body, either! I've heard an anecdote of women in older times, when huge ornate hats were vogue, who had enough instinctual awareness of the weight and dimensions of their hats to subconsciously duck through doorways. I wear a kind of watch that's small, electronic, and waterproof, so that I never have to take it off, and like a piercing, it's integrated into my body schema so thoroughly that I'm wearing it in dreams, and I give my body a "look up the time" command without ever having to think about moving my wrist, eyes, or fingers to press the backlight button. (I think most people who wear a watch reach some level of integration pretty quickly, so it's not that impressive, but it's still a good example).
I believe 3-MeO-PCP excels in tapping into editing this body schema as well. Along with the strict standards I usually hold my bag too, I think 3-MeO-PCP has let me incorporate my bag into my body schema to the degree that I have complete mastery over it the way I do my limbs, I have instinctual access to the way its weight & moment of intertia affect my center of gravity, etc. Aside from the bag, I think this integration can apply to, say, a phone that's well-kept easily accessible enough to become essentially a prosthetic. Another great example is one's car; when you accelerate, brake, signal a turn, etc., you usually don't involve the motions of your body once you're comfortable driving. You don't think about moving your physical body, you just think about moving the car. (No, I don't drive on PCP.)
Something I'm going to try in the future is to use 3-MeO-PCP to make a concerted effort to disable my extremely problematic picking habits. My whole life, I've picked at my body, alternating between my nails, cuticles, lips, and bug bite scabs, depending on the season. I'm really tasty to bugs and I get devoured every summer, then I usually pick at the wounds and keep them from healing until winter comes and my skin isn't exposed through most of the day. Then, I move into fucking with my lips, since they start getting chapped, and depending on other factors I'm probably always picking my fingers until they fucking bleed. It's something I hate about myself so, so much. It makes me feel hideous and gross, and especially the fingers make my life really difficult. It makes using my bag (i.e. living my life) a task I instinctually avoid. If my fingers are raw & bloody it's insanely painful to detangle my hair, so my hair grooming starts suffering for it, and it spirals out to diminish my quality of life in so many ways like that.
I have an adderall prescription, and it's extremely important to me not being a depressed dysfunctional mess, but I often feel myself instinctually avoiding taking it because I know it exacerbates my picking. It's something I've struggled with since I was a young child, but I've never been able to get a grip on it and it seems like the urge never goes away. I want to fix it. I want to really and truly fix it, and I'm starting to think that maybe I can.
An idea I've been toying with is combining 3-MeO-PCP with another drug (call it substance X) to deliberately "integrate" the changes induced by X into my sober, baseline mind, in a permanent fashion. I'm still turning over the possibilities in my mind, but I did this with X = ketamine and it seemed to work pretty well. Ketamine excels in helping me reach a relaxed, natural state where I, the ego, just am the animal machine that I always am, and since my K + 3-MeO-PCP experience I've felt a lot more comfortable in my body. Also, just as something interesting worth noting, I later learned that longterm ketamine use has been correlated with erectile dysfunction
so who knows where that could take me.So, maybe I will choose a substance that specifically helps me curb my picking urges and that is also safe to combine with 3-MeO-PCP — maybe it could just be more ketamine, because I've definitely been relaxed enough not to pick even when on functional doses of K — and performing the ritual I described above. I'm torn, though — part of me thinks it might work better to use a substances that exacerbates picking. My plan is to try to use the "capturing" trick on the urge to pick, if I can tune into myself enough to isolate it. I'd have to be very careful combining adderall and 3-MeO-PCP, though. Might be best to pick something else.
I'm excited to finally put some of these thoughts out into the world. It's a whole other can of worms that I won't open right now, but I think 3-MeO-PCP played a large role in my clawing my way out from the retail world into the software career I have now. Three years ago, I was scrubbing shit off plastic bins in a pet shop, for a few bucks over minimum wage. Now, I have an actual career I care about that exceeds median US household income, live comfortably alone, take care of my body, living space, & possessions, and am (usually) a lot more responsible about drug use, usually playing a balancing role in tempering the drug use of my friends for greater long-term effect. I'm really sorry if it sounds like I'm just flexing, but I feel truly #blessed to have reached this point after so long wallowing in chronic insecurity, debt, toxic attachment patterns, and my intimidating stack of mental disorder diagnoses. I have a long way to go, and I'm always scared of losing what I have or regressing in my mental progress, but I'm also eager to refine my understanding of how I got here and figure out what components can be isolated and shared.
Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk. I realize I've thrown a ton of thoughts out there all at once, but any feedback on these ideas is really appreciated, even if it's just a stray thought or two about a similarity that resonated with your own experience with dissos. I realize I'm playing with fire when I talk about exploiting dissociative neuroplasticity to make permanent changes in my brain, but I'm trying to proceed responsibly. And in case you're wondering, yes, 3-Meo-PCP and adderall were each (separately) involved in the writing of this post.
