psychoblast
Bluelighter
2ct7, 2c-c & 2c-i -- 1st time -- bad idea
Well, I'm going to keep this short. Last night after work, I ran some errands and cleaned up my house for some guests coming this weekends. Around 8pm, I felt like I'd been very productive and had run out of things to do.
Anyway, I have been using psychedelic rc's a lot lately, in pursuit of answers to questions I don't like to think about sober. I guess this is a self-destructive way to pursue answers, but there it is.
This night I had wanted something different, but not too long, so I decided to use 2c-c (which is relatively short) and 2ct7. I decided to insufflate to shorten the duration of the experience. I had previously used this combo once before, so I decided to add 2c-i to see what that brought to the experience. My dosages were:
8mg 2c-i
5 mg 2ct7
12 mg 2c-c
I mixed the various powders up and made a line. Since 2ct7 and 2c-c have a burn (2c-i not really), I did the line in little stages, over the course of about 3 minutes. The burn was pretty bad and stayed around for 15-30 mintues. I did some weed to try to mellow out or take the edge off (though I also recognized that in some cases this can kick things into a higher gear).
It took about 10 minutes for things to get weird. Everything was wavy and I was sitting down. The room seemed too bright, so I turned off the lights. The tv seemed annoying, too, so I turned the volume way down after an unsuccessful channel surf for something I could follow. I had trouble following the plot of sitcoms or pretty much any show.
My cat was making noise, so I told her to be quiet. I noticed that I was actually short of breath after speaking. Like, a person should be able to say "Quiet, cat." without feeling like it was an effort to hold their breath for the time it took to get those words out, and without then immediately gasping for a breath once the words were completed. That bothered me. I got up and got some water, walking being fairly unstead. Drinking it produced a similar reaction -- I felt like it was an effort to hold my breath for the time to swallow water, and then was gasping when I finished.
All of this made me worry that I had screwed up with this combo. I reflected that since the brain controls stuff like keeping your heart beating and keeping you breathing and stuff that it would be possible to take chemicals that affect your brain in a way that makes your brain stop making your lungs go in and out. Or to just slow it down to the point where you don't get enough oxygen for your heart. I tried feeling my heart beat to see if it was going fast, but I could not find my beat.
Anyway, I was pretty worried at this point, berating myself for seeking something in these drugs rather than enjoy sobriety, and now possibly ending up as another statistic. I once again confronted the fact that I have developed an unhealthy addiction to drugs, even if only a psychological addiction, and I needed to break out of it.
At this point I thought I might be dying, or at least that I had to focus on my breathing to avoid dying, so I went upstairs to just lay down in bed in the dark so I could focus on that. The thought did occur to me that I was tripping and probably in no danger, things just felt weird, and that I might be able to steer my mindset somewhere better in a different environment.
Upstairs I turned on the radio and flopped into bed. The music was very intense, and my brain proceded down spiral pathways of thoughts as I listed to it. I pictured how we all are motivated by the idea of doing what we think we are supposed to be doing. I mean, even my irresponsible actions are based on this vision I have that a person SHOULD be irresponsible or else you are boring and uptight and close-minded. I felt that my view on what I SHOULD do, the decisions that I make, stem from my understanding of what it means to be an adult. Which are lessons I learned without even trying from watching my parents while growing up. So, anyway, while outwardly and consciously I strive to be NOT boring and uptight like my parents, inwardly and subconsciously I am following a path that will lead me to the same place, a mundane existence, a broken family etc.
I also thought that each person is a window through which the universe experiences itself. The universe finds beauty in its own complexity. Which is why pain and ugliness have a place because the most beautiful image is the one that is a complex web of beauty and ugliness. Anyway, I had a thought that people have a core which defines them, which determines WHAT they will experience for the universe. Will they allow the universe to experience pain? fear? love? hope?
Well, I went in phases of feeling pretty good and seeing beautiful images, sometimes erotic and near orgasmic. And then other phases where i still felt like my breathing was labored and I might be suffocating or about to have a heart attack or something. Interestingly, these last thoughts made me pissed if I were to die in such an embarrassing and stupid way. Like, it struck me as very significant that I was worried about how I would appear AFTER I was dead. I mean, I'm an atheist, so if I'm dead, that's it, game over, nothing left... I'd be beyond all possibly pain, sadness, joy, satisfaction...so it makes no sense to worry about the manner of my death, that it might be embarrassing, that it might disappoint my parents, etc. But I was worried. I wondered if that fact perhaps suggests that deep down I believe in some kind of afterlife, or even that there is an afterlife. I mean, from an evolutionary standpoint, it seems senseless to me that, if you knew you were going to die, you would prefer to die wearing clean underwear for example, or to throw away your porn first so people did not find it after you were dead. I mean, if you are dead, you are beyond all those cares.
Okay, after about an hour I decided I was going to live after all, and it was only about 9:30, though it seemed like much more time had passed. I stumbled my way downstairs for more water, and realized I was hungry, so I ate. Flavors were very intense and pretty good. I had some peach and then some avocado. Avocado seemed like the most delicious food. Wow.
I started to think about life, how I think that there are universes in a grain of sand and that our universe is perhaps a speck in a grain of sand, and this continues both larger and smaller, infinitely. The point being that even as we may swat a fly, some arm could be in motion to swat something that our entire universe is just a speck on, which will result in our demise. It made me feel like I understood the approach of monks and vegans who believe that you should never hurt another living thing, from an ant to a blade of grass, if you can help it. I pondered the feasibility of switching to a diet of just those foods that nature could give us without dying itself (i.e., more strict that just being a vegetarian). I figured maybe our destiny is to embrace a worldview in which we try to allow every living thing to survive, so long as we, too, can survive. Right now we seem to do a lot of killing just to make ourselves a tad more comfortable where we don't really need to kill for survival.
I decided to try drinking to take the edge off. Flavors were interesting, so I thought I'd try something different. I decided to drink so Jack Daniels straight. I search my house for a shot glass, but could not find one. I was opening the cupboards thinking, "How could I let myself become some guy who has no shot glass? How square is that? Here I go around thinking I'm pretty dynamic, thinking my conservative exterior hides a dashing and ultra-cool, ultra-hip mentality and I don't even have a goddam shot glass. If I were in college I'd be embarrassed at being so boring as to not have a shot glass. I consoled myself that perhaps my descent into obscure chemicals made up for the lack, and I poured some whiskey into a normal glass. I took a whiff...alcohol, caramel, poison, butter...intriguing. I took a sip, interesting and not bad. I took down some crown regal whiskey to have a taste test now that I felt I could really appreciate the nuances. It had a smoother bouquet and flavor, much nicer.
I went outside for a few minutes and the wind on my skin felt great, and the night sky was beautiful, so I just sat out there for a while. I lit a cigarette and just stared at the embers as it burned down, realizing that burning was happening to my lung tissue on some level whenever I smoked. It was a hard image to look away from.
Around this time a conversation ran through my head:
Female voice: What are you doing?
Me: I'm dying.
Female voice: We are all dying.
Me: True.
Female voice: What is the opposite of dying?
Me: Living.
Female voice: Are you living?
Me: Yes.
Female voice: How can you be living and dying at the same time, if they are opposites?
Me: I don't know. Because they are not opposites.
Female voice: No, they are not opposites. In fact, they are the same thing. Living is dying. To be afraid of dying is to be afraid of living.
Well, not sure if there is an objective value in that, but at the time it seemed cool.
Oh, I also realized that 33 years is about the longest a person can hang onto their youth, and avoid adult maturity. At least for me. I think that I have been trying to avoid growing up and getting older my whole life, like that was my main focus. Which is really not a focus at all. It is not like a place you head to. It is more like a place you avoid. So I've been living with no destination to go to, only a destination to avoid -- maturity. And I wondered if I had to pick a destination to go to, a thing I wanted to do, what would it be? To stop just idly drifting through life and seek to fulfill some purpose that meant something to me.
Well, at some point I went back inside and turned on the tv. I suddenly saw the value and appeal of the really stupid family sitcoms I'd always looked down on. I mean, I saw part of an episode of Growing Pains and I saw how the husband and wife's banter was thick with sexual references, words that were not dirty or explicit but still MEANT "I'm going to do you later." or "Let's do something kinky in bed." or "Are you fucking the nanny?" And the core message of the parents is that their problems are not that bad as long as they have each other and are committed to each other first. I was amazed how the surface innocence of the show -- no swearing, no skin, no explicit sexual overtones -- made me miss how underlying it, all the stuff of life was in there, including sex and adultery.
Okay, things tended to get more and more normal until around midnight I just had a vague restlessness, uneasiness, unsteadiness. This combo definitely gave me some increased awareness in all senses -- colors, sounds, tastes, touch. It also had the traditional wavy swirling that makes it look like the walls are breathing and stuff like that. Some of it was pleasurable, but even at the best times, there was a feeling that this was not a good combo. Like, the three chemicals were having a battle in my brain for dominance, and I was sitting in the middle of this tornado waiting for it to end and hoping it did not screw up my heart or lungs in some fatal way.
I had some insights, which I guess is inevitable when you think you might be approaching death. Perhaps that is the true trippiness of drugs...not the way your senses are altered, but the way you dabble and dabble until you get yourself into a situation where you think, "Shit, I've made a mistake, I might die." Perhaps that is really what we are seeking, the clarity of seeing what matters to you in life, a clarity that you cannot have when you are sitting safe and sober watching the television. A clarity that comes from the fear of death, not the psychedelic twists on your brain. If that is the case, then I suppose I can get similar clarity and direction for my life from skydiving or other activities that allow me to confront death without succumbing.
In conclusion, avoid this combo. Though I survived, I still think my breathing was messed up in some ways and it is possible that I WAS in danger. And overall it was not a "happy" trip.
So much for keeping this short, huh?
~psychoblast~
substancecode_2cc
substancecode_2ct7
substancecode_2ci
_combo_
Well, I'm going to keep this short. Last night after work, I ran some errands and cleaned up my house for some guests coming this weekends. Around 8pm, I felt like I'd been very productive and had run out of things to do.
Anyway, I have been using psychedelic rc's a lot lately, in pursuit of answers to questions I don't like to think about sober. I guess this is a self-destructive way to pursue answers, but there it is.
This night I had wanted something different, but not too long, so I decided to use 2c-c (which is relatively short) and 2ct7. I decided to insufflate to shorten the duration of the experience. I had previously used this combo once before, so I decided to add 2c-i to see what that brought to the experience. My dosages were:
8mg 2c-i
5 mg 2ct7
12 mg 2c-c
I mixed the various powders up and made a line. Since 2ct7 and 2c-c have a burn (2c-i not really), I did the line in little stages, over the course of about 3 minutes. The burn was pretty bad and stayed around for 15-30 mintues. I did some weed to try to mellow out or take the edge off (though I also recognized that in some cases this can kick things into a higher gear).
It took about 10 minutes for things to get weird. Everything was wavy and I was sitting down. The room seemed too bright, so I turned off the lights. The tv seemed annoying, too, so I turned the volume way down after an unsuccessful channel surf for something I could follow. I had trouble following the plot of sitcoms or pretty much any show.
My cat was making noise, so I told her to be quiet. I noticed that I was actually short of breath after speaking. Like, a person should be able to say "Quiet, cat." without feeling like it was an effort to hold their breath for the time it took to get those words out, and without then immediately gasping for a breath once the words were completed. That bothered me. I got up and got some water, walking being fairly unstead. Drinking it produced a similar reaction -- I felt like it was an effort to hold my breath for the time to swallow water, and then was gasping when I finished.
All of this made me worry that I had screwed up with this combo. I reflected that since the brain controls stuff like keeping your heart beating and keeping you breathing and stuff that it would be possible to take chemicals that affect your brain in a way that makes your brain stop making your lungs go in and out. Or to just slow it down to the point where you don't get enough oxygen for your heart. I tried feeling my heart beat to see if it was going fast, but I could not find my beat.
Anyway, I was pretty worried at this point, berating myself for seeking something in these drugs rather than enjoy sobriety, and now possibly ending up as another statistic. I once again confronted the fact that I have developed an unhealthy addiction to drugs, even if only a psychological addiction, and I needed to break out of it.
At this point I thought I might be dying, or at least that I had to focus on my breathing to avoid dying, so I went upstairs to just lay down in bed in the dark so I could focus on that. The thought did occur to me that I was tripping and probably in no danger, things just felt weird, and that I might be able to steer my mindset somewhere better in a different environment.
Upstairs I turned on the radio and flopped into bed. The music was very intense, and my brain proceded down spiral pathways of thoughts as I listed to it. I pictured how we all are motivated by the idea of doing what we think we are supposed to be doing. I mean, even my irresponsible actions are based on this vision I have that a person SHOULD be irresponsible or else you are boring and uptight and close-minded. I felt that my view on what I SHOULD do, the decisions that I make, stem from my understanding of what it means to be an adult. Which are lessons I learned without even trying from watching my parents while growing up. So, anyway, while outwardly and consciously I strive to be NOT boring and uptight like my parents, inwardly and subconsciously I am following a path that will lead me to the same place, a mundane existence, a broken family etc.
I also thought that each person is a window through which the universe experiences itself. The universe finds beauty in its own complexity. Which is why pain and ugliness have a place because the most beautiful image is the one that is a complex web of beauty and ugliness. Anyway, I had a thought that people have a core which defines them, which determines WHAT they will experience for the universe. Will they allow the universe to experience pain? fear? love? hope?
Well, I went in phases of feeling pretty good and seeing beautiful images, sometimes erotic and near orgasmic. And then other phases where i still felt like my breathing was labored and I might be suffocating or about to have a heart attack or something. Interestingly, these last thoughts made me pissed if I were to die in such an embarrassing and stupid way. Like, it struck me as very significant that I was worried about how I would appear AFTER I was dead. I mean, I'm an atheist, so if I'm dead, that's it, game over, nothing left... I'd be beyond all possibly pain, sadness, joy, satisfaction...so it makes no sense to worry about the manner of my death, that it might be embarrassing, that it might disappoint my parents, etc. But I was worried. I wondered if that fact perhaps suggests that deep down I believe in some kind of afterlife, or even that there is an afterlife. I mean, from an evolutionary standpoint, it seems senseless to me that, if you knew you were going to die, you would prefer to die wearing clean underwear for example, or to throw away your porn first so people did not find it after you were dead. I mean, if you are dead, you are beyond all those cares.
Okay, after about an hour I decided I was going to live after all, and it was only about 9:30, though it seemed like much more time had passed. I stumbled my way downstairs for more water, and realized I was hungry, so I ate. Flavors were very intense and pretty good. I had some peach and then some avocado. Avocado seemed like the most delicious food. Wow.
I started to think about life, how I think that there are universes in a grain of sand and that our universe is perhaps a speck in a grain of sand, and this continues both larger and smaller, infinitely. The point being that even as we may swat a fly, some arm could be in motion to swat something that our entire universe is just a speck on, which will result in our demise. It made me feel like I understood the approach of monks and vegans who believe that you should never hurt another living thing, from an ant to a blade of grass, if you can help it. I pondered the feasibility of switching to a diet of just those foods that nature could give us without dying itself (i.e., more strict that just being a vegetarian). I figured maybe our destiny is to embrace a worldview in which we try to allow every living thing to survive, so long as we, too, can survive. Right now we seem to do a lot of killing just to make ourselves a tad more comfortable where we don't really need to kill for survival.
I decided to try drinking to take the edge off. Flavors were interesting, so I thought I'd try something different. I decided to drink so Jack Daniels straight. I search my house for a shot glass, but could not find one. I was opening the cupboards thinking, "How could I let myself become some guy who has no shot glass? How square is that? Here I go around thinking I'm pretty dynamic, thinking my conservative exterior hides a dashing and ultra-cool, ultra-hip mentality and I don't even have a goddam shot glass. If I were in college I'd be embarrassed at being so boring as to not have a shot glass. I consoled myself that perhaps my descent into obscure chemicals made up for the lack, and I poured some whiskey into a normal glass. I took a whiff...alcohol, caramel, poison, butter...intriguing. I took a sip, interesting and not bad. I took down some crown regal whiskey to have a taste test now that I felt I could really appreciate the nuances. It had a smoother bouquet and flavor, much nicer.
I went outside for a few minutes and the wind on my skin felt great, and the night sky was beautiful, so I just sat out there for a while. I lit a cigarette and just stared at the embers as it burned down, realizing that burning was happening to my lung tissue on some level whenever I smoked. It was a hard image to look away from.
Around this time a conversation ran through my head:
Female voice: What are you doing?
Me: I'm dying.
Female voice: We are all dying.
Me: True.
Female voice: What is the opposite of dying?
Me: Living.
Female voice: Are you living?
Me: Yes.
Female voice: How can you be living and dying at the same time, if they are opposites?
Me: I don't know. Because they are not opposites.
Female voice: No, they are not opposites. In fact, they are the same thing. Living is dying. To be afraid of dying is to be afraid of living.
Well, not sure if there is an objective value in that, but at the time it seemed cool.
Oh, I also realized that 33 years is about the longest a person can hang onto their youth, and avoid adult maturity. At least for me. I think that I have been trying to avoid growing up and getting older my whole life, like that was my main focus. Which is really not a focus at all. It is not like a place you head to. It is more like a place you avoid. So I've been living with no destination to go to, only a destination to avoid -- maturity. And I wondered if I had to pick a destination to go to, a thing I wanted to do, what would it be? To stop just idly drifting through life and seek to fulfill some purpose that meant something to me.
Well, at some point I went back inside and turned on the tv. I suddenly saw the value and appeal of the really stupid family sitcoms I'd always looked down on. I mean, I saw part of an episode of Growing Pains and I saw how the husband and wife's banter was thick with sexual references, words that were not dirty or explicit but still MEANT "I'm going to do you later." or "Let's do something kinky in bed." or "Are you fucking the nanny?" And the core message of the parents is that their problems are not that bad as long as they have each other and are committed to each other first. I was amazed how the surface innocence of the show -- no swearing, no skin, no explicit sexual overtones -- made me miss how underlying it, all the stuff of life was in there, including sex and adultery.
Okay, things tended to get more and more normal until around midnight I just had a vague restlessness, uneasiness, unsteadiness. This combo definitely gave me some increased awareness in all senses -- colors, sounds, tastes, touch. It also had the traditional wavy swirling that makes it look like the walls are breathing and stuff like that. Some of it was pleasurable, but even at the best times, there was a feeling that this was not a good combo. Like, the three chemicals were having a battle in my brain for dominance, and I was sitting in the middle of this tornado waiting for it to end and hoping it did not screw up my heart or lungs in some fatal way.
I had some insights, which I guess is inevitable when you think you might be approaching death. Perhaps that is the true trippiness of drugs...not the way your senses are altered, but the way you dabble and dabble until you get yourself into a situation where you think, "Shit, I've made a mistake, I might die." Perhaps that is really what we are seeking, the clarity of seeing what matters to you in life, a clarity that you cannot have when you are sitting safe and sober watching the television. A clarity that comes from the fear of death, not the psychedelic twists on your brain. If that is the case, then I suppose I can get similar clarity and direction for my life from skydiving or other activities that allow me to confront death without succumbing.
In conclusion, avoid this combo. Though I survived, I still think my breathing was messed up in some ways and it is possible that I WAS in danger. And overall it was not a "happy" trip.
So much for keeping this short, huh?
~psychoblast~
substancecode_2cc
substancecode_2ct7
substancecode_2ci
_combo_
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