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iLoveYouWithaKnife

iLoveYouWithaKnife

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 30, 2002
Messages
8,351
And you think this is all fun and games, and when finally..... finally, when I'M DONE, you have the nerve to ask me why??????? didn't you give anything any question, before it got this far??
and you say you want things to go back to how they were, us hanging out, having a good time, joking around, watching tv, drinking beer.
times changed my dear.
and those times, have definitely overcome us.
and sure, i can sit here on my floor, with my beer while i listen to the cure and type to you sarcastic remarks... that you don't take 'all to sarcastic'. you just think it's me being playful. but i'm sick of playing. playing this fucking game with you, that gets me absolutely no where but hating you, and hating myself.
and as you are about to log off, i say, 'good night, have a good day at work.' and thanks, once again....... 'for calling me back.' *sarcasm*
"sorry i didn't call you back, i got yelled at and couldn't use the phone again..., i'll try to call you tomorrow, or catch me on here."
'yeah...'
"aight?? have a good night babe..."
'yeah, i will, cause for once, you aren't here.'
"sorry... i tried to be nice."
'yeah, and i didn't.'
"night babe, i'm going now, love ya, goodnight."
'yeah hate you, terrible fucking nightmares. (instead of i love you, sweet dreams.) cause the truth is, is no longer shall you ruin my life'
"no doubt......"
'no doubt in my mind, just like my thoughts of you... they don't exsist any longer.'
"good night drunkard."
'i'm not drunk'
"good night"
'late'
* _______ signed off *
and i'll sit here and shake uncontrollable because i'm crying so much, because so many times i have faith in someone, more than myself, and they always let me down. and i let myself down.
and i hate it.
because i am worth so much, as much as i think i am.
but right now, i feel like nothing.
and once again, i have someone else to thank for that.
 
and i'll sit here and shake uncontrollable because i'm crying so much, because so many times i have faith in someone, more than myself, and they always let me down. and i let myself down.
and i hate it.
because i am worth so much, as much as i think i am.
but right now, i feel like nothing.
and once again, i have someone else to thank for that.
:\ isn't it?
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I've read this piece 4 times now today and the same lines that biski highlighted are the ones which affected me too.
and i let myself down. and i hate it.
I just feel like I keep getting myself into the same situation and I set myself up to get hurt over and over, but I just don't know how to stop the cycle right now.
I want to blame the other person, but I can't, cos I know it's as much my own fault each and every time.
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I want to blame the other person, but I can't, cos I know it's as much my own fault each and every time.
see.... i find myself in the same situation as you say.... you get what i'm saying, and i get your response.
the only thing i can really respond to that is this: there's really no place to place blame. you can never be angry at someone because they don't see eye to eye with you, nor can someone be angry with you for not seeing eye to eye with them.
you end up disappointing yourself because you always go back to the same situation. and as tough as you try to be, you give into yourself, and set yourself up for the 'routine' thing, the cycle (cycle of life, and a vicious one, i may add).
i get very disappointed in myself for doing the 'routine thing'. ...to keep going back to something that upsets me... and really, it's not the 'other person' that is upsetting me, it's myself. not so much the fact that i keep going back to it, but for the fact that i keep thinking that someone might just understand what the hell i'm trying to say. i upset myself the most when i believe in people to much, and i try to make them see that they are worth SO MUCH MORE than what they are doing. and it hurts when as much as you say or do, they don't get it.
and i let myself down. and i hate it
... that just goes with, everytime i think that i can make someone think better than they do, somehow, just SOMEHOW, i end up the fucking asshole. i'm the bitch. when all i am trying to do is help. and i disappoint myself, because i am not helping myself. and i keep going back to the same routine, to try to make people see the beauty in themselves, when all they do is rip the beauty out of me. and i most regret, that time and time again i allow this to happen. because perhaps, i just hold people in my life so highly. :( and put myself down.
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and i most regret, that time and time again i allow this to happen. because perhaps, i just hold people in my life so highly. and put myself down.
it's a bit scary how you write exactly (almost) what I've been going through lately. it could be put down as we see the best in other people, and then we (or rather I) get ourselves into a loop and get agitated when it seems we can't do anything about the situation - whether it be trying to change ourselves, or the other person.
I just feel like I keep getting myself into the same situation and I set myself up to get hurt over and over, but I just don't know how to stop the cycle right now.
kat - i guess taking a step back, a deep breath in and walking away for a bit will help in a way. took me a while to realise that.
i'm taking a step back and just focus on the important things. and take things a day at a time ~ so far it helped lessen the hurt. and also remembering i am my own individual and no other can replace any bits of me (taken off my sig).
but still it hurts. :\
[ 02 February 2003: Message edited by: bisKi_b ]
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this reminds me of one of my relationships, i was constantly being let down as i threw all my energy into this man...who crushed me
he broke my heart, and then smashed it into a million pieces over and over
i dont know if it was because i cared for him and believed in him so much more than he did for me or if it was because i had such high standards and wanted something more than a surface relationship
either way it was a long road until i realized that it didn't matter, he made me feel so badly about myself, i was an emotional wreck that i had to stop doing this to myself
i realized that i actually had a choice, that i could remove myself from the situation, even if i didn't think my heart agreed with it, my brain knew it wasn't healthy and so i left
i tried to figure out what i wanted, what kind of person i wanted to be with, how i want my significant other to make me feel, how i wanted to make him feel....since then my self confidence has grown, my heart still gets broken...but it's a healthier break
you're right, you are worth more than that, so do whats best for you, what you truly feel, deep down...that feeling is always right, it's just a shame we sometimes ignore it
 
he broke my heart, and then smashed it into a million pieces over and over
i agree with this, but also, i look at it in a different way.... and say, 'he' didn't really smash my heart in a million pieces over and over again........ it's the fact the WE, allow it to happen to ourselves...... we allow that 'special' person, to have so much control........ not in a 'controlling way'.... but still so controlling, that we just can't walk away.... because we think that, not so much we can change them, but somehow think we can get 'them' to realize what we are saying. and 'they' will understand us. ... it's just those certain instances, when they don't....... that we can place blame on them, saying they hurt us, when really, WE hurt ourselves into thinking, or really believing in someone tooo much. and not ourselves. that is why hearts ache.
either way it was a long road until i realized that it didn't matter, he made me feel so badly about myself, i was an emotional wreck that i had to stop doing this to myself
on this note, i realize that no one makes me feel badly, other than myself..... perhaps that is where our situations differ....... i make myself an emotional wreck, but it isn't brought on my what one particular indiviual says.... it's just the fact that i don't see eye to eye with them, and they don't get me, and i don't get them...... once again........ no where to place blame... where blame shouldn't be placed...... but it's alot easier to say....... 'you hurt me, you made me feel this way'... other than admiting to yourself that you gave into to someone, let your guard down.
it's just a shame we sometimes ignore it
you are DAMN correct when you say we ignore it sometimes, but also, it's a damn shame that we ignore what someone else feels because we don't see eye to eye..... instead we take it as a direct attack towards them..... because, sometimes it's alot easier to take attack on someone else, because we get a rise from it.... when actually we should attack ourselves, and question ourselves on why we let ourselves down and why we let someone else make us feel a certain way..... instead of standing ground, and saying this is how i feel..... that is how you feel.... what can we do to work on it. ?
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thanks for all these responses, it's making me think about things in a 'different' way. it's not making me change my mind from my original post. because i posted what i felt at the time. but it's making me consider how the 'other' person feels. it's making me look at things on a different level. one perhaps, that i should look on, and perhaps all of us. i wish the best for all :) <3
 
"you just think it's me being playful. but i'm sick of playing. playing this fucking game with you, that gets me absolutely no where but hating you, and hating myself."
ack, that's exactly how i'm feeling right now
 
the only thing i can really respond to that is this: there's really no place to place blame. you can never be angry at someone because they don't see eye to eye with you, nor can someone be angry with you for not seeing eye to eye with them.
yeah, you're right, I guess it's not so much placing blame, that wasn't really what I wanted to express. I'm guess tired of trying to fool myself that the person will wake up one day and see the same things in me that I see in them.
bisk, I hope you don't mind that I quote your piece here...
i've been thinking a lot
about love, life and how things are
and of how they were
and how they will be
it made me cry when i think
of how what we had will never be
but people change and life goes on
in the end it's just me
i'm not giving up on life
not giving in to defeat
not changing myself so to suit someone else
because all that matters in the end
is just me
i have to like me
to be me...
I'm working on this part....
because all that matters in the end
is just me
i have to like me
to be me...
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female.
even the word sounds menacing.
dangerous
seemore
[ 05 February 2003: Message edited by: SelectionIll ]
 
isn't it a bit odd, how usually all females sounds the same, and how all males sound the same. that's got to mean something. it's not like we are all ganging up to man bash. lol, it's just something that happens. lol, just kidding.
men.
even the word sounds ignorant.
 
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